I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

Dreamy, important steps and resolutions made today .

I am also impressed that you did not run screaming from this thread - it has taken on a bit of life of its own, as these things sometimes do.

If the different opinions on here have given you one thing, then please let it be that it takes two to Tango - it appears to the majority of us that currently you are doing an awful lot to try and make your particular marriage dance work and he is not meeting you halfway. That's what's not fair or right; not whether more sex would fix things .
I agree sex, or rather lack thereof, is far more likely a symptom than a cause of the malaise.

I am not British either btw (and not French) and my DH is - and yes, sometimes different cultural expectations can be... interesting . Talk to each other and, more importantly, listen - the listening part on his side seems to be missing while you are tying yourself in knots trying to please his demands.

You would not have started this thread if all was well in your marriage and you can only 'fix' one half of it, the rest is over to him.

Also, regarding blanking physically, yes, it is often a consequence of twatish behaviour. Surprise!

I have a normal sex drive, that went downhill as exH kept being a bastard. There's only so much you can forgive and put up with without resenting the other person.
Resentment does not lead to a good sex life, nor cuddles, nor attention. It only leads to distance.

Do you already know his wife well? If not why talk to her now? she won't be unbiased, either way. Don't expect sisterly shoulders to cry on- she might even side with him.

His behaviour goes way beyond any cultural factors- and in any case you'd have noticed him being a pig before you married him, surely? Unless he was charm personified until you were married, or you ignored the red flags perhaps?

Sounds like you are making good progress and don't put your plans on the back burner if he suddenly behaves better- it won't last and will be a knee jerk reaction to you taking the initiative.

I would add "check H's phone / email / laptop" to your to-do list, just to be on the safe side.

I smell something off here, and it isn't fish. Flipped round the other way, it sounds very much like "my wife doesn't understand me".

Bonsoir, I get what your saying because my husband comes from a French family and there is a cultural expectation there that the woman stays sexy and puts her husband first.

My husband's French & I feel compelled to say on behalf of Frenchmen everywhere, that I do not think your husband is representative of Frenchmen in general. Equally, I don't know any Frenchwoman who would put up with your husband's attitude.

Indeed, there's nothing that strikes me as particularly 'French' in your husband's behaviour. If anything, he represents a certain type of very self-absorbed, immature, entitled man who unfortunately has no particular national profile, otherwise we could all avoid them.

Yes France is a bit more sexist & there's more pressure on women to be thin to be sexy, but that does not translate into putting your husband before your children. In many ways France is more family friendly than the UK.

Yeah, I think the cultural differences thing is a bit of a red herring. The point is not that the guy is demanding anything in particular - if he was, at least the OP would know where she stood and what she had to do about it (if she chose to). The point is the constant setting her up to fail - waiting for her to not anticipate a whim and then condemning her for it, the generalisations about "not knowing how to please a man" and the totally useless feedback that her presents show she "doesn't understand him". None of that has anything to do with sexiness, Frenchness or indeed anything other than wankerishness.

It seems to me that you two are not working like a team. Try to engage him in housekeeping, let him know what you expect from him and where you need his help.

The advice you get most times on threads is always to show him the door. But I think that shld be the last resort. Some posters who give this kind of advice are living in more difficult situation than you. You need to find a way to tackle you problem.

You guys need to communicate like couples do. Goodluck

I have hosted foreign students for 10 years. I no longer host arab students because they simply can't get their heads around the fact that I'm not a servant, that they are living in my home and, as such, they do what I say ie I'm the boss. To a one this has been the case. (I have not hosted an arab woman - generally because arab women rarely travel without a man; or a man's permission.)

However, I am full of trepidation when a male french student is due to arrive because - and this, as above, is my experience - the similarities to the students from the arab culture are marked. Particularly if he is from a wealthy family, particularly if he is Parisian.

Obviously, not all male french students are mysogynistic pigs but I do hold my breath to wait and see.

Just saying.

Well as a French woman I have to disagree with Bonsoir too re staying sexy etc... When the dcs were born, they were my priority as it was the case for my other (very French) friends.

There is certainly something about the fact that some French men are a bit 'backwards' in their thinking BUT none would ever have said things like this wo getting a huge bollocking from their DW.

Please don't use the 'cultural difference' card to excuse his behaviour. He is living in the UK, choose to marry and English woman, he has to adapt to these differences. I did, I still do and so are most of the people who are in that sort of organisation, relationship wise.
If he isn't happy about it then I would suggest he goes back to live in France with a 'french' wife who will not accept that t**tish behaviour either (Btw was his first wife French by any chance?)

