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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a bit of advice about sexual assault.

129 replies

Salemthecat · 02/12/2013 20:47

I've nc'd for this as I'm really wary about anyone I know finding out.

I ended up in a situation a few months ago which has been bothering me every since and recently it's been getting worse. I was on a date with guy A. We had a bit to drink and went to the local nightclub where we met his friends and then drank a lot more. We met guy B, who I had never met before, in the club and went back to his after the club closed. All I can remember about this is patting a dog and being in a conservatory. The next thing I remember is waking up in guy B's bed completely naked with him shouting at me that he didn't know I was seeing his friend and that I was a tart. He then gave my clothes and drove me home. I have no idea where this house is, I can only remember getting to my house at about 9/10 am.

I had bruising to the inside of my thighs and that moist feeling when you have sex but I have absolutely no memory of having sex with this guy. I don't even know him. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger in my life. I really liked guy A but I have no idea where he went or what happened.

I work in the legal environment, sometimes helping to prepare sexual assault cases but I just can't relate what happened to me to them. This is all my fault for being so drunk. I have no idea if I consented or not. I can't imagine why I would have as I really liked guy A. But I actually have no idea. I could have instigated it for all I know.

Since then my self esteem has dramatically lowered, I've been starving myself and then binge eating. I've been binge drinking. I have a voice telling me over and over again that I deserve this for being such a filthy little slut. That he must have known I was such a whore and that's why it happened. That I'm worth absolutely nothing and no one is ever going to love me. I've also started self harming which is something I haven't done in 10 years since I was 14.

I've been to the doctors and told him that I've been feeling down and low and he's diagnosed me as having depression and put me on citalopram. I couldn't tell him about this situation or about the self harm. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it happen, from where I work I should know so much better. I'm so stupid.

I don't know what I'm expecting here, I just had to tell someone to try and get it out my head. I'm sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Salemthecat · 03/12/2013 09:33

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences. I'm having a hard time getting it into my head that it perhaps wasn't my fault. Either of the times.

I think I might phone the helpline tonight and just see if I can at least say it out loud. I'll come back and let you know how I get on. Just need to try and get through work today, it's all I can think about. I think I've been putting off thinking about it for so long I've opened massive can of worms.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/12/2013 09:53

Think of all of the times a person had the opportunity to attack you but didn't. That is fairly convincing evidence that the problem does not lie with you. It lies with this tiny minority of two men who saw an opportunity to take advantage.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2013 10:41

What am I putting out there to keep attracting these men?

Being female and breathing. That's all a certain type need. What about the cases you read of where some scumbag broke into an 80-year-old's house to rob and rape them? Tell me what that 80-year-old must have done to encourage them. The answer is, to be helpless in her own home. Just as you were in your own home, minding your own business, where you should have been safe; and in the other one, with a friend who you might have reasonably expected to look after you.

People like to think that rape only happens to a certain kind of woman who behaves in a certain kind of way. That means they can be comfortably convinced that it won't happen to them. Then if it does, er, that must have not really been rape, because it doesn't happen to people like me. Alternatively they may become convinced that they must be that certain kind of woman after all. And yet all they are is a victim of a crime. You don't have to be an especially bad person to have your handbag snatched, your car vandalised, your house broken into. And you don't have to be an especially bad person to be sexually assaulted. Hell, you don't even have to be attractive. You just have to be there when they feel like taking advantage.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 03/12/2013 12:56

Annie, what you've said really resonates with me. I don't feel like I can call myself a victim because I can't remember what happened. That i can't say "I've been raped" or call myself a victim and ask for help because I don't know for certain. I can only assume what happened because of the bruises and because I was really sore and had that after sex wet feeling. I felt sick with shame the moment I woke up there.

And with my ex, I know what he done was wrong. I keep going over it again and again trying to make it seem less like a big deal. My friends said that what he did was wrong but he was drunk so he didn't mean it and he did stop when I kicked him off me. That just doesn't seem fair to me. I know how wrong this is, I know how I would react if someone told me this- I would tell them it was wrong and they didn't deserve it so why can't i do the same to myself?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2013 13:07

Because we tend to hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold other people. Because we make allowances for others. However, you have to try to cut yourself the same slack as you would someone else. Your friends are wrong - but then might they be trying to minimise because the alternative is to feel partly responsible for bringing a sexual assaulter into your home? (I'm not saying it was their fault, of course. They didn't know what he'd get up to. But if it were me inviting someone in who subsequently tried to take liberties with a flatmate I'd be mortified, and I bet you would too.)

Interesting what mcmoonfucker says above, about the instant feeling of shame. Sounds like it might actually be a chemical reaction to the drug rather than a purely psychological reaction to what probably happened. Is that possible?

Vivacia · 03/12/2013 13:09

A man goes to your room whilst you're in bed and asleep and sexually assaults you by touching your breasts. He demands sex when you wake up and tries to pull your clothes down when you tell him to stop. He only stops when you use physical force.

It's difficult to know how you could exaggerate that in to a bigger deal.

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 13:15

You don't have to be able to recall events to be the victim of someone else's wrong-doing. If he had whacked you on the head with a cosh and you couldn't remember the night - you would still have been physcially assaulted. The law is very clear: do not have sex with people who are so drunk or drugged as to be unable to give informed consent. It also applies to people who are asleep or unconscious.

I believe that what you said happened happened, and what you infer is likely correct.

KnitFastDieWarm · 03/12/2013 13:26

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't deserve it/encourage it/allow it to happen or anything like that. The only person at fault here is the 'man' who thought it was ok to assault you.

