Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering part), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

[perfectstorm]

What she wrote would be enough to lose her even if it were about someone else's child, tbh. Seriously, I'd bin someone who did that from my own f'list. And her horrifying attempt to guilt-trip you for calling her on it, by telling you your feelings about her bad behaviour make you a nasty person and a bad friend? Bloody hell, words fail me.

She sounds toxic. Thank God she hasn't got kids and I sincerely hope she has some sort of personality transplant if she ever does.

Not your problem. Thankfully. Enjoy your lovely dd, and friends who actually deserve the label.

[chalkythecat]

How upsetting. I think that would be the end of our friendship. No discussion.

People tell you who they are. Drunk or not.

Your DD sounds delightful and deserves better than that.

[Idespair]

She loves your dd and you. She fucked up. I'd give her another chance.

[JumpingJackSprat]

Well done op. Stay strong don't go back on it no matter what emotional blackmail she lays on you.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

What and bitch, and what an even bigger bitch for using her dead mum as an excuse to be a bitch.

We've all lost a love one at some point, how many of us use it as an excuse to be an arsehole,

Your better off without that toxic, narcissistic, cowbag in your and DD's life.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

Idespair You would really forgive some making such vile comments about a child, she didnt fuck up, she showed her true colours.

[SlightlyDampWellies]

idespair, no-one, but no-one who loves someone else behaves in that way.

[LovesBeingHereAgain]

[PacificDogwood]

Well done for blocking her - v restraint and dignified

I agree with whoever said upthread 'being drunk does not make people vile.' You have to be vile first to then become viler when you are disinhibited by drink.

She did not 'fuck up'; she showed her true colours.

IF the loss of her mother still affects her this much (and how does losing a loved one make you be horrible about a child??), then she needs some help. It's not a 'get out of jail free' card for horrible behaviour.

[oldgrandmama]

that's absolutely horrible - I'd never want to have ANYTHING to do with that 'friend' again. And by the way, your little girl sounds sweet.

[youarewinning]

It's proven fact that alcohol cannot and does not make you say/ do things you wouldn't do/say sober - just takes away the self control that stops you.

I agree with others - she has ruined the friendship, not you.

I suspect others have called her on her actions and she does feel guilty - but I'd find it hard to be friends with someone who thought these things about my child with SN, let alone said them. Even worse posting them publically.

Did she contact you to apologise or apologise after you contacted her to ask her WTF?

PS. Your DD sounds adorable

[Straitjacket]

Wow, I can't believe she is twisting this around onto you! I buried my dad and it seriously affected me to the point I hit the bottle, but never ever once did I verbally insult, or even think horrible things about a child. That is just unforgivable.

You have done the right thing OP.

[SkyBlueSky]

I know a fair few toxic drinkers, and I actually do believe that alcohol can raise aggression levels, heighten depression, so can change people. IMHO she sounds jealous of you. Not an excuse, I would still cut her out. Life is hard enough without friends like her. The potential future hurt to your dd is too great a risk. She has crossed a line now.

[bestsonever]

You just realised what an emotional blood-sucker your friend generally was. Bit of a risk perhaps to put it on facebook as not all your 'friends' may know what your DD deals with and people can come up with total crap on there. However, surprising in the end that it was someone who knows you both well who showed their true colours.
Hard though this experience will have been to go through, take positives in that it showed starkly to you that she was not a worthy friend after all.

[Rockinhippy]

Vile, YADNBU

you most definitely are not over reacting & until she can see that, have very strong words with herself & grovel with complete humility over what she has done - then it is your friend who has thrown the friendship away - not you

good luck OP, so sorry you have gone through this

[Theimpossiblegirl]

Sending you a big hug, the loss of a friendship is never easy and this has been truly unpleasant. You are right, you can't have her in your life or your daughter's. Things like that can never be unsaid and as people have said, being drunk is no excuse.

I'm actually glad some of your other friends saw it and commented. This shows you have got some real friends that care about you and your DD. Focus your time on them and ditch this bitch.

[Lizzabadger]

Very nasty. End the friendship. Don't discuss.

Sorry she turned out to be such a cunt.

[Doinksie]

Sending huge hugs, I have 2 boys on the spectrum, one hfa, the other not, he has a learning disability and is in a SN school.

I am gutted for you, because there's no excuse, you cannot justify saying that about any child. As theimpossible said, that is one of those things can never be unsaid, and I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive nor forget what had been said.

[Catchhimatwhat]

Please PM me her name so that if I ever come across her I can give her a huge slap.
You don't need her in your life.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I'm really sorry for you and your dd. You can't continue a friendship with this person, she can't even apologise properly and that's probably because she doesn't think she has done anything wrong.
Maybe you and your dd will miss the friendship you once had with this person, but how can you get over such comments.
What does she mean by you over reacted? There seems nothing like you reacting at all yet in your OP.
This woman is vile and I think its a friendship that has reached its end tbh.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could say that about a video of a child they didn't know singing a song.

If someone who knew my child said that about them I would be terribly upset. It's just such a horrible thing to say.

I don't really see how you could continue to be friends with her now.

[Ahole]

I would see this as lucky escape from a horrible person and a friendship with that nasty self absorbed person that could have lasted for many more years. I understand you not wanting to lose friendship with someone you've known so long but sometimes it really is for the best.

You'll make other friends. Perhaps use this as a chance to make more effort with that.

I recently chucked an old friend. She did something horrible and although i let it go at the time i never forgave her.

[Trooperslane]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure your wee one is lovely. I'd do as prev poster said and sleep on it. Not sure if I'd forgive and I certainly wouldn't forget x

[gamerchick]

No it sounds like she needs to be called on her behaviour. A ' If drink turns you into a cunt then maybe you need to address that but stay the hell away from me in the meantime.'

or just ignore her totally now.. how she hasn't had her spine ripped out is beyond me if that's the way she behaves.

[Wuldric]

I'd cut her off, and I am the last person to cut anyone off. Just get rid. You don't need this and more importantly your DD doesn't need this.