What's the point of getting married? Convince me

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I'm very much in love with my DP. It has been a long, rocky road for me to find him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him. He loves me very much too - we are very happy

I always thought I wanted to get married. But I've never really thought why

Recently, my belief in marriage has been severely rocked. My married friend is having an affair with a married man and the fall out from that is spectacularly bad. It makes me wonder what is the point of marriage vows if so many people just break them when they get bored?

My parents have been married forever. They don't really like each other, and my DM has said a few times that they have only stayed together for the sake of their DCs (Us).

Furthermore a mutual friend has confessed that she was previously married, had an affair with her (now) DH, but took years to leave her first DH due to feeling 'obliged' to do the right thing by him. I know of other married friends who believe in sticking with their DHs even if they're not happy, because it's the 'right thing to do'.

My own DP is divorced - his exW had an affair. So he's not really bothered about marriage, because he knows how little it can mean to some people. We both feel that as so many people stay together because they're bound by a marriage contract - then perhaps it is the non-married couples, who could separate much more easily, but who stay together because they love each other that really have the truly strong relationships?

But I still have the lifelong dream of getting married. I want to call my 'boyfriend' my 'Husband'. And I'm ashamed to say - I still dream of a big wedding, dress, the whole shebang... but that's really shallow!

So all of this has made me question - what's the point of getting married? What makes it different to just being in a long-term partnership with someone you love?

Can anyone convince me it's worth the hassle?

We both feel that as so many people stay together because they're bound by a marriage contract - then perhaps it is the non-married couples, who could separate much more easily, but who stay together because they love each other that really have the truly strong relationships?

This is a classic 'why bother to marry' argument that's been trotted out a million times and IMO is rather silly.

If couples want to be together they will be, if they don't, they won't- regardless of a piece of paper. But the sharing of assets and the disposal of joint assets is more complicated if you are not married- and if you were ever a non-working or low earning cohabitee financially dependent on him you have to ask how you would come out of it if he ended the relationship. The legal protection afforded by marriage is not there. At all.

If you currently own your own home, and would continue to own it if you moved in with him, or he with you, and you have financial independence, fair enough- but many women don't especially if their careers are put on hold for children.

Did he come out of his divorce badly off? He seems to be the classic once-bitten man who doesn't want to lose half his assets a 2nd time around if it goes tits up. So he constructs theories about who is really committed- the marrieds or the co habiters.

I wanted to get married partly for the whole boring legal protection stuff - we wanted to have a baby - but also because I liked the fact we were saying to our friends and family - we have chosen each other forever.

And yes. It is a bit of a barrier to leaving in that tiny irritations that would be a dumping offence in a brand new boyfriend, you either put up with or argue about or have to stop doing, because you have decided they are a keeper. IYKWIM.

I don't think there's much point to being married apart from the legal protection you get. And it's a nice day for people.
People getting married multiple times is really what makes it pointless for me. It's about making a commitment.

It's a contract that one party can't unilaterally disolve behind the other's back ...... unlike the "tying up legal standing one bit at a time" (wills, NOK declarations etc.) alternative. You know in advance of the offical end of the contract if somebody is divorcing you so can take any steps deemed necessary to avoid unfair distrubution of assets/wealth. Other forms of legal papers can be changed behind one half of the couple's back and the first they might know that they can't count on what was previously agreed upon is when it is all too late.

The other advantage is that unless you have a big fluffy wedding rather just a basic marriage ceremony it's much quicker and cheaper than trying to create the same legal standings one at a time via a solicitor.

The "what it means to you" in the emotional sense is very individual, one person's sensation may well be very important to them, yet fail to convince another of its weight in terms of importance/value.

Christmascareer I think one is making more of a commitment if they simply choose to continue being together. If you need marriage to force you not break up then you clearly aren't right for each other. If you have nothing tying you to each other then that means a hell of a lot more if you stay together and work on your relationship.

