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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've done something I shouldn't (tmi)

143 replies

blushingm · 25/11/2013 07:56

Saturday night I got a fb message from a bloke I went to school with. Hi how are you etc..........he's in a hotel room and feeling horny. I thought he was messing about at first but he started asking do I like to play with myself - toy or fingers? Etc

Anyway for the next few hours - til about 4.30 in the morning we were saying what we were doing to ourselves - what wed do to each other - really explicit stuff.

He emailed me a pic of his hardon - later on a pic of him covered in cum. He was asking me for pics - I did send one of my boobs but nothing any more intimate.....and we left it at that

Later in the afternoon - I get a message - what are you wearing? I'm in bed - at home - naked. Tell me what you'd do to me? A few messages back and forth but it fizzled out

Is this cheating? I have a dh and 2 kids, he has a gf and a dd.
I think I just got swept up in the excitement but I'm starting to feel guilty Sad

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 25/11/2013 19:55

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Ginwitch · 25/11/2013 19:57

To be fair there are people telling her NOT to tell him so on the same token they should also be told then not to offer that advice either...just saying.

DownstairsMixUp · 25/11/2013 19:59

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Apennyforthem · 25/11/2013 20:06

Nobody should be telling OP what she should or should not do, advice is one thing, saying she's right or wrong for not doing what I or we would do and that she should do the same as us is quite another.

Awwww bless you, do you feel better now you've got someone in your corner DMU, not feeling quite as lonely in your opinion lol. Seriously though, I never said your views were skewed, they're just yours and are not so correct that everyone should agree and abide with them.

DownstairsMixUp · 25/11/2013 20:09

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Apennyforthem · 25/11/2013 20:12

There's no attitude or nastiness in me whatsoever, just a bit of friendly banter - did you not see my LOL sheesh, why is it so upsetting to you that I have a differing opinion and don't agree that anyone should try pressuring OP to come clean. What does it matter to us if two people are apart this Christmas over one stupid mistake that the OP seems to be beating herself over enough already?

DownstairsMixUp · 25/11/2013 20:16

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Inthequietcoach · 25/11/2013 20:37

Oh good God, seriously?? Men really sit in their hotelrooms messaging random women to talk about sex, and try to get them to indulge in sex play, is there not some law against that? It is quite disturbing, really. I mean, it would be sexual harrassment if it was in RL.
Of course, the OP should have gone euwww, and deleted him, there are serious issues that she thought it was okay, but seriously?? His behaviour was so wrong I don't know where to start.

mainamow · 25/11/2013 21:05

Op I feel sad for you as your DP sounds lovely. You have deleted the messages but he probably has not. What if he emails the pic of your boob to your DH with all your chat? If that happens, you could only say you were not serious. You just felt disgusted by his behaviour and wanted to make a fun out of him but did not think of the damage. You must never tell your DH you felt some excitement if this ever comes out. Good luck and hopefully the guy is not going to harass you from now on. You need to treasure a good partner as you cannot buy the same one on the market.

MoreLifeInATrampsVest · 25/11/2013 22:02

I have nothing to add about the situation as pretty much everything has been said and you know you did wrong, but just a heads up - if this took place over facebook then you will not have deleted the messages. You can't, they only get archived and can be brought back up.

MoreLifeInATrampsVest · 25/11/2013 22:04

Pressed too soon, sorry - there is a function somewhere to download a huge file of your fb history etc and it will all be there still.

mainamow · 26/11/2013 00:07

MoreLife, she can delete the chat but will he, the "OM"? He might harass her into something threatening to show the chat to her DH or he might send it to him via FB, email, post. He is in deep shit too as he has a partner and a child unless he has little value for his loved once. Some people do bad mistakes when they are drunk so hopefuly this is what it was.

malinaaa · 26/11/2013 01:06

I'm just curious, why do you think he contacted you that night? I mean, it seems risky for a man in a relationship with children to contact a married woman with something like this, right? Do you have a history together or something? Or was he just drunk?

GhettoPrincess001 · 26/11/2013 02:21

How quickly the, 'sisterhood' disintegrates when they are not all chorusing LTB. How swift the judgement then.

I hope those on the moral high ground are getting a good view. Frankly let those who have done nothing wrong cast the first stone. I nearly choked on the level of self righteous indignation from some posters.

The OP already feels that she has humiliated herself by what she did. I would advise OP to keep it to herself. It sounds off hand to just say, 'get over it'. As days then weeks go by you will rationalise it and calm down and get it into perspective.

Hopefully it will act as a wakeup call which could be a good signpost. Being sorry can be a good time for insight. OP has had a chat with a friend and plans to talk again.

Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt, do not tell your husband OP. It will be more trouble than it's worth. He will struggle to get over it much more than you will.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 07:11

get away with the "sisterhood" Hmm

not excusing and minimising ghastly behaviour just because a woman did it is not trashing the "sisterhood" (whatever that is)

perhaps you have a comment on OP's attitude towards that when you think how she has disrespected this OM's wife ?

quite ridiculous, when you think about it

DownstairsMixUp · 26/11/2013 08:25

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GhettoPrincess001 · 26/11/2013 20:24

That's why I put 'sisterhood' in 'inverted commas' i.e. all in agreement when a bloke is at fault. However, if one of our own female gender is considered to be at fault they can't wait to move in like a pack of hyenas on prey. Apart from those that didn't.

Lweji · 26/11/2013 20:31

Actually, it's not that common that the sisterhood all agree with LTB, and similar advice has been given to men in similar circumstances.

DownstairsMixUp · 26/11/2013 20:33

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MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 21:18

You are joking, aren't you, GP ?

I have never seen as much manpleasing in RL as I have on this site.

GhettoPrincess001 · 26/11/2013 21:47

I'll go and find another thread to contribute to.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 21:51

As you wish Confused

Or stay, and don't be a Flouncy McFlouncer...

Pollydon · 26/11/2013 22:01

Of course its cheating!

DownstairsMixUp · 26/11/2013 22:07

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Cutitup · 26/11/2013 22:08

Put it behind you. Stupid mistake. Don't make your husband's life a misery just to appease your feelings of guilt.

And don't do it again. I'm sure you feel pretty lousy right now. Take it easy on yourself. It sounds like you are going through enough torment as it is.