I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

Jesus Christ, are we in the land of ba ba ba ba man pleasers.

I think im just gonna become a crazy cat lady, rather look after cat than overgrown man toddler.

Yikes. He's really doing a number on you.

I was not going to say it, but think about it. Has he got any new female colleagues recently which makes him so badly want to be single?

I rarely comment on relationship threads but honestly your Dh is a total arse.

He is making your life a misery and playing the martyr so you will take the initiative and leave him. That's what he wants but he doesn't want to do it himself because he has figured out he will look like the absolute bastard he is for walking out on two families.
I have seen 2 good friends deal with situations similar to this. They pandered to these men and tried everything to make them happy so they would stay, dealing with years of misery as their husbands told them how unhappy they were, how it was all their wives fault, how they didn't understand them or their ishoos. These women were ground down by the misery and the constant battle trying to get their husbands to like them again. In the end the men left whenever another woman came along.

If I were you I would take the upper hand and say 'If you're so unhappy leave. If we can't carry on because of YOUR behaviour go'.

Don't engage with his speechifying and angsting. Just say 'If you're unhappy go' and turn on your heel. He won't like that.

I really really hope things turn out better for you but don't want you to waste any more head space trying to help figure this man out.

Another pov here. My DH has Asperger which makes it very difficult for him to put himself in someone else shoes. If he is engrossed in something, he will find it almost impossible to stop and do something else.

In the case of the dinner, he would have carried on with the program. BUT he would also have told me to eat wo him whilst the food was still hot. He would then have eaten and said thank you (and maybe that it was good if it really was lol). He would NOT have got upset because I hadn't wIted for him and would not expect anything like this from me.

There are times when it is OK to wait. Eg there is only 5mins left on the program and he is asking you if you can wait a bit. But not as in 'I the most important person here. You have to wAit on me regardless if what I do. ' incl if the program is running for another 15~20 mins. A very type is situation.

Also agree that happiness is found within. And if your partner is a playing a big part to it (because let's face it, a good relationship does help), then he should make as much effort as you do. But he doesn't does he? He wants you to make an effort and for him to carry on the same as if by being grumpy and putting you down, he was already doing you a big favour.

The OP is married and has two small DC and some posters are suggesting she should leave her DH for no good reason other than that the relationship is not fulfilling her DH's needs and he has the honesty to be clear about what those needs are.

And what about the OP's needs, or is she just the cook, clean and screw machine.

Why does a woman's happiness have so little worth?

Shall we just strive through and ensure everybodys needs are met, but our own? Are we worth so little? How about expecting that our husbands care for us, show us kindness and understanding, and hey, a little bit of respect and empathy too? Are we not worth it?

What a tosser he is.

Are people really defending this twat? Really?

"he has the honesty to be clear about what those needs are."

All he has been honest about is that she is useless, he loved previous lovers more than he loves her, that his life is a "living hell" because she doesn't serve him on bended knee, and that nothing she ever does will be good enough because she is deficient as a human being.

His "need" is to put her down and control her, and he's doing a pretty good job of it.

He's onto a good thing though, because there are enough idiots who genuinely believe that an unhappy man needs immediate tending to because his happiness is so unbelievably important, that women living with these areseholes are usually encouraged to stay and participate in their own abuse.

that women living with these areseholes are usually encouraged to stay and participate in their own abuse.

And then poisoning the childrens future relationships, with the same toxic bollocks.

"He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life."

Just tell him to fuck the fuck off. How dare he?

Please God my DS's never, ever, talk to their wives like this.

You have two very young children. His expectations are unbelievably unreasonable, unrealistic and immature.

Couples counselling to see if you can find a way to communicate your needs to each other. But as a last resort. He has a LOT of growing up to do.

Bonsoir may have a point, but the "market" he describes is not one that I operate in, nor thankfully my partner and it's not the one we're raising our children to operate in. We're in the loving, respectful relationship market.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to leave a marriage, when you have small children... but I agree with it potentially carrying on the cycle of abuse and unhappiness, in your children's life & relationships.

I also wonder (and yes, it's easy for me to say) why women marry some of these arseholes. I can't imagine they wake up one day & start being lazy, abusive, manipulative... there must be warning signs in the early days..?

I cannot see any signs of laziness or abuse on the part of the OP's DH.

What odd comments from you Bonsoir- sometimes your masters in economics leaves you detached from the real world at times.

In the early days there are no children, there is lots of excitement and self indulgence. People can be blinded by lust, excitement and mutual stroking of ego's. It's only when the daily grind kicks in that the blinkers come off.

I cannot see any signs of laziness or abuse on the part of the OP's DH.

Oh dear. That says an awful lot about you and how you operate perhaps.

If this is some silly devil's advocate game you are playing today, then give over- it's getting tedious.

I'm not remotely detached from the real world. On the contrary, I think that real life includes using your brain to work out your problems rather than walking away from them.

Yes Molly, presumably having had children previously this shouldn't have been such a surprise to this man.

Good God Bonsoir, what does 'be available for him' mean? Spread her legs whenever he demands it, because he earns the money?

The word you would be looking for there would be prostitute. If that's how you choose to describe yourself then you go ahead.

Really, Bonsoir?
I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else.
But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.
It is not the first time he has said something like this.

He goes to work. Big Deal.

Ah but Bonsoir, using your brain to work out your problems may result in walking away. Using your brain doesn't mean you choose to stay- does it?

Look, if the OP wants her DH to leave her, fine. She is on that path. If that suits her, all well and good.

Bonsoir if you are treating this thread as some kind of game to provoke then please stop. This is a real person you are talking about.

Maybe you can offer some constructive comments instead of economic theories and platitudes?