Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

[20000leagues]

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the 'playing' idea could be a bit strong. The last thing that happened was what sounds like quite a heavy conversation - he was put on the spot - so he's chosen to back off a bit. If you want someone more attentive and he's falling short, then go your separate ways. No drama.

[20000leagues]

I'm just feeling fed up I guess he's not right for me. If I ever talk about my feelings about something he backs off yet its fine and dandy for him to do so. The problem has arisen because he was mr attentive at the start so its not like he can't do it. I'm feeling like its a form of control in a way, don't say too much about certain topics, always be pleasant and happy or he will back off. It's not reality though is it

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'He's not right for me'

That's all that matters, really. Tempting though it is to analyse, if he's not right for you, he's not right for you. It's an eight week thing... easy come, easy go. Let him go.

[20000leagues]

I still haven't ended it, not quite sure what to say or whether to text phone or email. I have never finished with someone I still like before. After him ignoring my request to ring me Wednesday evening I didn't hear anything till thurs eve when he text me and I think he was going to ring as he asked if I was home. I was out and didn't have phone on me so it was 4 hrs before I replied, and said I'd been out without phone. Anyway no reply back at all. It's ridiculous isnt it, I have never been into game playing and point scoring, he's either heavily into that or doesn't really give a damn.

What shall I say to end it?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Sorry Mr Arsewipe, this just isn't working for me any more and I think we should stop seeing each other."

Sorry if that sounds flippant. I know it's hard. I had to do it (for very different reasons) earlier this year and it was really upsetting. Screw your courage up and call him

Good luck

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'It's not working for me'... least said soonest mended.

[20000leagues]

Tbh I would have done it sooner if the messages hadn't been so mixed. I've only posted the bad stuff, yet last weekend we went shopping together (all his idea) to buy some food as he was staying over a bit and planning our week. He has also said he can really see us going somewhere and if I don't feel the same he'd prefer I told him sooner rather than later. He's been planning Christmas with me. See why I've been confused?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Here's the thing. None of this would matter at all if you weren't really falling for him. If you could find it in yourself to be ambivalent you could probably enjoy dating the guy in a casual way. Enjoy it while it lasts etc. But as you've gone from a standing start to head over heels and want him to feel the same and behave in a particular way, I think you're more vulnerable. You either have to back off emotionally and force yourself to be less in intense and more casual.... or you call it a day.

[20000leagues]

I know and I don't think I can back off emotionally, I can pretend to a certain extent but the feelings are there and that's that. I do feel miffed and slightly angry at him that he's brought me to this by all the things he said to me and now he won't say anymore yet still keeps seeing me.

I can see I will end it I really have no choice :(

[wannaBe]

cog speaks wise words. you've been together a couple of months, sometimes these relationships start out with infatuation and then when the relationship becomes a reality it's not the same. It happens. It's of course unfortunate that you've now fallen for him but we are talking eight weeks here not years or even months.

I wouldn't even necessarily say that he's a player or that he's not that into you per se. It may actually just be that he doesn't need to chase (and if you're together he doesn't need to really) and wants something more steady. You say you have fun when you're together, why can't you hold on to that. over analysis of where you're going and how much in love you are and how many texts are sent/received at this stage can be very destructive and if it were me I might be tempted to back off from that as well tbh.

[20000leagues]

wannabe I am naturally an insecure person and not just in romantic relationships. This is what I've been trying to work out whether he still wants a relationship and is just settling into being more steady or if he's backed right off me. My natural insecurity always makes me fear the worst unfortunately

[wannaBe]

the problem is that insecurity can be very stifling to the recipient and can end up being a self fulfilling proficy iyswim. ask yourself this:

Do you get on when you're together? have a good time? are things ok between you? if so then needing constant validation will put a pressure on that which doesn't need to be there. If you just relax and go with the relationship then time will tell if it is going anywhere, but reality is that after just two months it's very early days and it may or may not have a future.

and his reluctance to make gestures etc may not actually be him backing off, it may be him being scared off. Relax into the relationship, don't seek constant validation and see how it goes.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're insecure, the last place you should look for security is in the good opinion of someone else. Boyfriends come and go. If they are nice people it's unfair to make them responsible for your self-esteem. If they are not very nice people, they will take your insecurity and use it against you.

[JeanSeberg]

Perhaps some time being single would be useful now. I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong here.

[20000leagues]

A few weeks ago he even suggested we both close accounts on the dating site we met on, which we did together so I know he did it too. All this was his idea. He's a real mindfuck isn't he

[20000leagues]

I'm clearly not in a good place so I'm leaving it for now

[20000leagues]

Oh god that describes him to a tee. But he had all his combined with an air of not being very confident and quite shy and insecure himself. So I just didn't see him as a player type

[20000leagues]

The other thing he's said and done which has confused the situation is he has told me if he thinks an argument may be on the cards he likes to get away/ let things cool down before seeing eachother again. So I had put some of his behaviour down to that

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Eight weeks into dating... what could there possibly be to make him think there's an 'argument on the cards' worth cooling down from?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I agree with what wannaBe said,

over analysis of where you're going and how much in love you are and how many texts are sent/received at this stage can be very destructive and if it were me I might be tempted to back off from that as well tbh.

20000 if you are not getting out of this relationship as much as you feel you put in, finish it.

[wannaBe]

I think all that is a bit cynical. There are players like that out there, equally there are people on mn who declared love and marriage desire for each other within days/weeks and who are still together. Everyone is different.

But tbh the op sounds like quite hard work. The man is still talking about a future, wants her to meet his children, is planning Christmas together and the op says he's backed off because he's not still showering her with text messages? If a relationship is to have substance then it has to consist of more than the constant reminders of how much you love each other. Yes there has to be space for that as well, but there has to be some deeper substance as well, and doing things together at weekends is a huge part of furthering that relationship into something more. If he wanted to back off he wouldn't be suggesting she meet his children, he would be making excuses for not meeting up (he isn't), but he might well do if op continues this level of insecurity.

[20000leagues]

I think the problem is that I wouldn't even be thinking "love" at this stage if he hadn't been so super keen and seductive to start with. Yes I should have held back and I did try but he got to me, because he didn't seem arrogant, wasn't classically good looking he seemed genuine.

cog he said he hates arguing (who doesn't) and can't see why relationships can't just be about being happy and loving and enjoyment. Have to say that all sounds great but very hard to sustain all the time. Then he said rather that argue he prefers to leave and wait for things to cool !