I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

He sounds a right passive aggressive tosser. Is he withdrawing and blaming you for his withdrawal because he is shagging someone else?

Is never ceases to amaze me that these men treat their partners like domestic slaves and then expect them to be wiling and eager sex partners.

Any intelligent person knows that their needs have to be put on the back burner for the few years while you are raising small helpless babies to thrive. Then, guess what? The babies grow up a bit and you can start to think of yourself again. For fucks sake, whynhavechildren at all if you can't put them first for a few short years out of your life. Your DH needs to fucking man up or piss off.

ugh. Poor him eh

ugh. Sorry, finding it hard to get past how repulsive he sounds. You may love him and me calling him repulsive may hurt - but, honestly! Poor, pity him eh, sitting about on his backside, doing precisely zero and expecting you to be his mommy, nursemaid, domestic slave, counsellor, servicing his sexual needs - or wants.

Where does he get the idea that time hasn't moved on since 60-odd years ago? What are his parents like? Does his mum service his dad's needs down to the nth degree?

Dry your tears. He simply isn't worth any tears. Put him on the naughty step until he learns that life isnt all about him and what he wants and what, the poor lamb, he's not getting because of what a 'disappointment' you are.

Ugh

He is a manipulative shite.

He is criticising you to make you feel insecure and on edge, so he is the one in control of the relationship.

To say all of those things and refuse you any voice, refuse to attempt to fix anything, but make the (fake) decision to "put it back in a box" is very calculated.

He gets to play the fucking martyr while you feel insecure and desperate to please him.

Meanwhile, I suspect a PP was right about what he feels entitled to do when you are not around - he's basically justified taking a lover who gives him the attention he needs and who makes him happy like previous lovers have.

But you will do as the wife and skivvy.

Just get rid of him.

No counselling, no talking.

When you are dealing with this level of manipulation and game playing, the only response is to CALL HIS BLUFF.

Tell him to take his fucking box of self-pity elsewhere, the problem is not with your inadequacy but with his failure to be a decent husband and father.

He is a fucking arse.

You would be better off without him.

So he wants a domestic appliance AND a sex toy?! What a catch.

It's not your job to make him happy, he is responsible for his own happyness. He sounds like a spoilt brat.

All of his previous relationships were self ceentered and didn't involve the stresses of child rearing. If he went back to those ex-girlfriends and had children with them his selfish unhappyness would return.

And what is HE doing about it???

So sorry for you OP, you need his support not criticism/whingeing ....

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of YOURS are being met here by him?.

The respondent (think it was twinklestein) who wrote that there is something missing in HIM is dead right but chooses instead to blame you for his inadequecies.

I would not enter into joint counselling with him as he will use those sessions to pour further scorn and blame upon you.

Think about what you are teaching your children about relationships here; do they really deserve such a frankly awful male role model in their lives?. You certainly do not warrant such an awful man in your life, how dare he give you all the blame for what he is really like at heart i.e selfish and self absorbed. It is more than okay not to seek the approval any longer of such a selfish man, not that he would ever give this to you anyway.

I struggle with stories like this.
It sounds like he is miserable and is taking it out in you.
This makes him a terrible person why?
We all do that.
If you are giving everything to the kids and nothing to him how is he supposed to feel relevant to your family.
So he is saying that he is unhappy and telling you why, are you being honest with him and telling him what he is doing that bothers you.
Kids are not there forever, eventually they will grow up and move out, you will only have each other then.
Find some time for each other, otherwise what is the point.
I am sure there are plenty on here who feel that expecting affection and love from your partner is terrible and selfish but if it were me and I was not getting any of that I would be feeling taken for granted.
If you don't love him then don't waste anymore of either of your time.

Perhaps you would like to take this misunderstood soul on, queen ?

he has one foot out the door where op is concerned, so it shouldn't be too long before he looks for another soft landing (if he hasn't got one already, which sounds likely)

He's not being honest at all. Saying 'I've been in happier relationships' calling it a 'living hell' and retreating to his single bed every night is emotional blackmail, not an honest expression of unhappiness. If he wanted to say that he missed being close to the OP as a couple and wanted to help out more with the house and DCs and make more space in their lives to be a couple, that would be honest.

I don't know you but I feel so angry for you OP! He chose to have two children, who you devote your time to looking after!

