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Original poster

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

227 replies

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:05

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 13/12/2013 11:53

I know that ... All I get out if the kids is "he's doing his best" and from him that I should get a fucking job and a visa

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 13:14

His best is not good enough and if 'his best' for the family means fucking off (literally) then he's clearly illustrating the point very clearly.

I think that you need to have a talk with both of your two older daughters and be very honest with them:

this was their father's plan
he's not found a job that will enable you to stay
you had the job originally, but the job market in Australia means that it is really difficult to get another well-paid job in your field that would allow you to run the household
you love your daughters very much and don't want them to be in the middle of this fighting or in a bad situation;
you want to go somewhere where you know that you can make a successful, safe, happy future for all of you, where you are legal residents.
whilst its colder in the UK and they'll have less swimming, at least they will be in a good school where they will be able to pick up old friendships and make new ones without having to either move location because its too expensive or get deported.

lizzzyyliveson · 13/12/2013 15:22

What will the legal position be for your girls if they do end up getting deported? Will it end their chances of emigrating legally when they are adults themselves or is it just a minor blip?

Original poster
Mosman · 13/12/2013 15:59

I wouldn't allow it to come to that, but no I would be banned for three years - no biggie - they would be fine.

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Original poster
Mosman · 13/12/2013 16:00

I know everyone is right, it's midnight here and I'm wide awake, stressed out and he's at some tarts no doubt fucking her having a ball.
Not a care in the world.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2013 18:33

What are your thoughts on being completely honest with your two eldest? (You can also ask them to help you in getting the younger two to understand.)

Whatever, you can't just do nothing. Your children are being manipulated by this sad excuse for a man, and therefore damaged.

Original poster
Mosman · 13/12/2013 23:18

I have been completely honest ... All along and maybe that was a mistake because now he's being completely honest too and saying if mummy gig a job we could stay .... And that's not untrue.
It's a nightmare but it is true.

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mistlethrush · 14/12/2013 08:50

But the thing is that you can't get a decent job over there now - there just aren't the jobs in your sector available - whereas you will be able to find something in the UK as things are getting better. It was HIS dream to take your family out and he's not found the job to keep you there so he can't put it on you. IF DADDY WANTED US TO STAY HERE HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT JOB SO WE COULD STAY.

Original poster
Mosman · 14/12/2013 14:39

I just sound like a bitch when I say that .... And I have believe me, the more I appear to be slagging him off the more they feel sorry for him and cling to him ... He says I am showing my true colours and the kids see me for what I am .. You know a mum trying to insist on a decent life for my kids ... Grrrr I cannot wait to get away from him but am so worried I'll lose my girls in the process mentally if not physically. He's painting himself as a victim which is just ridiculous

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mistlethrush · 14/12/2013 18:30

OK... lets look at this the other way.

If they stay with their father in Australia, what will their life be like if you and your two youngest children go back to the UK?

I know that this is not what you want. However, would it be practicable? Would their father be able to look after them? What would happen about schooling?

IAmNotAMindReader · 14/12/2013 18:38

He's screwing you over anyway. Come January he is going to be perfectly happy to trot along illegally by the sounds of it and that would completely screw your children.
Your life will be easier without him as once you have the initial headache sorted it will stay sorted no him to constantly move goal posts and screw up the finances time after time. Your life would be easier with just the kids to deal with because I bet if you looked at cold hard facts he's a bigger nightmare to deal with and causes you more stress and sleepless nights than the kids do.

If the kids kick off tell them straight you aren't going to risk their future on an illegal act (staying illegally). Look up the penalty for staying without a visa. Last time I did it was a 10 year ban or something similar, if they knew that they might not be able to return to see friends for a vary long time it may help put things in perspective for them. The kids are clinging to him as they just don't want to lose the lifestyle they have become accustomed to.

Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 00:25

If I went home it would be to provide more security for the kids .... Defeats the object if I leave them with him making it more likely that he will fail.
There is a three year van I believe now if you're caught without a visa but lets face it they've bigger fish to fry than dickhead minding his own business, paying tax and living in the golden triangle of Perth

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 00:26

If we go home they'll never see their aussie friends again let's face it

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Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 00:26

And probably their father once a year if we are lucky

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aaaaaaa · 15/12/2013 07:35

Are the children back with you now?

mistlethrush · 15/12/2013 08:10

OK... so the only other opportunity is for you to get a job and stay there being able to solely support you and your children. Where do you need to move to to get a job? Stuff DH and his job - that's not got you the right to stay there. He's told your DDs that YOU have to get a job - but that doesn't have to be in Perth. What's keeping you in Perth?

Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 08:27

Told him he's not tied to Perth and needs to widen his net ... The thing is though if he's in Sydney I might as well be in the uk a five hour flight away he's still neither use not ornament to any of us.
Why can't he just get hit by a truck and get me life insurance pay out Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 08:30

If the kids have to move from Perth to say Sydney it's like moving to Italy from the uk, different education system, different years in school and it would cost the same as relocating from the uk to ship anything over, I can't face it with the kids, have considered doing it on my own. But then that relies of fuckwit doing a decent job

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RandomMess · 15/12/2013 08:42

Hopefully your dc understand that staying in Perth is not going to happen? You have pointed that out to them that neither of you can get a job in Perth and therefore you are not staying in Perth so it's either the UK or Sydney (or similar) and you are more financially secure in the UK?

If the eldest 2 stay behind how long before he ends up shipping them back anyway because they would interfere with his social shagging? I think he's holding them to ransom to make you stay because he likes his life the way it is now.

Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 09:27

Oh he does the only "reason" he can give for wanting to stay I. Perth is the weather - 42 degrees today, can't go outside its so hot - and that's why we are to be subjected to this shit for a bit of sunshine

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/12/2013 09:29

Well you can't live off sunshine can you! He can say what he llikes though can't he because he has firmly cast you in the villin role.

Original poster
Mosman · 15/12/2013 10:18

Lol I know ... And this may take years to repair no matter what happens

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arfishy · 15/12/2013 20:44

Are you applying for jobs? What do you do when they ask about your visa status? As soon as people hear my (UK) accent I'm asked about my visa whenever I'm talking with people about jobs.

SconeForAStroll · 15/12/2013 21:32

Mos, my dc keep in touch in what their Aussie friends via message and FaceTime. It isn't the same obviously, but they seem happy enough with it.

My dh is still in Perth. He says it feels like it is on a slide into recession - laying people off right left and centre.

I think you have to dob him in, I know you think that immigration might not be worried, but given he would almost certainly do the reverse to you, it is worth an ask. I can confidentially ask some of my friends over there for advice if you like.

Original poster
Mosman · 16/12/2013 00:38

You see he wouldn't do the reverse to me .., he's putting me in his pr application ... DC2 is adamant she is staying, DC3 wants to be with daddy where ever that is ... So it seems I'm back to square one bailing his arse out

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