i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

[superdry]

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

The OP in other threads had described behaviour towards her DCs that was definitely concerning. The aggression shown towards her was quite bad. Whether she told the GP about all of it or simply the aggression towards herself it must have been alarming enough for the GP to think the DCs needed SS intervention. They may even think that by getting SS intervention for the DCs it would help the OP make the break.

But there was no child abuse. I'm fine with the GP's SS call, even OP has accepted that.

But people on here putting pressure on OP is objectionable imo.

Superdry, I am sorry about the SS. I think you know your husband more than anybody else. You know that although he is behaving like a despot he is not going to hurt you physically or the children. However, you did mention about pushing. You need a good advise. I think you know best what to tell them and what not.

If you object to anything, if it doesn't follow the rules of the message-board, please report it to MNHQ. However, in another thread here she said he called her toddler a 'retard' ... which, if it is typical of his attitude towards the children, is extremely nasty if not actually abusive.

main the man has already pushed her out of bed and screamed into her face that he will smash her head in.

Does that sound like a man who won't actually hurt someone? Because it doesn't to me.

Superdry, huge sympathy and hugs for you for going through this.

I think I would work with SS to ensure that the children get whatever help and support they need. It might be not much, but it might be that at some point down the line, they need support.

For what it's worth, I had interesting times with my father. I never knew what I was going to get; a joke might be laughed at, or we might get a wallop around the legs, or screamed at by a huge man with a red face and bulging eyes. I spent a lot of my childhood attempting to be the model child for him, trying to protect him from all the evils of the world that made him so angry and hurt. In short, I became the adult that my father wasn't. It didn't work; I was never good enough.

I'm still in therapy now, at 37, and working through these things.

At the moment, while you know that he is not physically touching your children, he might be causing them concern and stress, and, as far as you're able, I think you need to focus on what you need to do to investigate this thoroughly and put in place any safety measures to protect them. If SS can advise you about children's services that you might access, then I think that's probably a good thing. Assume that you're all going to work together to ensure that your children are safe and happy.

Good luck with it all.

Back up, back up OP and allow me to take a slice of "moral high ground". You are subjecting your children to an abusive home life because you want a house you don't own?

Wow.

(Former Women's Aid inhabitee here)

Do you believe you have a right to the equity in that house? How much? What price have you put upon the safety of your children?

Alibabaandthe40nappies, I probably missed that somewhere. I read a few OP's posts where she says he is not a threat.

Thanks for the link to the other thread cogito, I remember it. It seems to be about the fact that this man has taken up looking after the dcs and one child was regressing and wetting and there were arguments about that and the language he uses towards the children.

OP is he now the stay at home Dad? Are you the breadwinner?

Looking back at that thread it seems as though having him as SAHD is a really bad idea and is probably the main reason why SS are concerned. If he is main carer the focus will be on his behaviour generally, your saying you can protect your children won't wash as they know they are with him most of the time.

Please correct me if I've got this wrong.

Reading the comments about him owning the house and OP having few rights to be there, I can understand where you are coming from OP.

If he is looking after your child and you separate, he owns the house, it is quite possible that he might apply for residence - is that what you are afraid of?

yes amongst other things i am afraid of losing my home, where i live with my children live, santiagotoots, i am gobsmacked at what you just wrote, its not about a house, its about a home

SantiagoToots

what on earth makes you think its acceptable to write a post like that?

do you feel better in yourself for writing those words? do you feel good about yourself?

Just because people have been through terrrible times does not mean they have the right to make comments like that

and thank you fromparistoberlin for all your supportive posts

OP you call him husband - are you married? Because if so, then you're entitled to live in the house whoever's name is on the deeds, and if you were to divorce with young kids you'd be very likely, if at all possible, to be awarded the right to live there until the youngest was 18, at which point you'd both get half the equity. So no worries about that. I don't know what he's told you, but the starting point for asset division is 50/50 these days, and the person with primary care of young children usually gets a bigger share of the pot because there's not enough to go round to home both parties equally, and give the kids a home worth the name.

If you're not married, then having the domestic abuse logged with your GP and with SS means you can get an Occupation Order forcing him out, if things come to that, and also entitles you to legal aid if he tried to use the children against you via a contact/residence dispute. So you're covered, in terms of your home and in terms of protecting the kids going forward. Those are good things.

Please don't see this as solely negative. If you work with SS they will try to support you - that's what they're there for - and who knows, perhaps the one thing that could force your H to undertake the sort of course you want is SS telling him he has to if he wants to share the home? I must admit my understanding is those courses are pretty useless in most cases, but if that's the route you want to try, then that is your right and your decision.