Another one here saying that the romantic hearts & flowers, commitment & security aspect is the aspect that gets the most column inches (or whole magazines devoted to it) but should not be the convincing argument. If you're thinking of sharing your life with someone, having kids together owning property together, merging finances etc, a marriage contract makes very sound and very clinical sense. All kinds of relationships can go wrong, no-one has a crystal ball and marriage is a very un-romantic safety-net where any promises made have legal implications if they are broken.

hark I'm so sorry to hear that, we are in a similar boat. I'm very sorry for your losses. These painful experiences have bought us even closer and I feel so lucky to have such a good man and am proud to call him husband.

It's about having someone beside you through the good times and your hand hard in the bad. Picking you up when you're down and cheering you on when you're flying high. Working with you through the difficult stuff and no matter what always being your champion. No you don't have to be married for that but it's something about saying to the world I love this person enough that I'll put it into law for them.

Marriage is pointless apart from the legal benefits. I have ds with DP and we totally feel like a family. It's a Special feeling whatever. Also there is nothing legal holding us together just our love.

My marriage to my childhood sweetheart together for 12 years prior to getting married ended horribly - so the institution is tarred for me. I also totally as prove of women taking dh name - you can't o that and have self respect surely! I wasn't actually keen on arrange the first time but he said he would only have dc if married - we divorced before we had any.
I pulled marry if DP or I was diagnosed with a terminal illness I think for the legal protection. Divorce was the worst experience of my life and I dint get any legal benefits as we were childless depth some v v v bad behaviour on hs part.

I would say too just be sure you are not just in love with the idea of a big day as opposed to the marriage bit. You can have the big party and dress without the legal commitment :) I'm sure you aren't but it's so easy to get carried away.

You are sensible to want a commitment from him before you go into business together. But trust in each other will and should exist whether you are married or not. Without that then there isn't anything and marriage won't improve that.

It's worth it! Socially,emotionally,financially the whole lot. Yes, it could go wrong, there is no guarantee, but being married is more likely to bring a stronger sense of commitment and security and it's better for the children. Some would disagree with me but I would say go for it, show your love for one another and enjoy every minute.

I have been married twice, I am not sure what the advantages are, apart from the fact that a divorce does provide a legal framework for sorting the aftermath of a broken relationship, especially if dc are involved. It might be an expensive and acrimonious framework, but surely better than nothing.

I personally don't plan to get married again, which is not once bitten bitterness, just recognition that it is not for me.

If you split uop and are not married your partner has no obligation to pay you a penny (although must pay child support). If you are married you might get half his capital or more and a huge load of his income (or he yours if you are the higher earner). Massive differences. If you are over the limit then if you aren't married your children will have to give 40% of your wealth to the state when you die. If you are married there is none to pay.

It makes legal sense - the more financially vulnerable partner gets protection, and you will become each other's next of kin. No, it is no guarantee that things will work out any better it doesn't really reflect on the level of your commitment to each other. But it gives you better security if things do go wrong.

And if you like, you get to have an awesome party.

You don't need to be married,nor is it the ultimate act of commitment blah di blah
If you want to marry,do so.if you don't want to marry,don't. It's that simple
If you're unmarried see a solicitor re:wills,property, and see inform GP you're each other NOK

I'm not sure that what other people do in their relationships is relevant to yours unless they're shagging your other half. So others are having affairs/splitting up? Presumably they have a different moral code to you. Doesn't mean you will.

For me, it's about being a family unit in the eyes of the law, our wider family, friends, the community, church (if that's your thing) and so forth. I like us all having the same name and being considered a unit, even though we're all individuals and do our own thing too. But both dh and I do come from very secure and stable family backgrounds - both sets of parents happily married for ever. So that may colour our view.

For me to have the same surname as my kids, we had been together for years and fully committed to each other. It changed nothing in our relationship. If you need a piece of paper to ensure commitment to each other then it's probably just a waste of time

i split from the father of my children recently.
We were together for 16 years.

