I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

I wonder how old his DCs from his previous marriage were when he left their mother?

People that genuinely want their relationships to work also don't expect their partners to put food on their laps while sitting on the sofa watching TV.

I read the OP as Dreamy wondering if she should try and adjust to what he wants. There is very little about what she might want.
He's not really letting her put the children first. It seems to me that she has had to put the children first because if she doesn't, nobody else will do anything for the children, bar some occasional child care (presumably keeping a watchful eye while she's cooking, cleaning or shopping).

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do.

Out of interest, is he planning to see a counsellor? If he's the most unhappy man on the planet?

Yes, those 4 quotes of his in Cliffmas's post are out of order aren't they ?
All deeply hurtful things to say to someone.
If he's unhappy in the relationship he could say so without making partner feel crap.
If he has suggestions on improving things he could make these positively, and put some effort in himself whilst he's at it!

I have been 100% supportive of the OP and still am, but.....

it is easy for a man to feel pushed out when there is a new baby ( and a toddler ) on the scene. That's pretty much accepted amongst parenting professionals etc. It can also be hard for couples or one of the couple to come home or live in a chaotic house if they are a tidy-by-nature person. Similarly, the person who is a not a SAHP/ breast feeding, may need to sleep elsewhere for some of the time if they need a decent night's sleep.

BUT his behaviour is not the way to mend things. He could offer to tidy up and pay for a cleaner. He could sleep with you OP on weekends if he so badly needs his sleep on work days. He could rope in a baby sitter to give you a break.

Saying you are 'missing something' is terrible. It's along the lines of a woman telling a guy his penis is too small to satisfy her- so what's he going to do about it?

And to equate his life to 'hell' when he has a home and 2 lovely children is nonsense.

IMO he's setting the stage for an exit/affair- or hoping you will do it to save him the bother.

He just projects.

You dont know how to make a man happy # Idont knowhow to be happy.

There is smth missing in you # THere is something missing in me.

As for the previous relationships well, they ended so they were not perfect.

He doesnt want to Have a relanionship. He wants to talj about a relationship. To analyze his partner like he is watching a WOody Allen movie. 'Hmm, she came downstairs now, hmm lets see if she brings the fish pie here or she calls me in the kutchen'.
A normal person says: ' Darling would you mind if i take mine in the living room because i really want to watch this program?'. Very simple. But oh no he wants to do his psychology experiment, set the partner to fail, then analyze it, and start the shit about microcosms.

I would say something is missing in HIM.he can do affairs but he cant do close relationships.

Glad you are taking some steps, how has it been today?

Today has been interesting. Thanks for asking :)

I've just got back from an evening out with some girl friends. Took dd2 and dd1 stayed at home with h. We've been meeting up to do the Artists Way. When it came to my turn I told them how it was, about my response to this thread, the realisations it has brought forward in my thinking, and what I'm scared of in terms of looking at separating as a real option. It was great to be in a space were I felt held and also pleasing to let the conversation go on to other things we were all going to do together come what may.

We talked about what it is to realise change at the level he would have to for me to stay. What has made him like he is. Even if change is possible. One friend suggested giving a clear outline of what needed to be done and a timeline, so he knew what was on the line and what to do about it.

Sounds senseable. I do need to write a bit and think through what that is. I suppose what I really need from a relationship. So that I can relay that and also know in my self. I suppose its time to look at what I am entitled to properly. It's been most helpful to hear other ladies talk about what is 'normal'!

Night

Glad you have RL support.

It does sound as though you had a really positive day with a bunch of supportive friends.

It's great than you have managed to bring this out in RL.

What comes over is that you have an unclear idea of boundaries and acceptable behaviour within close relationships. Maybe this stems from your mum's own lack of self esteem ( given your dad's on going affairs?) and the message it gave you about what is acceptable.

It's also a sad fact in some cases that women end up marrying men who resemble their fathers- both good and bad points! Sub consciously you may have made this choice and this is maybe something to explore with your counsellor?

Did you have many or any good relationships before you married- against which you can judge your marriage? There's a lot missing from your posts about how you ended up with this man and how you thought he was a different person to how he appears now.

How long's the marriage? How long did you know him first? How long was he out of his marriage when you met? Were you a rebound relationship? Did he ever have the time or insight to think about why his previous marriage didn't work? Lots of things to ask yourself ......

Lucky you to have an Artists Way group! I'd love to be a member lol. Sounds like you had some really good, solid support there.

re your husband, I agree that we have a tendency to repeat learned patterns, but these can often show up way down the line ie at the beginning of the relationship a partner can appear to be very different to how they end up. They don't usually show their hand until way down the line. (when you're fully committed )

though there are usually some tell-tale signs that in the heat of love etc we dismiss.

So getting a divorce means the children grow up with only one parent? How so? Plenty co-parent just fine.

Understand where he is coming from culturally. Why doesn't he use language to facilitate this? Plenty of us on here are married to men from different cultures and nations from those we were born or brought up in, it is not unusual these days, and we, you know, talk a out things rather than play games.

