What's the point of getting married? Convince me

[DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag]

I'm very much in love with my DP. It has been a long, rocky road for me to find him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him. He loves me very much too - we are very happy

I always thought I wanted to get married. But I've never really thought why

Recently, my belief in marriage has been severely rocked. My married friend is having an affair with a married man and the fall out from that is spectacularly bad. It makes me wonder what is the point of marriage vows if so many people just break them when they get bored?

My parents have been married forever. They don't really like each other, and my DM has said a few times that they have only stayed together for the sake of their DCs (Us).

Furthermore a mutual friend has confessed that she was previously married, had an affair with her (now) DH, but took years to leave her first DH due to feeling 'obliged' to do the right thing by him. I know of other married friends who believe in sticking with their DHs even if they're not happy, because it's the 'right thing to do'.

My own DP is divorced - his exW had an affair. So he's not really bothered about marriage, because he knows how little it can mean to some people. We both feel that as so many people stay together because they're bound by a marriage contract - then perhaps it is the non-married couples, who could separate much more easily, but who stay together because they love each other that really have the truly strong relationships?

But I still have the lifelong dream of getting married. I want to call my 'boyfriend' my 'Husband'. And I'm ashamed to say - I still dream of a big wedding, dress, the whole shebang... but that's really shallow!

So all of this has made me question - what's the point of getting married? What makes it different to just being in a long-term partnership with someone you love?

Can anyone convince me it's worth the hassle?

I should add that I asked another married friend this question yesterday.

She said (whilst hugging her DH) that it was just lovely to call him her husband, and to see a ring on her finger knowing that symbolized it, and it was just a secure feeling.

I believe her - but my DP says "Well we're secure anyway, marriage is just a piece of paper". I'm not saying he's anti-marriage - I think we will do it eventually, but I'm just feeling a bit jaded by recent experience and want some encouragement!

Even though my marriage ended, I loved it and thought it did make a difference to how I felt about H. Like you, I liked calling him my husband and it now fucks me off he calls me his ex partner as I am his ex wife - getting married took us to that next level of commitment in my mind.

I do understand where your P is coming from now though. Divorce, even an amicable one I would imagine, isn't nice and to me - highlighted just how much I sacrificed for our 'partnership'. However, I was happy to do it when we got married. H left me for someone else though - my vows obviously meant more to me.

Who knows whether it is right for you but I know if the right man came along (and I didn't ignore any red flags like I did with my stbxh), I would do it again - albeit protecting myself a bit more!

Tbh I think if I was in a relationship without kids I wouldn't bother getting married. However if you have children marriage is one way of getting a lot of legal protection in the event that one of you ends up financially dependent on the other. e.g. if you or he want to be a SAHM/D. Whilst I know some women absolutely wouldn't want to do that there aren't any guarantees of having a child that doesn't require full-time care or have needs that make it too difficult or not financially viable for both parents to work.

There are a few legal things that are still only covered by marriage (ie can't be sorted with a few solicitor hours and a neat contract no matter how clever they are), mainly catastrophe things like inheritance tax exemption, next of kin protocols, etc.

It's far cheaper to nip down the Register Office in your best frock than instruct a solicitor!

I'm on my second and last marriage :) my first was the whole works and the worst day of my life.

Second time round I knew I'd met my soul mate. Marriage was what we just wanted. We did it just the way we wanted down the town hall just the two of us with witnesses from the city. It wasn't about the dress or the do or the party, but about us standing in front of each other saying I love you, in the eyes of the law you are now mine and no one else's. I love calling him husband too! We couldn't afford to do anything else but maybe we will have a blessing and have a party in a couple of years or so.

There are legal benefits to being married of course, but it was a deeply personal thing we wanted to do for each other. It's just lovely being married. Nothing changes tbh but it adds a certain quality I can't quite put my finger on. It bought us even closer as well.

If you haven't had the shebang though then that is good fun. The one very nice thing about my first wedding was seeing all my friends and family in one place. If you can afford it then it's a great thing to do.

Today marriage isn't necessary. It's a real personal choice. Honestly I can't explain and others will word it better, but I just knew I wanted to stand up and say I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my days and have that made legal.

We don't have kids - but we are TTC. If we did have a child, I'm sure it would be different.

Also - DP runs his own business, and we have mooted the idea of me giving up work to work for him. Just a fantasy at the moment - but I've told him that I would only do this as his wife, as it would be our business. I wouldn't be prepared to do it otherwise.

