Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

[20000leagues]

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

[20000leagues]

bitoutofpractice he suggested we close our accounts on dating site a few weeks back as we had found eachother, also that we both do this together which we did. I will not be re opening mine after this fiasco

[20000leagues]

living that's the worst thing of all that he hasn't shown me the courtesy of saying its not working for him. He doesn't even have to speak to me he could email me. It's just horrible. I'm half thinking he's leaving his options open. Last time this happened albeit not for so long when we saw eachother again I told him I was just at the point of deciding that was it. He looked all shocked and said so far as he was concerned ending was never on the cards he was just letting things cool down!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Op yep. I've had that too.

I am really sympathetic to you but you need to put this down to experience and move on (I don't mean to the next man I mean emotionally). It's been 8 weeks. It could've been worse

[20000leagues]

I'm trying my best, I know it's only 8 weeks, but it was very intense and triggered all sorts of feelings. However it shouldn't take too long till I forget him. I'm staying single a while now though

[LittlePeaPod]

Op like I said on my post I was trying to take away from your pain or having a go at you. It would be unpleasant to have a go at someone in pain regardless of circumstances. You should not feel the need to defend yourself. I may see things slightly different to others but that is not an attack on you. My post was to try and get you to consider the situation from a slightly different prospective.

I think the real learning point you may need to consider from this experience for the future is, really get to know someone before you allow yourself to fall so quickly. I would have been slightly wary red flags of someone that told me they loved me after only a few weeks. How can they? they dont really know me! He may well have meant everything he said initially but then it may just have fizzled out. It happens, people meet get besotted initially and then think "actually I am not all that into you".

The fact his backed off and gone silent says a lot. Cut your losses, move on and chalk this one down to experience. Yes you are unset about it ending this way but you were only dating for 8 weeks. You have no ties or commitments to him. Personally I wouldn't try to over analyse the situation too much. No point, because its clearly over and would you really want to go backthere anyway? Next time try and keep things a bit more casual for te first few weeks. Get to know him, his friends etc. before allowing yourself to fall.

[LittlePeaPod]

That she read " I was not trying".

[BitOutOfPractice]

I know it's hard and I'm not trying to minimise how you're feeling at all. But you have no choice now but to grab a hold of your bootstraps and move on. You'll get there and in a few months you'll just shake your head in disbelief at the arseholery that some people online get up to.

[LittlePeaPod]

# arseholery.. Great word!

[20000leagues]

peapod I realise you weren't having a go at me, it was a different post I felt the need to reply to. I have been looking at it from all sides, his as well as mine and have come to the conclusion that it was the change in him that made me insecure. I know it was all too fast and I also was aware that all that was a red flag. Even he said it was mad but that's just how he felt, perhaps he shouldn't have vocalised it all so soon.

Anyway he got to me, we seemed to be in tune on so many day to day things. I honestly don't know how to prevent myself from falling for someone in the future though. I've never been good with keeping my heart in check although I'm quite good at appearing as though I am. I do tend to fall head over heels once I feel safe. How do I stop this? I have no idea, surely feelings are feelings?

[20000leagues]

at arseholery too

[Lazyjaney]

I agree with madwoman, I think you got too intense too early and scared him off OP.

I also think a lot of the advice you got early in this thread wound you up more and partly made the rift worse.

[DeMaz]

Lazy, the OP didn't get too intense, her BF did! Now she's questioning herself...

[20000leagues]

So it's ok for a man to be really full on and talk of a future and love really early on and when he wins you over and you fall for him ( yes I agree all too quick but its not totally unheard of for these things to sometimes work) suddenly I am the one that was too intense and SCARED him off. It was all too intense too soon but I don't think it's fair to say I scared him off. If he was so scared he shouldn't have got involved so quickly ( or pretended to) seems as soon as he realised I'd fallen for him he suddenly didn't need that level of relationship anymore

I'm glad for all these different points of view btw as its making me see things as they really were

[LittlePeaPod]

You are right and feelings are difficult to control. But the intensity of the situation can add to this. Maybe next time just do some dating. Go out on dates rather than him coming to your home so often. Don't see him as often so quickly. Just slow things down from how they progressed this time. Try not to take things like been told his fallen in love so quickly to seriously.

I also agree with Lazy some of the advice you got initially did wind you up.

I don't think this guy purposely went out to make you fall for him, then dump you because his controlling or whatever. Yes he shouldnt have got so intense but maybe he did and then realised whenut was too late. that doesntmake his actions right. I think its all got really intense, maybe after a while his got comfortable and thought it not necessary to constantly verbalise how he feels because you seem to connect so well, you have both stopped communicating effectively, paranoia has set in and its all just got way too intense for both of you (one way and another). You have got upset/insecure and yes maybe he got scared..

I don't know but none of it matters now. What matters is you move on and learn from this so you don't leave yourself so vulnerable to been hurt like this again. Ultimately if you allow yourself to fall so quickly before really getting to know someone then you leave yourself open to been hurt.

