i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

[superdry]

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

[CCTVmum]

Women's Aid went straight to SS when I reported the attacks. SS knew about the attacks anyhow and never tried to help only suggesting if I kept reporting it to SS it could lead to problems of them being concerned about the dc as the SW was convinced I was making it up (FF Attacks)

After that every time I contacted WA for support when house attacked and I was frightened I ensured it was with held number and never gave a name etc

I would never give my details to WA again sorry but so frightening when SS threaten you to stop reporting DA or further action could be taken. I was not with the man he was just attacking my home.

Sorry OP that doesn't help your situation but just wanted to clear up this WA and refuges do they report to SS or not…they do!

[Lweji]

I find using sweetheart condescending in general, and don't like when people call me that, unless they know me very well.
The person who used it apologised and all is fine.

The OP is under a lot of stress and being called on for not liking being called sweetheart and for supposedly being on a high horse is not going to help at all.
She may need some tough love but that was not it, springytick.

She is worried and not being arsey at all. If anything she feels like she may be losing the little control she has. If anything she's at her lowest, not on a high horse, and she needs to be picked up to have the strength to LTB, not being put down.

[superdry]

springytick is not the first person to call me arsey, that would be my dh!

[ChasedByBees]

Superdry, he is abusing your children. He is directly abusing them, you've had threads about it on here - the anger and the name calling towards your potty training two year old was heart breaking to read about.

I'm sorry to drag up old threads but I think you need to think about what he's done - all of it - and hold it and find the strength to move on from him.

Get legal advice - you could be entitled to stay in the house. Is he still the primary carer while you work? You need a plan of action and to have all your options and facts sorted so you can present to SS a woman who is actively protecting your children.

I know you said you are already but your threads honestly don't read that way. They sound like you are in denial and you need to snap out of it fast for the sake of your family (you and your children).

[passedgo]

CCTV - do you think perhaps that WA advised you not to call SS so often for another reason? Do you know that if you allow your child to witness DV you are neglecting your child (as a mother) and can be done for child abuse?

That's the only reason I could ever see that WA would advise you to restrain from repeated reporting, as SS are under a duty to protect the child and if you can't, they sure as hell will step in.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong in your case, your post was tricky to understand.

[sharesinNivea]

superdry I did the same thing on the same advice 4 years ago here on Mumsnet. I also thought he'd never harm the children, but a while after I'd reported this to my doctor my then partner picked up a giant boulder (big as a baby's head) from the hearth and threw it at me as I was holding my baby.

The fact it was reported to social services is a flag you'll have to live with, as I reluctantly do too, because it can work in your favour ultimately when it comes to protecting the children, for instance if there's ever a custody case in the future.

I also suspect reports were made to SS the second time I was iA&E because of him. I passed off the first incident by bending the truth slightly - I had a golf all sized lump on the back of my head which I'd said was from falling over, just omitted the fact he'd pushed me over. But the second time I couldn't explain away the strangle marks round my neck. These reports are also helpful in potential future conviction, as I haven't doubt he'll send his next girlfriend to A&E ... or worse.


Worst case scenario is this feeling of being a failure or pigeonholed because of SS involvement, as if I've become a stereotype. But not all SS cases live on sink estates and are underpriveledged and uneducated as the Daily Fail likes to suggest. Many of us are just like you. We walk around (insert applicable posh supermarket) in our (insert applicable posh apparel) too and you'd never guess from the way we carry ourselves or interact wih others that we've nearly been killed by our partners or he's threatened to jump out of hotel windows with the children in his arms.

Even my daughter's school utilised it to pick bones against me because we were late a lot (had qualifying reasons for that though) and my daughter was 'too pale' or 'too quiet', as we were suddenly a family from an abused background like you read about it in the papers,not a naice, normal, unassuming, family. And then I realised, this stuff happens to anyone. So yes, I'm all of those things, and SS are going to be my saviours at some point, if they haven't already been so far, because he will indeed fight tooth and nail for the children but only to be vengeful. Better to have them on your side than not, I say.


I'm not saying LTB. Because I know eventually if it escalates, you will anyway.

