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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a bit of advice about sexual assault.

129 replies

Salemthecat · 02/12/2013 20:47

I've nc'd for this as I'm really wary about anyone I know finding out.

I ended up in a situation a few months ago which has been bothering me every since and recently it's been getting worse. I was on a date with guy A. We had a bit to drink and went to the local nightclub where we met his friends and then drank a lot more. We met guy B, who I had never met before, in the club and went back to his after the club closed. All I can remember about this is patting a dog and being in a conservatory. The next thing I remember is waking up in guy B's bed completely naked with him shouting at me that he didn't know I was seeing his friend and that I was a tart. He then gave my clothes and drove me home. I have no idea where this house is, I can only remember getting to my house at about 9/10 am.

I had bruising to the inside of my thighs and that moist feeling when you have sex but I have absolutely no memory of having sex with this guy. I don't even know him. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger in my life. I really liked guy A but I have no idea where he went or what happened.

I work in the legal environment, sometimes helping to prepare sexual assault cases but I just can't relate what happened to me to them. This is all my fault for being so drunk. I have no idea if I consented or not. I can't imagine why I would have as I really liked guy A. But I actually have no idea. I could have instigated it for all I know.

Since then my self esteem has dramatically lowered, I've been starving myself and then binge eating. I've been binge drinking. I have a voice telling me over and over again that I deserve this for being such a filthy little slut. That he must have known I was such a whore and that's why it happened. That I'm worth absolutely nothing and no one is ever going to love me. I've also started self harming which is something I haven't done in 10 years since I was 14.

I've been to the doctors and told him that I've been feeling down and low and he's diagnosed me as having depression and put me on citalopram. I couldn't tell him about this situation or about the self harm. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it happen, from where I work I should know so much better. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I'm expecting here, I just had to tell someone to try and get it out my head. I'm sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 02/12/2013 22:35

OP

This man committed a crime against you. You are not in the wrong here xx

Lweji · 02/12/2013 22:37

No, you are worth a lot.
He's the one who is worthless.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 22:40

Exactly, Twinkle.
It sounded like just an excuse to have a go.

FeisMom · 02/12/2013 22:46

What an awful thing to happen to you. I agree that if you were in such a state then you could not have consented.

Please contact one of the helplines suggested when you feel strong enough.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/12/2013 22:47

Salem, we have all done and enjoyed cheap, meaningless sex. Right? There's nowt wrong with that.

What has happened to you is the opposite of meaningless sex.Sad What happened is hurting you. Do not minimize the impact of that night. You know something happened that changed your thoughts and behaviours and not in a good way.Sad. Please talk and talk and talk again to people who will listen and help you make sense of it.

Twinklestein · 02/12/2013 23:11

What happened to you is not 'cheap sex' but non-consensual, illegal sex.

And you did not ruin anything with guy A, he slightly ruined your life by not protecting you and making sure you got safely home.

If you and he were friends of mine I would be round his house tomorrow, demanding to know what happened that night and give him a massive bollocking.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 02/12/2013 23:18

Guy A's final movements that night are a mystery and it's quite strange that he abandoned you (drink or no drink). Could you ask him what he can remember or is it too painful? As they say curiousity killed the cat but I would want his take on the situation.

Hissy · 02/12/2013 23:25

I just want to give you a great big hug.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can get some RL support. Meantime we're all here to talk to, if it helps.

X

LastOneDancing · 02/12/2013 23:31

I'm sorry this happened to you Salem.

I did a piece on drug rape for my dissertation many moons ago & your story sounds very much like the ones I heard from other women & from my own experience - the sudden total blank and then rapidly 'coming to', followed by 'its my fault'.

Whatever the circumstances, you were in a vulnerable state and needed to be removed from the situation, not left with that awful man.

This was not your fault and you are none of the things he called you.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 02/12/2013 23:37

I have spoken to A since it happened and I don't think I could face asking him about it. I'm so ashamed of it that to ask him about it is just too much.

I was coping okay with it but I think it was exacerbated by a situation that happened with a friend (who is an ex boyfriend from many years before) a few weeks ago. He is a friend of my housemates as well and they had a night out and came back drunk. I was sober. He slept on our sofa. I sleep with earplugs in and I woke up with him in my bed touching my breasts. I kept trying to leave the bed and he kept pulling me back in and then tried to pull my pants and pyjama bottoms down saying that it was okay cause we'd done it before. I was terrified but I managed to kick him off me and get out the room. He then left. I told my housemates about this and they've agreed not to let him back in the house although I don't think they really agree on how serious I found it.

I think this has just compounded my idea of myself that all I am is a whore and that all I'm worth to guys is a bit of sex. I hate myself.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 02/12/2013 23:41

Holy crap, Salem. Your ex assaulted you and your flat mates minimised it. No wonder you are feeling so awful.

Did your ex respect your boundaries when you were together?

Twinklestein · 02/12/2013 23:46

Two shitheads sexually assaulted you, the problem is with them not you.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 23:48

How would you feel about reporting your ex to the police?

