What's the point of getting married? Convince me

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I'm very much in love with my DP. It has been a long, rocky road for me to find him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him. He loves me very much too - we are very happy

I always thought I wanted to get married. But I've never really thought why

Recently, my belief in marriage has been severely rocked. My married friend is having an affair with a married man and the fall out from that is spectacularly bad. It makes me wonder what is the point of marriage vows if so many people just break them when they get bored?

My parents have been married forever. They don't really like each other, and my DM has said a few times that they have only stayed together for the sake of their DCs (Us).

Furthermore a mutual friend has confessed that she was previously married, had an affair with her (now) DH, but took years to leave her first DH due to feeling 'obliged' to do the right thing by him. I know of other married friends who believe in sticking with their DHs even if they're not happy, because it's the 'right thing to do'.

My own DP is divorced - his exW had an affair. So he's not really bothered about marriage, because he knows how little it can mean to some people. We both feel that as so many people stay together because they're bound by a marriage contract - then perhaps it is the non-married couples, who could separate much more easily, but who stay together because they love each other that really have the truly strong relationships?

But I still have the lifelong dream of getting married. I want to call my 'boyfriend' my 'Husband'. And I'm ashamed to say - I still dream of a big wedding, dress, the whole shebang... but that's really shallow!

So all of this has made me question - what's the point of getting married? What makes it different to just being in a long-term partnership with someone you love?

Can anyone convince me it's worth the hassle?

Firstly, the vows. If you do the Registry office, there do not have to be vows.

I have extremely happily married, my only vow to my husband was to keep on enjoying the crazy adventures that we share.

If you want to get married but want something personal and more "you" have a look at handfastings.

You could do the civil wedding very simply and treat it as setting up financial and legal protection, and then have a separate handfasting with the wedding done your way.

I think all that was covered in previous posts and the link I left for an article summed it all up very nicely with experts' advice and case studies.

I didn't think about divorce when I got married. The idea of marrying someone just for cover in case we split and I need to protect myself in as of a divorce is sad.

No- it's not sad it's being realistic and having your practical brain engaged.

Thanks everyone for all the responses - lots of food for thought.

To everyone who has given great advice on the financial security side of things on this thread - at the moment I'm not too worried about that. I'm financially independent from my DP and have my own house. Obviously things would be different if we bought a house together, or had a child.

In response to a few questions - EllieQ - Why did you decide to TTC before you were married, despite wanting to get married - did you think your DP was going to change his mind? because we have fertility issues, and decided that we don't really have the luxury of time on our side any more - so best to crack on with it and TTC because it might take us some time.

Someone asked does my DP want to get married, or am I just his 'will do for now' girlfriend - He is definitely committed to me, and we are very much in love. But he always fobs me off with "Of course I want to marry you, just haven't really thought about it... no rush" etc.

So, after pondering this thread, I raised the issue with DP. He agreed that he is a little commitment phobic after his experiences, and I admitted that having lived with the world's worst commitment phobe, that I am damaged by that and need some assurance from him.

We both realized that we are punishing each other for the hurt we have both experienced (he's afraid to commit because of what his ex did to him, I'm afraid of non-commitment because of what mine did to me)

We both feel jaded about marriage because of what we have witnessed happening to other people recently, and we do wonder what is the point of going through that for a piece of paper... but we both agree that what we have is more special than what those unhappy marriages have.

I did point out that while we think that our relationship is happier / or as happy as anyone else we know we are the only couple we know that have made no commitment to each other none at all

I also pointed out to him that once in his life, he made a promise to love and cherish someone - and that someone was Not Me - and that makes me feel second best, even though he is way happier with me than he ever was with his ex. I think the balance needs to be redressed so that the biggest promises he's ever made in his life are to me, not someone else from the past.

I also had a mini 'feel sorry for myself moment' when I said that although he has gone through all that with someone else - I never have. No one has ever given me a ring. No one has ever proposed to me, and No one has ever promised themselves to me. and that alone should be enough to persuade him that it's worth it for me.

So I guess this has turned into a 'Help me persuade my DP to propose to me' thread - but it has been a healthy discussion of the practical and emotional reasons to get married.

I still wonder 'what is the point' but I think I need to make it personal to me and DP and think that, for us, the act of making a commitment to each other and celebrating our love for each other is enough of a reason.

We ended the conversation with DP promising me that he wants to marry me, and will ask me soon. I definitely do not want to ask him - for the reasons I stated above. I told him that, sadly because of the scars I bear from my commitment phobic ex - it does hang over me and I would feel a whole lot happier and more secure if he did ask me sooner rather than later. He says he will.............. so I'll just have to wait and see.

