Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

[20000leagues]

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

I find the "men are more assertive then women and take more initiative" a real irritating generalisation of women. We don't live in the 1940s/1950s. Women can be just as assertive and you know what if the guy doesn't like it then, move on. This is why I don't read these books, the annoy me because I find them intellectually patronising.

People are different though. I would find livings situation suffocating and I would off before he could type Skype.

But I am very headstrong and independent so I wanted a man that complimented my life and not someone that became my life. Probably why it took me till my mid to late 30s to get married and start a family. DH was also a bachelor till we met (he was Kate 30s) because he always ended relationships because the women he met always got really keen and needy.

I am probably not the best person for relationship advise because I normally think if you are dating someone and he isn't making you happy or you feel like games are been played then get rid. Stop wasting your time, life is too short.

Late 30s not Kate 40s

Just to clarify ex h was 8 years cold fish who gave me a bicycle pump for Christmas. DH nice and ott passionate and affectionate :) it's only Coz I am pg he can't come near me right now as I and the dog are super protective of my space

Yes I agree with the above poster. At the beginning everything is exciting and it sounds like he thought he loved you straight away and was dead keen. When reality set in, he probably felt a bit stupid and backed off a bit. It might have still had a chance of progressing if you had been a bit cooler. It can't be good for you getting so intense after a matter of weeks.

pea that's exactly it. We are all different and have different requirements. I'd be a gibbering wreck if I had to be all cool and collected with a bit of distance! But if one wants to have the distance and the other wants to be all close thats a recipe for disaster. People can't change can they - I've been guilty of trying to change a man and it's really not possible. Best to cut losses and move on. If only I had given my 20 something self that advice

I still think op's guy was a tool though and took a nasty way out by not being honest and just ignoring her. And stringing her along with talk of getting together over the holidays and then nothing. That's just mean and she didn't do anything to deserve that type of treatment.

I don't think he intentionally meant to be nasty. From what I have read I get the impression he took a step back to let things cool off a little. That doesn't necessarily mean he wanted it to end. I think op and this guy need to take responsibility for how it's ended. If he did want it to end he should have told op but op should have ended it too rather than hanging about waiting for him to determine her future. She clearly has been happy for a few weeks. I would have ditched him without a second thought had I been Op

Has not been happy.

This phone annoys me with predictive text. Grrtt

I was say he was, or putting him across as quite needy and having fallen for me big time almost straight away. I held back ( slightly ) because I found it a bit quick and I was scared of getting hurt. However I made the mistake of thinking because he seemed a genuine honest guy ( I know you can't really know someone in that time) but it was my gut instinct of letting my guard down. He said he could see himself married to me and if all was going well by after Xmas he'd like to get engaged. Yes crazy I know when I write it down. But like livingzuid I'm a romantic and love to believe things like this can happen. Plus we did get on. However when I agreed it might be possible he seemed ok for a while then used the birth of my daughters baby as a reason for delaying saying " we can't steal her fire" some alarms went off then but actually I wasn't that sorry as it was too soon. I didn't like that fact he used my daughter and couldn't just say he thought we were being hasty

I suppose I should have seen this coming :(

pea I think the reason I didn't ditch him a while ago is because I honestly couldn't work out whether I had just cause for feeling insecure or whether it was just me being a bit paranoid. I liked him and wanted to give it a chance because we did get on and have a laugh. Hence I asked him the other night why I was feeling things were abit different from his side and the rest is history

20000leagues I'm really sorry to hear that things have gone like this. I think the posters calling you needy and clingy are being a little harsh, at no point has the op said that she needs constant contact/ affirmation. I'm having the same concerns about someone I'm dating and its not that I need constant affirmation, its more about consistency than anything else. If you're with someone who seems absolutely mad about you and then you can tell (consciously or subconsciously) that they're backing off in that of course you're going to start feeling concerned.