I am SO glad we never got married as I own lots of assets and am a high earner and part of our problem was his reluctance to work.

we have split amicably and he has no financial claim on me.

Our kids,have our surnames.i don't understand the surname issue as I'd never change mine

What's the 'social' benefit of being married? I'm intrigued. Are you saying if I married DP now after 30 years I might get invited to better parties?

I feel a bit like you OP

DP and I have been together 8 years, 1dd and a big mortgage that we both work and contribute to.

I hear of 'legal' protection all of the time but I've never been specifically worried about the things not covered by not being married.

It is right I'm not his next of kin (his DM would be) but in the event of anything happening I know she'd have a discussion with me as we get on extremely well.

We've got a will in place for things to go to each other if one dies, and where dd would go if we both die.

His pension needs sorting as it would go to his mum (I think) if anything happened.

We get grief a lot from family and friends for not being married. It's no one else's business. I saw my DM and DF divorce due to his affairs; MIL had a nightmare divorcing alcoholic DFIL - it's just not something that bothers me really. It will happen one day but for now we're really happy.

Fad you are sitting on a time bomb re. his pension- you are not entitled to any of it as a non-spouse. You cannot also guarantee that his family- no matter how well you get on with them- will be financially generous when or if he dies and they are alive. It's also very stressful having to sort out any inheritance issues even when they are covered by law in the middle of grieving- so you do need to be aware of how hard this all might be.

Fad,you're wrong about medical nok.anyone can be nominated as nok.nok nomination
Your partner needs to inform GP get it recorded in notes that you're the nok,not his mum
I see this bandied on mn all time.to be clear,anyone can be your nominated nok,a partner,a friend so long as it's recorded in their notes

For me, the only point would be the legalities and the protection if one partner gave up their earning potential. And only marriage in that situation because there is no other way of protecting yourself to the same degree. And only then if, for example, a mum gave up her career to stay at home with the children and felt that her future earnings, should they separate, would be so much lower because of the time spent at home.

It is very easy to ensure two cohabiting adults, two cohabiting parents, have the same security and ownership of the finances. All you need is a joint mortgage, good life insurance paid to each other, pensions named to each other etc. Stuff you'd probably have to do anyway. So the only further thing that is protected by marriage is one partner owing the other support, not just kids, should they split up.

For example, in my situation DP and I earn roughly the same and are both able to pursue our career. The house, life insurance etc is all sorted. Should we split up, neither of us owe the other anything, we would only owe child support, which is automatic regardless of marriage.

Personally, I have an issue with marriage for me as I dislike the concept of having to legally, officially declare that you are with a person. Why not just be with a person? Why need to declare by law who you love? But I'm very happy if other people want to marry, and I sort of get the idea of wanting a big special celebration.

It's a deeply personal thing, though. But as I said, I don't see that the financial protection etc applies unless it is one specific situation.

There is something special about being married. It can be subtle. I didn't get married until I was 40 and it is DHs second marriage. People take you more seriously as a married, unfortunate but true. I love being married, it is the 'two of us against the world' thing I like. We are lucky though in that we are best friends and from very similar background. He is ten years older than me and that helps too. If I had got married younger, I would have ended up divorced. I didn't find 'the one' until I was 39 though. It's not all been plain sailing, there have been rocky patches but we are older and wiser and less flighty I guess. I didn't want to get married and on our first date he told me he didn't want to get married again but he proposed three months later and here we are ten years later and I know we will grow old together and that is a happy and comfortable feeling for me. I can see it's not for everyone though.

Dsis had a good friend who lived with her partner for over 20 years. He died, leaving no will.

She lost her home and the car that she had bought. His family were apparantly entitled to everything because the house and assets were in his name. Admittedly she could have taken steps to ensure everything was in joint names, but she wasn't expecting him to die suddenly.

Personally I would not have stayed with DH had he not wanted to marry me. For me it is about respect and committment.