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Original poster

I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

508 replies

DreamyParentoid · 18/11/2013 10:12

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

OP posts:
TotallyBursar · 19/11/2013 01:19

And you honestly don't see where he was leading you with that bollocks?

Protect your assets, seriously, gather your wits here and get in the best position you can. Box clever lovely, he's setting you right up.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

We all have our issues, I'm sure you do have yours, that's something you can explore in safety with your counsellor - but that up there ^^ they aren't yours.

Sadly one lesson we sometimes have to learn is about specialness and that the strength of our own feelings does not affect the actions of another. No matter how hard you want it to be different, you are not the special one who can be enough to stop him cutting and running right into waiting arms. Because you have no control of his autonomy and he has not dealt with the reasons for his previous behaviour. Because it is him, not you.
He wants your permission. And he's out to get it in a well practiced, spiteful way designed to milk as much as he can on the way out. He's going to wreck your head and cheat anyway...the only difference is he might get you obedient enough to let him stay while he does it.

If you could read his mind, I'm willing to bet what you saw would have him divorced quicker than shit off a shovel.
You can't do anything just by force of will and being a different person, as a couple and hard individual work you may do. Get him to do that for you - go to counseling on his own, if he does and he doesn't come home and say the counselor agrees it's all you then yoummight have somewhere to go with things that make you both happy.

FluffyJumper · 19/11/2013 01:25

I took 'you take the initiative then' as him suggesting that you be the one to end it since that's not what you want.

TotallyBursar · 19/11/2013 01:37

Quite Fluffy.

He wants out. But doesn't want to be the bastard (in his head, he is in reality already being one) because in his carefully constructed self assessment he is totally justified and you are being prodded to give him what he needs to fool himself.
Because you just didn't love him enough to change...oh wait...

Vivacia · 19/11/2013 02:20

fellows pretty much gave my reaction to your post too.

As for this, but your husband also needs a wife and the attention that goes with it. They are just big kids too! WTAF? If he has needs he should express them. In the meantime there are people who need him to be a father and a husband. An adult. Enough of this "big kid" nonsense.

Preciousbane · 19/11/2013 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnagging · 19/11/2013 02:49

You put it perfectly yourself op. 'I would be better if he was nicer to me'. Says it all really & explains why you'd be happier and better off by yourself.

perfectstorm · 19/11/2013 04:04

You made a delicious dinner, and he didn't want to stop watching the telly to come and eat it? Bloody hell. In this house, that's rude. Does he not have any means of pausing/recording said programme? Yet his reaction is that he's hard done by and neglected and you don't know how to care for a man because you didn't bring it to his lap?

Christ on toast. DH would have been chuffed to bits with a home cooked meal with a 9 month old and a 2 year old in the house. He'd have done the dishwasher after, and bathed the kids while I made it. That's NORMAL.

I said about maybe this is a pattern of his and he said that I loved psychoanalysing him and that was like astrology but that wasn't the same as intimacy and really knowing someone.

Translation: I'm special, I am. You have no idea how special. I'm a little prince and you don't love me, understand me, or care how much my haemmorhoids hurt. Woe, for I am a unique snowflake left adrift in the dust!

I was all set to say counselling, don't make any hasty decisions, yes he's being an arse but maybe he just needs realiy spelled out to him... and then your two latest updates. He has a huge problem with entitlement, and an absolute belief that it's the job of the women in his life to service him and all else should be secondary. And it sounds like he's furious when the kids he helps create actually have needs as well. Ones they, unlike him, can't meet themselves.

What sort of terms are you all on with the ex and the other kids? I'd love to hear her side of what went on.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 19/11/2013 06:56

it's been a while since I have read such a pile of steaming bullshit

how can you look him in the eye and respect him ?

unfortunately you seem to lap it up, so it would appear that we are the ones wasting our time trying to get through to you what a monumental mistake you are making to continue to attempt to please this man

glastocat · 19/11/2013 07:04

What an absolute knob jockey your husband is. If he had come out with that steaming pile of horseshit to me I'd have laughed in his face! He's done a total number on you, stop dancing to his tune, take the initiative as requested, and tell him to fuck off.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 19/11/2013 07:20

Hi OP

does he see or support his other kids?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2013 07:26

'Take the initiative' is what we used to call as kids... 'a dare'. He's taking a calculated gamble that you won't do anything assertive or decisive but will carry on wringing your hands about how you can't please a man. Sadly, I think it'll work and then the power-balance will be even more in his favour. He opened the cage door and you chose to stay.....

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 07:33

You do realise that when you cut through all his crap his complaint about the food was that you did not serve him

As in don your pinny and bring it to him on bended knee

(if you're on your knees it's easier to kiss his feet)

He's really manipulative and you just can't see it.

akawisey · 19/11/2013 07:33

Knit him a nice cosy jumper for Christmas OP. One with

Rudolph says fuck you, arsehole on the front. In big letters.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 19/11/2013 07:36

Wow what some first class horse shit that man has fed you, and your fucking buying that.

