Need a bit of advice about sexual assault.

[Salemthecat]

I've nc'd for this as I'm really wary about anyone I know finding out.

I ended up in a situation a few months ago which has been bothering me every since and recently it's been getting worse. I was on a date with guy A. We had a bit to drink and went to the local nightclub where we met his friends and then drank a lot more. We met guy B, who I had never met before, in the club and went back to his after the club closed. All I can remember about this is patting a dog and being in a conservatory. The next thing I remember is waking up in guy B's bed completely naked with him shouting at me that he didn't know I was seeing his friend and that I was a tart. He then gave my clothes and drove me home. I have no idea where this house is, I can only remember getting to my house at about 9/10 am.

I had bruising to the inside of my thighs and that moist feeling when you have sex but I have absolutely no memory of having sex with this guy. I don't even know him. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger in my life. I really liked guy A but I have no idea where he went or what happened.

I work in the legal environment, sometimes helping to prepare sexual assault cases but I just can't relate what happened to me to them. This is all my fault for being so drunk. I have no idea if I consented or not. I can't imagine why I would have as I really liked guy A. But I actually have no idea. I could have instigated it for all I know.

Since then my self esteem has dramatically lowered, I've been starving myself and then binge eating. I've been binge drinking. I have a voice telling me over and over again that I deserve this for being such a filthy little slut. That he must have known I was such a whore and that's why it happened. That I'm worth absolutely nothing and no one is ever going to love me. I've also started self harming which is something I haven't done in 10 years since I was 14.

I've been to the doctors and told him that I've been feeling down and low and he's diagnosed me as having depression and put me on citalopram. I couldn't tell him about this situation or about the self harm. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it happen, from where I work I should know so much better. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I'm expecting here, I just had to tell someone to try and get it out my head. I'm sorry it's so long.

This is week 4, the dose was increased about 10 days ago. The anxiety is almost unbearable. It's like I have the fight or flight instinct I should have had 6 months ago.

I can probably phone rape crisis tonight. I really struggle to verbalise my emotions, it's been a problem since I was young. I just end up being silent and say something entirely different to what I actually feel. I don't want to waste anyone's time or give anyone more work to do.

I'm scared about telling my gp incase he tries to contact the police or it's on my medical records incase my employer ever tries to look at them. I rationally think I'm being quite paranoid in that respect but I'm scared to take that chance. He's also a male and I'm scared he won't take me seriously.

I thought about telling my parents but I wouldn't trust my mum not to tell my dad. My dad is a police officer and his first instinct would be to phone the police. I wouldn't want my mum to have to struggle with it on her own either.

Thank you for being so supportive, it means a lot.

Not all ADs suit everyone, it's often a question of trying different ones to see find which suit you. In a situation where you are traumatised, obviously ADs that increase your anxiety are not ideal. Sometimes the anxiety wears off once they've kicked in after 3 weeks or so, but in some people it doesn't.

I would go back to the doctor and ask 1) if decreasing the dose will help the anxiety, or b) if you can try another AD. To find the right drug for you, you need to give the doctor feedback as to how it affects you.

Your GP won't contact the police due to client confidentiality, but I think it would be sensible to go to a woman if you can, are there any at the practice?

I think it's really important to contact Rape Crisis again. Your local centre will have or be able to recommend a good counsellor, experienced in sexual assault. You won't be wasting anyone's time or giving them work, that what is they are there for. If you have problems talking then write it down first and then read it straight from the page. You can also tell the counsellor that you tend to say things other than how you are actually feeling, and you can work on that together.

Please come back here as much a you like x

From your symptoms, you may have PTSD, which is very common after rape and sexual assault. However it's difficult to know how much that is exacerbated by the drugs, and that's something you need to talk to your doctor about.

Did you mention the incident to the doctor who prescribed the ADs?

That should say it's possible you may have PTSD, I'm not a psychiatrist so I'm not qualified to say. ^^

I also meant to say that if you can face it, it would sensible to talk to your tutor or student advisor and let them know what's going on. Again, choose a woman if you can.

I wondered if PTSD might be at work here too actually.

I don't think that a GP would contact the Police, what you discuss with them (unless children are directly at risk) stays between you and the GP.

Please don't be scared of looking for help. Call Rape Crisis and tell them everything you are feeling here, I am sure that you will not be the first to feel like this, its very common

It's been decades since I was on ADs, but some of them take between 4-8 weeks to be effective.

have you tried Rescue Remedy? can you see if it's OK to take with the meds you have been given.

