Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering part), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

She sounds awful, manipulative and utterly egocentric. I think you'll be we'll rid of her. No one should make comments like that, drunk or not. You should direct her to this thread, then she might understand how disgusting her behaviour is. Ignore her text, tell her that it is her behaviour that has caused this, not yours and that you won't be contacting her again, ever.

Your dd sounds gorgeous btw.

Defriending someone is a serious business, I have only done it once and it was quite traumatic. I don't regret it for a minute though. It was the right thing to do. If you think your friendship is really worth saving and you are both prepared to put in the legwork then talk it through. Sometimes events like this just clarify what really matters. Only you know the answer.

She is responsible for her own happiness. You do what is best for you and your DD. Your "friend" will need to be an adult and take care of her own issues.

FWIW, I defriended someone on FB (family member) that trashed my DD unmercifully. I don't regret it at all. It's such a relief not to have to worry what she's going to put next.

She is vile and she is manipulative. She's got a nerve playing the victim. Yes. She'd be out of my life the second she sneered at my child.

re drink - alcohol does not change who you are. I get so tired of people blaming saying vile things on alcohol. It lowers inhibitions. That's what it does.

I promise you that everything she said while drunk is what she means.

Please please please block this person, remove her from your life.

Her original post showed she is a class A bitch who has been mocking or thinking mocking thoughts about your DD all along.

Her latest text shows she is immature, self absorbed, not genuinely sorry, manipulative, immature and delusional.

Please do NOT engage. Please!

tell her to fuck off, block her and give your precious girl a huge cuddle and don't dwell on this horrible, horrible woman for a second longer.

Oh thank you all.

She came to my door last night, still drunk it seemed. I refused to let her in so she ended up yelling at me on the doorstep. I couldn't really think of anything to say. My mind just went blank. She had tears in her eyes and was saying that i'm being spiteful and 'up myself'. Then dd came out to see what was going on. My 'friend' tried to peer over my shoulder and started calling for dd. Of course then dd started trying to get to 'friend'. It was a bit mad for a moment. I just told dd to go up and fetch her PJs and she could see X another time.

This made X furious. She burst into tears and kept asking if she can just come in for a minute. She did apologise once or twice for upsetting me with her Fb comment, but kept insisting it was just a joke, and not worth all this upset.

I refused to let her in. I told her that i don't think disabilism is a joke. That i don't think her being drunk is an excuse, and that i'd be a bad mother for letting someone so ridiculous around my daughter. Then i shut the door! My heart was bouncing.

She didn't go away for ages. Well, 5 minutes. But it felt like ages. She just kept battering the door until one of my neighbours came out and asked her to be quiet. Then she went away.

I feel so guilty (and a bit scared she might have done something stupid last night in the way of getting very drunk again), but i also feel hugely relieved. I said my piece and she's gone. She really did require too much of my patience and effort, and i never get anything in return. It's always been that way since we were 13.

Anyway, i'm just trying to call some of our other friends to make sure they've heard from X and she's safe, then that's me. My hands are washed of her.

I'm a bit worried this is just the beginning of the end though. If i lose one friend, i think the rest will soon fall like flies too. But time will tell i suppose.

Anyway, thanks for all your messages. Doubt i'd have been so brave without them!

Oh you poor thing what an experience! You dealt with her admirably and the relief you feel suggests that she's been a drain on you for a long time.
Have a lovely day with dd today.

Aren't these the friends with the dinner arrangements? Let me guess; she's the one who didn't fancy Chinese?

Or Italian wasn't it?!

Every interaction she has she is revealing more of her true self, and it aint pretty.

Stay strong. She is an emotional vampire. When people leave you exhausted after being with them, then they are sucking the life from you.

Wow! Well done .

You may well lose other friends along the way but...tbh, what kind of 'friend' would drop you because you stuck up for your dd against a nasty, drunken, very public attack by this woman? Not one worth having, that's for sure!!

Wow!

You did so well to make it clear her words have consequences and what she wrote was no joke.

Wow. She really is a piece of work. Turning up drunk in front of your dd to 'apologise' for hateful remarks made about your dd whilst drunk ... yeah, that's really going to show how contrite she is.

I suspect she is more upset that you aren't falling into line like you usually do, than about having actually offended you. If your other friends stick by her, they'll be next. Their choice.

Well done you!

I am sure that must have been deeply unpleasant, but it had to be done. And you did it

With every post you write it sounds like you grew up and she didn't.
Yes, you have lost her as a 'friend' and over time you may lose other friends, but you'll also make new ones AND you'll end up knowing who your true friends are.

Wishing you and your DD a peaceful and happy Sunday x.

Very well done ewe for standing up to this horrible woman, and protested your DD from her bitter thoughts and manipulation.

She's made her choice, alcohol is the friend of her choice.

Wanting to see your DD whilst drunk [again!] is appalling.

...protected...

she's a piece of work isnt she?

I hope that things work out with your other friends - at least they'll have seen the original horrible comments on FB and so know what it's all about.

But you are well rid. I second pacific, hoping you and your DD have a peaceful and happy Sunday

Well done OP. She sounds toxic. She will very likely now go to mutual friend and ask for their support. Because they know that you are the more reasonable and less aggressive person, they may approach you and ask you to forgive her. You should stand your ground. You did exactly the right thing and she does not deserve your friendship.

Well done. You say your worried about losing other friends? Sounds like your friends made it clear her comments were out of line on FB. I would bet the reason she's hell bent on staying friends with you is that others have made it clear she's been no friend (maybe even befriended her) and if she shows your OK with her, the others will forgive her too.

well done x

That sounds horrible but you have said your piece so lets hope she just crawls back under her stone and leaves you alone. She wasn't that drunk - she was still capable of typing and leaving a message. She knew exactly what she is doing. And still playing on losing her mother 4 yrs after her death? I know losing your mother is a massive thing and she must have been very young when it happened but 4 yrs is a long time and it sounds like she needs professional help to get over it, not just allow it to take over her life and use it be a massive bitch. I am sure her mother wouldn't have wanted that.

You say you are working and at uni - if you do lose more friends, it is probably time to leave school friends behind and get yourself some new friends who are part of the new stage in your life. If nobody else can see what a massive insensitive bitch your ex friend is being then they probably aren't worth hanging on to either. It could be tough but you don't need them. They sound like hard work and you have enough going on.

Call the police if she comes and makes a scene like that again.

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake. Even if you could have forgiven the mistake, it's the manipulation of her to try to make you think you are wrong to be upset that makes me think she's not worth the upset.

If she could finally see the error of both and be contrite you could review it if you thought you could forgive but this doesn't sound like a person who enriches your life and is with the effort.

*with = worth