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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me again - what do I do for the best ?

227 replies

Mosman · 02/12/2013 00:05

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

OP posts:
Jux · 11/12/2013 19:23

You can't play that one nicely. The girls have to know that it is not true. Have to. You must tell them. It might impact on his relationship with them, but you cannot leave it. You MUST tell them, calmly and very very clearly. On this occasion, the most important thing is that they know that it is simply not true. You'll have to do a lot of reassuring anyway.

What an arse. How could any loving parent say that?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 21:37

This behaviour of his is why you are leaving him. I am not sure why you are thrown by it at this late stage.

Tell them a child friendly version of the truth. Is there something wrong with that ?

(this is mist, btw, namechanged)

cjel · 12/12/2013 08:39

Morning. How are things today?

Mosman · 12/12/2013 08:44

All calm on the western front ... He still has their passports though and still doesn't have a proper job.

OP posts:
BeCool · 12/12/2013 09:52

Do you have a plan to get the passports?
Keep focusing on what life will be like without all his drama and crap!! This moment is just around the corner.

You're doing great under very tough circumstances - stay focused, eye on the ball, keep calm, and breathe.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 12/12/2013 19:51

Why does he have their passports and why do you keep commenting on it ? What do you mean he "has" them ? He carries them around in his pocket, he has them in a locked safe, he has hidden them from you in your own home ? What ? Is this going to be a last minute drama..you can't go for your flights because he has the passports ? Don't you think you need to sort that out now, today ?

Mosman · 13/12/2013 03:35

He stole the passports and yes has them on his person.
I have no chance of replacing them before the 26th from Australia. None

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Mosman · 13/12/2013 03:37

And this morni g decided the kids needed reminding I threw them out - I threw him out and he took them - but they needed reminding. What a cunt

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comingintomyown · 13/12/2013 03:55

Oh dear what are you going to do ?

I haven't picked up how old your DDs are can you have a tailored adult conversation about why you are leaving for the UK ?

When are the flights booked for ?

Polynomial · 13/12/2013 06:46

I'm sorry to say but its time to go to the police and say that he is witholding (has stolen) the passports, and that you and your DCs have to leave as your visa is running out.

Mosman · 13/12/2013 06:59

I've been to the police they won't do a damn thing ... He is their father he is as entitled to have those passports as I am.

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Mosman · 13/12/2013 07:01

Sorry I should say the police came to me as the neighbours called them due to all the shouting and hulla bulloo going on.
Utterly useless ... Considered charging me as I'd pulled my daughter out of the car and I had assaulted her apparently that's how fucked up this whole thing is

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Mosman · 13/12/2013 07:03

The DCs are 13, 11, 9 and 3 they just want the fighting to stop understandably ... He thinks he's going to move out, get a place and then take the kids to live with him.

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mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 07:32

But he (and therefore the children) will still be there illegally and therefore liable to be shipped off home with little warning...

MissScatterbrain · 13/12/2013 07:45

Can't you call immigration or the British embassy to explain that he has the passports?

Mosman · 13/12/2013 07:50

They are hardly going to chase him though ... He's not a master criminal, we've not had visas for about five months before and nobody was bothered. I think you expect that you would be deported the day after the visa runs out but the truth is people live for years unchecked ... Probably in the UK too

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 07:55

He is a dickhead of the highest order. Could you talk to somebody close to him to talk some sense into him? Even his family must see that stealing the passports is a stupid thing to do?

MissScatterbrain · 13/12/2013 08:22

Well no harm in trying it though. You need to do everything you can to get these back - its a really fucked up situation and your DC are being harmed by it so getting out has got to be your priority.

Mosman · 13/12/2013 08:29

His family couldn't give a shit tbh. His mum thinks the right thing to do is stay in Australia because he won't get work in the uk - even if that means she never sees him again. His dad is worse than him - the apple never falls far from the tree I guess - he has no friends just his online fucks who have no doubt been spun a load of shit.
Nobody is going to agree with me and he think I am actually mental and trying to ruin his and the children's lives by running off back to the uk when the going gets tough.
I'm starting to doubt myself

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 08:35

Mosman - of course he thinks its all your fault - otherwise he would have to face up to the fact that he has failed to make his 'dream' work.

Jux · 13/12/2013 08:42

Phone the Embassy about the passports. I'm pretty sure They are able to replace passports very quickly, or give temporary passports etc.

What are you saying to the children about what's going on, why you want to leave, what is happening between you and h? The two older ones are old enough to look at things logically and will undoubtedly influence the younger two. If they understand what's going on - why you are doing things - they are less likely to be influenced by h. For instance, if you tell them that you never said you didn't want them and you love them to distraction, they might ask why their dad told them that you didn't. Then you can explain that he is trying to hurt you and he knows that losing them will hurt you more than anything else in the world.

I know that generally children are protected from the harsh realities of life, but sometimes you have to open their eyes simply in order to protect them.

Mosman · 13/12/2013 09:02

Maybe he's right maybe I do have toot high expectations and should move out of the city and make a go of it.
I know if I get on that plane there will be bugger all support from any direction and kids that blame me for everything.

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mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 09:03

What support have you got where you are? Apart from DH undermining you of course

Mosman · 13/12/2013 09:04

Half my message went missing ....
He had said to the kids that I have ideas above my station and if we'd moved to joondalup or something cheaper then all would be ok we could afford to stay in Perth.
I wanted the best schools - they came from good schools and an easy commute given I have four kids to get off to school before work of a morning.
Maybe I should move somewhere cheaper, get an au pair and give myself a slap ?

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 13/12/2013 09:14

No, he hasn't got the job he needs for you to be there legally. Its HIS FAULT that its all going pear shaped. Its not your fault - you got him to his 'dream' location and set it all up for him and he's not only failed to do what he needed to sort your status out, he's split the family unit up by being unfaithful and is rubbing your nose in it. And he doesn't have the decency to be truthful to your children.