It's not a miracle cure, and tbh, I have no idea if it has any medicinal benefit, but when I had agoraphobia i used it and it gave me (perhaps the psychosomatic) strength to carry on being outdoors/with people.

It's true that they can take up to 8 weeks to kick in, but for some people the anxiety and jitteriness doesn't wear off even after that time. I would question whether up to 2 months of increased anxiety is in the OPs best interest right now.

I took ADs for 2 years nearly 25 years ago now and I experienced no increase in anxiety at all. But they were old school tricyclic sedative ADs, that aren't used so much now, save for sleep issues and pain relief, and the newer SSRIs are quite different.

The earliest appointment I can get with a female doctor is the 30th of December which is when I was due to go back anyway. I've made the appointment with her so I've got 3 weeks to psyche myself up to tell her. Does anyone know what she'll do?

I just need to try and focus on studying; my exams are in 5 weeks. I don't have time to be this anxious or unfocused. I need to concentrate but my mind just keeps slipping off. I keep thinking that I could have done more to make my ex leave or stop. I just moved his hand away and said no but he kept putting them back up. I should have been clearer.

And the first incident I shouldn't have got so drunk. I should t have went back to a strangers house regardless of who I was going there with. I could have prevented all of this but I didn't. I feel so ashamed that I let myself get in this position. I know so much better. This feels so self indulgent, I'm sorry.

Do they not have any emergency appointments? Are you in or near Glasgow because there's a Sexual Assault Referral Centre there, and you could go in and see a doctor straight away, and they can refer you to counselling themselves. Unfortunately, I think that's the only one in Scotland.

As regards your ex, the truth is that you were asleep so the only thing that could have stopped the incident from happening is if he had decided not to sexually assault a sleeping woman. You thought moving his hand away would be enough to indicate you didn't want it, but unfortunately he's a selfish arsehole who didn't care. He seems to have a thing about sex with a sleeping woman, from your previous experience of him. Some guys just get off on non-consensual sex.

The second incident wasn't caused by you being drunk, but by another selfish arsehole making a choice to rape. The only cause, the only blame is with the perpetrator. If he had been decent man, or your date had been more responsible you would have been perfectly safe.

I think it's really important to talk to your tutors or a student counsellor about what's going on and your upcoming exams.

You have to go through a telephone triage with a nurse first and she decides if you qualify for it, I don't know if I deserve an emergency appointment. I am near the archway clinic but they only take referrals within 7 days of the incident, I've left it too late for that.

I wish I could get a cuddle from my mum but I couldn't tell her. I feel like such a child.

You are not alone and you will get through this. If you feel like crawling in bed, do it, there's nothing wrong with taking time to deal with this. You have every right to feel everything you feel, all of it. Let yourself feel it.

There is no right or wrong. It is clearly still very raw, talk when you want and need, reach out for help when you need it. I'm sorry he did this to you. I believe you and it was not your fault. He is scum. The other guy, scum.

Take care salem.. it will get better.

I don't know the rules at your local clinic but the SARCs in England include past offences and historic abuse. Are you 100% sure the 7 day limit is not with regard to evidence collection?

I don't know what the criteria are for emergency appointments at your surgery, but I'd be surprised if you didn't qualify for one. I don't think you can wait another 3 weeks, you urgently need to discuss your dose. Can you telephone the doctor who prescribed the ADs and sort that out while waiting to see the female GP?

Another option would be to call your mental health crisis team, you would definitely qualify for that.

If you are a student, does your Uni have a counselling service? I managed to see a counsellor through mine very quickly and they were great. If you do find yourself in the situation where you are struggling academically, they can also provide evidence, without revealing the details for extenuating circumstances. For example I had depression, but they just provided a letter saying I was seeing them for pastoral support without giving any details.

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. Both those situations have pretty much happened to me as well. Rape is rarely clear cut. That is why so many men get away with it.

I've double checked on the website and it says you can only access the service if you have been assaulted in the last 7 days.

I can try the surgery in the morning, the nurse isn't usually very sympathetic but I'm scared I'm going to lose control in work. I don't want anyone to see me like that.

I think my uni does have a counselling service, I could try phoning them tomorrow as well.

I can't stop crying, I just want it all to stop.