Please get in touch with your local rape crisis team. Don't give this pathetic excuse for a human being any more power over your life.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 03/12/2013 14:09

I realise that I must sound really stupid that I can't get my head round this. I think I'm looking at it with my legal head on and not my out of work head. I know that just because it can't be proven in court doesn't mean that it never happened or invalidates the feelings, I'm just struggling to get my head round it.

When I phone them; what do I say? Where do I even start?

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/12/2013 14:16

Of course you were a victim. Even more so because you can't remember what happened.
(where's the hug emoticon?)

It's too late now, but his actions just caused you to be more confused.
A hospital blood test could have identified if you had been drugged and a gynae exam could have found evidence of being forced.
But these men count on the victim feeling ashamed, confused, and self-blaming. :(

Why don't you tell them, on the phone, that you think you were raped and need help?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2013 14:20

I suggest you start by saying that you find it confusing and don't really know where to start so you wrote it down, and then read out your first post over the phone. They must be used to people finding this sort of experience very hard to talk about; and oh, so used to people blaming themselves.

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 14:28

If you cry or can't get your words out, it really doesn't matter, they are used to it, because it's such a devastating experience. If you need to ring off and ring back, that's fine too.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 03/12/2013 22:38

I managed to phone them. I was terrified but she was so nice and understanding. She believed me. I can't believe she believed me. I finally cried about it, I haven't been able to cry about it since it happened but I finally cried.

Thank you so much to everyone who encouraged me to contact them.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/12/2013 22:52

So happy to read your update. :) Well done (in the least condescending way possible).

Hissy · 03/12/2013 23:00

Oh sweety, that's good news love!

Well done, you did a good thing for yourself today!

How do you feel now?

ITCouldBeWorse · 03/12/2013 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnitFastDieWarm · 04/12/2013 00:02

well done Salem! :)
we believe you, she believes you...because you deserve to be heard and believed. You're so brave for taking that first step x

SugarandSpice126 · 04/12/2013 00:26

Fantastic that you managed to ring, that's extremely brave.

I feel so unbelievably angry at those pathetic excuses for men that you've come across. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. These events happened purely because they are not good people. It has absolutely no reflection on you as a person.

Think about what you would say to your mother, sister, daughter, friend, if the same thing had happened to them. I'm sure there is no way you'd think about them the same way you're thinking about yourself. They would not be whores, sluts, easy, or stupid - they would hold absolutely no responsibility. You know those things wouldn't be true of them, and they aren't for you.

The very fact that your emotional response is the same as most women who have been assaulted (shame, guilt, feeling dirty) signals that it is NOT due to the way you are, but the way such a horrible crime makes you feel.

A woman could be rich or poor, drunk or sober, weak or strong, celibate or promiscuous, and they would all equally be entirely blameless. Yet undoubtedly would feel the terrible shame and dirtyness that you describe. You are not to blame, nor is any woman.

I know it's easy enough to say all this, and feeling this is another matter altogether, but I hope with time you can believe this to be true. Try and get some counselling, confide in your trusted friends, and be good to yourself.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 04/12/2013 10:10

I don't really know how I feel. I've spent so long suppressing it and telling myself it was my fault, I did it and I'm a slut so I deserved it that to start trying to accept it for what it is quite hard. I'm feeling very anxious today, can't concentrate. Took me forever to get into work and don't know how I'll cope all day. I just want it to all go away.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/12/2013 10:33

What, if anything, did the other person on your call say?

Vivacia · 04/12/2013 10:36

I second the advice for counselling. The not talking about it (and worrying about not being able to talk about it) is often far more stressful and depressing than actually talking about it, especially in a safe place.

Original poster
Salemthecat · 04/12/2013 11:32

She told me that it would be rape as I was too drunk to consent. That I was brave for phoning and speaking to someone and that I should be proud of myself for doing so. She also took my details to refer them to my local rape crisis centre for them to phone me and arrange a meeting.

I can't quite believe this is happening to me. I've spent so long suppressing it and not letting myself accept it that I don't know what to do now I'm starting to believe that it wasn't my fault.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/12/2013 12:42

I'm a firm believer that we do what we need to do in order to survive. Perhaps you needed to suppress and blame yourself because the alternative was too difficult to cope with. Perhaps it's coming to the surface now because now is the time you can and/or need to deal with it?

Original poster
Salemthecat · 09/12/2013 13:48

Hi everyone, hope you don't mind me updating this. I'm really struggling just now. I can't stop thinking about it. Over and over, it's like I've picked a scab and now the bleeding won't stop again. I'm anxious all the time and I can't concentrate on anything. Not ideal when I'm meant to be studying for uni exams after I've been work.

I can barely cope at work either, not focusing properly and keep zoning out. I just feel so useless and worthless. Just constantly letting everyone down - myself, my parents, my friends, my work. I thought the AD's would have kicked in by now but I feel worse than I did when I started.

I just want it all the stop. I want to crawl into my bed and never get back out of it.

Sorry for having a self pitying rant, I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Hissy · 09/12/2013 13:57

lovey, can you call Rape Crisis again, you need to talk to someone.

When did you start taking the AD? they can talk a long time to actually work.

The other thing to note is that you have suffered a violation against your person, you have been attacked and it is inevitable that you will feel bad/panicked/scared and all the other emotions that are running through your system. That's normal and to be expected.

Sure you can 'cope' for a while, you can manage, you can cover and you can ignore, but that doesn't change the fact that you have had this happen to you and one day or another, when it's safe for you to do so, or when your body can't internalise or ignore it any more, it WILL find a way to get out.

You need Rape Crisis short term, and I would think that you need GP support too. Call the helpline and ask for advice.

HUGE HUG, you will get through this love, you really will, keep talking and keep posting.