To start ignoring my mother and go entirely no contact?

[singlemedicmum]

Sorry to post another mother related thread, but just wanted to get some perspective. This is my second post here, I've been reading threads for a few weeks and am pretty happy to note that most posters have a similar moral compass to myself (and don't take any shit either).

Massively long story and as I'm a pretty private person I'll try hard to omit possible identifiers.

Essentially I've a tiny family. Dear father no longer alive (the one family member who loved me unconditionally sadly), and two siblings (I'm the middle one ha!) and a mother who's pretty passive aggressive. Was used as a housemaid and babysitter for the younger sibling from the age of about 10 so my mum could spend evenings and weekends focussing on taking the elder sibling to sports events.

From age 11 I spent my teens living mainly with my father but got into an unsettling cycle of moving back and forth from each parent. Mother tried hard to restrict my teenage freedom (I chose people who were part of a religion and race she hated and still hates) but was more than happy to facilitate my elder siblings socialising.

I've had years of being close with the 3 of them, but this has regularly been interspersed with periods of being treated like shit. I've been used to perform tasks that only I can do properly (I'm miles more academic than the other two, and have nous) and I've also received tonnes of help with childcare so she's not all bad. I'm divorced with 2 children and a single parent for several years now.

Stupidly I entered an abusive relationship a couple of years ago. I managed to get rid of the wanker a year ago. Whilst initially liking this dick, my mother became very aloof and kept her distance once the relationship became established. To my eternal shame and guilt there was also some pretty psychologically horrendous DV and this was directed towards the kids too. I struggled alone with this (totally persuaded that it was acceptable and still can't get my head round why I tolerated it) and eventually confided in a close friend and ended the relationship (contacting police etc as he was stalking us towards the end)

Since that relationship started my family completely stepped back and without detailing the ins and outs I was ignored by my elder sibling, the youngest showed their true colours by sending verbal abuse via text and mother to this day has never phoned and has just sent text messages asking to see my children.

I've repeatedly explained that they can't ignore my existence yet still text (fucking text messages and not even a damn phone call) requesting to see my children. She won't come over to talk even when I've explained we can forget about everything and start afresh, that I need a mother and that I'm happy to make amends and be a family again. I'm still getting stupid shitty texts eg 'can the children come over as I'm at home today' or 'would the children like to come to a bonfire' etc etc. No hello or how are you, and definitely no response to my requests to make amends and start afresh.

Am I being unreasonable to tell my so called mother to fuck the fuck off and leave me alone and stop sending rude and pathetic text messages? Or would it be sensible to just ignore these fucking irritating texts?

Sorry to write such a tedious post. There's lots more to this. I've tried my best. I'm alone and coping well with the children but since disengaging with this bollocks and realising that I don't have a proper family I've become so much more chilled out and at peace. I'm not happy for anyone, especially my negative and passive aggressive family to expect to have access to my babies whilst ignoring me.

Perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

text:
mum if you continue to ignore me I shall ignore you. behave or leave me alone.

then:
get some counselling to help you cope. people can't help what their families are like, but they can get help in bolstering their own confidence to deal with it.

Keep them out of your life. Build your own family, have you got any close friends? I have no contact with my blood family but the patchwork family I have around me is brilliant, not a toxic one amongst them and my children are better off with them not the toxic blood in their life.

Thanks guys. I have one close friend, and several fair weather friends. I do feel like I'm coping alone tbh, but aren't so many others? I need more friends I know, but it's a bit hard to find them when I'm working so hard and trying hard to raise my children properly.
You certainly know who is there for you when you're on your ass!

i would like to hear the other side of this story. Very hard to judge with just your version. ut you have to do whatyou think is best for you and will make you and your children happy. Good Luck.

