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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

227 replies

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:05

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/12/2013 01:47

That he's putting you on his application is neither here nor there. It's him trying to keep it together, despite his previous behaviour. You know, cake and eat it.

The most important thing he hasn't done to you.

You may need to be tough on the children. Will they really want to stay with dad? And will he actually want to have them 100%, if you were to move? Hmm

Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 01:55

He knows I wouldn't leave them ... I've explained again last night to the DC's the situation.
ITs the timing that's the problem Christmas here basically everything shuts down so he hadn't a prayer of sorting this all out by then.
What i then don't want to do us pack up, go home start new schools and then two weeks later get a phone to say he's sorted it all out, has a job and will we come back.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/12/2013 02:00

Would you go back?

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 16/12/2013 02:08

surely the children will have a serious impact on him dicking around if he were to think of having them on his own

god, i hope things look up for you soon

Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 02:08

Without the girls ? I think that would be too damaging to ever get over tbh. My mum had to flee domestic violence from USA and took one child, left two having already left me in the UK in the first place. I always swore my kids would grow up together.
I feel it's all of nothing ... Including him tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 02:10

I would let him have the kids full time and move out though, fuck it why should I struggle financially and that've the child support held over me all the time.
Am giving that some serious thought.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/12/2013 07:52

I meant if you got to the uk and he said he had a job in Oz. Would you go back again with the children? Or stay in the UK?

I suspect that faced with the prospect of being left alone with the two girls, he'll back track very very fast.

In any case, the visa is running out. He doesn't have one, so you have to return to the UK and the girls do not have much to say about it. Immigration would not be pleased, I guess.

You arrange things to leave as you'd normally. He's an adult, he can go too or stay.

Have you had legal advice? (sorry if it was mentioned upthread)

Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 09:20

I have had legal advice ... He can stop the girls leaving until 25th January ... The trouble is school in the uk starts 6th January and I have places in their old schools which I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd get back into.
That said they gave places in brilliant schools in WA well by WA standards any way. They could be happy here or it could turn to complete shit and we end up back in the uk anyway without the school places.
He will not accept this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 09:21

I have a job interview tomorrow in Perth so I could save our arses again but I just have this feeling I'll be back to square one in six months time.

OP posts:
aaaaaaa · 16/12/2013 09:58

You must be feeling extremely stressed. Don't you just want to get far away from him for some peace?

Lweji · 16/12/2013 11:21

For the sake of 19 days, it might be worth pushing to leave with them. And he may well not try to keep them there, as it would be pointless for a few days.
Why not arrange to leave and see what he does, instead of guessing or fearing his reaction?

Buildingamystery · 16/12/2013 20:00

What about the flights you have booked for a week's time? That must be thousands you have shelled put. Csn you really afford to lose that?

arfishy · 16/12/2013 23:23

Will they sponsor or haven't you mentioned the visa yet?

Is it permanent or contract? If contract you could use a company like CXC to handle your pay and then claim back the school fees/computers/any flights etc which would help you financially. I guess it's perm though if you're looking at a visa. Frustrating. Any idea if they offer salary sacrifice/FBT?

On a 457 you can literally save thousands if you have the correct advice - I learned this the hard way, nobody tells you. I'm on my sixth 457, I have been juggling them since 2005. I took a job with a company who offered me sponsorship (which they reneged on, job cuts meant they couldn't convert me to perm and sponsor) but they wouldn't do salary sacrifice, cost me tens of thousands - I could have claimed back school and MBA fees. I had to take the hit to get the sponsorship which then never materialised.

Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 01:10

No they will sponsor so that's something another 457 ... Buys me time whilst he sorts out pr.
The flights were paid for by my last employer and I'll just move them to the summer if I don't get on them, money isn't going to be wasted ... It's all about if I can hold my nerve and is it even the right thing to do.
It's now or never for returning home tbh, I cannot mess the kids around any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 01:11

It'll be permanent though and I don't think I will be valued highly enough for them to do salary sacrifice at this stage ... I'd rather have the security of PR I think than him on a 457 ... The last thing I want is me on a 457 but it looks like that's what has to happen.

OP posts:
arfishy · 17/12/2013 01:17

You've done amazingly well finding a job with sponsorship, especially at this time of year. I'm really impressed. Good Luck with the interview.

arfishy · 17/12/2013 01:20

The four year 457 will give you the time to get the PR through - or after two years you can apply for fast tracked PR through your employer.

I guess once you get in you can find out about salary sacrifice via their intranet if they have HR online. If they think highly enough of you to sponsor, which is a pain in the arse, then they might think highly enough of you to handle the 457 salary sacrifice too.

Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 01:27

The thing is I'm good lol my CV is great.
I've told dickhead if I get this job he is staying home with our kids whilst he secures PR and finds a proper job not any old job a real one and if that doesn't happen he's out on his arse. He wanted the fucking sunshine ... Hope it keeps him warm on the park bence he'll be sleeping on.

OP posts:
arfishy · 17/12/2013 01:48

Is he going to try to get a Skilled Independent visa? I tried that one and it was a massive pain in the arse. I had to put together intricate details of the work I'd done for the last 12 years and have it vetted by the Australian Computer Society who declared I was an xyz (which I'm not)instead of an xyy and xyz wasn't on the suitable occupation list. It meant that my only chance was to move somewhere obscure for 2 years and wait to see if I got invited to apply via the regional sponsorship scheme. Nightmare. It took me months to put the paperwork together.

Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 02:44

He's going for regional ... Could still take bloody years

OP posts:
arfishy · 17/12/2013 03:29

God I don't envy you that. The paperwork to get assessed is horrendous.

Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 04:13

And all the certificates have time limits on then do you get the health checks run out whilst waiting got the police checks.
I just don't believe he has it In him to sort it out and I am not paying $6,000 for an agent to do it

OP posts:
arfishy · 17/12/2013 04:26

God yes - I had to get references from the UK, Holland, Australia all certified, headed paper, written in a really specific way it took weeks and weeks - the first time they changed the rules after I'd spent weeks collating the paperwork and I had to start all over again. God it was grim. I hope VETASSESS isn't as bad as the ACS.

At least he doesn't need to do the IELTS but you're right, the timing is a nightmare and once you've been assessed you have to sit back and wait to see if you get invited to even apply.

Just thinking about it again is making me want to sit in a corner and weep.

Original poster
Mosman · 17/12/2013 05:06

He did have to do the English test for the points as he's old lol
The thing is he's been told he'll get PR but none of his ex employers are being forthcoming with refs and org charts etc.
I'm not convinced at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 18/12/2013 03:19

It seems to me the lesser risk is to get that flight, go home and give him another month to get his act together. If he's all sorted by 4th Feb I could come back and be in time for the girls to start the Aussie school term and if not then I'll know I made the right decision .... Dies that sound sensible ?

OP posts: