What's the point of getting married? Convince me

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I'm very much in love with my DP. It has been a long, rocky road for me to find him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him. He loves me very much too - we are very happy

I always thought I wanted to get married. But I've never really thought why

Recently, my belief in marriage has been severely rocked. My married friend is having an affair with a married man and the fall out from that is spectacularly bad. It makes me wonder what is the point of marriage vows if so many people just break them when they get bored?

My parents have been married forever. They don't really like each other, and my DM has said a few times that they have only stayed together for the sake of their DCs (Us).

Furthermore a mutual friend has confessed that she was previously married, had an affair with her (now) DH, but took years to leave her first DH due to feeling 'obliged' to do the right thing by him. I know of other married friends who believe in sticking with their DHs even if they're not happy, because it's the 'right thing to do'.

My own DP is divorced - his exW had an affair. So he's not really bothered about marriage, because he knows how little it can mean to some people. We both feel that as so many people stay together because they're bound by a marriage contract - then perhaps it is the non-married couples, who could separate much more easily, but who stay together because they love each other that really have the truly strong relationships?

But I still have the lifelong dream of getting married. I want to call my 'boyfriend' my 'Husband'. And I'm ashamed to say - I still dream of a big wedding, dress, the whole shebang... but that's really shallow!

So all of this has made me question - what's the point of getting married? What makes it different to just being in a long-term partnership with someone you love?

Can anyone convince me it's worth the hassle?

Thurlow It is very easy to ensure two cohabiting adults, two cohabiting parents, have the same security and ownership of the finances. All you need is a joint mortgage, good life insurance paid to each other, pensions named to each other etc.

Are you meaning personal private pensions? My DH has an extremely good final salary pension as well as 4x salary life cover through his employer but they would only be paid to me as his spouse- not if we simply lived together. And if he dies before me,post retirement the pension decreases to 50% for me as his survivor- I don't think any of this would apply to unmarrieds.

Don't all pensions have a nomination form now? I know ours do.

I got married for both the legal and emotional reasons. Legal: we wanted to have children, and I wanted the protection of marriage as it is likely my earnings will reduce and my career will be affected more than DHs. Emotionally: we've been together since university, so it wasn't about commitment, but about a public display of our commitment to each other and wanting to show our relationship was permanent in the eyes of the law.

We had a small wedding and I haven't changed my name. I still find it a bit odd having a husband and being a 'wife'!

Other people's marriages didn't matter to me when I was thinking about marriage - my parents were unhappily married, my sisters are happily married, one BIL has divorced and is remarrying. All that mattered was how DH and I feel about our marriage.

I think you were right to tell your DP you wouldn't work for him without being married - that would put you in a very vulnerable financial position, especially if you had children. From your other thread, it sounds as though you moved into his house - what has been agreed with regards to the house?

Why did you decide to TTC before you were married, despite wanting to get married - did you think your DP was going to change his mind?

I must admit I'm always puzzled by couples who have children then get married - if you were going to get married anyway, why not do it first when you've got more money and more free time to plan the wedding? Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but it always seems illogical to me (apart from unexpected pregnancies, of course)

What people take you more seriously married as unmarried,sounds antiquated
If it sticks in some one craw that one is unmarried,frankly that's their problem
I suspect it's same folk who think if you were really committed you'd marry

I signed a nomination form for pension nominating partner,he's beneficiary

Inheritance Tax would be a big issue. If you are not married the value of the estate is subject to IT. I can't see how jumping through all sorts of legal hoops, as well as paying a solicitor, is easier than nipping to the Registry Office in your lunch break and getting it all sorted in 30 mins!

Look,it's not the ease of getting married it's the fact not everyone wants to be married
I never wanted to marry,never dreamt if big day,dress blah di blah
So for those of us who chose not to marry their is provision one can make

payhisdebt I did get married, he turned out to be a cocklodger and the settlement process after recent divorce was horrendous. We got married in a registry office back in the day, it was my idea as we were TTC and it was the only way back then to ensure he had PR. As an old hippy I actually would rather not have done, as I believed "we don't need no piece of paper from the City Hall keeping us tied and true". We had no money back then, but DF gifted me some over the years.

OP I am not against marriage as such. I wish you well in whatever you decide.

There are lots of legal provisions that can be made to achieve the same ends in a less romantic fashion. IMHO the time & money spent in a lawyer's office drawing things up and putting signatures on various contracts is not really much different at heart to putting signatures on a marriage certificate. However, couples should do one or the other if they are planning shared lifetimes, children and other joint ventures. Doing neither always seems rather risky to me.