Well Ann I guess if you see marriage as a practical arrangement that's fine. Forgive me for hoping there is a little romance and love left in the world.

There's something mercenary about approaching marriage if your first priority is this is mine, this will be his if/when we split. I include prenuptial agreements in this. If that is the approach then there is something wrong with the relationship and marriage shouldn't really be considered. With children involved it's a bit different. What's the point in getting married if you think you will break up at some point later? No one has a crystal ball to see in the future and I certainly didn't, but I would like to believe that marriage is for life when I stand up and say my vows.

And no chunderella's comments weren't covered in your earlier posts.

living romance doesn't pay the bills sadly, when there is a divorce.
It's being realistic- 40% of marriage end in divorce. What's romance got to do with being level headed about finances? Why use emotive phrases like 'mercenary'- can you not make a point without bitching?

OP great you have had a chat and used the thread to initiate that.

Couple of things- you say you both feel jaded by other married couples' marriages /divorces. There's no logic to this- they might still split up if they weren't married. Being married doesn't mean you will or won't have problems that unmarrieds don't- it's about the quality of the relationship.

Second- you have made a commitment to each other by TTC. Having a child with someone is - or ought to be- the biggest commitment anyone can make. Marriages can be dissolved but children can't be sent back!

If your DP loves you and knows that this is such an important issue for you- and you'd be having his child- then I don't know why he's fannying about. I hope it works out because you sound lovely and I hope he's not being an arse :)

They'd be different if you got married and moved into the house you own at present. It'd be the marital home.

Just saying.

you say you both feel jaded by other married couples' marriages /divorces. There's no logic to this- they might still split up if they weren't married. Being married doesn't mean you will or won't have problems that unmarrieds don't- it's about the quality of the relationship. But being married means that you feel you ought to stay, despite the problems in your relationship, rather than leave. And that sometimes leads to some people having affairs and hurting people. Unmarrieds may indeed also have problems, but I wonder if they're more likely to just end the relationship rather than have an affair? How many un-married couples do you hear of who have had affairs?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think some of the massive hurt I have watched my friends and family inflict on each other recently might be exacerbated because they are married - if they were just cohabiting, perhaps they would have had the decency to leave the relationship before sleeping with someone else??? I really don't know.

Second- you have made a commitment to each other by TTC. Having a child with someone is - or ought to be- the biggest commitment anyone can make - Yes I agree. But until we do conceive, that doesn't really feel like a commitment. We are trying, yes, but trying to conceive with someone doesn't commit you to them. We could split up tomorrow with no repercussions (other than emotional ones, obviously)

I think that frightens me is that DP and I did briefly split last year over something that is now resolved. I left, and slotted back into my old life - my house, friends etc, very easily. There were no practical implications at all. It frightened me to realise how 'uncommitted' we really are - the only thing that holds us together is the fact that we love each other.

So that made us think - we are together because we want to be together. How many married couples are together because they feel like they ought to stay together? And what does that say about marriage?

Aaargh I don't know, I'm getting all deep here. Don't get me wrong - DP and I are very happy, and I'd love to marry him. But I'm just doubting the whole institution because I've watched others treat it with such contempt.

Really, really and truly why did I get married the second time?
I knew DW wanted to, and wanted me to be hers.

Marry if you want to, unless you are having kids, or buying property, or acquiring assets. Then just to protect yourself and kids, property and assets get married.

For me it is a head/heart thing.

There was no logical reason for us to get married. We were young (DH was only 25), no particular thought of kids, no mortgage, no money, no ties. Just totally head over heels in love with each other and wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

If you don't feel like you want to marry someone, as far as I am concerned there is no reason to. The only good reason is that you really, really want to. It is a decision of the heart - it doesn't need to be logical & make sense.

I would never marry for security - it would feel like settling.

20th wedding anniversary next month - where do the years go...?

They'd be different if you got married and moved into the house you own at present. It'd be the marital home. There's something in this.

The house DP and I live in at the moment is his house - and was his marital home with his ex wife. I still don't feel like it's MY home, and therefore feel less committed / connected to it.

DP pays all the bills for this house. I pay everything for mine, which we use as a holiday home. But that feels very 'non committal' to me - I would be happier if we had a joint account and both paid for both houses together.

When I suggested that to DP though, it felt like I was trying to stake a claim on his assets (which are considerably greater than mine). He didn't say this, but I was very conscious of it.

