Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering part), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

What a terrible evening you have had! I am so sorry .

I would not blame you at all for never having anything to do with her again, but if you felt like it in a day or two you could send her a card saying that perhaps she should regard what she did as her "rock bottom" and seek outside help for her alcoholism.

I'd get your other friends to encourage her to seek help, she clearly needs it.

Well done ewe ;-)
It must have been so hard but you've said your piece.
On the friends issue, it sounds like your friendship group is based on 'time known each other' but as you get older that doesn't count for much when your personalities are very different. If the other girls in the group stick with her it just means that they're very silly indeed immature and not worth your time either.

It can be scary to find yourself 'friendless' but it's a chance to move on and make some new friends, through uni or work, or activities related to DD. They don't have to be your age group, just have something in common with, and it takes time but will be worth it.

Think of it a bit like if you're going out with a twatty prtner, you're missing out on meeting Mr Right. Well, if you're hanging out with twatty friends, you're missing out on making some truly like minded people. (And by spending time with twatty friends they think that their behaviour is okay, but that won't be your problem any more).

Go and have fun with DD today and be proud of yourself

oops - making friends with some truly like minded people, though obvioulsy it would be quite handy to be able to just 'make' thse people.

Oh god. How horrible and weird and disturbing - she's hugely toxic. Kudos to you for remaining so calm and restrained.

Hopefully you won't lose any of your proper friends over this - could you email them a link to this thread if it looks like any of them are being spun a story by her?

Op, well done for standing up to her. I'm sure your other friends will stick by you but if for any reason they don't, there are so many people on this thread alone that seem to be much more the type of friend you need. Maybe you could get yourself onto your local board and join in with some of the meet-ups from there.

Well done.

Dont worry too much if they fall away like flies. They are no loss.

Focus on new friends, preferably with kids!

so sorry you have had all this upset, Ewe.

but people like her d real damage, actually, making 'jokes' about people they don't know. How on earth she thinks you could ever trust her again when she was so horrible about your dd, and on youe own FB page, I don't know.

Hold your head up high with your other friends. Did they see what she wrote? She will doubtless spin them a total soap opera (a la her doorstep performance) but let them know how unacceptable she was, and if anyone tries to excuse her 'because she hasn't felt the same since her Mum died' explain calmly that you haven't felt the same about making horrible jokes and using horrible language since you had a beautiful dd with autism. If they don't get it, you can't trust them, either.

On the other hand they may well realise.

Good luck, and I hope you get some opportunities to make some more mature, thoughtful, caring friends.

Well done, Ewe. It is hard to drop a friend but this woman doesn't sound like she has much in common with you.

The 'R' word is particularly offensive - perhaps because, so often, it is used casually. The fact that she was talking about your daughter just makes it totally disgusting.

It sounds like this person has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it is hard to be friends who behaves so badly when drunk.

It sounds like she has problems. But I absolutely don't think it is your responsibility to help her with them. You are doing the right thing by shutting down communication. Maybe this will be the shock she needs to get help?

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake.

This - so much this.

Another thing that occurred to me - sorry if it's been said. I think the real reason she's been effectively stalking you since, and pulling out all the stops to win you back, is because she's realised she stands to lose quite a few friends over this thing; not just you.

From what you say, it sounds like your other friends rallied round you and were none too impressed by her twattishness. I think she might be thinking that if she can parade you around on her arm again ("See! Ewe knew it was only a joke!") then she'll be OK. I think she's shitting herself. Good!

I hate the excuse "It was JUST a joke" - I have heard it used recently to defend a remark about rape. What I said then and now is that I can't think of any situation where raping someone could be funny. I feel the same about this. What exactly is FUNNY about any of her remarks? I agree with the poster who said that she was immature, but I also feel it betrays a real lack of empathy that age will not improve. I know it's painful to let go of old friends, but really a clean cut will be better than eventually semi forgiving her and spending the next 10 years not really trusting anything she says about your daughter.

Ewe, there was nothing remotely humorous or jokey about her comments.
In the sober light of day she knows she's blown it. Tough shit on her part.
She is no loss to you.
Proud of how you've handled it.

Please believe that as you get older, you will make friends more in keeping with you! I found that the friends I had, and made, when I was younger, were inappropriate. I still feel guilty for dropping some but it needed to be done. In the last ten/15 years, I have only made a hand full of friends but these friends are honest and sincere. I cherish these friends because we have chosen each other, not been thrown together before we know who we really are.

You sound like a lovely person, and as you grow, you will attract lovely people ( not toxic people). Go out and enjoy life and find some equally worthy friends!

If she was so drunk she couldn't think, how come she could type?

Apologies Pagwatch. I amended the original piece of writing in an attempt to show how shocking it was, I would never, ever use that word myself. I have a 15 yr old DD with LD and find it utterly offensive.

Well done you!

Remember - she misses her Mum, who died 4 years ago. That must mean she had a good Mum. Lucky her.

This is YOU being a good Mum for YOUR DD. Protecting her from people who are nice to her face but nasty behind her back.

I remember your thread about the Italian restaurant as well. I honestly think you have grown apart from these friends. Perhaps you can make friends with some other mums from school? Or find people you have a bit more in common with?

To be honest things do change when you have kids. You are just in a different place now.

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake.

I agree with this. Mistakes happen - that's fine. However, it is how you fix them afterwards that is important. She has not actually admitted or accepted it was wrong which says far more than the original comment.

You are well rid of her.

I think what Shockers said is, in a way, good. However, I would just say "imagine if someone said that about your child/mother/sibling. Would it be so funny then?" rather than actually repeat the while thing.

I've just read this. You've done the right thing OP.

Losing friends like this is a positive. Throughout life we make new friends and you need some more in touch with your life now

Its fine Shockers. No apology necessary at all!
I completely understand your intent - to make her reassess how awful what she said was by making her the target - and I understand the impulse.
I was just explaining what I get is a slightly pedantic point. I think my post looked cross when I was just trying for clarity

Not at all, you're right, mine was a knee jerk reaction. I have had people comment on DD's mannerisms in the past and it really hurts, but never in such an awful way as the OP experienced.

You didn't sound cross

I'm usually a reasonable person who considers each side in a debate but not this time.Bin the bitch now!