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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

248 replies

20000leagues · 18/11/2013 15:35

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

OP posts:
Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 06:51

Thank you living I do feel like I have some closure now. Can't believe I still actually expected a discussion with him, like an adult last night though. He's clearly not capable of it.

OP posts:
payhisdebt · 25/11/2013 07:10

glad you phoned and glad you feel better about the situation and are no longer emotionally engaged / missing him.

Lazyjaney · 25/11/2013 07:11

IMO this early in a relationship there is huge potential for totally misunderstanding each other, so over thinking stuff at this stage is a waste of time, better to "take love easy" as the old song goes.

But given where you got to, IMO contacting him and clearing things up was the right thing to do, gives you closure and clarity.

ThreeTomatoes · 25/11/2013 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 25/11/2013 07:12

How did the phone call end? Did you make it 100% clear you've ended it?

akawisey · 25/11/2013 07:26

OP all possible permutations of why this guy does what he does are in this thread (with the exception of those who think he deserves another chance).

Stop thinking about why and accept he is not good for you. Delete everything, block him and DON'T contact him again if you value your self respect. It really is the only way.

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 08:12

jean I thought the text made that clear and he was calling to say bye bye, not to totally avoid the subject again. However true to form he avoided it and I brought it up saying we were too different in the way we handled things and its best if its over

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 10:28

I wonder where he was all weekend eh?

Anyway, trying to analyse him now is a waste of time because, well, it doesn't really matter to you now. It'll be someone else's problem soon enough.

Hope you're OK this morning. Onwards and upwards xx

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 11:02

Well tbh without being mean, judging from the issues he has had regarding sex and the ED I can't see that he was up to much this weekend. He said on the phone he had been to see his daughter. He must have arranged that when he decided ( without informing me) that he wasn't going to see me this weekend. Charming!

OP posts:
Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 11:03

I do feel a bit low though tbh, like I had a taste of something that could have been but never was. He couldn't handle me though could he

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 11:17

Oh OP you're bound to feellow. Never nice to break up, no matter what he circs Sad

Even the most charitable interpretation of this weekend is that he's a complete flake. And after the full-on stuff at the beginning, who wants to deal with a flake?

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 11:55

I'm probably being a bit thick here, but what's a flake? :)

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2013 12:04

Someone who is flaky. Unreliable.

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 12:08

Ah ok. Was only flaky after I challenged or questioned him about something

OP posts:
livingzuid · 25/11/2013 12:41

You're going to feel rubbish for a bit. You haven't been treated well which is hurtful. But don't focus on what you might have done or why he did xyz you will just end up chasing thoughts round in your head. Try to make some nice plans and spoil yourself. Do little things to make yourself feel better :)

akawisey · 25/11/2013 12:58

OP everything about him is flaky.

May I suggest you visit the Baggage Reclaim site by Natalie Lue? Look at Future Faking and Fast Forwarding. I bet you recognise him there.

ThreeTomatoes · 25/11/2013 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livingzuid · 25/11/2013 13:43

What tomatoes said. It's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

LittlePeaPod · 25/11/2013 14:20

You know what Op yes you will be a bit upset and disappointed this wasn't what you thought / hoped it would be. But, you must not forget that in the grand scheme of things you had a great time for 6 weeks. It was only 6 weeks and then 2 weeks of insecurities. If you saw him say 3 days a week for 6 weeks and then may 2 days in the last 2 weeks, that's only 20 days (less than a month). Is it really worth you getting really down over a guy you saw for say 20 days? What's 20 days? This thread has been going for 7 days, at this rate you will have conversed with us about him longer than you actually spent time with him..

Chin up, don't waste energy and time over analysing a guy you met up with for less than a month. It could be worse, this could have dragged on for another 12 months!

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 15:06

pea we saw eachother a bit more than that and spent every weekend together, but yes, granted in the grand scheme of things it's not a lot. I think I'm down because I have lost the "idea" of the relationship I thought we had. I have been reading baggage reclaim, very interesting. But why is it that although I could spot him when reading do I somehow find it hard to believe that's really him? I can't shift the feeling from my mind that he's the nice guy I originally thought. WHY, it doesn't make sense?