[qazxc]

superdry I understand that the prospect of social services being involved probably scares you, most people are worried that the children will be removed or such. Instead maybe you should consider them as an additional resource to help you and your family.

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

Hi OP.

I know it must be a difficult time for you and I can't honestly add much that others haven't said already.

I think that what will happen is they will assess you and your partner and the children, perhaps several times to get a good picture of what your life is like. If they aren't satisfied that your children are safe and well they will make suggestions as to improve this. These suggestions are not demands as such, but they should seriously be heeded. It will most likely involve being away from your husband. Not necessarily indefinitely, but whilst he receives counselling/you receive counselling. I would suggest you do this but of course it's up to you.

It's not to say SS will take your children off of you but it is a possibility if they seriously think your children are at risk. This isn't to upset you they really don't want your children to be hurt or to witness abusive behaviour. Try to see it as them wanting what is best for you.

In time hopefully you will see this environment isn't what your children need. I am sure you don't want them growing up to think being treated this way is normal. I know it's hard to see it in the long term like that, but it is a possibility they may feel that way in the future. I hope this isn't the case and you manage to leave before then.

It's lovely to have your children with their father, but it's a lot lovelier for them to be a 20 something and be able to say they had a happy Mummy and are not afraid of men.

I sincerely hope the very best happens to you and your children. x

[CCTVmum]

passed LOL it was a long time ago! No SW was telling me to stop reporting the attacks, but they got reported anyway by police! Isn't that crazy a SW to tell me to STOP reporting attacks 'or else'! (SW believed I was making the attacks up). I was more scared of SS than ex (ok maybe not all the time)

OP I understand your sudden terrified reaction but this is standard protocol and I am guessing if SS have not been in contact already it isn't being classed as an emergency? Have SS been in contact? What did they say and do?

[wellrid]

Hi Superdry - SS were called into my life with DS after DS's father was accused of child abuse - he was arrested, released on bail with a tag etc. He vehemently denied the accusation and was deeply upset and shocked about what had happened to him.

I massively resented SS 'intrusion'. Like you I was 'gutted' - they consulted with and involved his nursery, doctor, HV, the police involved in my partner's case etc and put my son on the child protection register. I felt hugely shamed and insulted that my son was considered to be 'at risk' and the subject of case conferences etc. They explained that they considered this to be the case as much due to my refusal to believe that his father would/could harm him as from the possibility of any such harm. They carefully pointed out that if I did not take the steps that they insisted upon to keep my son safe, that care proceedings for him were a very real prospect.

I took very expensive legal advice about how to keep my son and they explained that I had to co-operate pleaseantly, fully and unconditionally with SS and follow all SS instructions (no unchaperoned contact of DS with DP- only at certain times/days - DS to live away etc). At the same time, I had to tell them that I believed in the possibility that my partner could be guilty (v difficult, as I KNEW that he was innocent, and wanted to shout it from the rooftops and defend him.) I felt in a total catch 22 - that I couldn't follow my instincts of loyalty to my partner, whilst keeping my son safe (which to me at the time meant keeping him away from SS). I followed all the legal advice - although at times it stuck in my throat, I knew that there was no choice - I HAD to protect my son.

Well - this is now 8 years later and DS and I live very happy lives together still. 'D'P was found guilty of the abuse, and sentenced to 6 years in prison - it was serious. Shortly after his conviction and two other of his victims came forward. Of course, I started to see how foolish I had been all along - he was guilty as hell, and how actually he was highly abusive to me too.

I am now so very grateful to SS for helping me to keep my son safe from a monster - even though it went against every instinct of my own. You see, my instincts were WRONG. Please do listen to everyone on this thread. I HAVE BEEN where you are now - I know how threatening and difficult it seems, but for your children's sake, do WHATEVER SS SAY - and try to open your mind to the possibility that from the outside, and with their experience, they might know better than you how to keep your children safe (even if it doesn't feel like it AT ALL at the time). They will also be totally on your side in helping you to achieve safety for all of you, so long as you're open and co-operative and sensible with them.

Wishing you all the very best of luck - I'm sure that, like me, in years to come you and your lovely DC will be just fine.

