To start ignoring my mother and go entirely no contact?

[singlemedicmum]

Sorry to post another mother related thread, but just wanted to get some perspective. This is my second post here, I've been reading threads for a few weeks and am pretty happy to note that most posters have a similar moral compass to myself (and don't take any shit either).

Massively long story and as I'm a pretty private person I'll try hard to omit possible identifiers.

Essentially I've a tiny family. Dear father no longer alive (the one family member who loved me unconditionally sadly), and two siblings (I'm the middle one ha!) and a mother who's pretty passive aggressive. Was used as a housemaid and babysitter for the younger sibling from the age of about 10 so my mum could spend evenings and weekends focussing on taking the elder sibling to sports events.

From age 11 I spent my teens living mainly with my father but got into an unsettling cycle of moving back and forth from each parent. Mother tried hard to restrict my teenage freedom (I chose people who were part of a religion and race she hated and still hates) but was more than happy to facilitate my elder siblings socialising.

I've had years of being close with the 3 of them, but this has regularly been interspersed with periods of being treated like shit. I've been used to perform tasks that only I can do properly (I'm miles more academic than the other two, and have nous) and I've also received tonnes of help with childcare so she's not all bad. I'm divorced with 2 children and a single parent for several years now.

Stupidly I entered an abusive relationship a couple of years ago. I managed to get rid of the wanker a year ago. Whilst initially liking this dick, my mother became very aloof and kept her distance once the relationship became established. To my eternal shame and guilt there was also some pretty psychologically horrendous DV and this was directed towards the kids too. I struggled alone with this (totally persuaded that it was acceptable and still can't get my head round why I tolerated it) and eventually confided in a close friend and ended the relationship (contacting police etc as he was stalking us towards the end)

Since that relationship started my family completely stepped back and without detailing the ins and outs I was ignored by my elder sibling, the youngest showed their true colours by sending verbal abuse via text and mother to this day has never phoned and has just sent text messages asking to see my children.

I've repeatedly explained that they can't ignore my existence yet still text (fucking text messages and not even a damn phone call) requesting to see my children. She won't come over to talk even when I've explained we can forget about everything and start afresh, that I need a mother and that I'm happy to make amends and be a family again. I'm still getting stupid shitty texts eg 'can the children come over as I'm at home today' or 'would the children like to come to a bonfire' etc etc. No hello or how are you, and definitely no response to my requests to make amends and start afresh.

Am I being unreasonable to tell my so called mother to fuck the fuck off and leave me alone and stop sending rude and pathetic text messages? Or would it be sensible to just ignore these fucking irritating texts?

Sorry to write such a tedious post. There's lots more to this. I've tried my best. I'm alone and coping well with the children but since disengaging with this bollocks and realising that I don't have a proper family I've become so much more chilled out and at peace. I'm not happy for anyone, especially my negative and passive aggressive family to expect to have access to my babies whilst ignoring me.

Perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Judy make your mind up. Either my children are missing a loving and stable family life with their grandma, or they're missing out on seeing how difficult and damaged she is.

"Judy make your mind up"- okay :) how about,
They are missing out on finding their own answers to that very problem,
and you are missing out on the chance to show your family who you really are.

Judy there is so such a thing as a toxic woman and it is no glib phrase.

Lief is too short to waste it banging your head against a wall, trying to prove something to a family that is simply not interested in who you are, or only interested to the extent that they can reject who you are.

'Run like the wind, OP and protect your babies from this monster.'
Hopefully you will never have the experience of dealing with a toxic woman like Singlemedic's mother. If you do I hope you will have the sense to run and to take your children with you.

If you think this woman would be blatant enough in her undermining of Singlemedic in front of the children to allow them to see the truth in time to prevent the destruction of their relationships with each other and with their mother, then you may not have had much experience of the cunning and insidious way people like this operate. The children would be like putty in her hands just as her own children were.

If you don't allow your children the freedom to decide for themselves whether to cross a busy street at rush hour or to go alone to visit the home of a pedophile, then you wouldn't allow your children to associate with this particular grandmother, Judy. Freedom as you describe it for these small children is a ridiculous concept. They do not need freedom. They need protection from adults who know what they are dealing with.

mathanxiety- "If you don't allow your children the freedom to decide for themselves whether to cross a busy street at rush hour"
" Freedom as you describe it for these small children is a ridiculous concept"....?
What are you on about?????
Perhaps You have completely misunderstood the concept of freedom of belief in the context of fundimental values?
Its not about abandoning the children to busy roads and pedophiles,!
Its about allowing them to form a relationship with their wider family,
Surely there has to be better grounds for cutting children off from contact with family
and it might be the legacy of the relationship OP had that involved DV.
(Might be) maybe getting past it with the support of her family is better than going it alone with two young children, but that won't even have a chance if OP cuts off all contact.
OP accepts she made a bad judgment call in relation to the DV and her children, the whole situation must have been terrible for her,
it also must have been terrible for ops mother and family, and neither are dealing with that, instead old grievances are being thrown around.
You cannot deal with your past if you refuse to face it.