Why does this man not try to understand where the OP is coming from since he chose to marry an Englishwoman and live in England?

I chose to live on another county and culture from my native one, I see it as my responsibility to assimilate.

OP, I think women whose partners have form for affairs and leaving wives/partners feel it is their responsibility to make the relationship work.

Particularly if they have transitioned from other woman to wife/partner (ebcause they will have swallowed all the bullshit about it being the first wife's fault 100%).

But trully, good relationships are not like that!

Decent men are perfectly content to stay in their relationships, even during the tough times. I know lots of women in long-term successful relationships and they're not all dancing in rah-rah skirts to please their men folk. Far from it.

In fact, the men I know who have dumped their wives were receiving a lot more conspicuous effort in terms of being looked after and having attention lavished on them. The women had also made a lot of effort to keep themselves 'looking good'.

It made no difference. They were still dumped. Why? The men were not decent (the hint was in their previous form!).

You sound so different from your earlier posts, and that's great.

It sounds like you have a lot of support to take strength from.

You know your H is being unreasonable. His expectations of family life are weird - it seems he learnt nothing from his first marriage break down at all.

"OP, I think women whose partners have form for affairs and leaving wives/partners feel it is their responsibility to make the relationship work."

Yes. True. I am fighting a constant battle against that and so should you OP! There are two in my marriage and two in yours x

Who would you rather be? The single mother who refused to work at her relationship or the second wife who does work at hers? I know an awful lot of miserable bitter single mother first wives who absolutely refuse to acknowledge that marriage/relationships/children are work and lots of very happy hardworking second wives with delightful blended families...

I don't know any miserable bitter single first wives.

I know a few who are pleased they're not dancing to their twattish husbands tune anymore.

This guy needs to work harder.

As a (very happy) single mother, I mentally divide the couples I know into two categories - the awesome, equal partnerships where both pull their weight, there is mutual respect, love and a lot of hard work and fun on both parts, and the Stepford wife/Disney dad partnerships (the sort where the man is a "great father" because he cherry-picks the good bits like taking the kids swimming so his wife can do the housework on a Saturday morning, or "babysits" once a month so she can go out).

I do feel a little bit of envy, but mostly fond admiration towards those in the first category. I wouldn't swap my lot for the second category for all the tea in China!

And when I say "hard work" I mean the sort of real work - making the sandwiches, sorting the laundry, taking responsibility for the shit work in the relationship as well as the easy stuff. I don't mean "hard work" as in that dreadful phrase that always gets given to women, but strangely almost never to men, of "work at your relationship" which seems to me to be synonymous with "learn to eat shit and smile while you do it".

I don't know any miserable bitter single first wives. I know a few who are pleased they're not dancing to their twattish husbands tune anymore.

Yes, me.

Bonsoir I'm sure your use of emotive language is calculated. single and walk away without trying imply failure. Yet you are effectively single aren't you?

You clearly believe that the OP is having a whinge about nothing and just needs to start pleasing her man more.

You have very odd boundaries yourself if you see his behaviour as a sign that you ( or the OP) need to do more.

It takes 2 to try.

What do you suggest he does?

Far better to be single and walk away from an abusive man than stay and have the title of 'Mrs'.

Me and the vast majority of my friends are the first wives. We're all still married ...

We didn't stay that way to dancing to our husband's tunes!

Those saying it takes two to try, then why aint he fecking trying then, or does try mean, woman does everything to please her husband and the husband bravely puts up with his wife's inadequacies.

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life, rather than inflict the kind of twat the OP has on my DD.

Im not teaching her that she has to put up with bullshit because shes a woman, being a woman means more than staying quiet with an iron in one hand and couple of kids in the other.

Bonsoir, I do find your opinions ghastly, I must say.

It is rather simplistic, I think, to assume that people just cut and run when things get difficult in a marriage. The vast majority ( of women, anyway ) take marriage very seriously and don't jack it in at the first sign of trouble. I appreciate that our culture is flooded with new age 'because we're worth it' shit and that can lead to disgruntled spouses assuming, when things get tricky, that true happiness must lie elsewhere, being as we all deserve happiness and all. I get that. I appreciate that difficulties can have a tendency to gain momentum (particularly with the 'I deserve happiness always' mantra swimming around) which can pull the whole thing down to a point of no return.

You don't, for instance, allow for abuse as part of the dynamic. Granted, we all 'abuse' to varying degrees, and it can be hard to identify what we are facing non-negotiable abuse ie serious. But if there are clear signs of abuse, and the abuser has no intention of addressing it, then it is a non-starter from all angles. No amount of working at it will change what is essentially an abusive dynamic.

Dreamy, I'm wondering if your H's heavily dramatic turn of phrase (to put it mildly) could be from the french Eric Cantona school ie bullshit philosophical musings. But, that aside, I am of the opinion that you are facing abuse proper in this marriage, and no amount of working it out a la Bonsoir will address that.