It's the nurse's job to make it a little tricky. However she can't prevent you having an emergency appointment with a doctor. Everything you describe is someone who needs an appointment. You need to take action, this blaming yourself and hand-wringing is not going to make things better. The shame and anxiety is not going to go away until you get help to deal with this.

I've phoned the uni counselling service, just waiting on a call back to see when I can have my initial appointment. She thinks it'll be after Christmas and New Year though.

Trying to pluck up the courage to phone the nurse but I'm scared she'll be very dismissive and I'll end up crying in work.

Thanks again for all your support, it feels like a lifeline at the moment.

Some ADs can exacerbate the anxiety before it makes it better, and it may be that the particular one that you're taking isn't right for you, so a change may be required. Crying in work isn't the worst thing that can happen, and if it does happen and people ask what's wrong, you only have to say that you've got stuff going on at the moment but you really don't want to talk about it. Just tell the nurse that you're virtually unable to function due to the anxiety.

Oh, and you absolutely did not cause the assault, the one responsible is the one who did it and him alone.

I'm scared she'll be very dismissive and I'll end up crying in work

Let's make a plan to deal with the scenario where she is dismissive. How about a script, "I need to see a doctor today or tomorrow. It's very important and it can't wait... no, I'd rather not explain". The person taking the call (I've only known it to be a receptionist) have to ask, but you don't have to go reply.
I don't think that crying on the phone to her is a bad thing, there's no need to worry about that happening. Will you have 20 minutes during your working day when you can find somewhere private to make the call?

Hi OP, I hope you don't mind, I contacted the Glasgow SARC, because I couldn't believe they soley dealt with cases within 7 days, and indeed you can go to the Sandyford centre which is apparently right next door to the Archway clinic. Their telephone number is 0141 211 8130. You can drop in and see them and they will be able to find you a counsellor.

I think if you told the nurse everything that has happened, including your self harm and current extreme anxiety and distress, I would be very surprised if she doesn't give you an appointment. But if not, you should be able to telephone your doctor to discuss the dose, and at least get bit sorted out. And, furthermore you can call local mental health crisis team, as I've already said.

Do you have a trusted friend who you could confide in, and are you sure that your mother would tell your father if you asked her not to? Because it's very tough dealing with this all on your own.

I hope you're ok today. xx

That not bit^^

I've phoned my gp practice. They've arranged for a female doctor to phone me back but it won't be until tomorrow. I can cope with that, that gives me enough time to write down what I want to say and how I'm really feeling and then I can read it out. It'll help that it's on the phone as I don't know how I'll feel about saying it face to face with someone. I struggle discussing my emotions normally never mind when I feel like this.

Twinkle, thank you so much for going out your way like that for me. You've really touched me and I can't thank you enough. I'll see what the gp says tomorrow but I've saved the number in my phone and I'll phone them if I need to.

I don't know if I could trust my mum. When I was much younger she discovered I was self harming and even though I begged her not to tell my dad she did. I know this is a bit different but I don't know if she could cope with it without telling my dad. I don't want to let her down by telling her I've been selfharming. She's finally proud of me and I don't want to let her down.

Well done Salem, I'm so glad you're reaching out. Did the phone all go ok in terms of colleagues and tears?

In your shoes I wouldn't tell my mum.

It went okay, she didn't ask what it was for she just said she'd get the doctor to phone me and she could see if I needed a closer appointment than the one I've got.

I'm trying very hard to concentrate today but I just feel nauseous. That constant butterflies feeling. I'm so tense as well. It feels like one long panic attack that isn't reaching a peak, just a constant level. Trying to focus on just getting through the day and then uni and and then eventually getting home. Everything seems like such an uphill struggle, this isn't me. I love my job and I love uni but I just want to be alone in my bed curled up.

No worries OP, took me 5 mins.

You know your mum and if you think she cant be trusted then I've no doubt you're right. There's no way I could have told my mum. You don't want to be having to deal with her on top of everything else.

This acute phase may not last that long, and it's possible that it's related to your ADs, so keep faith, and if you don't feel better go back to the doctor until you do. Come back here as often as you want. x

Well
Done Salem for contacting the Uni. It is a shame they don't have apts sooner, but I would still try and take the first one that is available. It is still a confidential service so they won't tell your tutors anything, but if it does come to the point that you start to struggle academically, if you are seem to have been proactive in seeking help that will go massively in your favour and you should find you are well supported.

I must say I think you are very brave to be tackling this in such a positive way and for trying to get some help. I hope the gp can help tomorrow.