I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

Oh my word! I think there are a surprising amount of 1950's housewives about still!

Honestly OP. The majority of opinions here are that your 'D'H is massively immature and selfish at the very least and possibly even more sinister.

I agree about getting legal advice and trying to make yourself as financially secure as possible, having information cannot hurt at all.

And tying yourself up in knots trying to fit in BJ's as well as do everything else is a total load of BS!

I am surprised and disappointed at your advice Lucy.

Of course physical relationships are important but that's not the problem here.

This guy is a complete dick and no amount of sucking his dick will change that.

and if she did he'd probably only complain that all the others did it better.

I like a fish pie and a blow job as much as the next woman, but nothing on earth would induce me to provide either to poor diddums who is 'living in hell'

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism

Please be nice to Lucy and her friends, they are providing me with so much entertainment lol

I expect they wont have much more time to post as their Dear Ones will be home from work soon and they will have to warm their slippers, do a lovely 3 course meal and get ready to deliver their BJ's :)

I wonder if his ex-wife, the one he cheated on, was also incapable of making a man happy. And what about the women he cheated with? Presumably she wasn't either or they'd still be together...hmmm... anyone noticing a pattern?

And actually, a blow job can work wonders....

Reciprocity can too...

He's putting the onus on the OP, but, apart from "providing", he's not offering much, is he?

OP I hope you will come back and chat for support.

The thread has become a bit 'jokey' but we are all deadly serious about helping you.

I re-read your first post and this is the saddest line for me...

Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

You are a bloody marvel! Two kids under 2 and running a home is no mean feat. Please don't put yourself down. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with you, except you are married to a bully.

Blimey Bonsoir I'm shocked at your analysis of things

And I think it will be hard to improve this relationship because of the degree of entitlement and unkindness from OP's H.

Liked oscarwildes classic last line re. H's "living hell" of home-made fish-pie in front of telly

And also euphemisms remarkably frank (and non-euphamistic ) contribution

Its funny that H is in a living hell with a cooked dinner and all the extras and theres people homeless and starving, or old people lonely and in the cold.

I bet they'd appreciate OPs efforts at home.

As a species we've failed miserably.

Who wants to suck the knob of a man who thi m&s he's entitled to it and makes you feel shit about yourself? no one I'm guessing. I feel sorry for you Lucy if that's how you think things are fixed in relationships.

Thinks not m&s

Bonsoir, surely if you regard marriage as a solely economic transaction you can see the other side of that argument? If the OP's H is such a great provider, and they're married, and he owns their home, then she can decide being treated as a household appliance crossed with a geisha is a bad deal for herself, divorce him, retain the right to live in the home and child support (which, it seems, hasn't been factored into any benefits entitlement since 2010, so his legislatively mandated payments would be a top-up of benefits) and then look for someone else?

Marriage isn't only a commercial transaction. It's one in which companionship, friendship, kindness and mutuality factor. This husband is failing to provide his side of the emotional contract - and if all he meant to his wife was the money he provided, then he really would have grounds for complaint. As it is, both sides have reason to leave a relationship that does not make them happy, and as a SAHM of two babies she would be entitled to financial provision for some time to come.

Your economic analysis of the situation is therefore flawed. Even if treating the most intimate and emotionally charged relationship of anyone's life as a solely commercial transaction weren't batshit insane anyway - the argument fails on its own surreal terms.

OP - he is probably feeling neglected, bored, lonely and horny. From your OP he didn't say anything about sex so my reference to the legendary Mumsnet blowjob in the labour ward may have derailed this thread slightly. Sorry

To be v very kind^ to your DH, he may well feel all these things and is clearly in a lovely self-indulgent, self-pitying place, wallowing in his own unhappiness and being a martyr. We're all guilty of it from time to time -he's just a lucky man that he chose to have this "conversation" with you, rather than most of us.

You could get very ranty and call him on it. Tell him to sling his hook etc etc. It's unlikely to help much and you mostly sound as though you love him, and probably don't have the mental energy to even consider the alternatives at the moment. Definitely sign up for the counselling - it might help you to counter his navel gazing but also to be more assertive. When did you last tell him to cook you dinner - or that you are going out for a few hours?

Time to point out that you are not swanning off to choose nail varnish colours every morning when he tootles off to a day of work, adult conversation, and an actual lunchbreak. Point out that an adult relationship which has fun, conversation and affection in it, is one of mutual respect and effort. Life has changed, it will continue to do so and the sooner he rolls with the punches, is less defeatist and gets on with it the better life will be.

'Bonsoir, surely if you regard marriage as a solely economic transaction you can see the other side of that argument?'

She isn't married.

