I think I've done something I shouldn't (tmi)

[blushingm]

Saturday night I got a fb message from a bloke I went to school with. Hi how are you etc..........he's in a hotel room and feeling horny. I thought he was messing about at first but he started asking do I like to play with myself - toy or fingers? Etc

Anyway for the next few hours - til about 4.30 in the morning we were saying what we were doing to ourselves - what wed do to each other - really explicit stuff.

He emailed me a pic of his hardon - later on a pic of him covered in cum. He was asking me for pics - I did send one of my boobs but nothing any more intimate.....and we left it at that

Later in the afternoon - I get a message - what are you wearing? I'm in bed - at home - naked. Tell me what you'd do to me? A few messages back and forth but it fizzled out

Is this cheating? I have a dh and 2 kids, he has a gf and a dd.
I think I just got swept up in the excitement but I'm starting to feel guilty

I would tell my dp. I know its selfish but i couldn't live with the guilt or the thought that he could find out at anytime.
Just because one side of the conversation has been deleted doesn't mean the other end has.

DH still throws it at me in arguments
From 20yrs ago? I don't think I could live with that! I did something incredible stupid while dh & I were still at the dating-but-not-living-together stage & I told him. He choose to forgive me & we talked about it the next day, but never since. He never throws it back at me & I if he did so continually, I would take it as a sign he didn't trust me & leave.

"I have never seen as much manpleasing in RL as I have on this site"

Oh yes, MN Relationships is well known throughout MN and wider for it's manpleasing nature.

Anyway, OP made the right decision and is long gone.....

kali110 so you reckon your guilt is a fair exchange for wrecking his trust in you, and making him really unhappy?

s'OK then.

You're suffering, so he should too?
That seems equitable, I suppose.

"I have never seen as much manpleasing in RL as I have on this site"
Maybe on the part of the people posting for advice, not the people responding. Most desperate posters have been manpleasing for ages.

OneMoreChap don't you think it's hypocritical of you to say you wouldn't want to know when you yourself cheated on your ex with your current DW?

What's the difference? Not sarcasm, I'm genuinely interested.

FWIW, I agree with WannaBe I don't find that stuff arousing -occasional cheeky texts from DH, yes but not cum covered dick pics-

Honestly don't know whether I'd tell him or not if I did something like this though. My instant reaction is 'of course I would,' but I have no idea if I'd just want to cover my own arse. I'd hope I'd be brave enough not to though.

OP it really needs to be your decision, was WannaBe so eloquently stated, this just isn't something posters can vote unanimously on because it seems everyone has a different idea of what constitutes cheating when it isn't physical. For example, to me porn is cheating.

SpecialAgentFreyPie

Very naughty, I thought bringing details from threads passim into another one. Leaving aside your flagrant breach of the niceties...

no, see what I actually said
If it was DW, and she wasn't going to repeat it, why would I want my life wrecked?

My life was screwed and I actually stopped the affair; had another year of misery and left. But hell yes, it was repeated, and no I didn't tell.

If it had been a one off on either part, I'd rather not know/tell.
IF DW was stupid enough to video chat with some sad loser, felt guilty about it and wasn't going to repeat it - why would I want/need to know?

As you say I'd hope she'd be brave enough not to tell me.

Sorry, report my post. I honestly didn't mean to offend, you're one of the few male posters here whose contributions I find quite enlightening, you seemed passionate about this topic and have an experience and insight, so I brought it up.

I felt it was relevant because it may have skewed your views on cheating, which clearly it has.

I can't say why you'd want/need to know because I am not you. I was merely curious because of your past experiences and situation, how you would view the scenario if it were your wife, because the two of you have been through it before.

Anyway I stand by what WannaBe said.

Oh I worded myself badly, I meant I'd hope I'd be brave enough not to choose covering my own arse over telling DH - Not being 'brave' in covering up my dirty little secret. There's nothing brave about that.

I'd be careful if you're thinking about telling him. Everybody's different but if my wife did this, I'd leave.

I just want to give you a hug and hope you are ok. You did a stupid thing but I feel you were preyed upon by this man. I think you need to work on your self esteem and the reasons you got yourself into this situation. You obviously feel dreadful about it all so try and be kind to yourself. Why does your husband get anxious. Is this behind the lack of self esteem?

SpecialAgentFreyPie nah, np with what you said per se (just I've had a new one ripped for doing the exact same thing)

I can't say why you'd want/need to know because I am not you.
No, but can you necessarily say whether your husband/DP would want to know; his likely reaction, and whether it would improve his life?

If not, and it would make his life worse so you could feel better I think that's cowardly rather than brave. San Fairy Ann, we all have different views.

FWIW, if you're unhappy enough you're cheating you should leave. I wish I had. I'd have 4 more years of happiness, and XW would have had many 4 more years to sort out her life.

I was a coward then, and behaved badly; that DV/DA had somewhat damaged my perceptions by then is possibly my only mitigation.

OMC, I'm so very, very sorry you suffered DV. I honestly didn't mean to derail, you have my utmost sympathies there. My DH suffered terrible DV as well (as in, physical scars) I have as well, and DS1 will suffer his whole life due to his BM's actions during pregnancy which I count as DV, so I've seen the pain from all angles.

DH? Well I can argue both sides I think.

It wouldn't improve his life to know the woman he loves disrespected him so utterly (him being beside her sleeping somehow makes it a lot worse. I know that doesn't make sense) But on the other hand I would clearly not be the woman he thought I was, so leaving me could improve his life by finding someone else.

To me this would be cheating. Not everyone sees it that way but I think we can all agree it was a grotty thing to do. Not to mention foolish with nude photos, but I digress.

That's why I think no matter what any one poster says here can really actually help OP. Either she will feel validation to not tell him, or justification that telling him is the right thing to do when only she knows whether her DH would view this as grotty and hurtful or as cheating and a LTB situation.

I can see everyones point of view on this. I am along the lines of, i believe he should be told.
But i can also understand that it may have been a one off and caused by underlying issues that could be addressed, which could solve the problem.

That makes sense.
All the way up until the point you said he was laying beside you!
What. Really?

I donf mean to give you a hard time, and im sorry if it comes across like that.
But i dont think you could possibly love this man and do that to him.

Fair enough if you were feeling low and he was out ...or even in bed. But right beside you!!

I cannot understand that.

If i was in your position - i would tell him. I would like to know if someone done it to me. I believe you should treat people how you would like to be treat..

It is your decision at the end of the day. But you obviously arent happy - otherwise you never would have found yourself in this position.

Good luck in whatever you decide. It is going to be tough no matter which option you choose.

Iv allready said it would be selfish of me.
I also couldnt live with the fact that the other guy could show my partner at any time!
I would rather my partner found out from me than him

I think it perfectly human to want some attention at a time when self esteem is low. It would seem that support here is easily returned as criticism.

ARE you daft of course it's cheating.
" To love Honour etc :- that was the vow - anything outside that breaks it.
Sounds like you pulled yourself together just in time.
OK - I hear the low self esteem bit - and a bit of flattery is exciting and a turn on and make you feel GOOD- but who stands the most to loose if this is found out.
Drop the facebook link - fast.
You problem was you got involved in something relatively flirty that got out of control.
The dangers of facebook are well known.