I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

You've done nothing wrong. My XH left me on my own with a 2yr old and 3 wk old baby. He was having an affair with someone much younger. - I still think to this day he couldn't handle not being number 1 anymore, he suddenly realised he was an adult, a father, too many responsibilities, found someone younger, more fun, sex on tap, without a child on one go and have in arms..... I think a lot of men struggle with the adjustment. You're better off without someone childish and selfish like this. Good luck!

You shouldn't have to shove boulders uphill on a daily basis just to have the bare minimum acceptable from your life

This hit home. Whenever my counsellor refers to my relationship as lovely or warm or whatever... I just keep saying 'it was hard' . It shouldn't be. What a lot of wasted time.

Good luck OP, still reading, your DDs will be so much better with a lovely happy mummy

Hi dreamy - I lurked on this thread before but was actually thinking about you yesterday. Are you ok?

Yes, how are you?

Hi :) I am alright. Stronger in myself and sort of waiting and watching. Counsellor has really helped me to see where my hurts are (ill as a baby and then went to boarding shool). This has helped me to consciously let angels (my choice) hold those parts of me when Dh says stuff and have not been finding things as upsetting. More able to see where he is stuck and respond in the moment in a adult woman way.

. Christmas was great in parts. Spent the day with my family which was lovely. Dh has had man flu for a couple of weeks, but being respectful... Ish. Had good effect from d1 behaving much better at table with in-laws thanks to my prepping her then rewarding than from dh's strictness that just got her rebelling. He did acknowledge that and that my way worked better. To the extent that his rather smart farther said what a good job I was doing which was genuine of him and good for Dh to hear! He is still trying to gee me up and impress apon me where I could be more organised/tidy/efficient. Some parts of me feeling a softer response entering as I feel more powerful and organised from my own meditation and planning.

Been meditating every morning (with dds crawling around, bouncing toys on my head) but that has really helped. I feel I am strengthening my relationship with my guidance and sense of my own future and girls future. Have arranged to start group with 3 v cool ladies to meet and connect, even tune in together for support and healing. Had amazin dream last night of my guiding a woman stuck in a house, out through a series of canals to freedom, but also of financial overdrawn ness.

Really trying to stop thinking or worrying about dh and focus on what I need to do next year whatever happens, like what the girls need, bits of paid work I can do... That feels good.

Anyway, that's the plus side. On the down side we r totally skint this year so I don't know how I'm going to get dh into the counselling I'd like (it's quite expensive). Have seen dh making commitment to some things, but not to looking at those places of causes narcissism, self centred-ness and associated meanness. So I am just going to keep watching and hoping I'll know what to do when the time is right.

Gosh, it seems one sided, how r u ladies?!

So many good wishes for your New Years and families :)

Xxxx

And as much as I'm trying to be positive he still does put down comments a lot and is quite tough on d1. I'm not sure where the boundaries are. She doesn't really want to go for walks with him without me and meal times r tricky. She will eat fine if u don't make a fuss, but when he tells her to eat in a stern way she won't and cries.

I read your thread when you first started it but then lost track of where you were up to, so apologies if i have missed something.

As someone who has recently been through it, I understand it can take a long time to realise you have to leave, I really do.

But as your daughter is being so clearly effected by this man, are you get any closer to that realisation? Fair enough I suppose if you want to meditate your way through this but what's going to help your DD?

I hope that doesn't sound harsh but my heart just went out to her. Your support groups and meditation isn't doing her any good, she needs you to take action

What Ellie said. Please put your DCs first. How sad that he makes her cry like that :(