OP I think you do need to start moving on from this one way or another, because even if things between you aren't over it seems to me that he isn't really making you happy as things are. He was, and that's why you're so bothered about this, and its ok to be upset by that. But you need to start moving on to positive stuff in your life again. If it were me in your shoes I would contact him and discuss (in a polite and calm manner) the fact that he hadn't been in touch when you had plans and sort out exactly what the situation is, because I think you may need that sort of closure to get a nice clean break. Again, I'm really sorry this has happened :(

I think therein lies the difference for me. I don't see the problem with wanting to ask someone where it is going after they've done a 180 on you. He didn't communicate at all. It's around 2-3 months as well isn't it when those sorts of conversations tend to happen? Or not in his case. Fair enough it did not work out and these things happen, but personally I don't think it's OK to not say 'sorry this is not working out' and leaving someone hanging without a word, particularly after such a song and dance he made at the start.

How are you feeling today leagues? Don't give up on the romance the right man is out there :)

rose and living your posts have made me cry at your understanding. I know it might seem mad to some to be upset after only 8 weeks duration, but your right I'm concerned and upset because he did make me very happy until the last couple of weeks. And yes he did make a big song and dance at the start I'm so annoyed I let myself fall. It was only last week he was saying that if I wasn't feeling the same as him he'd prefer I told him sooner rather than later before he gets more involved!!

So no wonder why my minds messed up. I have spent the day with my niece and my daughter but still feel low. The worst bit is the fact he's left me hanging but in a way it shows me what he's like because he could even email me it wasn't working, yet hasn't even afforded me that

Do you really think I should contact him in some way to get closure? If I did I wouldn't know what to say

Well you haven't done anything wrong for starters. If he's going to get scared off when you want to ask where it's going then that's his problem not yours. It's a reasonable question, no one has time to mess around and invest effort into a relationship that won't go anywhere.

Personally I wouldn't contact. But I know you're concerned something could have happened to him legitimately. I just think anything you text sounds like you are fishing for info if that makes sense. It's hard right now but it will get easier. Just give yourself time and hold your head high.

Also I am rubbish at these kind of things so not the best to advise. I'd send something quite rude which would be lowering myself to his childish level

As in you were being reasonable in trying to understand where things were going.

living I was being a bit wingey the other night asking him why he wasn't saying the same things to me that he used to for example that he loved me. Also why wasn't he so keen for me to go with him to meet his children like he's was before. I was aware myself that I was coming across as needy and even a bit desperate. However I still think that if everything he had told me about how he felt still held true then that wouldn't have driven him off. You don't tell someone you can see yourself married to them then do a vanishing act just because they have an episode of insecurity do you? So therefore it seems as though my gut instinct that he had changed was correct :(

I think the main problem is not his ebbing and flowing with declarations or even with plans to meet dc - a lot of people are slightly on and off with their romantic moods (but it's still there, just sometimes in a quiet way), BUT the problem is that he can't handle conflict! Big red flag.

I can't stand these immature avoider types, and he stated himself that he can't deal with disagreements and prefers to wait ill it blows over - I think that's exactly what he's doing now. I could nevre understand men like this, as how the heck would a problem just go away unless you talk about it like adults?? It works only if both parties are the same and prefer to distance and ignore untill they 'forget about it'. The bottom line is, you are not compatible with him, OP - it would be a major issues if you do somehow stay with him, unless he's willing to learn to communicate and be less wimpy.

Op I really think you are torturing yourself by over analysing this, for whatever reason he may well have changed his mind. If you want closure then its best you send a text/email putting the final nail in the coffin so to say Maybe send a text/email simply saying "having considered everything and bearing mind our recent communication I feel it would best all round for us to call it a day." Clear, to the point and no room for misunderstanding. That way you know it's over rather than sitting waiting, wondering whether he will text/email you. Take control and end it yourself. Unless you are hoping he does contact you and you can somehow sort this all out?

I have to admit I have been guilty in the past of going NC when I was dating someone I was not really that bothered about or had only been dating short term. I wasn't been intentionally nasty but just didn't see the point because I saw it as just casual dating and nothing serious. It never even crossed my mind the guy may have been left in limbo.