"Hopefully you will never have the experience of dealing with a toxic woman like Singlemedic's mother"

Do you know Singlemedic's mother? unless you do? you have absolutely no idea what she is like other than what you have read which is a one sided opinion.
For what its worth, don't over identify with postings on the internet as it will cause you a lot of personal upset and for all you know none of this could be what it seems, ( no offense intended to anyone)

Sorry Judy, but I think you are being absurd. Freedom of belief? Fundamental values? LOL. There is a Religion/Spirituality board, and there is also In The News if that's your preoccupation.

A good parent protects her children from known dangers. That was the point of my reference to pedophiles and busy streets. This woman is a known danger, Singlemedic has experienced her first hand, and has seen her handiwork in her own family. There are no better grounds for severing ties than what she has seen and experienced herself.

And stop blathering about others not knowing this woman, opinions are one sided, etc etc. I have seen a lot of this kind of person and they are bad news and do not change. Giving them a chance means sacrificing children on an altar of fairness, or freedom, or whatever other lofty ideals you are prepared to put before the welfare of innocent human beings.

Mathanxiety, I cannot enter in to a battle of wits with someone who has no ammo.
I will make no further replies.

Even more absurd.

Did you not read the bit where Singlemedic spoke of her family's attitude towards helping her cope with the DV?
Anyone with an ounce of humanity would have tried to help us. They didn't even make a single phone call. We could have been dead (no we weren't battered but they didn't know that!) for weeks and found out in the local news.
They wanted nothing to do with her. Or with her children.

Did you read this bit:
I've turned a blind eye to her racism (towards my own children!) for years, thinking that contact was more important.

How did the OP make a bad judgement call wrt the DV?
Did she knowingly go out and choose an abuser?
Are they easy to spot?
Does this bad judgement thing happen to all women who fall victim to abusers?

And where do you get the idea that DV must have been terrible for the mother and siblings?

Singlemedic put up with horrendous psychological abuse from her partner because she was used to being psychologically abused earlier in her life by her own mother and most likely did not recognise it for what it was until it was at the point of being completely undeniable. And you think the children should run the risk of more of the same because harmony at any price and cozy loveydoveyness are higher values than the courage to accept reality and act accordingly?

How is getting counselling and moving on in a healthy way to live a full life and not take any more shit from her family a case of refusing to face the past?

You are simply spouting nonsense, JudyJudgypants.

judy i don't think it's acceptable for anyone to expose their children to such people. It will do no good at all & before long children pick up on the toxicity & behaviours of such messed up individuals.

My pil are toxic, their behaviour is abusive & their influences on my children were obvious which is why i myself stopped all contact. Why should op put her children infront of a carcrash just so they get some sort of warped relationship with grandparents that exibit themselves in such a negative manner? Tell me what good will it do?

I agree single either that or judy is very lucky not to have experienced toxic family in her lifetime.
Unfortunetly a small majority of people on here and a huge selection of people in RL think we should accept family no matter what, even at the cost of a childs safety & wellbeing.

I have experienced this attitude first hand, "oh it's family, you should try" or "blood ties" bla bla bla. It's all a crock of crap unless your family is a loving bunch. For example there is a huge difference between a highly toxic family & a family member occasionally being akward!!

The differences between my family & dhs are very much obvious. His family are manipulative, selfish, destructive, abusive & holier than vow yet my family although not perfect would never do a thing to destroy my inner being.

Sorry about the incoherent nonsense cluttering up your thread OP.

I think the perils of treating your children like some kind of free will experiment in this (or any other) context are pretty obvious. Not to mention that you deserve a bit of happiness as much as anyone else.

Withdrawal fro your mother and siblings need not be accompanied by dramatic announcements and it need not be permanent. But it sounds like a good idea for you, for a while.

Lol no need to apologise Eldritch - but thanks. Thanks to all of you again, even Judy who has made some valid points.

I'm sad that these destructive relationships are experienced by other posters. Sharing stories helps me understand and accept my own, and I don't see them as being hijacking of my post.

Some of you ladies are fantastically insightful and intelligent (and lots of other long adjectives) - I wish you were my friends in RL! Thank you so much.

Dealing with pasts like this involves speaking to a counselor or other professional who can provide a safe space without judgement. It has been my experience that that can only be successful when the abuse is over. You, like so many of us, seem to have been trained to feel that abusive relationships are normal by your mother, OP, and that is why your recent experience of DV felt so normal, not because of a character flaw you have.