My spectacularly commitment phobic ex once left a previous girlfriend when she suggested they get a joint bank account. He was of the opinion that women were all gold diggers and was still suspicious of me after 3 years of cohabiting. So it's something I've been trained to be wary of and I continue to be careful of suggesting any 'joint' financial commitments with my current DP.

So yeah - there is a bit of an uncommitted vibe going on here, despite us being happy together. So I think I'd just rest easier if we were a fully committed partnership.

Just totally head over heels in love with each other and wanted to shout it from the rooftops. - Awww, that's lovely.

And that's how I feel. We're so happy smug that I want to tell everyone and make some lovely vows to him in front of all of my best friends.

living all relationships end, either through one party leaving or dying. Therefore it makes sense to legally confirm your relationship with marriage so there can be no misunderstandings when that happens. Of course you shouldn't marry someone unless you wasn't to make a life long commitment to them, but if you want to make that commitment by ttc its very wise to ensure both parties' commitment is officially confirmed IMO.

Plus weddings ate good fun

I really don't get your marriage= affairs ( a lot of the time).

You only have to spend a day on MN here and see that the people who post about their DPs are equal to the number who post about their DHs when it comes to infidelity. And if we follow your logic on this it means that cohabitees are not as committed as marrieds and would simply walk away rather than have an affair- yet all the unmarrieds here are saying they are just as committed without the piece of paper.

so what you think doesn't make any sense. sorry.

I fully understand your feelings over being in your partners house- I moved into DHs home pre marriage (I didn't have a home) and although we moved after 2 years it never felt like 'my home' when living in the house he'd bought himself. I'd have found it very hard to live there if he'd had an ex- he didn't.

The emotional benefits to marriage only exist if you know in yourself that marriage has meaning to you. If you know it makes you feel more secure, or more fulfilled, then go for it. It means different things to different people. It is a leap of faith and not rational in the least. I personally believe in it , fortunately my dh felt the same, and we chose to do it, but I'd completely respect it if someone else thought it was a total waste of time.

I really don't get your marriage= affairs ( a lot of the time) You're right Ann I'm sorry, I'm just trying to make sense of some horrible marriage breakdowns and feeling very jaded.

Trying to see my own relationship in the context of all the crap that is going on around us is hard. Sorry if I offended anyone.

DP and I are happy though. I brought the subject up again today by just saying "You know, we're really happy. Maybe we should just show everyone how much we love each other"

You, MNers, will obviously be the first to hear if and when we decide to take the plunge!

But being married means that you feel you ought to stay, despite the problems in your relationship, rather than leave. And that sometimes leads to some people having affairs and hurting people. Unmarrieds may indeed also have problems, but I wonder if they're more likely to just end the relationship rather than have an affair? How many un-married couples do you hear of who have had affairs?

As an unmarried / happily cohabiting person is disagree with this. All the affairs I've witnessed or become aware of have been married people. I couldn't just leave - a £200k mortgage, a shared car and joint bank account. It wouldn't be easy. We do have dd too - so an argument happened over the summer and I could have easily stormed out for the day, but I didn't; we have a being who needs us didn't stop me ignoring him for 3 hours though

I worded my question about TTC/ marriage badly - it wasn't so much the timescales, but whether you'd agreed (or thought you'd agreed) that you would get married eventually.

It's pretty smug and judgemental of you to keep saying that married couples only stay together because they have to, while cohabiting couples stay together because they want to. That's like me saying that cohabiting couples aren't as committed to each other as married couples, because they haven't made that legal commitment to each other.

DH and I went through a bad patch shortly after we got married. Being married didn't make us stay together - in the first few days I started researching divorce proceedings (and discovered that you can't get divorced in the first year of marriage). What made us stay together was that once we'd got past those first few angry days, we agreed to go to relationship counselling, addressed the issue, worked through things, and we stayed together.

I think you are far too enmeshed in your friend's life if you're allowing her bad decisions to affect your view of marriage. It's different with your parents' relationship, of course, as that will have affected the way you view relationships.

I must admit that living in the former marital home would make me feel uneasy, even without the legal/ financial implications (though these are mitigated by the fact you still own your own home). Anyway, I'm glad you were able to discuss thie issue with your DP and I hope that's made you feel better about it.

Sorry if I came across as smug and judgemental EllieQ I really didn't mean to, I think I'm just a bit down about all of that stuff at the moment because of some shitty family dramas that are going on around me.

Thanks everyone for the good advice though, definitely lots of food for thought