Talk to SS with an open mind and be honest and ask them to work with you. They're a fait accompli now anyway, so why not try to make the best use of that unavoidable situation for you and the kids?

Superdry, I know it is your home, but people do move all the time.
Home is where the family is, it is supposed to be a safe and welcoming place.
Personally, I ended up leaving the house I was renting and was owned by my parents because I didn't think it was safe for me and DS.

You are not there yet, as your OH doesn't seem to be vicious enough for you to leave yet.
I suspect he will become nasty enough at some point.

However, the intervention of SS right now may push him into realising he's not being a good husband or father. It may well be the best way of salvaging your relationship and safeguarding your children because of that.
If he reacts badly and becomes worse, it won't be because SS stepped in, or anything you did. It would be because he would be revealing himself to be a nasty abuser.

Hopefully, he won't be, and there will be a good outcome. :)

I think I mentioned this, but do make sure you seek legal advice regarding the house. It pays to be prepared in the case of a worst case scenario.

SS have every reason to be concerned. I was in a relationship with an abusive 'man' until my dc was 2.5. He used to shout, rage, push, kick, shove, spit, hurl abuse and objects at me. Until one day our dc got caught in the crossfire of an object thrown at me in temper and banged her head on the doorframe.

It wasn't until I'd left that I really noticed what an angry and unhappy child I had at times. You could see it in her eyes. Living in a flat, it was virtually impossible for her not to witness his behaviour.

I was utterly stunned when the hv informed me that had I been living in the UK my child would have been in the at risk register.

I feel guilty every day for not getting out of it sooner. The impact of witnessing a father's behaviour towards their mother is profound. Forget the house and the facade of a 'happy family' and get out. Talk to Women's Aid about getting yourself on the Freedom Programme. It really will help you see things more clearly.

Yeah, a lot of women on Mumsnet have spoken glowingly about the Freedom Programme. OP, from the fact nobody seems to have anything but seriously positive things to say, might you be interested in it? It might help you feel more empowered when dealing with the situation, which could only be a good thing.

Although Im sure the dr did what he had to do etc it makes me wonder if that sort of action (reporting to ss) will stop women (or men) making that first approach for help when they need it.

I understand the need to protect the children, but won't it mean that women don't call women's aid, don't talk to their gp and don't ever take that first step for help, leaving them in the relationship, through fear of ss and the possibility that their children might be removed.

When an abused person first goes for help they often still have loyalty to the abusive person and are often torn between leaving and staying. I think the threat of that first approach being escalated so incredibly quickly might stop a lot of women from doing it or even considering it. It makes it too scary.

My own experience, is that i saw my gp to ask for help with my anger issues. I had reason for my problems, but that doesn't take away the negative impact it was having on my children. So i asked my gp for a referral for anger management. Considering i had told him it was negatively affecting my children should he have reported it?

It did occur to me that i didn't know what the gp would do or if ss would get involved, and this unfortunately was what stopped me asking for help sooner. It delayed it by probably several years.

If i had heard of ops case before that i probably wouldn't have gone to the doctor at all.

So what Im trying to say (clumsily) is that i know they need to protect children, but i think it could have the opposite effect.

Women's Aid don't report anything. I'm pretty sure refuges don't either (anyone know?).

I think the difference is that you were actively seeking help for a problem, and wanting to change and to take responsibility for it. That would reduce the concern a lot, I should imagine? The problem is more where an abuser refuses to accept they aren't entitled to act as they do. I agree it's problematic if people are too scared to ask for help, though. I think that happens a lot with post-natally depressed women, too.

Yes i was post natal and depressed and was grieving all at once, which was where it came from. Wonder also if i might have had ptsd but was never diagnosed with it and don't actually know much about it. I'll look it up.

I have met quite a few other women who have told me that they had anger problems post natal who didn't have any diagnosed depression or any signs of it that made them or anyone else suspect it. What i mean is they felt fine, just would have anger outbursts.

It does make me wonder how common it is in new mums.

And if new mums find it hard to see a doctor about pnd, and the feelings and thoughts that come with it, then how hard will they find it if they hear that gps make ss referrals? Especially if they have an anger problem as well.

The alternative could be that the doctor tries first to work with the person, or tries to get her/him to seek help. However, how would that be monitored? If no evidence of further action by the person reporting it, could lead the gp to report it. But gps are not social workers.

I think it would help if people saw social services as an agency to help struggling famillies, rather than a something that may take their children away. Perhaps there should be a campaign to improve the image of SS.