I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

'he has told me nothing I say interests him and he doesn't want to hear about what the children have done today'

Your basically his, domestic slave, blow up doll and nanny.

He doesnt treat you like his wife, just an employee.

Yy twinkle stein

When I was in a bad relationship (and this is one, be under no illusion and through no fault on your behalf I imagine, you have the ex wifes testimony FFS, not many people get that!) I thought about my parents and how my Mum gave birth to me and the effort of raising me and all their doting and devotion to me for all those years and I realised that I had not been put on this earth and raised by my loving parents to be treated so badly. I don't know if it helps but it was a little moment of clarity that came to me a short while before I used his toothbrush to clean under the rim and close the door behind me.

So I will respond to individual posts in a mo, but I just have to start by saying I spoke to dh's x wife this morning! Very interesting! We have a good relationship because I look after her girls and that's all cool. I told her that I was having a tough time and she told me what it had been like for her. Pretty much exactly the same. Same put-downs, lack of support and self absorption. Reducing her to puddles, expecting more from her than she could actually do. She said it took her years to get her self confidence back together. She was very supportive. And said if had regrets it was that she didnt stand up to him and that when he was so awful that she left the house, that she hadnt kicked him out instead.

I think that tells you all you need to know, really. This is who he is, what he expects and how he sees a woman. As there to serve and service.

And your methods of disciplining your child teach self-regulation, because you're teaching, calmly and consistently, that actions have consequences and making good choices means avoiding consequences you don't want. Shame nobody taught her father that, hey? As for shutting the door on a 9 month old and 2 year old and letting them sob - I'm sorry, this is a man who feels emotionally neglected because you expect him to walk a few feet to collect the delicious home cooked supper you made him? Yet small children and babies should never have their needs met, lest it spoil them and remove valuable husband-pandering time? I think you know how ludicrous that is.

Incidentally, I showed my DH this thread - read out your posts, anyway - and he said it sounded miserable. No marriage at all. And not just because of the way he speaks to you, but what he wants from you. DH commented that he basically wants a Surrendered Wife (which is my own husband's nightmare, because actually he really likes the whole, you know, equal companionship, in it together, mutual nurture, best friend aspect to being married. AKA, in this house anyway, as "the point"). He said he didn't see you as his life's partner, more his primary employee, and that wasn't going to be easy to move into a more normal dynamic. He had no advice on what to do as he doesn't do advice, but I thought it was an interesting observation. He thought the marriage sounded empty for a bloke, all right, but he thought your husband was looking at the wrong person in wondering why a relationship which is all about his own needs isn't as mutually exciting as he wants.

I personally also think it's telling he married a woman so young she was still a fulltime student, who to an extent hero-worshipped and perhaps deferred to him? And now you have kids to be responsible for, you've grown up. You have neither time to do that nor the immaturity to see him through that golden haze in quite the same way.

Can you think of any childcare arrangements you would be happy with, if you went back to work when your baby is a year? I do think independence and a sense of personal achievement, as opposed to being his minion, might do wonders, and you sound like you (mostly) love the childcare but hate the housework - like me, actually.

OP, the more you tell us, the more convinced I become that there is little you can do to preserve your marriage.

Please don't mistake me. I am not a LTB accolyte. I have been with my DH for twenty years, married for sixteen. Deeply wedded to marriage . I was also a solictor for many years and saw, daily, what damage divorce can do!

However, the sad fact is, your DH is a complete arse.

He will sleep in your bed.
He will not help around the house.
He finds everything you say dull.

What is to be done with that?

There are some people in this life who are convinced of their own superiority. Everyone else is a disappointment. Consequently they are very unhappy and often move from job to job or place to place or partner to partner. It's never their fault.

And please don't let him fool you into thinking it's because he is so intelligent and successful. I know many many uber successful, inteligent people and plenty wear it very lightly. Though your DH is in good company amongst the French, who are not well known for their lightness. The grandes ecoles take themselves super seriously .