Instead of ignoring the txts I'd be getting a new number. Get a new sim card. So you don't even need to see the rude texts.
Poor you, sounds horrible and confusing for you.
You will have friends on here :) x

I am the oldest. My mother used me as a slave. When I left home on my 16th birthday she asked me had I arranged a babysitter that night! My sister remembers my cooking, not my mothers, she's five years younger than me. I have tried being friends with my mother as we both get older, but she hasn't changed. She will never change, and neither will your mother. Walk away and save your children from the shit you have had, and from hearing shit about you that they won't want to hear, because she'll do it, the second your back is turned. Be happy, just you and your dcs. And good luck.

Depends what you want to happen in the long term. I have a sense that you would like to improve things rather than end things, but that you doubt that is possible.

You say you get texts, but do you initiate contact yourself?

Just lost a long ass post when battery died (possibly a good thing). But here's another!

Deck swabber - perhaps. I think I've been feeling better lately because I've gradually realised that I won't ever have a really good relationship with them, and that the relationship has never been good since adolescence, and that this is out of my control despite my efforts to improve things.

I have initiated contact. In fact my younger siblings verbally abusive text arose following an email I sent to my mother. Ironically I showed it to aforementioned close friend before sending (and slept on it!) as didn't want to come across as negative or critical. Essentially the content was along the lines off 'I love you, I want my mum, you can see the kids whenever, but I really would like us all to get along as a family and to draw a line under the past (even willing to let go off my resentment at being treated shabbily compared to my siblings), but I won't permit access to the kids if you're going to ignore my existence sorry.

The younger sibling basically said 'fuck off you cunt, how dare you write such a DISGUSTING email to dear mother'. I was a bit after getting that text (but also v v pissed off with him, particularly as I've always tried to help him when he's been in tears because of mothers behaviour).

Ho hum. The other two toe the party line and I suspect it's so they can benefit financially. I've always paid my own way so I've never felt the need to behave contrary to my ethics like they do.

Also, she did visit recently. This was after a text requesting having the children over, I replied they were home with me and we were redecorating. She said 'is that a no then', I responded 'let's discuss this in person rather than by text' and 'I'm sure the children would love you to come over' and 'I won't bite'. Result = she visited, ignored me entirely, and spoke through the kids towards me, made no eye contact towards me, I permitted a trip to the park. Kids returned and told me they'd been questioned as soon as they left about 'did he hit your mother too' etc etc. dropped them off outside the house and didn't contact again until the next text request for access. V pissed off that she questioned them about a damaging event in their lives (that happened almost a year ago) without my presence or permission, and because there was no point except to try and find fodder for gossip or criticising me - asking these questions are reminding the children of what happened and potentially damaging and v selfish. Where was she when we were going through it?

Seems to me that your family can't forgive you for (unwittingly) putting children into the position that they were in, hence the messages about contact with DC and not you. Can you reassure them that you have dealt with the abuser and are all trying to move on as a family?

Your mother wasn't there for you during the DV and she is not there for you now. It is totally unacceptable to blank you whilst spending time with the children.

Your siblings relied on you when younger but sadly you can't rely on them now either. There is no mutual support.

Try and develop friendships instead. Friends can be just as good as family. Just takes time and investment. I think you need to accept that your mum/siblings are not supportive and move on. Expect nothing from them and you can't hurt.

I would distance myself/the kids from family. If she texts tell her that you are happy for her to meet with the kids once you have both on better terms for a couple of weeks first. Suggest a few phonecalls and meeting without the kids. Keep your attitude positive and progressive. You are trying to help solve a problem.

From what you say your kids were involved in some serious dv. The relationship with your family deteriorated when you were involved in an abusive relationship. Maybe they could not be around you while you were involved in, and by default allowed your kids to be involved in abuse. Maybe they are still angry with you about that.
You would probably benefit from some counselling to help you through what is obviously a difficult time. You need to be able to move on and not keep raising the past as the rest of your family have accepted what happened and, it appears, are over it. You don't really like your mother and seem to spent a long time locking horns with her, deliberately spending time with people in a religion and race she did not like. The email was obviously not well recd judging on what you say about your sibling reactions.
Try to allow the relationship and maybe one day your mother will want to talk to you, she did ask the kids about you so she does care possibly she does not know how to show it.
I wish you and your children well.