Re 'blanking him sexually' it's a very normal reaction when your partner behaves that way. How on earth are you suppose to find a man attractive when the only thing he does is being grumpy and putting you down ?

Sounds as if you have a plan OP. Well done - don't take any more of his shit. Hopefully he'll wake up & realise that he's not the only one who gets to decide whether their spouse is good enough.

How on earth are you suppose to find a man attractive when the only thing he does is being grumpy and putting you down?

Yeah. He does seem to be oblivious to the idea that others have emotions and emotional needs, too. He sounds more spoilt and petulant than anything else, frankly.

I'd find it hard to get my sexy on for such a pompous miserable bastard.

Buda - I have said anything at all about staying sexy! Please read the thread!

I haven't

Bryant, where to start.

Actually most people giving advice are either in happy marriages or have got rid of their own bastards.

It's not lack of engaging in house work. He just wants to go to his job and be waited upon at home.
It's not lack of communication on her part. He tells the OP what he wants, plus what she should have guessed.
If he was a decent person, he'd engage with home work and the children. The OP would be complaining here of little else than him being untidy, or not being up to her standards. In fact, it's much deeper than that.

Men like this can never get any better without the real possibility of being shown the door, and, even so, they are very likely to revert to type as soon as they feel secure again.

All these value judgements about being a "decent person". What about the OP trying to understand where her DH is coming from and working at her marriage so that her DH understands her cultural position too and her DC get to grow up with two parents? Wouldn't that be the work of a "decent person".

Her H is coming from a position of entitlement and selfishness, as he has stated quite clearly. I think she understands his position very well.

Also, there is no cultural slant to this, as demonstrated by other posters.

It will have to be his choice to step up as parent and husband and make sure the children have two parents. At the moment they have a mother and a "lord" at home.

I can't live in a messy house. It makes me feel depressed and life feel like utter chaos. Sadly my other half (whom I adore) doesn't feel the same way and is totally oblivious to mess.

Can you get a regular cleaner and some help with the children, if that might help?

"You don't know how to make a man happy."

"There is something missing in you."

"I am in a living hell."

"My relationships before you were happier and filled with life."

Why on earth would anyone try and engage with someone who comes out with this kind of crap to their wife and mother of two kids under two?

There is no tenderness there, there is no love there, it is incredible that he should say such things.

Denying the cultural slant is a huge mistake as it means the individual is blamed for shortcomings. It is much easier to overcome the shortcomings imparted by your culture than to feel you must reengineer yourself.

Plus it's not predominantly about selfishness and entitlement, though these are huge components - it's about him setting her up re 'you didn't see to my needs - so what else could I do but shag someone else? '. He's setting impossible standards that no human being could fulfil. I would say he is purposefully doing that.

If he said, "do you think we could have the house a bit tidier sometimes" Or I miss sleeping with you, shall we go to bed when the kids are napping?" or "lets go out just me and you. I'll get a babysitter..." I'd have some sympathy with the chump.

But he didn't say any of that, did he? Instead, he said cruel and ridiculous stuff designed to break her, and to give him his get out of jail card free when, like the last time he left his wife and two kids.

Poor fella and his fish pie in front of the telly, resigning himself to this living hell.

Family life can be pretty shit when children are small, let's be honest. It can also be lovely. But there can be periods where you wonder how life got so repetitive, unglamorous and small.

Bonspir sorry it's the OP who mentioned staying sexy in reference to your comment and the fact that her DH us French. So my answer was probably both to your and her assumptions.

Tbh I am all for understanding cultural differences. I actually have quite a bit if experience of it. And my experience says that it's up to the person who has moved to make the most effort.
And I know no French woman who would say the things that you have said on this thread re SAHM.
I also know no French men who would dare saying anything like this either.
Maybe we evolve in different circles

From the pov of someone who is in a multicultural relationship, I would say that if he had said 'I was expecting you to be able to find a bit of time for us as a couple. This putting the baby's needs first absolutely all the time feels strange and foreign' then I would understand.
I would also understand 'but you can't be co sleeping and still bfing this baby at 7months. He is miles to old for that. This bed is our marital bed. No baby should be in there'. But he isn't. Instead he is going to sleep in the spare room. A very English reaction to the problem.
On the other side, Telling your partner she is responsible for your happiness and she isn't doing well enough us just being a t**t regardless of the country.
It looks more like he is very choosy as to what he is happy to adapt to and what he isn't.