I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

Let me see he sleeps in another bed to get sleep while you stay up feeding your babies and has the cheek to complain about lack of intimacy. I'm angry for you , what a horrible man, he expects you to do all that and still ' light up ' for him. I'd tell him to take his box of feelings and fuck right off.

'Living hell'.

God.
Words fail me.

How does he respond to, y'know, actual problems?

Oh dear..
I don't think I can add much to the advice here but my twopenneth worth is....

It's not your role ( or anyone's) to make someone else happy. People make themselves happy. A good relationships is the icing on the cake. If you see your role in life as trying to make someone happy you are on a hiding to nothing and will end up miserable.

Your DH comes across as selfish, with a huge sense of entitlement, and an emotional manipulator- he blames you for being unhappy.

The power to change this lies with him. From what you say, he puts nothing into the marriage except bringing home the bacon.

Your example about the meal is a good example of his twisted thinking- which if you cannot see it will tie you in knots. HE should have had the courtesy to come to the table. It's not a hotel you are running. You are not his servant.

All I see is a bottomless pit of selfishness- like running the bath tap without a plug in. The more you give the less effect it will have because he will never be satisfied. It's a form of cruelty, watching you try your hardest and then telling you it's not enough.

I suspect too that it is a pattern of behaviour. He gets bored in a relationship, can't cope with the mundane, can't reach out to make any effort himself, so he turns on the woman and tells her it's all her fault he's unhappy. In time this will become an excuse for an affair or withdrawing emotionally even more, but saying it's not his fault- he'll say he was pushed away or ' my wife didn't understand me'.

At the moment he is in martyr mood- ' I'm unhappy but I'll grit my teeth and carry on.'

This is emotional blackmail - he has lit the taper and is waiting for the bomb to explode - and enjoying your misery meanwhile.

Please end this marriage. he won't change without a huge amount of psychotherapy- or do I mean astrology?

You are worth so much more than this and I really hope you can see that.

God he sounds insufferable. No advice because I'd be busy braining him.

I think in your shoes I'd be tempted to go away for a long weekend and leave him to do everything - (and fgs don't cook before you go) - and then maybe the brainless idiot will realise how much you do. Hard if you're breastfeeding though..... Hm.

I think your marriage can absolutely be saved! This is a rough period w/ two small children, and you guys are still figuring out what it's like to be married w/ a family versus just having fun together.

This is very different from most relationship books, and the best out there IMO - www.amazon.co.uk/The-Relationships-Handbook-Simple-Satisfying/dp/0830638342/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1384852890&sr=8-2&keywords=relationships+handbook

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours. I know he has done some terrible things, but you can see some small openings that could be done on your behalf to improve the relationship, like more physical touch. Instead of waiting for him to be nice to touch him, touch him then see if he's nicer. :)

Cursive WTF? So she should put aside her upset and anger and just shag him and hope it improves his mood?

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours. I know he has done some terrible things, but you can see some small openings that could be done on your behalf to improve the relationship, like more physical touch. Instead of waiting for him to be nice to touch him, touch him then see if he's nicer

Christ almighty.

maybe wipe his arse as well?

Are you the husband?

Have you read any of the other posts?

What a complete load of shit in this post.

If you are a SAHM and your DH is working and earning plenty, yes, you must expect to be responsible for bringing up your DC, taking care of the house to a high standard and being available for him. Or else he will leave you (that is how the marriage market works) for someone who can do all that.

You are perfectly entitled to purchase help running your home and taking care of your DC.

Touch him? Oh yeah. I'd touch him.... I'd touch him GOOD.... upside the head... with a steam-iron....

Please flag up when you're being sarcastic Bonsoir....

Bonsoir I assume all of that was a joke and tongue in cheek.

OP, I do not reply to these threads as I feel very self-protective, but I had to reply to this one because I've been there, I spent 15 years trying to follow the tortuous spirals of ex-p's self-obsession and nothing I did, nothing was ever enough.

Do not put yourself through this.

Do not get to the stage where you find yourself apologising for not being supportive enough when he's upset because the girl he's having an affair with is treating him badly.

That's where I found myself. It took me long time to sort my head out after I finally left. I was pregnant with my second when I left and it was the best decision I ever made, despite the daunting circumstances.

Really really think about yourself and what will make you feel happy and calm in your own head and home. Because he isn't thinking about you at all, only about how you can make him feel better.

No, no joke. It's called economics and the law of supply and demand.

Your DH should thank his lucky stars he's not married to me, I think he'd find that worse than living hell! Fortunately my DH has somewhat lower expectations and seems perfectly happy.

