Ok! Lovely supper. Nice effort from husband. I responded by talking interestedly about news stories, stuff he is interested in.
But was going to say, while friend was here having supper he came home, went to watch news and managed some comments about how d1 wasn't doing what she was told because she didn't want to come to table with friends. I was finding it difficult because I hadn't actually had a moment where she didn't want to come to table before and I was negotiating rather than picking her up and plonking her at table. I ended up saying she couldn't watch tv later if she didn't come now. She did come later, when the other kids had got down ( she had said she didn't want to come when they where there) she came and ate. I confirmed that it was great that she had eaten, but she still couldn't watch tv cos she didn't come when I'd asked. So making it clear that that's what I'd expect next time. She said she understood. Geeze, I am learning but not perfect.
Dh and I later debated about how I was dealing with it. Saying I should jut make her do it. That i am making her spoilt. i was more pleased with myself for actually standing my ground for my way of doing things. It's frustrating for him as he wants me to be old school disciplined and thinks that I should do things like just shut the door and let them cry at night. He might be right in some way, but I'm not like that, though clearly developing boundaries is the order of the day. I'm telling u all of this because I am interested in your feedback. I do want the best for each member of this family and if u can see into how to improve things that is all good.
Anyway, in response to other posts:
loupylous comments unclear of boundaries and acceptable behaviour in relationships. Yup. I really think that's true.
Many good relationships before this? Two. But only one serious one at university and afterwards. Took me 5 years to sort having left that. Felt guilty about leaving, bu didn't want his children. We were good though, jolly sex life too ;)
How did I end up here? Met. He just felt like the only man I'd ever wanted to have children with. Yes he was difficult but brilliant. I was nieve. Attracted to his wonderful waybwith things. he is great with the house, work, old friends, literature. Very bright and interesting. older. I think i did know in a way, but in another I didn't really get it. Or actually was stupefied by situation. How did I marry him? He is amazing as well as everything else and i thought... Didn't really act on my doubts. Was teacher training. Felt like we were meant to be together. Couldn't listen to part of internal guidance that said u don't have to do this. In denail about places he didn't / couldn't see me. Low self confidence, thought he was better than me, that if only I could ... Then ...
Married for 4.5 yrs, known for 7. Was I a rebound? Yes, probably, but not from first wife, from another 8 year relationship. But that wasn't clear at time. Did he have time to think why they all didn't work? No, clearly didnt want to. Totally in denial, and since I've spoken to first wife, he has not understood what he did wrong. Tell tale signs? In hindsight yes. Annoyingly. Stupidly.
More power to u ormiran
Wow lurciolovesfrankie! The stepford wife Disney dad reflection is a strong one, very helpful to see the joke, rather than suffer inwardly about being it!
Word factory, I am beginning to get it :) The women who have good marriages wouldn't put up with crap but that can be from having reinforced the boundaries at various points. As well as having married different men...
Bonsoir, up until now I've thought I understood and a little respected ur posts. But u have missed something. To think I am not taking my marriage seriously is simply not true. I would be genuinely interested for you to spell out what using my brain and working on it really means. I, despite all the advice to just get out, would like to sort this out. But I have to get real that I am dealing with someone who is addictive and partly to having to be the best person in the room. I don't believe I can save it without having the strength to be willing to put it very seriously on the line for him to wake up. And I recognise that he may not ... And then i have to follow through with actions of leaving when he does cross those lines because it is not ok for my girls to have this as role model of how a woman should be treated!
What do u mean by work at it?
To clarify housework, I am doing the house work, all of the washing up and laundry. We do have an amazing cleaner once a week. Dh does cook and shop sometimes. I'm just not brilliant at being tidy. Some people are. He is on mu case about it as he woild like all things put away once used. i do ok. We have a fair amount of guests. I'm a professional and my mother was too, the skills of household service do not run in my viens, though I am trying bloody hard. I do find putting things away endlessly a bore. You sound like a woman of a clear and organised mind. I can be like that when I'm being respected, but when but critiqued a lot i start to waiver and feel depressed, which doesn't lend itself to making a beautiful space. I do aspire to it though, I want that kind of space for my girls for its value for their minds as well as for dh. Am currently decorating playroom, cushions etc.
But you say ur partner is up for talking about your plans together. Mine isn't quite like that. But then I do want to talk about stuff like my dreams and feelings naturally where he wants to talk about current affairs and exciting science discoveries. Someof these difference are straight forward male female things. I am sometimes aghast at my own inability to say something interesting to him, but that is partly because he has told me nothing I say interests him and he doesn't want to hear about what the children have done today. I do feel for him, but maybe thats not helping me :) cos i can try, but yet I can't be that person right now ur to the stress if dealing with relationship. Would much prefer to have free time to think about creativity and global eco news.
Anyway, have spent so log writing this eve, might stop.
Thank u all again. I really value this thread. Hats off to u all :)