But both of those would be practical, financial reasons to get married. I'm a romantic- what are the emotional benefits of being married?

^^ What Horatia said.

Living that sounds lovely - and I too feel that I want to stand up and promise to love my DP for ever.

But, having watched friends and family do this then blatantly disregard that promise, it's hard to believe that anyone takes those vows seriously any more

FWIW DP and I are atheist. But my philandering friend is a church goer, who made her vows before a God she supposedly believes in.

In love my DH but the reason we got married cheaply in Vegas was because we wanted kids and were buying a house together. Not very romantic, but from a legal point of view it was the easiest way!!

I was never interested in marriage and never dreamed of a wedding. But we were both traditional enough to think he should "put a ring on it" before we tried for a family.

I am surprised by how much like I like being married. It does add a layer of security. It says "we've settled on one another; we are not keeping our options open" in a way that living together doesn't. Also, given how having children can often have a detrimental effect on the earning ability of one party (most frequently the woman) the legal securities that marriage gives are useful.

One of the things I thought would mean a lot would be to make those vows in front of my family. But since my family are currently whole heartedly supporting a hideous affair, what the fuck is the point of promising anything in front of anyone?!?

I would like to make those vows for my DPs sake though.

Oh, and I HATE calling him my 'Boyfriend'. He's 40 FFS, he's no boy. And 'partner' just sounds so dry and business like.

I would love to have all my friends and family together to celebrate my relationship - just that's just a bit narcissistic isnt it?

I remember reading about a couple who were anarchists and activist, and they went to a solicitor as they got older to sort out their legal situation. They were eventually advised that all of the legal protection they were wanting to sort out was easily and cheaply done by getting married, and was virtually impossible and would be very expensive by getting a solicitor to try and draw up similar. So they did get married, but secretly.

For me, I wanted to feel that security. I believe my husband meant and means his vows, and I certainly meant/mean mine. I feel privileged that he was prepared to single me out and speak those words to me, in front of all our friends and family. I like the fact that we are indisputably each other's next of kin etc, and that our legal and financial situation is secure. I absolutely feel differently about him being my husband than I did when he was my boyfriend/partner (we cohabited for some time before engagement).

I should say, I'm happily married (approaching ten years) but in objective terms the "point" of getting married is the legal protection it gives each and both of you.

Nice frocks, public displays of commitment, and semantics are all very well, but they can be duplicated by other means. If you choose to say "husband" rather than "partner" or vice versa then that's your business and nobody else really cares. If you change your name to his - or don't - then that's your business and nobody else really cares. Nobody cares whether your "commitment ceremony" is legally binding or not, so long as you provide enough and and don't ask for cash with a poem.

But HMRC care very much if one of you dies and the other doesn't have 40% of the estate value in cash...

It does add a layer of security - that's what people tell me.

But doesn't it just add an extra barrier to leaving if you're unhappy, which means that rather than leave, some people just cheat because it's easier than divorce?

Sorry, I'm clearly bitter and jaded at the moment and don't want to put a downer on anyone else's happy marriage - I'm just putting out all the questions that have been running through my head recently.

Tell me more about the feeling of security - how is it different to just living with someone?

Someone who cheats because it's easier than getting a divorce ... well yes the fact that you'd have to go through legal hoops to separate would be distressing, but would also safeguard your stake in any assets, pensions, etc.

and don't ask for cash with a poem - But I thought the point of getting married was to have a free holiday paid for by your friends, Horry? Could I have a Wishing Well instead?

I feel privileged that he was prepared to single me out and speak those words to me, in front of all our friends and family.... I absolutely feel differently about him being my husband than I did when he was my boyfriend/partner. - That sounds lovely Polka

I suppose, for me, I also want my DP to say those words to me because he has already said them to someone else. I need that, and more, from him to feel that this is real....

I love being married, calling my partner my husband is nice but the nicest thing is when we talk about what put marriage means. We agree that it won't always be easy and that neither of us are perfect but we talk about the hard times we have already worked through (married just 2 years but had 2 mcs) and how we'll work through hard times ahead. By all means you could do this if you weren't married but for us it was just something we wanted to do to confirm this with our friends and family.

Commitment.

It does add an extra barrier to leaving imo. Part of the point.

