I think that the majority of people who say they would tell their dh wouldn’t, why – because when people talk about telling their dh’s they are still thinking about it from their own perspective, how they would feel; think; what they would do if they had it done to them. But actually, if they then do it to someone else their perspective changes, because they go from someone who could never envisage doing something like that to someone else to someone who has done it to someone else, and then starts to think like the perpetrator, not the victim iyswim.
The whole argument that someone should tell their dh so that he can decide whether he wants to stay with them has much less to do with the belief that the dh has the right to make that decision and much more to do with people’s sense of moral outrage and feeling that somehow the perpetrator should be punished, should in fact punish themselves by offering a divorce as compensation for their misdemeaners. (IMO).
There is in fact only one outcome that telling a partner can achieve – devastation and years of potentially unsuccessfully trying to rebuild a shattered marriage. This isn’t about giving someone a one-off chance to make a decision – this is about destroying someone’s life just because people think the op should be ashamed – which it seems she already is.
Now, what the op did was bloody stupid. Actually I think those types of conversations are just bloody sleezy even if there isn’t a dh in the picture but to each their own I suppose.
But sometimes people do stupid things. And often there are underlying issues which lead people into situations they otherwise would never contemplate. No it doesn’t justify any kind of cheating but if allowing herself into a situation like this means that the op realises there are major issues in her marriage then perhaps this was the jolt she needed to either address the issues with her dh or walk away from the marriage. And no, I don’t agree that addressing the issue with her dh should involve telling him and making herself potentially responsible for the end of their marriage.
This was a one off. The op did it and has now regretted it. It was a sleezy conversation which went too far.
Would I be devastated if I found out – yes almost certainly. But would I want my dp to tell me all and offer himself up as sacrifice for his deeds if he bitterly regretted it and never intended to do it again – I honestly don’t know if I would.
Op – you were bloody stupid. But now you know this and have realised it, learn from it and don’t do it again. But don’t beat yourself up just because others think you should. Take the lesson from this and use it to resolve the issues you are having with A, your self confidence issues, and B, within your relationship.