You have recognised that the DV you and your children experienced at the hands of your ex have affected you all as a family unit. Your mother seems to want to use it as a stick to further beat you. People don't tend to change, if she harmed you, she will almost certainly harm your children (in fact she already has by using racist slurs about and in front of them). Your main job as a parent is to protect them now from further harm, and that means that, for the time being, they can have nothing to do with your family.

As others have said:

Change your mobile number,
change your landline number,
change your email address.

Maybe when you are stronger, and have built your own support networks, there is a possibility that you could reassess your position, but until then, protect yourself and your children and heal.

Singlemedicmum-"Oh ffs Judy.
You're changing your position with each post.
At best you're playing devils advocate. At worst you're being malicious, and if it weren't against the rules I'd say you we're behaving like one of those mythical beings said to reside under bridges.

Tell me, do you go on the domestic violence posts and insinuate that the battered woman/man is imagining things, or has an agenda, or is being selfish for trying to protect their children?

You seem to have a bigger agenda."
........................................................
That is an incredibly offensive insinuation singlemedicmum and you have no right to make it.
You made a post on here and received replies, nothing I wrote suggested I would ever do such a disgusting thing as promote domestic violence.
I held a different view of the situation you posted from the view you hoped to get that is all.

pumpkinsweetie-"I agree single either that or judy is very lucky not to have experienced toxic family in her lifetime. "

By agreeing you also have also supported Singlemedicmums offensive and untrue suggestion that I would-" go on the domestic violence posts and insinuate that the battered woman/man is imagining things,"
Then added further insinuations-"or judy is very lucky not to have experienced toxic family in her lifetime. "

That is bullying.
you may not agree with any of my actual views from my posts, but you do not have any right to make insinuations of a derogatory nature about my life or my experiences, just because i do not have the same view as you.
Had you not have written the lines I've quoted here the rest of your post would have been fine.

Judy - I don't often pay attention to who posts unless they stand out. On several threads your posts have stood out as missing the point in an outstandingly jawdropping manner. (Of COURSE you will only hear one side of the story, it's a FORUM!!! You want to hear both sides of the story stick to Jeremy Kyle!!!!!!)

Single - You put yourself into an incredibly damaging relationship. Ask yourself why. The way you have been raised means you haven't been taught to value yourself, and to recognise those who will treat you badly, because being treated badly has been the norm.

That damage to you is done, and will take a lot of work to undo. Please don't let them damage your children the same way.

you may not agree with any of my actual views from my posts, but you do not have any right to make insinuations of a derogatory nature about my life or my experiences, just because i do not have the same view as you.

So what is your motivation then, in posting such claptrap? And if you have no experience of anything like this, or any other means of learning about it, then what prompts you to think your contribution will be helpful?

This thread is rapidly turning into The JudyJudypants Show, unfortunately.

But judy what good will come of these children seeing their grandmother? You say you have a different view, that's fine, but what is your view of the children seeing their grandmother? & what is it based on?

Have reported posts that contain unfounded insinuations.
In no posts have I mentioned Domestic violence, in no posts have I mentioned child abuse.

In no posts have i mentioned Jeremy Kyle.
I am now being subjected to an interrogation on the views I have already posted and tried to explain.
I am being bullied on this thread.

Judy, this is a thread to advise and support singlemedicmum and perhaps, since you have reported, you could leave the dispute with other posters, at least for now, so that that support can continue?

" I'm not happy for anyone, especially my negative and passive aggressive family to expect to have access to my babies whilst ignoring me.

Perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks."

This from the OP is what I was replying to.
I gave my "Perspective " on the situation as asked for and as described in the opening post.
I did not expect, nor should i be bullied for doing that.

I have checked back on my replies,
and as a correction, I did mention Domestic violence , my exact comment was-

"OP accepts she made a bad judgment call in relation to the DV and her children, the whole situation must have been terrible for her,"

The "her" in the sentence refers to the OP.

some of you have chosen to willfully misinterpret it in order to discredit my view.
It in no way supports Domestic violence.
I have not "Jaw dropingly" missed the point of the original post.
I am now being bullied for suggesting the op not cut off contact with
her mother and family.

OP states in her opening post " I've also received tonnes of help with childcare so she's not all bad. I'm divorced with 2 children and a single parent for several years now."

OP states in her opening post" I'm happy to make amends and be a family again. I'm still getting stupid shitty texts eg 'can the children come over as I'm at home today' or 'would the children like to come to a bonfire' etc etc. No hello or how are you, and definitely no response to my requests to make amends and start afresh.

Therefore op is receiving texts asking to see the children, but upset because they do not ask about op.

OP states in her opening post "Am I being unreasonable to tell my so called mother to fuck the fuck off and leave me alone and stop sending rude and pathetic text messages? Or would it be sensible to just ignore these fucking irritating texts?"

Those are the points that lead me to think my perspective on this was that OP should not cut off contact.