But really - small children, still breastfeeding, of course you're not pandering to his every whim, and he's a fool for being all arsey about it. I'm in a similar stage to you, but my DH gets on with helping - comes home from work and gets stuck in to entertaining kids / cooking / washing up / doing chores. Etc. etc. I thought that was normal. I still do - it's your DH who's out of step.

He must have had a sad childhood because what he has never learned is that you receive love by giving it out. What goes around comes around blah blah....

He thinks it's up to another person to fill the 'emptiness' inside him. He needs to learn that this emptiness will only be filled by him, loving someone through his own actions.

But OP- it's not your role to teach him. Get out before you go mad.

Personal relationships are not a matter of economics or supply and demand they are a matter of compatibility.

My Dad started having affairs when I was 3 months old. Maybe I don't know how to look after a man! Maybe the fates haven't taught me that.

I dunno about "fates", but one thing you might well have learnt from your childhood is that women should be content with entitled wankers.

Do you really not see how much bollocks this "how to look after a man" stuff is? Men are just other adult human beings with different dangly bits. They're not some great prize to be kept in a cabinet and polished, or "overgrown kids" to be indulged and disciplined like actual kids. They're people.

I promise you, there isn't a big How To Look After Men cult the rest of us have been inducted into and you haven't been, there really isn't. We all just cook dinner, get through the day, try to have a bit of a chat given the opportunity, try to have sex as circumstances allow. I don't suppose many of us regularly buy presents for each other though and if any present I bought was met with this whiny "you don't understand meee" bollocks it would be the last present he'd ever get!

If you take nothing else from what's being said here, please take this one simple truth, because it's what he uses to control you. His premise is that your ability to "look after a man" is what's under discussion here. His premise is bullshit. There's no such thing as "looking after a man". There's "conducting a relationship with another human being", and that you're doing fine at - and it demands HIS input too. But he's not inputting, in fact he's currently sabotaging the relationship by keeping you dosed up with anxiety and self-criticism about how you aren't pleasing his majesty.

Of course they are a matter of economics. There would be much less divorce if people understood that better rather than thinking there was some sort of magic compatibility that didn't require them to use their brains to make their relationship work.

Your husband is saying he wants a relationship with his wife and you are saying you need more help with the children. You both need to find a way to communicate better. DH told me when ds was 12 months that he wanted to end our co sleeping with him. We had another adult in the house so sex outside the bedroom was not happening and our sex life ground to a halt. I said fine do long as he brought the baby in for feeds during the night, he agreed and I moved the cot. You can shuffle around arrangements and responsibilities to make more time for your relationship but only with 2 willing participants on board. Best of luck.

When I hear the phrase 'making a relationship work' I want to reach for my service revolver. The OP is trapped with this selfish man, not because she has no brains, but because idiot like you Bonsoir have convince her it's her responsibility to make silk purse out of a sow's ear.

That's because you are scared, Cogito.

May I suggest we ignore the More Blow Jobs crowd. It only starts unhelpful fights.

The OP is married and has two small DC and some posters are suggesting she should leave her DH for no good reason other than that the relationship is not fulfilling her DH's needs and he has the honesty to be clear about what those needs are.

Crazy.

you just don't really get him......

I don't think anyone really gets him. Not even himself, as he is a dissatisfied frustrated schmuck, but it can't possibly be his fault, it must be someone else's.

Tell him to grow the fuck up, the two options are not:

1. Him being a moody martyrish bastard, or
2. You leaving him.

There are other options like him trying not to put himself first, like him trying not to be the one who dictates the mood of the house, him being a provider and also being 100% engaged in family life.

By the sounds of things, he wants out but he wants you to be the bad guy and initiate divorce so that he can continue to be the martyr and not the cause of two failed marriages.

Please, plese tell him to grow the fuck up. You are not his domestic or se slave. He should be trying to please you, not simmering with resentment because he cannot cope with life and find happyness in the daily trivialities of family life.

He needs to really turn the mirror on himself.

Oh and I notice you cannot phychoanalyse him but it is perfectly acceptable for him to pschoanalyse you. Asshole.

Your husband wants you to take care of him. He wants you to be kind to him.

It seems to me you take really good care of him, and that you are kind to him. He just does not see it, it is not enough.

He is resentful of the love and time bestowed on his own children.

On the other hand, how does he take care of you? Where is he kind to you?

I would be very mindful going forward, and listen to what he is actually saying.

He has told you he longs for carefree and childfree days.

He is telling you he is unhappy, not sexually satisfied, and he is blaming you. You do know what he is paving the way for? He is setting you up as the bad guy. The woman who lost interest. He is rewriting your relationship as it happens.

He has told you that you need to take initiative to the actions you want to happen, after you have told him that you cannot live with his unhappiness. He is very manipulative is he not.