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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

248 replies

20000leagues · 18/11/2013 15:35

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

OP posts:
Original poster
20000leagues · 24/11/2013 18:47

I haven't ended it as such and I haven't heard from him so effectively it is left dangling. I can identify with your feelings completely. What upsets me most about this though is he knows I have some insecurities and effectively must realize he's adding to them by nc. So far as I understood we were going out this weekend hence my concern when he didn't reply to me Friday asking if he was over Friday eve or sat morning

OP posts:
payhisdebt · 24/11/2013 19:01

well it's pretty rude of him not to reply to a direct text like are you coming Fri or Sat?

I'm going against the grain here but I'd phone him .

It may be that he has perceived some insult / slight from you and the two of you are in a bit of a stand off.

And I completely disagree with those who say its a red flag for someone to declare love early on in a relationship.

Original poster
20000leagues · 24/11/2013 19:17

The only perceived insult I can see there might possibly be is that we had discussed his possibly coming round thurs eve but nothing was confirmed during my "interrogation" of him. So on thurs tea time I received a txt saying "hi hope you ok, are you home?" He normally asks this before he rings on landline. I was out without my phone and didn't reply til 4 hrs later. I apologised explaining I was out ect. Since then there has been no reply, either to that txt or to the one on Friday.

OP posts:
payhisdebt · 24/11/2013 19:18

phone him

Original poster
20000leagues · 24/11/2013 19:19

But to say what? I really don't know. Plus I'm not at all happy at his behaviour it's a bit extreme if its because of Thursday. What could I say?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/11/2013 19:32

Don't phone. If he texts you just reply "sorry it's over". Which I think it is isn't it? I'm so sorry he's turned out to be less than you hoped. Well done on dissing him out this quickly

Original poster
20000leagues · 24/11/2013 19:36

Someone that "loved" me wouldn't get his own back by ignoring me just because of me not being around on Thursday evening and not texting back for a few hours would they?

OP posts:
akawisey · 24/11/2013 19:47

He love bombed you.

He TOLD you he'd love bombed you.

He flip-flapped about the future.

He controls the physical and emotional closeness of this relationship.

He punishes you for stepping out of the script he has of relationships.

He's on the rebound.

He takes the piss out of you.

All this means that, however 'Nice' he HAS been - it doesn't make him a nice man. Don't contact him. When he's calculated enough time has gone by to pick you up again he'll be in touch. THEN tell him it's over.

LittlePeaPod · 24/11/2013 19:47

Op do you really want to be with someone that makes you feel this way after 8 weeks? Don't call him, his already ignored you, stood you up and hasn't bothered contacting you over the weekend. He doesnt love you, thats not how you treat someone you love even if they have pisse you off. Stop torturing yourself. You were only dating for 8 weeks. Stay strong and work on getting over this. Move on and you will find someone much more suited to your needs.

Keep reminding yourself, it was only 8 weeks and you have been unhappy, paranoid and insecure for 2 of those weeks.

Original poster
20000leagues · 24/11/2013 19:50

I feel like printing these last two posts and pinning them on my wall :)

OP posts:
payhisdebt · 24/11/2013 19:52

phone him and say "what's up?"

I had a similar situation a few weeks into my relationship where there was a no phoning stand off. I caved in and phoned and am so glad I did.

Without going into details there was a complete misunderstanding on both sides.

I could have ditched a wonderful thing because of my wounded pride

akawisey · 24/11/2013 19:55

Well, good for you if you do Smile.

Sadly, this is so common I could have been you a while ago. But I knew it wasn't me and binning him was far easier for that.

EirikurNoromaour · 24/11/2013 20:28

Don't phone him! What akawisey said. Don't phone him!

payhisdebt · 24/11/2013 22:52

I despair of mumsnet sometimes and the consensus attitude to men on the relationships board.
people are so quick to cry LTB.

everyone deserves a second chance. what's the worst thing that could happen if OP gets back in touch . and what's the best thing?

beaglesaresweet · 25/11/2013 00:11

payhis, maybe your situation was different, but I can't see why would anuy good comne out of OP phoning! he's been rude and ignoring her. Even if he bears a grudge about her being slow to respond to his text on thurs, which in itself is silly, he should have calmed down by now and at least told her that he was worried etc. Why should she phone when hers was the last message and he's got the ability to phone too.

I think he's stepped back because of that conversation (OP asking why he stopped talking about love) as he's not in the mood to do so and doesn't want more questions. Best to let him go, if he really misses her, he'll phone and he will have to learn how to behave in mature way if he's hoping to try again. but if not, ther is no point contacting him.

bunchoffives · 25/11/2013 00:14

I don't think you've got the full picture *payhisdebt'

He told the OP he loved her well before he even knew her (shallow and immature, possibly controlling)

He withheld penetrative sex and refused to explain/discuss. When OP raised the matter he walked out and didn't get in touch for days. He also bought an unsolicited sex toy for OP before they'd had full penetrative sex (weird at best, waiting for a STD to clear up at worst)

He won't discuss any problems OP raises (immature, bad communicator, selfish, manipulative?)