X post and just read your last update. I think that your Mum is genuinely concerned for the DGC and is struggling with the fact that there was an abusive partner on the scene, Maybe she has doubts that you are genuinely rid of him?

I believe that this is a separate issue from any (warrented or otherwise) feelings of injustice from your relationship with your mother and siblings.

Could you talk to your Mum via a mediator through a family counselling service?

Pigs mummy I appreciate your comment but they've been like this before at various points in my life; it's just impossible to tell you everything and I'm having to drip feed.

Tbh I'm quite angry that they didn't care enough for the kids to come round to check on them, instead they stayed away whilst we suffered and basically feigned concern from a distance (whilst updating Facebook talking about her brilliant TWO children).

Tbh the DV thing muddies the waters somewhat. This is a historic situation, and I phoned her up long after it ended to tell her it was finished expecting her to come round and give us all a hug (how naive am I). She doesn't even know the extent of the DV in fact and hasn't really tried to find out.

I've been through a hell of a lot and so have my children. I'm genuinely extremely reluctant to pussyfoot around people who are butthurt because we suffered abuse.

And I'm also struggling to accept that I should feel like I need to make it up to my family for putting my kids at risk, particularly as they disappeared long before it started anyway!

The only people I need to make amends with are the two beautiful, funny and confident children currently next to me on the sofa annoying the cat. We're doing well. We've discussed it. I've apologised repeatedly and I've tried to reassure them. We've changed locks and I've spoken to significant others eg school etc, and they seem fine.

I've also learnt a great deal about myself. I would have laughed my head off if anyone had suggested that I would have tolerated DV. I'm so much more understanding when I see it in other families now.

I think you need a version of rabbitlady's strategy where you keep stating to her when she texts that she needs to grow up and deal with you. Something like 'Happy to let you see the children but we will need to have a conversation, like adults, ourselves to make that happen. Ring me when you're ready'. Push her to speak to you directly by using the phone rather than texting.

Like DeckSwabber it sounds to me like you would like to repair things ultimately, but to make that at all possible you need to keep the door ajar but while maintaining your boundaries and not letting her disrespect you. I would echo the suggestion of counselling, because as someone coming out of an abusive relationship you'll be aware of the problems you've had with boundaries in the past and you will benefit from support in setting them now. Good luck.

Have just read the two posts above and it may be then that this is the point to do no contact. In which case just ignore the texts altogether. Any reply you give will be interpreted negatively if that is the way you mother is determined to see you.

It's hard. Iv seen another part of oh's family go through something similar. Daughter got into a very abusive relationship, parents hated him from the start but she wouldn't hear a word against him. He basically alienated her from the family (part of his is abusive tactics) and she did/said horrible things to her parents and siblings.

She kicked him into touch and is now in touch with her siblings but she can't seem to build a relationship with her parents. I think too much was said and she hurt them so badly. They see the grand kids now they are older (late teens) as the kids chose this.

So it's difficult to know the ins and outs. However I would demand she treats you with respect around your children. Could you arrange a weekly visit on neutral ground, like a playcentre. You can both focus on the kids and give your relationship some time to heal. Especially if your mum was so involved with your kids that she was looking after them.

It's really useful to hear the views of you all, and I appreciate the time you've put in. Tbh you mostly seem to view this from a recent perspective, whereas this is a situation I've had for many years. I'm taking on board your comments and I do actually see your points about their angst about the DV. They managed it terribly, and had checked out long before and I do genuinely feel they started punishing me long before the DV started. Having said that, that relationship didn't help at all, and made things a lot worse to the point where there's virtually no contact.

