Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

[20000leagues]

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Terrified of being hurt? No, he doesn't like being challenged, or having to deal with anything other than 'happy fun times' so he punishes you when you step out of that.

Please don't ever ascribe a man's bullshit behaviour to being 'scared of being hurt'. It doesn't give carte Blanche to act like a dick. Nobody wants to be hurt, why do men get to use this as a pass to be withholding, manipulative twats? And men who are terrified if being hurt don't come in all guns blazing talking about love a month in. They hold back, just like women do.

[livingzuid]

Nope, you can't live that way! It's emotional manipulation designed to make you never challenge him. So you're never allowed to say when something bothers you about him? That is impossible!

Some men come on strong at the start to hook you when they can sense you holding back. Then once they have you they lose interest. Some women are like that of course too. But lots of men don't have the courage to say it's over. They expect it to happen like some form of osmosis without feeling the need to have that discussion. It's a crock of shit and you need to be sure you save yourself here. It's exactly as eirik says men who are scared of getting hurt don't declare themselves like that. I'm sorry it's so rubbish for you.

[20000leagues]

I know the whole thing is ridiculous anyway it's the end. It's funny really because I had an ex who was EA but in a different way to this guy. I thought I was not able to say what I felt or express unhappiness about his behaviour, actually most of the time I could but he would get very verbal and forceful. I was never frightened but he could talk me down. Although a plus was I always knew exactly what he thought.

Because this new guy was quiet I automatically assumed he wasn't like the ex but obviously he is but in a passive aggressive way ( must look at my Lundy book again)

Last time this happened was when I gently had a question about our sex life and he walked out of my house, when I saw him 4 days later he said it never entered his head we were over and had only gone away to let things cool down. So he knows now exactly what I'm thinking and obviously doesn't give a shit

[20000leagues]

Am feeling very lonely and sorry for myself tonight :(

It has even started crossing my mind something has actually happened to him which is why he hasn't been in touch. Car accident ( drives for a living) further heart problems or suchlike. Just finding it difficult to believe he could be so ignorant as not to even txt to end it. Please talk some sense into me

[DeMaz]

20000, is there any chance that he may have met someone else? I'm sorry to have to ask that but every time a guy suddenly changes that's the first thing that enters my head!

[20000leagues]

Anything is possible I suppose. But he was till planning a trip to cinema this weekend only last Sunday and saying he was looking forward to seeing my daughters baby when it's born in January. I think it's more to do with what I was saying to him on Tuesday night when I saw him. He txt weds after my evening shift at work and txt thurs asking if I was home ( he normally asks this before he rings) I took 4 hrs to reply due to the fact I didn't have phone on me. I've heard nothing since and he was meant to be over this weekend

I have to move on but am just feeling down this evening

[DeMaz]

20000, I know how difficult it is at the moment. It's the 'not knowing what's going on' that's driving you crazy but something doesn't sit right with me. There's too many gaps and something doesn't seem to be 'flowing' right.
Also, men can say a lot of things to keep a woman sweet. They're just words. If he can't take a minute just to text you then there might be something else distracting him...
Tuesday, has nothing to do with it. If something is bothering you, you speak to your partner. That's what a relationship is about. Communicating, talking about how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about that! He's the problem. A woman's instinct is usually right x

[20000leagues]

Yes I am not able to communicate to him how I feel if its something he doesn't want to hear because he does a disappearing act. He's done it once before. His explanation is he likes to let things cool down rather than fall out. But it's just downright horrible not to reply to a txt if we were meant to be spending weekend together. The least he could have done was say he'd prefer the time on his own this weekend

[DeMaz]

But if you can't communicate with him then surely there is a huge problem with this relationship. He can't decide to just disappear every time it's something he doesn't want to hear.
He's being so cruel by not texting you or getting in contact. Relationships aren't always just about fun and happy times. It's also about getting through difficult and hard times together.
To be honest 20000, I think it's time to call it a day... You are worth so much more!

[DeMaz]

Also, you may feel like you're hard work but I just think he's made you like that!!! It should never be this hard!!

[20000leagues]

It's no relationship at all if I can't express myself and he doesn't care for me if he treats me like this. All day I have been debating whether to contact by txt or email to say its over dont contact me again, or whether to just leave it as why should I give him the easy way out by doing it myself. If he did contact me again I would do it then

[20000leagues]

demaz thank you I think he's made me hard work as well. I was deliriously happy at the start until he gradually started withdrawing as I got closer. He was very pleased with himself that he'd broken my barrier down and I guess that was enough for him!

[livingzuid]

Sorry you are so low. It's a shitty thing he has done to you. It's hard with no closure from his side but don't text or email. His deafining silence is all the answer you need. I think if he has had an accident you would know about it by now.

It isn't meant to be hard work like this and he shouldn't just bugger off when you have something to say, how ridiculous!