If you are married and split up then you share your assets. If you co habit then you don't- legally. If your house is in joint names fine but if it's not- and just in his ( or yours) you are stuffed if they want you out. When one of you dies the estate becomes more complicated to wind up even if there is a will, and you are not married because other people may feel they have a claim to it.

It's also a lot more hassle to divorce rather than just separate or move on- it's a legal procedure taking months or years. This gives people time to reflect whether it's what they want. It also gives the children ( if any) some legal protection re. finances if the DH is the high earner when you split.

Ultimately it's a public and legal acknowledgement that you intend to be committed to each other' till death do us part.' It doesn't mean one or both people won't stray, and never has though the stigma of divorce has changed out of all recognition over the last 70 years.

Unfortunately for you plasticbag, you have been presented with a whole host of poor role models for marriage; it is no wonder therefore you feel as you do. Your birth family though are completely dysfunctional; I would never have any of them there at your wedding because they will ruin what should be a special day for you.

What does he feel about marriage to you?. He needs to be honest with you as much as anything else.

I would ask him outright if he wants to marry you soon given what he has asked of you already i.e your entire financial state being dependent on him. You have wisely stated that you would only do that if you were his wife. If he says no you have your answer, he wants companionship without marriage. If you want marriage then you have to find a man who actually wants to marry you!.

Does your man actually want to get married to YOU or are you the "she will do for now" woman.

Bear in mind also that many splits resulting from cohabitation are just as protracted and perhaps even more messy as a divorce. Women often fare very badly indeed when it comes to splits resulting from cohabitation because it is they who then discover their legal position in law is extremely poor and they have no rights at all. They then discover too that what is his is his and what is hers is hers. If she is not named on the mortgage and or title deeds she is well and truly stuffed; she can be asked to leave the house if the house is his.

A half hour in front of a Solicitor would hopefully shatter a few myths to your DP about marriage just being a so called "piece of paper"; it is far more important than this. Although his first marriage did not work out it does not necessarily follow that any subsequent marriage will go the same way/

I would never want to give up my financial independence in your particular circumstances. If you were to leave and work for him as well you would be together all the time; is your relationship strong enough to withstand such pressures?. You would be his employee too. He would hold an awful lot of power here.

Sorry, from an emotional point of view, when it was just me and DH it didn't make any difference, but with LO it does have a nice family feel, and I'm not sure it would if wee weren't mariesfor although I have nothing to compare it against.

OK the cynics view point...

When I married my DH I believed it was forever. Then he cheated and I found myself on my own, with basically nothing of my old life left. Had we not been married I would also have been financially very disadvantaged as my career had taken a back seat in order for me to support his.

We didn't divorce in the end, but at the time I was bl**dy glad I was married as at least I had some legal claim on 'our' assets (which with the exception of the house were in his name, although they had been financed in part by the sale of my assets and flat).

If you don't marry protect yourself financially, don't give up your career, put everything in joint names and keep records. You may be starry eyed in love now, but the number of affairs you mention should be a hint to you that even that best starts can go sour. Don't be another woman left with nothing because they didn't think it would happen to them.

The other thing, he has been through a divorce already, and probably feels he was fleeced and his ex-wife got far too much. Men usually do. Perhaps he doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want to be 'hit' twice. An unpalatable but very probable explanation.

My first marriage ended because we were so totally wrong for each other. I had tried to break it off twice and was told by my mother not to be so stupid it was too late people had booked flights, what would the family say blah blah so I went through with it and finished the relationship eight months later. No one had an affair, it was just a hideous costly mistake.

Lots of marriages end for other reasons than affairs. But lots of marriages stay together and people are in happy loving relationships. When I married DH it was what we wanted because we loved each other and wanted to be husband and wife not boyfriend girlfriend (ridiculous as you say). The legal benefits were secondary. Granted if you have children then it also makes sense from a legal perspective, but do it because you want to make that commitment to each other not because of some paperwork. Romance is not dead yet :)

Dh and I never lived together before we got married; if we had I can guarantee we would never have got to that stage. We had enormous rows and my parents betted that we wouldn't last 6 months. We have been married 7 years and have got used to each other now

The fact that we were legally tied, the expense that was our wedding and the hassle and aggravation that splitting up would have been kept me there. Added to that I was not prepared to admit defeat and have a failed marriage without at least a bloody good try.

I really don't think that you have this motivation in a child-free living together relationship as splitting up is easy.