To start ignoring my mother and go entirely no contact?

[singlemedicmum]

Sorry to post another mother related thread, but just wanted to get some perspective. This is my second post here, I've been reading threads for a few weeks and am pretty happy to note that most posters have a similar moral compass to myself (and don't take any shit either).

Massively long story and as I'm a pretty private person I'll try hard to omit possible identifiers.

Essentially I've a tiny family. Dear father no longer alive (the one family member who loved me unconditionally sadly), and two siblings (I'm the middle one ha!) and a mother who's pretty passive aggressive. Was used as a housemaid and babysitter for the younger sibling from the age of about 10 so my mum could spend evenings and weekends focussing on taking the elder sibling to sports events.

From age 11 I spent my teens living mainly with my father but got into an unsettling cycle of moving back and forth from each parent. Mother tried hard to restrict my teenage freedom (I chose people who were part of a religion and race she hated and still hates) but was more than happy to facilitate my elder siblings socialising.

I've had years of being close with the 3 of them, but this has regularly been interspersed with periods of being treated like shit. I've been used to perform tasks that only I can do properly (I'm miles more academic than the other two, and have nous) and I've also received tonnes of help with childcare so she's not all bad. I'm divorced with 2 children and a single parent for several years now.

Stupidly I entered an abusive relationship a couple of years ago. I managed to get rid of the wanker a year ago. Whilst initially liking this dick, my mother became very aloof and kept her distance once the relationship became established. To my eternal shame and guilt there was also some pretty psychologically horrendous DV and this was directed towards the kids too. I struggled alone with this (totally persuaded that it was acceptable and still can't get my head round why I tolerated it) and eventually confided in a close friend and ended the relationship (contacting police etc as he was stalking us towards the end)

Since that relationship started my family completely stepped back and without detailing the ins and outs I was ignored by my elder sibling, the youngest showed their true colours by sending verbal abuse via text and mother to this day has never phoned and has just sent text messages asking to see my children.

I've repeatedly explained that they can't ignore my existence yet still text (fucking text messages and not even a damn phone call) requesting to see my children. She won't come over to talk even when I've explained we can forget about everything and start afresh, that I need a mother and that I'm happy to make amends and be a family again. I'm still getting stupid shitty texts eg 'can the children come over as I'm at home today' or 'would the children like to come to a bonfire' etc etc. No hello or how are you, and definitely no response to my requests to make amends and start afresh.

Am I being unreasonable to tell my so called mother to fuck the fuck off and leave me alone and stop sending rude and pathetic text messages? Or would it be sensible to just ignore these fucking irritating texts?

Sorry to write such a tedious post. There's lots more to this. I've tried my best. I'm alone and coping well with the children but since disengaging with this bollocks and realising that I don't have a proper family I've become so much more chilled out and at peace. I'm not happy for anyone, especially my negative and passive aggressive family to expect to have access to my babies whilst ignoring me.

Perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Hello OP.

I have read this entire thread after searching for advice about my own situation, and not knowing how to approach Mothers Day this year. My own mother is an ignoring narcissist. Since I no longer serve her as a narcissistic supply (ive always had it in me to stand up for myself and eventually did) well, shes bailed out on me entirely.

Ignoring narcissists are some of the most hurtful people, especially when theyre also meant to be family. My mum had ignoring tendencies throughout my life and only after everything came to a head recently, did i start to put the pieces together and begin to heal myself. Its really hard.

I was dragged up. Apparently thats my dads fault for having an affair. Then its my grans fault for being old fashioned (even though I practically lived there as a child, my mum didnt find her a help. I never heard a wrong word about my mother from my gran but, I digress).At the moment she is ecperiencing THE most severe of symptoms of the menopause thus disablig her to the pointnwhere she cant see us or do anything with us. She prays that i dont suffer like her and expects me to feel sorry for her. I just cant any more. Theres always been a reason for her to hehave dreadfully towards me. Now she is doing it to my kids too. It had to stop.

I remember no cuddles, affection, or in teenage and young adult years...no lunches or shopping or any time spent with my mum. I tried. She just didnt want me around. I concluded that I was flawed and consequently I should just go and get on with my life and not bother her.