[madwomanintheatt1c]

And you were the one that took four hours to reply when he texted you!!!! And yet somehow if he does this to you it's wrong?!

Gah.

Honestly, leave him be. He's probably terrified.

[Monty27]

Is he my ex

I dumped, as soon as was appropriate. It is a mirror story though.

Just dump him.....

[payhisdebt]

agree with madwoman

[LittlePeaPod]

Op I really hate seeing anyone hurting and its very clear how upset you are. Having read through your posts I do have to say that you seem extremely insecure. You seem to want someone that will be constantly reassuring you otherwise you start getting really paranoid. TBH, you have only been dating for 8 weeks. It's only 8 weeks.. When I was single I would not have expected to see someone I was dating for 8 weeks every single weekend and through the week. At 8 weeks most new relationships are still quite casual, you are still getting to know each other and you should be having fun rather than getting so deep about everything.

Trying to put myself in his position. So he meets someone he likes by the sounds, he admits his been hurt before, he tells her that he cares deeply for her, his making future plans etc. He starts settling into a new relationship and then bang out of the blue he gets the Spanish Inquisition about why his not constantly telling her how much he likes her anymore, been constantly attentive and texting/emailing continually etc.

Looking at it for that position, if I were him, I would be running a mile too. Prior to meeting DH, I once briefly dated someone that was really needy and insecure. I have to say, it's really hard work. After about 2/3 months I backed right off and ended it. The thought of continually having to reassure someone like that is exhausting. Personally I found it emotionally draining and it really put me off him.

I am not trying to take aware from your pain and disappointment Op. It is awful to fall for someone and it not work out. But it's only been 8 weeks and clearly this isn't working for either of you. Cut your losses and move on.

[FlatCapAndAWhippet]

I also agree with madwoman, there is no wonder he's gone silent.

[20000leagues]

I feel I have to defend myself slightly here. Yes I agree I shouldn't have given him an inquisition over his feelings and if they had changed. HOWEVER I only became insecure when there seemed to be a shift in his behaviour to me. Tbh I felt as though we had become an old married couple already not somebody newly dating

He was happy to come to mine on his chosen nights/ weekends and have me cook, which is fine now and again and if all the romance that was there only 8 weeks ago was still there I think it would have been ok

As regards the texting, I don't care, neither of us are into texting all day long, it was only ever one or two to make arrangements. I mentioned that purely because I hadn't received a reply regarding arrangements this weekend which so far as I knew were still on. I hadn't been told differently.

I don't expect a constant stream of attention but I was slightly worried/ sad/ miffed that after such a short time albeit really intense to begin with ( instigated by him I might add) that it appeared to have died down so much. I think it was just the huge contrast that struck me

Oh and I don't really think its odd to wonder why a man doesn't want to have penetrative sex when you are in bed doing everything else and after about 6 weeks gently raise the issue with him to see if its something that you can work on together

[DeMaz]

How confusing for the OP for her BF to be absolute besotted and loved up with her one moment then suddenly turn cold and distance the next!!
Sorry but if that happened to me, I'd want to know what the hell was going on too...

[BitOutOfPractice]

Hi op. I just read the last few days posts and I'm sorry to say it looks like you've been dumped

I've also just clocked that you met online. Explains a lot to me having had considerable experience of online dating in the last 18 months. For some reason it seems to send some people a bit bonkers and they inexplicably think that it means that the normal rules of civilised behaviour suddenly do not apply. The most common manifestation of this is the disappearer. All keen and eager one minute. Then, suddenly, complete silence. Disappeared. This has happened to me several times. And if you read the dating thread here you'll see it is so common. Admittedly this one got further in than most disappearers. But nonetheless that's what he's done. I'm so sorry he managed to engage your feeling before he did one.

Try and learn from this though (and I know online dating is a steep. Learning curve). Try and drop your shoulders and relax into it a bit. And grow a slightly thicker, more cynical skin. There are lovely men online but you need a cool head on your shoulders to find one.

Chalk this up to experience and I hope you're ok

[20000leagues]

threetomatoes that's exactly how I feel. He plied it on way too early. Whether it was a conscious effort to reel me in or whether he just got carried away and jumped in too far too soon I don't know. But the result is I fell for him and he backtracked triggering my insecurity. It wasn't me who was getting all heavy and serious. He actually asked me why I was getting all heavy and serious the other night when I was questioning what had changed. I said that was a bit rich coming from him who had been saying he could see himself marrying me in a year or so

And the line about " hook line and sinker" could just be put down to a bit of banter between a couple if he was still here, but he's not is he!

[livingzuid]

leagues you don't need to defend yourself against such a coarse post. He didn't fit the bill for your needs and thank goodness you found out now rather than later. And to top it off he isn't man enough to tell you that it's not working for him.