He has shown me who he really is in just a few short weeks, why then won't it sink in?

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 25/11/2013 18:07

It's understandable that you are upset at the thought of what could have been. But, I really, honestly think you need to focus on moving on, doing things you enjoy and don't get to hang up trying to psychoanalyse this guy. Continually trying to work him out will just keep you from moving on. Clearly he wasn't who you thought he was and that's all that matters.

akawisey · 25/11/2013 19:46

You can't shift that feeling because you want to believe that you're the exception to the rule.

But you're not. He isn't worth all this energy. Put it to better use, be nice to yourself.

madwomanintheatt1c · 26/11/2013 01:10

Or how about - WAS only flaky because you challenged him or went on and on at him about something? Maybe you are not what he thought YOU were? He was doing fine as a potential amour until you started grilling him about why he wasn't penetrating you, why he didn't tell you he loved you as much as he 'used to' a couple of weeks earlier.

I think the dude is completely baffled by your needy behaviour, and is trying to work out wtaf you want - because one minute you are ignoring his texts for four hours, the next texting him like a maniac and being pissy because he didn't answer.

And you lot encouraging her and trying to beef her up in the face of truly bizarre behaviour on her part is enabling. It isn't going to help her to have a healthy relationship in the future (the one that was developing nicely with plans for Christmas and seeing the new baby in January etc).

Op, for your own sake, you need to turn down the neediness. You had been seeing each other for 8 weeks and then turned into a bunny boiler demanding to know why he wasn't confessing undying love at every tick of the clock. You have driven him away, and he is being forced to back off to retain his sanity, probably wondering how he ended up in a relationship with you when at the start you were so normal, having fun and making plans.

But you know, I know you're all going to jump in with the old ,it was him, she is a divine and totally sane goddess, and he is so totes the evil emperor' that I don't know why I bother.

Is there some sort of tally running on this board?

I'm all for women giving emotionally and physically abusive men the heave ho. But the generalised LTB bollocksery on the face of a sane chap when the woman involved has turned from a regular woman into Needy McNeedy from Neediville overnight makes me wonder whether any of you actually read what anyone posts. (And yada yada,I know that'll come back at me)

Completely bonkers. All this faux 'help' and 'support' when all she needed was someone to say 'um, yeah, too needy. Cool it for a bit and see what happens'.

Meh.

Roseflowers · 26/11/2013 01:50

Whoa whoa whoa, I do feel the need to step in at the OP's defence here a little. All she did that was needy was try and discuss her relationship with her boyfriend. A standard which he himself had set in the relationship anyway! She mentioned that this bloke had been asking her is she really had feelings for him etc because if not he wanted to 'get out now' as far as I remember, how's that for needy? He was the one storming out and not talking to her for a few days after she tried to have a discussion with him about their sex life. Its hardly like she's been texting him and calling him and harassing him demanding proclaimations of love every five minutes, and as far as I'm concerned speaking to your boyfriend about how your relationship is progressing (on two entire occasions omg!!!!) is not exactly needy.

You forget that this is the place she's been venting about him, and whilst she's posted a lot about it here she's mentioned all of this to him exactly once and has been ignored and stood up all weekend for voicing her concerns a grand total of once. This says to me that she was probably right in feeling that his affections were waning. If you really do have no doubts in your mind about a relationship, when your partner voices a concern that you're not that into them anymore the normal and natural reaction is to make them feel secure, not freeze them out and ignore them for several days!

As I've said in this thread before, if someone sets a tone for your relationship (declarations of love, loads of affection and commitment) and then that tone suddenly starts to change then it is perfectly natural to question things, especially when it happens so early in the relationship. OP I think that this guy has made you feel insecure with his behavior for legitimate reasons which made you feel very stressed out. I know what that sinking feeling of 'something isn't right here' feels like and I've never, ever been wrong when I've felt it. Another relationship might not necessary pan out this way as little things can make all the difference in making you feel secure and loved etc.

LittlePeaPod · 26/11/2013 02:49

madwoman before getting your knickers in a twist about what people have or have not said on the thread maybe you should read thread properly. Hmm