He's blown hot and cold with no explanations (again immature, or manipulative?)

... and all this in just 8 weeks!

All things taken together mean the mn verdict is LTB.

I'm sorry you're feeling down and disappointed OP, but I really think you've had a lucky escape. You deserve much better than this loser who clearly doesn't know how to treat a partner properly.

My advice for the future would be to ignore any grand declarations (unless they are also very early on, in which case LTB) and take it at your pace, paying attention to how you are being treated. Unless it is with full consideration of your feelings and full respect, dump and move on. That way you won't get hurt.

Remember most people have to kiss a lot of frogs before they meet a prince.

payhisdebt · 25/11/2013 00:21

none of us have the full picture !
that's exactly my point

beaglesaresweet · 25/11/2013 00:33

full enough to know that it's up to him to phone and apologise for his disappearance, and if they want to end the relationhip, at least to do that in a mature way. They are just not compatible in their communication styles, what's point? He's an avoider, she's quite insecure - disaster zone. I bet if she phones, he will just ignore as he can't 'face the conflict'.

LittlePeaPod · 25/11/2013 03:16

everyone deserves a second chance. what's the worst thing that could happen if OP gets back in touch . and what's the best thing?

Not everyone deserves a second chance. If someone behaves badly (excluding any form of cheating and abuse), they genuinely regret their actions and apologise for their behaviour then maybe, yes they deserve a second chance. But in these circumstances its their responsibility to make amends. It's not for the Op to go running after him like some lost and desperate puppy.

Not all of us have been so desperate to have a man in our life that we will do, accept and make excuses for appalling behaviour just on the off chance he may change... Personally, I have way more dignity than that. Plenty of fish in the sea, not saddling myself with a potential snake just because he happens to be one of the first few to swim by.

whats the worst thing that could happen? look at how upset the Op has been. How do you think she would cope if he carried on treating her as he has over the last two weeks? It would completely destroy any confidence and self belief she has left. That is not a risk that I think Op should be taking.

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 03:57

Hi everyone. Well to bring things to a head once and for all I did phone him. It was to say I wanted to clear the air as things had been left hanging it appeared the relationship was over and no I'll feelings bye bye. That's what I was. Was Going to say that on the phone but he didn't pick up. I then had a txt saying he was driving and couldn't pick up Confused so I sent the above message in a txt

Lo and behold he txt saying he'd call in ten mins when he got home. He did call and I was all ready to discuss the message I'd sent and say goodbye when he starts chatting like nothing's happened. How's things, work ect I was a bit taken aback. So eventually I brought it back to the point of the relationship being over, and complete silence from his end. Then he says "i don't know, is it? " I pointed out he'd ignored txts which he didn't seem to remember ( yeh right) and he said he thought he'd give me the weekend

Then starts asking when I'm off this week and if he can pop over for a chat. I think he's crazy. I told him we had totally differing ways of dealing with conflict I like to confront things and sort them out, he likes to go away into his own little world. It's helped me see that it will never work, he's actually quite odd in his behaviour and its killed feelings I had for him because he's not who I thought he was

OP posts:
Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 04:02

I'd dearly like to know however what on earth makes him behave the way he does. He appears to think he can do what he wants behave as he wants then he feigns surprise when the other person is upset, confused or thinks the relationship is over. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 25/11/2013 04:47

Op. You are well shot. I really wouldnt waste anymore energy trying to dissect why this guy is the way he is or why he behaves the way he does. The only way you would get close to an accurate answer is if he saw a pychologist and you spoke to said pychologist. MN is not going to give you that answer.

Put your energy into moving on from this rather than obsessing about why the guy you dated for 8 weeks is the way he is.

Original poster
20000leagues · 25/11/2013 06:07

pea Grin psychologist you are probably right. He's a total nightmare. It's very scary how a person can seem so in love one minute then be a total arse the next. Personally I wouldn't treat a casual acquaintance the way he treated me.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 25/11/2013 06:45

Glad you have some closure. The guy is a weirdo and you should not contact him again! Sorry it has been such a disappointment. Time to focus on you rather than the needs of an avoider. You're well rid of him.

livingzuid · 25/11/2013 06:47

Honestly I don't think it worth trying to figure out what made him behave in such a way. You'll only end up finding imaginary deficiencies in what you did to make him do that when the truth is some people just have no idea how to go on. It's not worth it for only 8 weeks. Just know you deserve better.