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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

227 replies

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:05

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

OP posts:
Jux · 06/12/2013 12:42

Well done. I think you're doing the right thing. All the best!

mistlethrush · 06/12/2013 12:54

I think that you will look back on this decision happily. Good luck with the packing up.

foolonthehill · 06/12/2013 13:32

Oh Thank God....

Mos i have 4 children, on my own and a dick-head father for them all.

Life is better without XP in your life and in your head space.
You will make it work, you will have more energy and ...despite the British climate I bet your mood will be on the up!

arfishy · 09/12/2013 09:52

Well done on making the decision, it's a tough one. I'm looking forward to hearing how well it's going for you all (minus exH) in the UK.

BeCool · 09/12/2013 12:10

Wow fantastic decision making Mosman.

Whatever happens change needed to happen and it can be scary - but you've made a wise choice and I applaud you. Keep focusing on you and the DC and ignore the prats drama.

Does he know? Are you telling him or keeping hush?

Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 13:37

Well done mosman I think you are very brave. Which part of the UK are you coming back to. I think you said you have a house to come back to, which should make life easier.

cjel · 09/12/2013 19:58

How are things today Mosman?

Mosman · 09/12/2013 23:12

Oh I don't want go after all this ... Does feel like I have to though

OP posts:
cjel · 09/12/2013 23:15

Please do go on, where in the UK are you coming to? anywhere near any of us?x

Mosman · 09/12/2013 23:24

I'm going back to the north west .. The tenant in my house has completely trashed it in addition to not paying rent for six months ... I just feel sick at the thought of returning to all that shit and wonder whether I'm actually much better off anyway.

OP posts:
Mosman · 09/12/2013 23:26

Financially I think things will be around the same until I go back to work in either country.
And now two of the children are begging to stay.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 09/12/2013 23:40

Mos, you know you are going to have to sort the UK house at some point

You also knew the dc would be upset at coming back to the Uk

Please love, try to find some peace at finally having made a decision and do everything in your power to make a positive one. It's done now, for better or worse.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 09/12/2013 23:41

make it a positive one

cjel · 10/12/2013 11:59

Mosman, I would try not to pay too much attention to dcs begging. We moved only within England when I was 14 and thought I would die!! I thought I had the worst parents on the planet, but I soon settled and got over it.
As for house it would need doing whether they had been careful with it or not, you would have wanted to make it 'yours' again.
There are work opportunities here now and you will not have the constant pressure of living with a person who you clearly waste so much of you emotions on.
I think that its sooo normal for you to be having doubts, any life change is daunting and yours seems so extreme and you have pressures from H and dcs which isn't helping.

Stay focused and strong on the new happy future you can buuild for yourself with no hindrence from H.xx

NotALondoner · 10/12/2013 12:24

Where is your mil? Did she stat in the UK in the end?

Mosman · 10/12/2013 14:31

Well just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. It kicked off again tonight ... Again I asked him to leave and he wouldn't so I pushed him - wrong I know - anyway DC 3 starts screaming if he's leaving she's going too, always does this so I said fucking take her - DC2 hears this and announces she's going with her sister. At this point I fucking lost it completely and said if they want to go with him then go.
So they did.
He's taken them to a hotel room tonight.

OP posts:
Mosman · 10/12/2013 14:32

And he has their passports. Still no fucking visa though.

OP posts:
Jux · 10/12/2013 16:11

Oh boy, what a nightmare. But without a visa they'll all have to leave when you do anyway, won't they?

cjel · 10/12/2013 16:44

try to stay calm, they are young and he seems exciting at the moment.They will all calm down, and if you have visas they will be with youx How are you and other dc doing?x

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 19:15

The sooner you are out of there, the better. This is so unhealthy. What was the point of you screaming at him to leave when you are going back to the UK in a couple of weeks ?

Mosman · 11/12/2013 00:36

We are not great, I'm ok but you can imagine. He's told the girls I said I didn't want them, they are furious with me. I don't know how to play this ?

OP posts:
34DD · 11/12/2013 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush · 11/12/2013 08:30

You've got to be truthful to the girls and tell them that you didn't say that at all and that you love them a lot and want to make a safe and secure future for you all together, in a country that you are legally allowed to stay in and where you won't be suddenly put on a plane without being able to plan the move properly.

And you've got to be truthful about you and H in that you don't love each other any more and that that means you won't be staying together whatever country you live in.

cjel · 11/12/2013 14:36

I'm not sure what ages they are to how much you tell them, but I'd try and be honest and say that you love them more than anything and that your heart is broken at having to make these decisions and you have thought about it long and hard and this is the only way to make a secure life for them, Tell them you are not secure there because of the visa situation and that this is the only way.

RandomMess · 11/12/2013 18:09

I think you just have to be honest, you don't have a job that makes it possible to stay and even if you did as your ~STBX doesn't have a job and can't pay towards anything then you can't afford to stay! You can't eat thin air.