Marriage may or may not "mean" something to yo in terms of your attitudes to commitment and family life.

But it's better for you if you split up (how assets are shared) and if you don't (IHT exemption, access to state bereavement benefits). And being NoK is worth it if you holiday in destinations where non marital partners simply aren't recognised.

And sort out what you want to do before you conceive any DC. If you start making decisions that affect your career, earnings, pension etc, it is in your interests to know on what legal basis you are acting.

This is the thing, it was worse for me when we split up.

My view might be old fashioned and un-feminist but I like being his. I like the feeling of us belonging to each other in a tangible way. I like wearing my wedding ring and the commitment that it symbolises.
We were engaged for almost 7 years when we got married and I can honestly say I didn't even want a bloody wedding by the time we did it, I just wanted to be married and be DHs wife. I would have been happy to go to the local registry office on any old day at any time and just do it because it wasn't for anyone else it was for us DH wanted a sodding party that I had to organise though
I did have a lovely wedding though

Thanks for the link scottishmummy I've just emailed it to myself and DP to print off. Will be on to the doctors tomorrow.

The pension thing does worry me a little in that if something did happen, the money would be 'lost' i believe. I've nagged told DP to sort this out to find out what would happen to it in the event of his death. We've got life assurance both private and I've got a work one and we both earn roughly the same.

Our pensions are sorted with nomination forms. But I like the NOK form, I'll get that sorted too. DP and I are toying with creating each other as power of attorney too.

If it's a contributory pension then the pot belongs to the next of kin doesn't it?

Fad,the pension will ask for a beneficiary.he needs to nominate you

For me, a big point of marriage is not just protection if he dies or leaves but the security it brings now. Marriage is not a question of just be with who you want to be with. The marriage vow is not just "I do", how you feel right now when you're both happy & healthy, it's "I will" whatever the circumstances in the future. It really means a lot to me that before we had to stick together for the children, my lovely husband chose me & promised in front of everyone who mattered to both of us that he wanted to be with me & would love me however our lives worked out in the future & I promised that too. We take those promises really seriously & hold onto them when for one reason or another life isn't as much fun as it has been in the past. We know we're in it together & that brings me so much joy. I love being married & wouldn't have it any other way.

Thought of introducing myself as a wife makes we want to heave.
It's like people who say I'm a mother as their designation
Wee wummin at work used to say I had a bidie in,She frowned upon living o'er the broom

This is a good summary of the finances

Telegraph

Historically marriage has been about the creation of class based wealth alliances, the consolidation of treaties and transfer of formal state powers, and the transfer of wealth. In all of these the bride is a symbolic token of that transfer who allows for the potential to create other such tokens in the form of children. Except amongst the poor where it was used to cement the power of the church through bridling sexual passion. I find it hard to see what's really changed, bug maybe am being a bit of a miserable git!

"But lots of marriages stay together and people are in happy loving relationships."

Do they? 40-50% end in divorce. Out of the remaining 50-60% a chunk of these will be made up of frankly rubbish or non-existent relationships (eg. people cheating as the OP points out; people who live together but are really 'together' as we see on MN everyday; and people who are actually separated but remain 'legally' married thus buffing the statistics)

So, you have consider that the proportion of marriages that actually 'work' is likely very small indeed.

It's essentially psychological fairy dust, but with very real legal consequences.

I won't bore you with the other statistics showing how skewed the fallout from marriage is, but speaking from a male perspective, I'm amazed that any man with his sh*t together on an individual level would ever want to get married. It can only be psychological conditioning, because there is certainly no logic to it.

Some real smug marrieds on here

It's all based on the assumption that it protects the woman

Well I have the assets dp has nothing and no pension so were is the advantage to me because if we do split up (not planning it but no one ever does) then I could have to hand over half my assets no thanks !!!

We have 2 kids and he'd love to marry but I can't for the life of me see the advantage to me ?

I was told by my midwife that unless dp and I were married, if anything happened to me during childbirth dp would have zero say it what happened to me or the child. I did it for the kids, plus I really do see myself sticking with dh until death do us part.

I've even agreed to a joint account, and I really like that we are a unit, that we share a name, that we will always be there for each other.

no one is being smug. The law is in favour of the lower earner and in many- but not your- case that's the woman who statistically earns less.