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Original poster

Thoughts needed on this comment, please, sensitive issue.

246 replies

shipherlady · 03/12/2013 09:50

Please do not read on if you're sensitive to comments regarding rape, I do not wish to upset anybody, just need impartial advice.

Anyway, dh and I having discussion about women's roles, basically, he held the view that if a 'woman does not pull her weight' financially, men have the right to rape them and do what they want in the bedroom. We were having a massive argument at the time, and he is at pains to say that this is what happened in the past ( I question this) and he has no desire to do this at all, but that is 'how it was' in the past when men earned all the money.
OK, now logically, I should be OK with his 'impartial' assessment of the past -even though I disagree with it-however, it's made me feel uncomfortable.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
shipherlady · 03/12/2013 10:29

I'm trying to be impartial about it: he never has been sexually abusive in any way, and he was at pains to point out that it was like this in the past, but, to have somebody shouting, 'I could take you upstairs now' etc. Well I just don't know. My gut feels it's wrong IYSWIM.

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 03/12/2013 10:31

That sounds like he was threatening and intimidating you.

It doesn't sound like he was idley musing on how different things used to be.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/12/2013 10:33

"he was at pains to point out that this is how it was in the past, however, he said it really nastily to me, as in: 'I could take you upstairs and do what I want to you'."

Those two statements are contradictory.

If he was "at pains" to point out that this was in the past, why did he use the present tense when he was threatening you?

MadBusLady · 03/12/2013 10:37

He shouted that at you?

I don't really see how that isn't an implied threat TBH.

Misogynists love inventing random bullshit like this and passing it around between themselves - I'd be wondering, amongst other things, who he's been talking to and what he's been reading to think this is a serious disputation point. It's an entirely ahistorical statement as others have said. "Medieval" is probably a time period plucked out of thin air because it's long enough ago for ignorant twats him to think of it as savage and here-be-dragons.

Abbykins1 · 03/12/2013 10:42

He's a psycho,if I were you,I would be thinking long term and protecting myself for the future.
In other words,have things in place to leave if he starts turning his thoughts in to actions.
He may and he may not but be prepared.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/12/2013 10:47

I am disturbed that your husband thinks that he could justifiably rape you.Shock

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 10:57

This is a Red Flag-a-waving, love. I would take it seriously. When someone tells you what they are, you need to listen.

moldingsunbeams · 03/12/2013 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSmallPrint · 03/12/2013 11:02

As others have said, and as disgusting as it is that it took so long to criminalise, up until 1991 he might well have got away with raping you within marriage but this would have nothing to do with money. What a bizarre concept.

I am more concerned that he would imply he could do this to you. No loving partner should ever say something like that even in temper.

Original poster
shipherlady · 03/12/2013 11:04

Well, I've been honest here and tried to give his viewpoint, but, I am disturbed by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
shipherlady · 03/12/2013 11:05

Obviously he is incorrect anyway as women who earned money could have their husbands doing whatever they wished, but that's just nit-picking, really as regards what he said.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 11:07

I am sorry, love. Is he (even low level, almost under the radar) sexist, racist, homophobic for example

It just seems a very worrying comment made in anger if he is otherwise a Thoroughly Good Guy. Is he really otherwise a Thoroughly Good Guy?. Or have you been letting other stuff pass because you thought it wasn't too bad really ?

tummybummer · 03/12/2013 11:08

You are here because you know, in your heart, that what he said was deeply disrespectful at best, and downright scary at worst.

... and that's just the comment, never mind the view that he clearly has of your relationship, power balance and the contributions that you both make.

I think you need to have a very serious discussion with him, and have a very serious think about things.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/12/2013 11:08

How was it an "implied" threat.

It was just a regular, common or garden THREAT.

He threatened to rape you in anger.

His justification for doing so is only of academic interest.

Hullygully · 03/12/2013 11:10

It sounds to me like someone utterly furious with a deep grudge about women.

Meerka · 03/12/2013 11:13

well it wasnt a direct personal threat. It was implied. But it was pretty disturbing especially as shipherlady has given the full context of the argument too.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 11:15

OP, are you a SAHM ?

Jan45 · 03/12/2013 11:21

What a nasty view to hold towards women, eugh.

JemR234 · 03/12/2013 11:21

That is not a normal thing to say or think. I would be extremely shocked and concerned if my DH said that. Connecting money with sex is worrying in itself, but with sexual violence...that is a serious red flag.

stickysausages · 03/12/2013 11:22

:( Agree it was weird & sinister. Sorry you've had such a shock.

Chattymummyhere · 03/12/2013 11:33

I would be worried if my Dh said something like that, although I am a sahm so really I am dependent on him.

I know a lot of men however did not realize that is it possible to rape their wife's (The mind boggles).

moldingsunbeams · 03/12/2013 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sebsmummy1 · 03/12/2013 11:51

Fucked up thinking I'm afraid. Agree with the red flags. I would be wanting to have the same conversation again with him when an argument wasn't taking place.

I would be explaining that I found that element if the argument threatening and would like him to explain what exactly he meant by it.

I think underneath it all he is misogynistic I'm afraid.

sicily1921 · 03/12/2013 12:03

I don't think it matters that it used to be legal or the norm, that was then and this is now. It's a despicable thing to say to you. He should be both apologising and explaining if you ask me.

Vivacia · 03/12/2013 12:07

'I could take you upstairs and do what I want to you'

Could as in "if I wanted to" or could as in, "30 years ago"? Either way, for me it'd be a moot point 'cos I'd be so fucking angry that somebody said that to me he'd be out of the house because I sure as hell wouldn't want somebody like that here with me and my children. Misogynistic threatening bully.