'Are you really a man Lucy? Only a man could think like that..... and a very dim one at that.'

Or a hooker, even glorified ones.

He has recently given up some stuff that is him making an effort for us. Then somehow I was going to get him to engage in going tantric in some beautiful way and he was going to be so greatful!

So he gave up something (you didn't elaborate on what), and figures you owe him. Hence his air of martyrdom. He married you following these wonderful earlier liaisons, ("filled with life" indeed what are those two DCs of yours then, dollies?) and now he has decided the grass wasn't greener after all.

He can't bear to concede that perhaps like his exW, you do need support beyond the purely financial, and that the early years of raising DCs are tough and make demands on both parents. He voices dissatisfaction and expects you to solve this, then if at a later date he jumps ship, he can say he gave you fair warning. He thinks like a boy not a grown man.

Expat, do you mean Bonsoir, or the OP?

What did he give up, OP ? Was it drugs ? He sounds like he isn't on this planet, that is for sure.

Think that's an insult to men, tbh. Sex as something you give them to keep them quiet, like a sort of adult-male version of Calpol, isn't a notion most adults would find enticing. Men posting on MN when their marriages are sexless have sometimes rather sadly said the wife offers it to placate them, rather than because she actually desires them. It hurts their feelings, and it would mine, too. I know you hear about some complete arses on Mumsnet but I do think most blokes are actually pretty decent, just like most women, and want emotional intimacy just as we do. (Ironically, given people accuse women here of being man-haters, it's precisely because I do think there are plenty of stellar men that I don't see why women should tolerate the cockmaggots of this world. Nobody should be stuck with someone who treats them like dirt.)

OP was your husband very, very fussed over by Mummy or something? Wanting his home-cooked dinner brought to him in front of the telly with fond devotion, because he didn't want to miss his programme, does sound like something a mother would do for a kid facing exams or convalescent, tbh. Not an adult level of expectation at all.

Sounds like he wants a porn wife or hip hop video one not a real life wife.

Imagine the faff of being that. And diamonds in itchy places.

Ask him for what you want in a dh. Go on, make a list and tell him. Bet your dream looks a bit different too. More George clooney in lake como stylie, not grumpy and whiny.

Feel for you op. Wishing you well x

Hello.

Thank you again so much. Been to a counsellor today. She was great. Husband very nice to me as I think friend who is staying has said something, though I don't know what.

I would love to reply to loads of people directly. It's really helpful to hear te different directions ladies go in as this has been a little bit like how the conversations in my he's have been for ages.

Bonsoir, I get what your saying because my husband comes from a French family and there is a cultural expectation there that the woman stays sexy and puts her husband first. But as cool as that might b in a French way, i am very naturally English and feel the ease put my children first and want to breast feed for longer than 3 weeks. Bla bla.

I am going to take some practical action in the next couple of days as per some v helpful posts:

1. seek legal advice.
2. speak to ex-wife (for a laugh if nothing else).
3. get my career options back together and start to really think about how I can be financially independent. On that point, I did resign my teaching position, but have currently got some work designing resources for a local school. I went in today to meet the teacher in charge so move it a long and make sure it happens...

I am going to concentrate on bedtime now and will read a post more in a bit.

Full respect to the full power women out there. It must sound crazy that I have put up with stuff but he is very sweet with d1 and she adores him. It's very hard to imagine splitting her world and totally against where I was coming from before I faced up to the facts of this situation.

I am now imagining finding a little house for me and girls somewhere further down the line and my joy at that. As much as I owe it to them to make sure thy dont think this treatment is acceptable I do also owe it to them to do my absolute best to stand up to him and really clear.

Have started that this evening. Was interesting. But must go, one girl in bath! Will be back, am reading everything. Whih is why it takes so long to post. Am v greatful if a little shocked by the reflection it gives.

Also for the more moderate amongst u, I have sort of blanked him physically because of this ongoing bullshit, so chauvinist or not, he is right about that. And that is relatively core, if still symptomatic...

If he expected a French-like woman, he shouldn't have married an English woman. Regardless, I don't think French women would put up with this crap either. There's a difference between putting more emphasis on life as a couple, and putting the husband top. I don't think French women would necessarily have put his dinner on his lap as he expected either.

I come from a Southern European country and I'd only expect such behaviour in very old fashioned, backwards couples. Most couples my age (40s) wouldn't be like that. I don't think I'd expect it in older couples either. Certainly not in my parents (70s).

Blanked him physically ? Love, only a Stepford Wife would lower herself onto his cock after he has said some of the utterly abusive shite that has come out of his filthy mouth.

he can still be a good daddy without being your so-called partner