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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

281 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 16/11/2013 09:25

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering partGrin), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/11/2013 11:43

god she just gets worse. tell het to fuck off and stop trying to emotionally blackmail.you.

she is pathetic and clearly a horrible person. block her and ignore.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 16/11/2013 11:44

With that last message i'd respond: "no heartache on earth would make a nice person verbally insult a five year old girl. If drink makes you a bad person then stay off it. My DD is my world and I cannot expose her to nasty comments such as you made last night"

ginslinger · 16/11/2013 11:46

I'm aghast frankly. The 'r' word is horrendous but her comment went way beyond that. Bin.

Sorelip · 16/11/2013 11:49

What an amazing cunt she is. Every time I think I've got used to how shitty people can be, something manages to shock me. Either blank the fucker, or tell her in detail all the ways she is a shitty person.

Sorelip · 16/11/2013 11:49

... and then blank her.

StealthPolarBear · 16/11/2013 11:58

If she does anything (and I doubt she will) it will have nothing to do with you. You cannt have an ofensive drunkin dds life

wontletmesignin · 16/11/2013 11:59

What an awful person! So sorry you had to read that OP. You are not over reacting in the slightest. She was our of order, and disgusting. Drunk or not - there was just no need for that.
If i was you - there would be no way possible for her to earn her back back to friendship.

wontletmesignin · 16/11/2013 11:59

Way back - not back back

wontletmesignin · 16/11/2013 12:00

I definitely wouldnt want her in my dds life!

working9while5 · 16/11/2013 12:04

Cow!

Jarlin · 16/11/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 16/11/2013 12:11

I would have no time or space in my life for any adult who is unable to take responsibility for their own actions. She chooses to drink. She chose to make those vile comments about your dd.

I would ignore her texts and leave her to wallow in self-pity.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/11/2013 12:17

Just wondering actually, while her mother was still alive was she a thoughtful, kind, abstemious person? I bet she wasn't

RubyrooUK · 16/11/2013 12:24

I simply cannot imagine any friend of mine doing this. No matter how drunk.

Personally I don't think she deserves your friendship. But if this was someone you genuinely liked until now and you think she is struggling in life because of grief and her drinking, I would write back:

"If your drinking is out of control because of your mum dying, please get help. I will support you. I am sure your mum would have hated to know that your drinking was so bad that you wrote vile comments about my daughter being a retard. That behaviour is totally unforgivable and cruel."

RubyrooUK · 16/11/2013 12:25

And of course everyone else is right - you should probably just ignore her rather than engage......

Meerka · 16/11/2013 12:29

Actually I think this ex - friend has behaved horribly. But I think she's got a lot worse problems coming her way if she drinks like this and can't genuinely see hte problem with her behaviour, plus excusing it on the basis of her mother's death 4 years ago.

I would still have nothing more to do with her at all, ever, but the woman's could end up in worse trouble than this from the pattern of her behaviour.

SlightlyDampWellies · 16/11/2013 12:36

her fb post has made me speechless with rage. her wallowing pathetic victim self pity has filled me with contempt.

Get rid.

katatonic · 16/11/2013 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 16/11/2013 12:39

In answer to the original question, yes. And if she was a friend of mine I'd dumped her too, even if it wasn't my child she was talking about.

But you're not throwing away the friendship, she is.

CrockedPot · 16/11/2013 12:39

Unbelievable! What a total, utter bitch. Pissed or not, that is inexcusable and I would be fucking LIVID...in fact, I am angry on your behalf. I would never, ever speak to her again.

waltermittymissus · 16/11/2013 12:39

I don't actually think you should just ignore her.

Why should she get off that lightly? Why allow her to continue her little pity party?

Tell her she's a fucking bitch and tell her why, in detail. Then ignore her!

SlightlyDampWellies · 16/11/2013 12:40

Oh, and what coppertop said.

SoupDragon · 16/11/2013 12:41

Even without the R word what she wrote is unforgivable IMO.
Especially after her follow up pity-fest post.

ZenOfPetals · 16/11/2013 12:50

Your daughter's feelings are more important than this friendship. Who knows what nasty comments the "friend" might make in the future, possibly in the company of your DD?

JustAWaterForMePlease · 16/11/2013 12:52

That last text is laughable - nothing about you or your feelings - it's all me, me, me. This is how I read that text:

"I know I've fucked up so I'm going to spectacularly turn this around to make you feel guilty and forgive and forget like you always do. This is all about me. It's not my fault you know - I'm still grieving. DIDN'T YOU KNOW MY MUM DIED? It's not my fault. It woz the drink wot made me do it. You've made me cry, I'm upset, as if it wasn't bad enough already that my mum died. This is all your fault - I can't believe you've made me so upset me! I'd better mention dd to make it look like I care about her but really it's still all about ME. Now how to end? Oh yes - vague threats of something awful. Job done!"

Cut all contact, have a little cry for the friendship you thought you had, and go and do something lovely with your wonderful dd. Try not to dwell on it... it doesn't sound like she's much of a friend anyway. "But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat"... "She hasn't seen DD for ages." I promise, your life will be better without her in it.