[20000leagues]

peapod :) I think you may be right about what went wrong. I never had him down as a player, still don't. Shame it didn't work though

[LittlePeaPod]

You know Op for arguments sake even if he was a player. Well best finding out now and getting shot because the relationship could have ended up been "a real mind fuck". Imagine feeling insecure and constantly wondering every single day! Mind Fuck!

[beaglesaresweet]

ha, that's exactly the classic situation that 'The Rules' bang on about, i.e. it's up to a woman to pace the relationship when a guy rushes in. Oh well, no wonder so many wome feel cynical about men and their 'romance'.

FWIW it's not easy to see them less when they are all full-on and you are attarcted sexually, they get all resentful if you start rationing the meetings - I had one BF like this, all talk of the future etc. Or you have to lie and make up reasons why you are busy every night! Very controlling really, as when I tried to slow down he just got upset - but all the pressure has put me off and it all finished in 3 months, he wasn't happy either in the end. Still with a gentler man, like OP's, slowing down on her part might have worked.

[livingzuid]

The other thing too is that we are all different with different needs. Some people don't want or are not comfortable with too much too soon and that's absolutely OK. Some don't care about wanting to be in touch too much etc.

Just going to go into a personal comparison an I promise there is a point :) I'm personally not the above type. I want to always be chatting and in touch with my partner. I'm incredibly needy for a whole host of reasons I won't go into. And my DH is exactly the same. We text all day long, call as soon as I leave work and when I have to travel we sleep with Skype on so we know the other is there. It's been like that from day 1 of our relationship and I love that I can be that way with my life partner.

Not that I am saying you are like what I've just described of course! I cant understand people who are married quite happy to live in different continents from their spouses or just want to see each other once a week. Just as some people would be like wtf about how I want my relationship to be.

Point is you want and deserve to be treated the way you want and this guy didn't even come close to cutting it. There is nothing wrong in knowing what you want and going for it - doing anything less is settling for second best.

And yes he's an arse for not letting you know and giving you false hope! It's cowardly.

[livingzuid]

And yes to what pea said you'd always be self-doubti where's the fun in a relationship like that?

[LittlePeaPod]

I have to be honest I have never read any if those self help books. I thinks it's simple common sense not to rush into anything and be wary of those that do. And if they push for more than you want then dump their arse. If you fall for the over keen "I love you and we are soul mates etc" with a few months then be aware that you may get your fingers burnt.

There are two adults in a relationship. Both have full control of the dynamics. Neither of them have to put up with BS especially do early on in the dating process.

[Lazyjaney]

What peapod said.

I'd add that I don't think he was a player, the opposite in fact.

Onward and upward, OP :)

[LittlePeaPod]

Yes chin up op and onwards and upwards.

[beaglesaresweet]

livingzuid, you are lucky to have met him - and obviously knew exactly how to choose well - that's what's called finding a soulmate! I'm not quite AS needy , but needy enough, as so is OP by the looks of it. So far I couldn't find the right match. It's either he's full on too quickly (but kind of on his terms, and expects me to fall in with his routine too) while I want a somewhat slower pace, and he resents it, or a new partner is too distant for me. It's rare when you don't have to make an effort to adapt/compromise. Do you mind me asking, who initiated the relationship/dating with you two?

But generally the point I was making was in response to OP's comment of 'is it ok for men but not women to be full on' - and that's exactly covered in the Rules, that if a woman rushes in she's more reliable in her decision, but not so with men who are assertive andtake that first strong initiative, i.e. this type likes a challenge - I mean they can be genuine but then cool off if the woman starts being emotionally demanding quickly, and unfairly regardless of who started. That's why these books aer written - all the unfair points of male behaviour, not that you have to take the advice obv.

[beaglesaresweet]

should add, they may be genuine in their thinking that this is the right woman, but it's not real love after a few weeks, whether they think so or not. That's why you need to slow down and and don't get influenced by the love declarations until he really KNOWS you and loves who you are.

[livingzuid]

*beagle, if only I was so smart it was pure luck! I wasted eight years of my life on a total loser who left me with minus self confidence and esteem and ended up with me finally walking out. Took a move halfway round the world to see the light.

We actually met online - both of us initiated it really! From the moment we met that was it. Two and a half years later we were finally able to get married. He says he would have married me that first weekend if he could. That's the kind of man that I want, someone who is 100% obvious about how they feel for me from the start with none of this game playing. Just be upfront why do so many guys do this elaborate dance But I know others would hate that - point is what is right for one is not right for another. There is a soul mate out there for all of us and yep I am a hopeless romantic and proud!

Sorry op for a bit of a derailment. But I love being able to be needy and he's the same back. There's nothing wrong with wanting that but if it's not reciprocated it's horrible.

I also think we ignore gut instinct at our peril and sometimes force things because on paper it seems so good (I could have saved myself 8 years for example!) . Reading this thread lesgues do you think you instinctively shied away at the start?