Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

508 replies

DreamyParentoid · 18/11/2013 10:12

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

OP posts:
Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 13:33

Bonsoir do you have children?
Have you looked after 2 children under 2 years old? Without help? (not all families can afford a cleaner.)

I can only think you are bored ( and you ought to do more housework or preening ready for your partner to come home) and making mischief on this thread because anyone with half a brain wouldn't write the things you do.

BoosterBondageSapphire · 21/11/2013 13:34

Bonsoir Did you stop to think that the OP may struggle with the day to day running the household because her valuable head space is being taken up by worrying if she is a good enough partner? OP has had her head filled with nonsense from a man who shows the emotional maturity of a sack cloth bag.

Perhaps you could be his 3rd wife? You sound well suited.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/11/2013 13:35

And how does "read my mind and bring me dinner" factor in with you?

I guess the OP should automatically know and serve it to him on his big golden throne, instead of the lazy bastard actually saying "Can you bring it in please" and OP kindly does it because she was asked politely.

wordfactory · 21/11/2013 13:35

And men do leave their wives who keep their homes immaculate.

And men do leave their wives who still look sexy and shower their menfolk with love and attention.

Every Day OF The Week.

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 13:36

I have children, I have no help whatsoever and I am perfectly able to manage to do many things in my day, inside and outside the home. Keeping my home clean and tidy and my DC properly fed is the very least of them. My friends are like me: busy and competent. I also know lazy and incompetent women and their families and relationships tend to be somewhat stressed and stressful and often disintegrate. Little children are not an excuse to fester.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/11/2013 13:39

Bonsoir, theres a saying.....

"The Higher you go, the further you fall"

Must be pretty high up on your high horse.

Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 13:40

Bonsoir- how many children do you have and what ages are they?

This isn't a thread about housework and how not doing it or even doing it causes a relationship breakdown.

I don't think the OP's DH has complained about the lack of housekeeping. I don't know why you have latched onto this.

You are being provocative Bonsoir and I can't believe you are serious with your contributions here. If you are, well.......I feel sorry for you as you clearly have low expectations of men and must put up with a whole load of crap.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 21/11/2013 13:41

Your posts are offensive, Bonsoir.

wordfactory · 21/11/2013 13:41

But Bonsoir surely if tomorrow you decided to do something more interesting with your life and the flat got a bit messy, your DH wouldn't leave you?!?

Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 13:42

If he is French then he will already have a mistress- or even two:)

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 13:42

I think it is really offensive to tell the OP that her H is an abuser and that she should give up on him. Come on! There are children there and the OP and her H are not on the same page. That is not a reason to divorce. It is a reason to look very hard at what is going on and for both of them to try to see the other one's point of view.

springyticky · 21/11/2013 13:43

My XH married again and privately complained that he had married a similar wife to his first.

That'll be a woman then.

Bonsoir, your views could certainly add to the debate, I just wish they weren't so black and white. But this is not ultimately a debate, it is a woman's marriage and she is struggling to get beyond the gloop that her marriage has become. Ime there is a lot of guilt involved when leaving, or questioning the validity of, a marriage; and your unequivocal views are imo in danger of dragging her back to the gloop through guilt.

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 13:45

wordfactory - that isn't going to happen. Anymore than my DP is going to let himself go or go off and do something different without consulting me. We are totally aligned behind the same life plan and whenever we have new ideas, we discuss them together before moving forward. We are on the same page and we work stuff out.

springyticky · 21/11/2013 13:49

My friends are like me: busy and competent. I also know lazy and incompetent women and their families and relationships tend to be somewhat stressed and stressful and often disintegrate. Little children are not an excuse to fester.

And there was me genuinely trying to take your views seriously - until this.

Which is a shame, because you could have something good to say instead of this high-handed junk.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 21/11/2013 13:49

Never say never Bonsoir, i never thought my ex would cheat on me, and oh look he did.....

wordfactory · 21/11/2013 13:50

That sounds very rigid Bonsoir. As if your DP's love is conditional on things remaining the same ie you doing all the housework and running around.

Gosh.

BoosterBondageSapphire · 21/11/2013 13:51

"My friends are like me: busy and competent"

There are a few other adjectives I could use.

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 13:54

Where did you get that idea, wordfactory? Nothing could be further from the truth!

camaleon · 21/11/2013 13:55

I believe Bonsoir needs the attention and has managed to make the whole thread about her particular view on the economic transaction of marriage. The last 2 pages are a conversation with and about her (i can see how I am contributing too)

I would be very worried about you Bonsoir if you were my friend.

Back to dreamy, you really sound better today. The idea of writing down the plan seems quite useful. Hopefully you can also get oveer the upset the shite your husband has thrown at you to evaluate the full relationship.

Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 13:57

Bonsoir- as the OPs DH is so unhappy and 'living in hell' would you think it was his move or hers to start to talk about it?

Because from what I can see, she is the one who has taken the initiative and sorted out counselling, believing she 'has something missing to be able to please a man'.

According to your rules of making things work, she's done and is doing all the right things.

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 14:00

I'm not going to pick apart who did what first because I think that is not a level of information to which we are party.

Up to the OP if she wants to follow the majority advice on this thread and give up on her marriage...

Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 14:08

Oh I see Bonsoir Now I've called you on the facts you are flouncing off. Your argument is shot to pieces love if you don't want to look at the facts of what happened.

Bonsoir · 21/11/2013 14:10

You don't know enough to judge loopy, and I am the one calling you on that fact.

Lweji · 21/11/2013 14:16

Even if the OP was bone idle, what does that have to do with his complaints that she ignores him, him chosing to sleep elsewhere, and expect her to guess he wanted her to bring his dinner to his lap while he was watching TV?

I think Bonsoir probably has a good DP, who she can talk to about things and discuss them. Whether or not she chooses to do it all at home or not.
I really don't think it is the case with the OP. His complaints versus her desperation at trying to be all, don't ring like a partnership at all. He does sound abusive.

Lweji · 21/11/2013 14:21

And, Bonsoir, you say nothing about having children.

It's very easy to be busy and competent and run a house without children around. It all changes then and childless people often underestimate how demanding they are. now you'll say you have a dozen at least

Besides, do you have an OH who'll chose to watch TV and expect you to take his dinner to him, without him even asking? Because I don't think most men would do it.