Dreamy, believe it or not, a womans purpose on this damn planet is not to make a man happy.

When kids are around, the parents, BOTH of them, naturally take a back seat, its what happens.

If his last relationships were so damn perfect then tell him to fuck off back to them, but they wont want him, because hes a selfish arsehole, and they are probably thinking the hit the jackpot when you came along.

Expect him to cheat, because he will, and yes he will everything on you, and you will probably believe him. More fool you.

Bitofkipper · 19/11/2013 07:43

He sounds somewhat pompous. How do you keep a straight face?

cindyrella · 19/11/2013 08:42

Oh my God. Love, theres some great advice on here...please take it! He sounds like a grade a manipulative pompous dickwad who is setting you up to take blame for his future fuckups ie affairs.

Just wanted to repeat what someone else has said. Normal is coming home, making a beeline to HIS kids, doing bath or something because he wants to be involved, being grateful for dinner. If my dp behaved like that, he'd be wearing his dinner. But he would never...because he is a normal man.

You arent seeing him clearly. Take a step back. You sound like a great mum & he should be proud of that, not resentful. Seriously.

cindyrella · 19/11/2013 08:44

Oh...and the man your husband is teaches your daughters how they should expect to be treated by men in the future. Just sayin.

BadLad · 19/11/2013 08:47

You cook dinner for him and he says you don't know how to be kind to him.

Unbelievable. If anyone cooks for me, I am extremely grateful because I hate doing it, inevitably they do it better than I can, and I just appreciate it because it's a nice thing for them to have done.

Most people - normal people - appreciate it.

It's a bit sad that he's managing to convince you that somehow your cooking for him was inadequate in some way.

If you gave him a lift, he'd probably moan about feeling unloved unless you carried him to the car and lifted him in.

Actually scrub that. He'd still find a way to make it your fault.

He's up there with the most spoilt, entitled people I've read about on here.

Lweji · 19/11/2013 08:51

For now, I'd take the initiative of concentrating on the children and myself, leave his stuff (food, clothes, cleaning of his bedroom, assign a bathroom for him if possible), and seek legal advice.
Answer all his criticism with something like a "oh, really?" and a smile. And agree that you don't care enough for him and maybe ge should be registering in an adoption agency to find a mother, rather than marry and start his own family.
In your time you will see through the crap with more detachment and serve him the divorce papers.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 19/11/2013 08:52

He is a wanker. Seriously tell him to F off and move on with your life.

RevelsRoulette · 19/11/2013 08:56

Indeed, BadLad.

Last night, when I made dinner. I yelled "Dinner's ready" and was almost trampled in the stampede Grin

Everyone piled their plates. My husband came back about FIVE MINUTES LATER! for another plateful. He said how delicious it was and he ate till he burst Grin then he listened politely while I told him what was in it and how I'd cooked it (I know, but I'd barely spoken to anyone all day and besides, I like praise Blush )

Then he said again that it was delicious.

Then he made me a cup of tea, loaded the dishwasher and went to watch the news, before coming down and listening to the kids tell us why they didn't need to do their homework Grin

He's not the best guy in the world! We've all got our faults! But that's how a normal person behaves a) when someone cooks for them and b) when they are part of a family.

I am not saying that as some sort of ridiculous boast but to show you the difference between what you have and what people outside of your situation know to be normal. Because when you are in a situation, it becomes your normal and you can't see outside of it.

Lancelottie · 19/11/2013 09:00

Oh bloody grrr for you.

DH tries this whingy shit sometimes. Last one I remember was 'YOU go and do something with DS! Why is it always me?'

When the steam had stopped coming out of my ears I reminded him that I had given up a decent job for a crap one to be at home with DS (who has special needs) Every Bloody Afternoon for the past 13 years.

He took the point.

Ahem. Sorry, DH, I do love you, you unthinking bastard, you.

bragmatic · 19/11/2013 09:06

If you take the initiative, and try harder, you'll still not 'get' him. Ergo, it'll be your fault. Or, you'll see right through his PA crap and leave, and it'll be your fault. Or, you'll be paralysed with indecision and things will remain the same and it'll be your fault.

Does anyone else see a pattern?

WTF is HE going to do? Apart from blame you?

comemulledwinewithmoi · 19/11/2013 09:11

We had fish pie too last night which I made. Dh hardly gets in the door before I thrust the baby at him, along with 3dds bouncing all over him. Poor guy shoves his dinner down and gets on with child care.

Lancelottie · 19/11/2013 09:13

OP, sounds like you would make many men very happy indeed, just not this one.