I met someone who turned out to be abusive. Perhaps as a result of the lack of emotional nurturing I had feom family. Ten years, two kids later a penny dropped. My kids wouldnt live the cycle amd it would not repeat. I left and started again as a single mum.

Got back on my feet, enrolled at uni, started studying nursing. My mum offered help at this point. Then she withdrew it at a crucial time. Went back to her ignoring ways and here I am. A dropout of nursing school, my family dont speak to me and my kids dont see their gran. Thats not my choice. She did that. I assume to make me look bad and infer that I keep her away from them. Quite calculating really.
The last time we spoke she offered no apologies for anything. Said she should be enjoying what time she has left (she isnt ill or anything, jist melodramatic)...basically saying that me and my kids are an effort in her life that she doesnt want.

Id decided to go NC anyway but even at that she managed to beat me to it and laid down the law as per usual.

I dont feel my kids are missing a thing. She is incapableof showing healthy emotion. They dont need that. However, I did figure one thing out which echos some of the thoughts of the "bullied" one on this thread...I forget her name...

I shielded my kids feom their dad after our separation. He is selfish, thoughtless and its hurtful. My kids would suffer the emotional hurt. But....they wouldnt...not if is shielded them and protected their hearts. Its a natural instinct as a mother to protect from harm of any sort but trust me on this...you cant protect them from all. Much as id love to I couldnt do it. By shielding the kids from their dad it had an opposite effect. They began to idolise and idealise him to a point where it suddenly made sense to me....

Children do indeed need to form their own opinions sometimes. If they are not at risk of physical or extreme emotional abuse, we do unfortunately have to send them out there to form their own opinions. Its healthy for them to know why they are sheltered. For them to know that not everyone is wonderful. They need to experience some things because if they dont, the other equally unhealthy situation is the idealising and idolising, which inevitably is going to end up hurting them.
Some may say they will understand when theyre older or old enough. I say ok, maybe so. But they will be ill-equipped to deal with it, because theyve experienced no hurt no loss, theyve been shielded and protected. It just wont work in the long run. We have to accept our limitations as mums. We cant keep them away from every potentially hurtful situation. We can be there for them to soothe the pain though.

Youre a brave lady OP. I couldnt do anything but go NC with mother. I salute you. Your resolve is unending and you really are working hard to have the family life you crave.

I gave up. Now im working on how to make friends and keep them. How to be me and not need the toxic personIin my life to justify the pain I feel. Ive identified the source and im determined to sort it all out, and not be the person I was raised to be. I will learn in time. But mire than anything, im allowing myself the time to grief for the mother/daughter relationship ive missed and craved for 30 years. When I get over it im well on my way to being fixed.

OP I apologise for the hijack but.it was not intended as such. It is merely support I offer that youre not alone...theres a lot of us out here who have experienced similar... keep your head held high and I wish you a very Happy Mothers Day...as a mother who appears to be very deserving of it :) All the Best

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful post Skimpy. I think it's dawning on me after a few weeks of what I thought was progress, that the status quo remains and probably always will.

I'm still being blamed, I'm still being ignored, and the only contact is via text. I've stopped bothering tbh. In my view, those who accentuate my life can remain in it, those who just add drama and headache can remain on the peripheries.

Solidarity with all of you in similar positions. Feel free to pm if it will help.

My mil is very much the same as your mother.
She too refuses to admit any wrong doing and has never, ever apoligised etc, we are now nc but we still get bombarded with texts asking to see children, but none asking how dh is etc. She had her many chances to apologise, but there becomes a time when a mistake is a choice.

You have to decide whether you want your mother in your life, it is a hard choice to make as either way is hard.

This may sound harsh to people that don't have a Mother like mine (and yours IMO), but my advice would be, take the out she has given you!

I am the youngest in our family, the one that has always been there for my parents, despite being emotionally and physically abused by my mother.

Unfortunately, I am still the only one there for my parents, still being emotionally abused by my mother and still - what did I ever do to deserve a daughter like you!