20000, having read some more of your posts and the responses I'm sorry for being a bit flippant earlier on, implying that you were expecting too much from him. I understand that it is easy to get close to someone very quickly when you spend quite a bit of time together and I know exactly how painful it is when someone does a u-turn on you when you thought you were on the same page.

Hope you hear from him, at least to put you out of your misery, but I agree with others that you shouldn't contact him as he's being a weasel - if you cave into his silence now he'll think that you're weak and that he can continue to treat you this way. If he does get in touch, as I'm sure he will at some point, don't let him worm his way back into your affections without some serious discussion about what you both expect from each other and what is unacceptable to you.

Like him, I prefer a bit of space to cool off rather than endless discussions going over the same thing when you're never going to agree, so I know where he's coming from, but even when I want some physical space I would still reply to a call or message within a couple of hours. Not to is just rude.

pea had you been telling the guy you went nc with you'd fallen in love and were hoping he had with you and you could see a future? If not then fair enough if it was only casual there's more excuse for not telling them, although I have to say I would stil tell them. In his case none of this was true and of course it must have crossed his mind that he's left it in limbo.

Anyway I've no intention of contacting him there's no point and likewise if I hear from him I will have to tell him it's over because obviously this will be how he operates every time there's an issue

twosteps that's ok :) funny thing is if he told me he needed some space as he was getting wound up I wouldn't have liked it but I would have respected him a lot more for being open and honest. I don't even expect a reply within hours but I don't expect to be blown out which is effectively what he's done this weekend as we had plans

Beagle and Pea are right and I like pea's email suggestion. More sensible than mine would have been

Pea - I don't think you would have made declarations of love in the first week though! This guy didn't start off casual. It would have been much better if he had.

You haven't done anything bad. He put you in that position don't forget! And has refused to talk about it. Try your best to park this and move on. Not easy I know, but there are nice things like a new baby in the family to focus on? Do something nice for yourself like a spa day? He's not worth this energy and you deserve someone much better.

Op I have never easily told anyone I lovethem. Even when I knew I had fallen in love with DH and he told me he loved me, it took me a long time to actually say it. I have only ever told 2 men (including DH) in my entire life that I love them. That's probably why I would be a bit of anyone that said it to me within weeks of meeting.

I did date one guy whom I initially really quite liked, that i really like him and that I thought he was really attractive and could see us making a go of it. But then after 3/4 weeks of getting to know him, I remember starting to get irritated with him so just cooled off and went NC. I think that's the most I have said to someone. However, I have always ended anything long term face to face.

What is the matter with me that I'm feeling so low and down. I'm missing him as well, it's ridiculous and I really don't want to spend more energy on him but I can't seem to be able to wipe it from my mind

I should have known better because I knew he was not long out of another relationship lasting several years when we met, yet so was I and I was no longer in love with my ex so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We discussed these relationships and I said I didn't want to be a rebound if he still felt he wanted to try again with her, he assured me he didn't. Maybe it was all too soon I hate to say it but I do feel abit used

2000 have you actually ended things? Or has it just been left dangling?

I think people here have been really harsh towards your boyfriend, telling you to ditch him.

I really sympathise with your predicament because I am going through something similar . I am recently separated and seeing a wonderful man and have been for a few months. I get very insecure if he does not reply to my texts or appears not to be including me in his life and I struggle to wonder if it is because he is going off me ( there is no real evidence this is the case !) or if it is indicative of my anxieties and insecurities.

I have concluded it is my insecurities and he just does things in a different way/ at a a different pace. I am actually on anti anxiety medication and this is helping a lot. I have posted here for many years under different names , about my bad relationship with my ex ( we are getting on fine now we have split ) and this new relationship has been most unexpected and a source of great joy.

In my anxious moments the thought of this new joy being snatched away seems unbearable.

I am learning to chill , but it does not come naturally to me