However I'm not apologising to anyone else for what the kids and I have suffered. That's non negotiable. Anyone with an ounce of humanity would have tried to help us. They didn't even make a single phone call. We could have been dead (no we weren't battered but they didn't know that!) for weeks and found out in the local news. I can't forgive that. I find the whole thing incredibly selfish. How can anyone think that a monthly blunt text to request access is acceptable, along with ignoring their birthdays and significant events in their lives.

If I thought a friend was being abused, I would turn up at the house. If I thought she was being blind to abuse and her kids were suffering I'd still turn up. I'd remain in contact, I'd be a friend to her and I wouldn't go away. This is what the friend who I confided in did, and I'm eternally grateful.

The relationship has deteriorated, and I think it's beyond the point at which its salvageable. There's been no developments that make me think otherwise. The texts to access the children have gone on for months and months, despite me already doing as some of you have suggested. I've met her for lunch, on my suggestion. I've phoned. I've texted, and I've emailed. Nothing has changed. What more can I do? She persists with these texts asking for access and they're irritating me. It's like being prodded by a petulant child who refuses to engage adequately.

Somebody said it earlier. Change your mobile number. Let those texts go to outer space...

OP given how you have described your relationship with your mother and family I think you need to read up on situations where there is a scapegoat/golden child (both of which are extremely damaging. I may be totally wrong - but if you have been placed in the scapegoat role by your mother it's not surprising you found yourself in an abusive relationship. It's also not surprising she is trying to develop some sort of relationship with your children while still putting you in the 'bad child' role.

If she cannot have a nurturing, mothering relationship with you, she cannot have a nurturing grandmother relationship with your children. You are a package deal.

Thank you thecat. How would you recommend I proceed with this? I can't afford to spend any more emotional energy tbh.

Honestly? I'd change numbers, leave Facebook (or block) and ignore. Cut down all methods of communication and drift away. Don't engage, argue or confront.

You have tried to communicate with her like a reasonable adult and it hasn't worked.

Protect yourself and your children. Build a new support network for yourself (and I know that's easier said than done)

'Maybe they could not be around you while you were involved in, and by default allowed your kids to be involved in abuse. Maybe they are still angry with you about that.'

I know why you're saying that Sally, but can't you see how it'd make it worse if that's what was going on.

That they were prepared to sit back and leave the OP in a situation with her children that they knew was abusive. A lot of strangers would have that playing on their mind if they knew and had ignored.

They have no right to be angry at all, it's victim blaming if they are.

I agree with TheCat's post and was thinking you were being scapegoated as I was reading the thread, and definitely the last paragraph, which was the other thing I was thinking reading through, why do you think your mum is pushing to see the children? Because it's what she thinks she ought to do? Because it's how she wants to be seen by other people as the doting GM? Because it gives her a chance to manipulate you? That she gets off on the game/control?

You're constantly setting yourself up for disappointment by looking to see if this woman can give you the motherly/unconditional relationship you are craving.

She's proved time and again that she can't give that to you.

I can see you're starting to accept it now, and that does make it easier, but you have to choose differently for your children and make sure they aren't set up by her so she can be disappointed in them too.

You've made the decision, you don't owe her an explanation (and she's just being awkward if she starts on the 'woe is me', 'what did I do to deserve this', 'What?? I don't get what I've done??'), just be comfortable and secure in choosing to cut yourself free from her.

At the risk of looking as though I'm trying to get in with her, agree with TheCats post again

You talk like you've been through it yourself Cat.

At first, I was going to suggest you let her maintain / build on a relationship with your DCs despite your own relationship difficulties. However, since reading that she's manipulative and asks them questions that could be damaging. (Emotionally) to either your relationship with your own children or to your DCs ( unhelpfully reminding them of DV without supportive counselling), I'd say do as others have suggested:
Cut off phone. Change/ block
Block on Facebook
BUT I'd explain why first with an appointment offered for family counselling to which she may attend.
She won't, sadly.