Really offensive posts Bonsoir. Perhaps take a closer look at your own life before you suggest the OP is 'bone idle'.

Dreamy, well done. You sound empowered and I think you will make positive choices.

DreamyParentoid - when I read your description of the differences in parenting and tastes between you and your H, I have a huge feeling of déjà vu. I have seen so many French man/English woman marriages with the same gulf to bridge. I hardly know where to begin, but believe me, you are not alone!!!

Ah Bonsoir seems to be of the ' I need a man at all costs ' variety.
OP you don't sound lazy and incompetent you sound like any other mother of small children, I've just spent the night with 2 babies between my husband and I and my house looks like a bomb has went off.
He sounds very cruel OP you need suppor at this time in your life not further criticism .
Even if you don't leave , please find the courage to stand up to him and make it known to him that you are both equals in your relationship and you aren't there to service his needs like an employee.

You must have a very narrow conception of the world to believe that 'cultural differences' between English and French are really relevant.
Two neighbouring/Western countries with a Judeo-Christian tradition. You live in some kind of crazy stereotypes' land.

Op you are really great and a role model on how to try to address a difficult situation without victimising yourself.
I am learning a lot.

I think you have to be very inexperienced and naive to think that cultural differences do not exist and do not both attract people to marry one another and also throw up massive challenges to a harmonious family life.

I am surrounded, and have been surrounded all my life, by mixed couples. So have quite a bit of experience.

I am Spanish married to someone from South East Asia. This is not the first time I have a long-term relationship with a foreigner. I have lived in a few countries too. Not sure about your credentials on parenting, commenting about all French/English relationships and the roles of husbands and wives.

And Yes, I believe that cultural differences between a Londoner and a Parisian can be smaller than between someone from Derry and London. Or between someone from Norway and Morocco. Your opinions are just that. Opinions.

I'm English and I've lived in France for nearly 22 years (with a few short breaks). My DP is French. I spoke French and had many French friends before coming to live in France as I lived in another French-speaking environment as a teenager. My sister's DH is French. I have two English cousins married to French women. We all have children and we have all confronted the parenting challenges of Franco-British families - with more or less success.

Before my DP I had partners from other countries - Germany, Colombia, Italy - so had practiced getting to grips with other cultures. I have friends from all the world here and the cultural challenges of mixed family are a recurrent theme in everyone's lives.

Bonsoir, is it a cultural difference that is causing the DH to say that nothing his wife says interests him?

Yes. They probably have nothing at all in common. There is a certain sort of humanities-educated English woman who is very attracted to a certain sort of science-educated French man, and vice versa. Once the initial attraction has worn off they have practically nothing in common (this is due to educational issues - it is very useful - indispensable - to understand the French education system to get to grips with this) and unless each one is prepared to go through one another's school system and install an additional programme in their brains (so they both have one another's) they will not be able to communicate.

I still think you have no clue about 'real' cultural differences. My family comes from rural environments and think that the persons from next village are different. They are probably right. You have sticked to white men from same religious tradition, from the most part (except your Colombian adventure) coming from Western European countries.

Nothing about culture is relevant to this post. I don't know what you are speaking about all this time. As said earlier on you seem to be in great need of attention throwing controversial, irrelevant statements all over a thread that has nothing to do with cultures or gender roles.

By the was... at the risk of outing myself completely, I was born in France, where I lived quite a few years

It might be helpful to have this conversation elsewhere. Other people who don't read this thread might be interested and not see it otherwise and in the meantime it leaves the thread for OP's support and she still seems very much active on the thread.

You are right Vivacia. Apologies Dreamy

I think you beyond wrong, camaleon, to think that cultural differences and gender roles that, crucially, can be depersonalised, are not at the heart of the OP's issues in her marriage/parenting challenges.

Fair point, Vivacia.

Maybe all he needs for stimulating company is a mirror propped up so he can admire himself.

Stick to your guns Dreamy you spend more time with the DCs than he does so apply your common sense and intuition and don't be made to feel inadequate.