Original poster
Salemthecat · 02/12/2013 23:48

He was a pretty crap boyfriend but we were quite young. I did wake up once or twice to find him touching me or trying to have sex with me but I was usually able to stop him and then go back to sleep. This was years ago though, a good 6 years. I have no idea why he thought he could try and do the same now.

I feel like I can trust anyone. I can't trust myself as I keep making such poor judgements about people, can't trust men as they only seem to see me as one thing, can't trust my friends as they don't seem to see it as if it's anything. I'm only just realising how much this is effecting me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/12/2013 23:48

Even if you know that it probably won't go to trial?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 02/12/2013 23:50

Ok, your ex tried to assault you when you were younger and he tried to do it again. You have got him out if your life by banning him from the flat. WELL DONE.

Think about the police for him as Lweji says.

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/12/2013 23:53

if you were too drunk to give consent then you did NOT give consent. consent has to be informed - if you are drugged or too drunk then how can you have given informed consent.

sounds like you could use rape crisis just to talk things through and feel better about yourself. give them a call. they are fab - please dont feel ashamed, you need to get to the bottom of your self esteem issues and find strategies to help - no one would bat an eyelid if you have sex with a different man every night if its consenting - but being too drunk to remember renders you unable to consent - so dont feel guilty. you were taken advantage of (at best)

Twinklestein · 02/12/2013 23:56

It's not that these 2 guys only see you for one thing, it's that they saw an opportunity to take advantage and took it.

If those two scenarios had happened with decent men, you wouldn't be on here now, because nothing would have happened.

Your ex has serious issues with understanding consent, and is cruising for a sex offence charge, they both are.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 02/12/2013 23:56

I don't know if I could. I always thought it was really clear cut but I don't know if I could cope with the ramifications. He has a girlfriend and doesn't live around here anymore so I rarely see him. I'd be worried that my friends who are here would want me to move out. I know that's really cowardly.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/12/2013 23:59

There is a point there about the people that surround you.

Perhaps you do need new friends, who will see what happened as serious and will hold your hand while you go to the police to report any situations like this.

Lweji · 03/12/2013 00:00

TBH, I think you should want to move out if your friends are like this. ASAP. :(

Original poster
Salemthecat · 03/12/2013 00:11

Thank you for talking me through this. I don't know if I would be brave enough to go to the police. I know the process and although I doubt it would get anywhere near a court, I don't know if I could give evidence.

This is such a mess. What am I putting out there to keep attracting these men? What is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/12/2013 00:16

Nothing wrong with you.
There is a lot wrong with them, though.

And your friends, it seems. It's easier for such men to walk around unpunished and to keep doing this if the people surrounding them think it's not that serious.
Who knows what's your ex doing to his current girlfriend, and how many women both have already assaulted or raped.

I don't think you can prevent being raped or sexually assaulted, but perhaps you can start working on being around people who hate either. Even if it means dumping your current "friends".
If you asked them to be your witnesses, what would they say?

Could you ask a trusted friend to ask A about that night?

lifeissweet · 03/12/2013 00:21

God. This is NOT in any way your fault. Your first job is to try and convince yourself of that. I have form for getting too drunk and having sax I barely remember with unsuitable people. However, although I have been extremely drunk at the time and have felt wretched and guilty afterwards, I have never, ever been so drunk that I can't remember anything at all. I'm not sure that is normal. If you are do drunk you can't remember a single thing I would guess you were either passed out or drugged. That is not your fault. What you are describing is not my situation, which is being a drunken idiot. It is someone assaulting you when you were incapable of consent.

Do you believe me? I really, sincerely hope that you do. However much you might be doubting yourself right now, you need to be kind to yourself and be clear on that one point.

mcmoonfucker · 03/12/2013 00:24

Yes 2 total shithead men.

  1. I had a VERY similar experience to you as shithead number 1. Even 7 years later I cannot remember any detail AT ALL about the night and have come to the conclusion I must have been drugged - I have never blacked out like that before or since and I do sort of have a memory of when I must have 'ingested' the drug - the only thing I can describe it as is that I sort of became blind at a specific moment and remember literally nothing for 6 ish hours. And I had 125 missed calls from my then H. I woke up somewhere I had no idea where I was although obviously I vaguely knew the person. As I say nothing that bad in terms of blackout before or since before or since and my 'hangover' was different.
I felt horrific shame too. Like I must have done something. I know now I didn't. Just logically, even if I was that pissed, any decent man would not have had sex with me. If I was so drunk as to not remember anything it will have clearly shown in my ability to MOVE never mind consent. Your shame is not yours. And I completely get your reluctance to talk to man A. Men often stick together on these things and rely on rape myths to justify behaviour. Rape crisis will be more helpful.
  1. Shithead 2..........like beyond belief. You are IN BED ON YOUR OWN......and he sexually assaulted you. Completely utterly nothing you did wrong, you are dealing with a rapist.
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