Need a bit of advice about sexual assault.

[Salemthecat]

I've nc'd for this as I'm really wary about anyone I know finding out.

I ended up in a situation a few months ago which has been bothering me every since and recently it's been getting worse. I was on a date with guy A. We had a bit to drink and went to the local nightclub where we met his friends and then drank a lot more. We met guy B, who I had never met before, in the club and went back to his after the club closed. All I can remember about this is patting a dog and being in a conservatory. The next thing I remember is waking up in guy B's bed completely naked with him shouting at me that he didn't know I was seeing his friend and that I was a tart. He then gave my clothes and drove me home. I have no idea where this house is, I can only remember getting to my house at about 9/10 am.

I had bruising to the inside of my thighs and that moist feeling when you have sex but I have absolutely no memory of having sex with this guy. I don't even know him. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger in my life. I really liked guy A but I have no idea where he went or what happened.

I work in the legal environment, sometimes helping to prepare sexual assault cases but I just can't relate what happened to me to them. This is all my fault for being so drunk. I have no idea if I consented or not. I can't imagine why I would have as I really liked guy A. But I actually have no idea. I could have instigated it for all I know.

Since then my self esteem has dramatically lowered, I've been starving myself and then binge eating. I've been binge drinking. I have a voice telling me over and over again that I deserve this for being such a filthy little slut. That he must have known I was such a whore and that's why it happened. That I'm worth absolutely nothing and no one is ever going to love me. I've also started self harming which is something I haven't done in 10 years since I was 14.

I've been to the doctors and told him that I've been feeling down and low and he's diagnosed me as having depression and put me on citalopram. I couldn't tell him about this situation or about the self harm. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it happen, from where I work I should know so much better. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I'm expecting here, I just had to tell someone to try and get it out my head. I'm sorry it's so long.

Salem
IMO you should go to the police and rapport rape

I really can imagine how extremely difficult it is but in long distance it can become even more unbearable

I've met my friend after a few years similar situation had happen to her

When she told me her story I've couldn't stop crying!
it happened to her in different country so I suppose circumstances were slightly different!

She went for party with people she knew
She had some drink and wake up next day covered in blood s assaulted with broken head (hole in her head)
The most scary thing for her was a gap of 5-6
hours

That girl never was a drinker
We always actually laughed because she would always end up in toilet after 2-3 drinks
so it never happen to her before that she would get that drunk to loose conciesnes

that night changed her life forever
people from that party well I wouldn't even call them people...
she became whore of the year
they were laughing at her telling it is all her foult

I can not even imagine what that girl went trough

She had blame herself for long time I've seen what it did to her and it was heartbreaking

So please remember don't you dare blame yourself!!
It is not your foult!!

rape cc but in long distance it may be not enough
I would suggest try the police
do it for yourself
And stay strong

I am sure you will tell your nearest and dearest when you are ready Salem as it's not an easy thing to say and you feel like people are either going to pity you, not believe you or feel you wont cope and having these judgments are pretty uncomfortable. However, having been the person who was told I honestly didn't think that way (unless the person showed signs of not coping, in which case I tried to help without being overbearing). I was just there if they needed to talk. This was a friend not family, but it works the same way I feel if you are close.

It will be temporary - at least the extreme emotions will be. You will never completely forget it but you will learn to cope and will come to feel disgust with the man who did this whenever you think of it, instead of disgust with yourself. You will believe that it wasn't your fault that you didn't do anything wrong and that's a powerful feeling, because it allows you to love yourself again.

When someone invades your privacy it's so hard to feel confident in your personal space again.

The medication thing will more than likely only be for a few months or so (can't be sure though, as every person is different). It's just to help you cope alongside talk therapy.

I am here if you want to PM me to talk even if it's about baking, noisy neighbours and buying a new car - sometimes it just feels good to talk.

It's difficult to see the others side when you feel like you do but trust me there really is another side.

Hiya OP, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so overwhelmed.

I know it's hard to believe but the turmoil you feel now will not last forever. I know this as I experienced something similar.

I'm glad that your counselling with RC has started. Once you start talking about a traumatic incident, feelings can intensify as you are experiencing all the emotions that you were hitherto blocking. It sounds as if your mind is getting stuck in obsessive thought patterns around the incident. Intrusive thoughts are common in PTSD and I would talk to your counsellor about that. As you process the experience, you should find that the intensity of your distress lessens over time.

In your situation, personally I would ask your GP to be referred to a psychiatrist. GPs have very little mental health training, and in the circumstances I think you need a mental health specialist. A psychiatrist will be able to give more time to listen to the whole story, evaluate whether the drugs the GP has prescribed are the optimum choice for you, and refer you to CBT to tackle your obsessive thoughts directly.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your parents, although, as a policeman, your father must have had experience of dealing with victims of sex crimes, and he cannot force you to go to the police if you don't want to. If that's totally off the menu, is there really not a friend in real life who you can talk to? While I understand your reasons for holding back, telling no-one means you are overwhelmed and isolated in your own consciousness: nobody knows what's going on inside you, you are hiding what is happening, & trying to 'act normal'. That puts a lot of pressure on you emotionally and psychologically, and it's very, very lonely.

Feel free to PM me at any point.

((((big hugs)))))

Thanks very much to you all for replying.

I'm trying very hard to continue to be normal around everyone and normal in work but I can't even hide it anymore. It's exhausting trying to be nice and trying to laugh and contribute to a conversation. Inside my head it's just a constant monologue of stuff and I can't concentrate.

The only time I get peace is when I'm asleep but that isn't practical at all. I have to work, go to uni and study. I have to be "on" all the time and I'm trying but I just can't do this anymore.