My Mum and Dad had four kids, Dad worked a manual, tiring job but was always helping my Mum and up early with us. My own DD lost her Dad who would have done anything in the world for her and would cherish night feeds as another precious moment with his daughter.

He needs to man up of fuck off. Once he sorts his attitude out you can think about taking his concerns of intimacy etc seriously, but it is NOT your fault!

You've married a selfish passive-aggressive manchild who thinks you are a domestic appliance. He will suck all the joy out of your life if you let him. And please don't allow him to use you as a sex doll just to keep him happy - if you don't feel like being intimate with somebody who makes you feel like crap, then don't.

Sorry to be predictable, but I would leave/kick him out. You've got two daughters who don't need to be taught that their function in life is to please a self-centred man.

If he's such a great provider, ask him t oprovide home help, then yoi have a chance not being exhausted all the time! He should have suggested this ages ago if he is not helping himself at home. TBH I can't see any other solution if you want o stay together, and it's not a difficult one to try.

at home himself, that is.

I was once with a selfish arsehole like your husband who expected me to morph into his idea of the Perfect Woman, thus saving our relationship (because of course, it had nothing to do with his own inadequacies). I bent over backwards at the cost of my self-esteem and sanity.

He still left me for someone else.

What he's saying to you sounds emotionally abusive to me - he's not happy with your behaviour or the relationship (because his behaviour in the relationship is clearly beyond reproach ) but he doesn't want to leave.

IMHO either it's good enough - in which case he stays and works on things together to make them even better, or it's not, in which case he leaves.

Good luck OP - I think dumping all this on you when you have two young children to care for (hopefully together) is crap of him.

Relationships are give and take and both parties have to work to keep it a happy medium (you're not giving the affection because he's giving you a hard time physically by not helping and emotionally by making you feel bad)
That being said you shouldn't have to change to please a man, if he really loved and valued you as his wife and as a person he should be happy with the way you are and if there are issues these would be discussed in a mature way and not laying all the blame at your feet

Agree, he isn't just being a knob... He's emotionally abusing you.

See a counsellor... tell them what he's like & I'm sure they'd say the same.

It doesn't sound like you do everything. He does some of the childcare and all of the providing. Just sayin'...........

Communication is key, although I am sure you know this. Some sort of arbitrary counselling would help. I like one of the other poster's suggestions about writing a letter. It would definitely be a good conversation starter. His manner does sound a bit passive aggressive/defensive so this needs to be overcome of course.

Hmm,

Announce that you take his concerns very seriously and you are going to go away for the weekend, from Friday night to Monday morning on your own to have a long think about what he has said, because his happiness is so important to you.

Make sure he doesn't palm the kids off on anyone else. Get friends and relatives on side so they are busy that weekend. he has to do it all himself.

Come home and ask him how tiring it was, how constant it was, how little there was left of his energy and sense of self by the end of Monday. Ask if he can now see, at all, why you are less able to put his needs first.

Then take him away for a weekend without Dc and show him how easy it is for the two of you to have a good time when there are no other calls on your time. Explain his previous relationships were 'better' because he didn't have to share them with children.

Some men need to be taught how to grow up and take family life in an adult way. I'd give it a shot at teaching him first, before showing him the door.

Also, maybe let him know that you feel similar. He has so deeply disappointed you with his inability to man up and shoulder responsibility for the shift in your relationship towards family life. His narcissism seems so teenage and you too have looked back lovingly on previous relationships and wondered if those men would be maturer, better family men. Ask him how it feels to be judged and found wanting in this tough time of readjustment in all your lives. Sounds like he needs very clear, blunt wake up calls.

I think his suitcase on the lawn would focus his mind far more effectively, personally. Game playing and having to teach a bloke how to be a decent partner and father ?...fuck that.

Game playing and having to teach a bloke how to be a decent partner and father ?...fuck that.

This.

You can't polish a turd. The onus is mostly on women to 'work at' relationships, even if the other person is abusive. Instead of wasting your precious energy fighting a losing battle into trying to please him, focus on you and your children, counselling for yourself probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

I'd just reiterate what everyone says above but esp The FabIdiot
with this:

He wants more sex.
You want more equality.
Tell him that men who do fuck all to help in the house and with childcare tend to get less sex because their wives/partners are too tired.

Also you aren't responsible for his happiness - it does seem like he's adding that to your "to-do" list too!

OP are you still around?
Hope we haven't scared you off..,,