Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

[20000leagues]

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him :(

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

[Grennie]

I think trusting your gut feelings is important. And 2 months in, you shouldn't be feeling that he is no longer being nice to you as he used to be.

[20000leagues]

Actually I'm realising his behaviour has made me insecure. The huge shift in being so keen to seemingly not that bothered in such a short time is what has caused this. I agree I have probably become hard work now but I think his behaviour has had a hand in this.

I don't expect anyone to fulfil all my needs its just not possible. I just expect to be treated properly

[20000leagues]

And not have this horrible feeling of not quite knowing where I stand

[Grennie]

His behaviour making you insecure, is a very bad sign.

He should be making you happy.

[20000leagues]

He should be and he used to make me happy. It's no good trying to work out his mind, I will never be able to do that and he's obviously not man enough to talk to me. All I need to know is I'm not happy like this

[galaxydefender82]

Sounds like you are overthinking things. Everybody goes to those extra lengths and makes extra effort at the beginning of a relationship. My OH and I have been together 6 months. She used to drive over at random times of the nights just for cuddles etc, doesn't anymore lol

Do you suffer with anxiety? You sound very insecure

[20000leagues]

No I don't. However I think 2 months in is the start of a relationship

[Grennie]

Relationships should make you happy. If they don't, it is really not worth sticking with it.

[galaxydefender82]

Depends really, if it's intense and you saw each other a lot, 2 months can feel longer than what it is.

Anyway, I don't ee why he would be with you if he didn't want to be, perhaps he's just playing it cool

[bigstrongmama]

If he is 'playing it cool' it's a bit nasty to carry on playing when his partner says she doesn't like it!

Go with your gut feeling op. You sound pretty reasonable to me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with him, that might just be his style, and if so he's not for you.

I get what he means about relationships being about enjoyment though, I think it should be about adding to your lives and having a good time, but you do need the serious underlying feelings too for it to work.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This is not working for you.
Send the text - 'It's not working for me' and leave it at that.
Take back the control and end this.
It's making you miserable and making you doubt yourself.
Nothing is worth that. Especially not 8 weeks in.
If it's hard work now can you imagine what it will be like in 4 months, 1 year, 5 years time!
No - get out now.
As I like to say (OK I stole it):-
RUN FOR THE HILLS
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[livingzuid]

hells has hit the nail on the head. He has all the control right now. Take the control back by saying no to not being treated this way. It is not how you want to be treated in a relationship. Don't settle for half measures and the 'should I text shouldn't I' bs! If you're over analysing and reading into every action then I don't think that's healthy for you.

Do you trust him? And I don't mean just in terms of cheating but to cherish and treat you the way you want? If the answer is no then it may be time to call it a day before it goes any further as he may not be able to give you what you need. The right man wouldn't make you feel this way - you've had a difficult past and they should respect that and work with you to build up that trust. It's hard but then aren't you worth the effort?

Words are meaningless it's the actions to back them up that count! Good luck :)

[20000leagues]

I am not impressed at all by him. It's over, I sent at text earlier today as after reading some replies on here I thought it might be me that was being hard work. So I just asked him to give me a quick text or call to let me know if he was coming over this evening or tomorrow ( as previously planned) and I have heard NOTHING so that tells me everything. End of!

Thank you for all your replies, god knows how I will believe another man again I have lost all faith

[TwoStepsBeyond]

You seem to be testing him with your texts asking him to phone you or contact you. When he doesn't jump you get offended.

Perhaps he's busy, maybe his phone is on silent while he's doing something else, maybe he's watching a film and will call you later. Not texting straight back isn't the end of the world.

If you want to speak to him try phoning HIM instead of asking him to call you. It's 2013, we're allowed to make some of the moves ourselves. Maybe he's cooled off because he's fed up of always being the one to initiate things?

[20000leagues]

It's nothing to do with him not texting back straight away and I do ring him sometimes. I txt him today and asked him to contact me to let me know when he was coming over because he was at work, which is the reason I didn't ring. And as I said no reply

[IWishYouWould]

op, you have seen this in the right way. You're not hard work, he is simply the wrong man for you (and perhaps a lot of women with his behavior). There will be someone who will come into your life, who will want to be there for you and make you happy. Hold out for that man, not game players who may one day suddenly treat you right. Don't contact him any more. I wouldn't be surprised if once you stop, he is keen again and has an arm full of excuses to reel you back in. Stay strong and build up your confidence. Perhaps talk to a friend instead, your sister sounds like she will be abrupt rather than the emotional support you need.

[20000leagues]

Thank you iwish I have to face it now he has treated me poorly. Even if I had been the biggest pain in the arse the other night, and I probably was to be fair, he could have been man enough to a) put his arms round me and reassure me b) tell me it wasn't really working anymore

He is a weak character who has kept me dangling on a string now since Wednesday with just the odd message and wanting it all on his terms with no real regard for my feelings

[IWishYouWould]

yep, I agree with everything you said. He should have comforted you, held you and washed away all your worries. He didn't even turn over. He doesn't care. Time to move on and end his game. By doing it yourself now and not weeks down the line, (after chasing any glimmer of hope and feeling lower with each failed attempt) you can smile knowing you are in control of your life. no one else. Wake up tomorrow as single and all options open to you. Embrase all that you enjoy and smile. These are the things that will give you happiness and perhaps in time someone who shares those things too.

[livingzuid]

At the start of a relationship I'd expect a man to jump! And show keen. And reassure me that I'm loved and wanted and being a bit insecure is natural and OK given what you have been through and give me a bug hug. Real men will do that because they understand where you are coming from and will move heaven and earth to make you feel loved and special. They do exist.

This guy doesn't do that. I'm glad you have kicked him to the kerb. Save yourself for someone who will treat you the way you want. Sorry you are hurting though :(

[bunchoffives]

Just be prepared for the 'love' onslaught that is about to come your way OP. I predict a second wave of OTT attention and feelings when he realises that you've dumped him. And it will should confirm that he is the gobshite loser as described above. So far he is a total photofit. :(

[20000leagues]

I still find it hard to reconcile the person he was to me at the start and also even last weekend he still appeared to be "in" the relationship, if not verbally expressing how he felt, he was still arranging to see a show with me in January and planning Xmas.

Part of me thinks that its whenever I challenge him on something he behaves like this. I think he's terrified of getting hurt, lat time something similar happened and he backed off for a couple of days when he came back he talked a bit and said he realised he could get badly hurt again. Anyway I can't really live this way can i