Obviously, I've namechanged just for this very special post - I've started a new life, so I never discuss this with anyone - and I haven't posted about it before - I really hope it helps.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Hi OP.

Its not often I will first post on a thread that already has 10 pages, because whatever I want to say has probably already been covered. But in this case I feel compelled to post.

I have been you. Not with a husband, or a family home that I stood to lose. But a similar situation none the less. I felt that SS were the enemy. That it was all OTT. That I knew my child best and that she was ok. I have delayed ending things because most of the time things were calm and good.

Three years on I don't regret leaving. I know that if I had stayed and continued to accept the abuse it would be a huge regret.

I don't know your situation, or what abuse has occurred, but it doesn't matter. One slap or a hundred, my advice is the same, this is not normal or acceptable and you deserve better.

SS will contact you. They will do an assessment. But let me tell you, no matter how clean your house is, or how well adjusted your kids seem, it is likely that they will go on the at risk register for emotional and physical abuse. It does not matter how good a mother they judge you to be, if you do not put the interests of your children first, they will stay on that register.

I once posted on a forum like this, and I was told that if a child was on the register for 2 years they would go into foster care, I don't know how true that is, but it was my wake up call.

I am not saying any of this to make you feel bad, or to convince you to LTB. I am simply informing you of how the system works. It might feel shocking, it might seem unjust. But you are in an abusive relationship, and that plays with your head, it makes you see things differently.

The bottom line is, your children are living with an abuser. They are not safe. Emotionally or physically.

[CCTVmum]

wellrid! I really thought he was innocent when you were first explaining! How controlled you were by the abuser!!! It must have hit you hard? Was it only after the other victims came forward you realised then? Or was it later than that at sentencing etc?

[ThePinkOcelot]

It is your choice to stay there OP. Your children do not have that choice!

[wellrid]

CCTVmum - my username might have given a clue!
Yes - he was completely controlling - verbally, emotionally and financially abusive and I just didn't see it. He spent 8 months living elsewhere on bail, and after the first few months, it was like having a veil very slowly lifted where I started to slowly realise how much better my and DS' lives were without him. In truth it was the same slow realisation process that moved me from 'adamantly believing in his innocence' through 'could he have done it?' to 'oh my god, I think he could have' to 'that fucking bastard'... All in all it took about a year from start to finish. When he was convicted, that still wasn't quite enough, but when I heard about others, the penny finally dropped.
I look back now and can't understand why I didn't see right through him to start with..

[monkeynuts123]

That was the right thing to do. You staying with a violent man and putting your children at risk is not the right thing to do. I'm afraid you have lost touch with reality here.

[giraffesCantGoGuising]

I work with children from homes like yours. We class children who live in a home with domestic violence as suffering abuse themselves - emotional abuse. This is taken just as seriously as physical or sexual abuse.

[Lweji]

Please take a look at How Abusive Men Parent and see if any applies to your OH.

[springytick]

Im sure you are arsey if you're being abused - understandable!

However, you can't be arsey with SS. It just doesn't go well.

[Lweji]

I'm sure SS wouldn't call it arsey. Maybe resistant, maybe worried, maybe afraid, maybe upset.
I'm sure most SW will be more understanding too.

[SarahBumBarer]

OP - I just want to add one thing to this thread. Neighbour of mine (next door) has had the police at their house several times after DV incidents. SS involved as there are young DC in the house. DC are both still there. So is he. SS have certainly not gone marching in all guns blazing and taken the kids away or banished him from the house.

I don't know the details of SS involvement but clearly it is not the case that SS will just cart the kids away. But they are there to protect your children. Respect that I don't be hostile to them. You were concerned enough to involve outside agencies and abused partners often minimise. It is right that they are involved.

[springyticky]

You're wrong there Lweji. SW's are 'understanding' with relation to the kids, not the partner who is minimising the abuse and insists her children are ok in the middle of it.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll do some research OP and find out that kids are not ok in a situation like this. it's in the air they breathe and it is extremely damaging. Extremely.

Whether or not you do the research, SS will make it very clear where things stand wrt kids living in an abusive home. They will not be 'understanding' of you and the position you are in. Their overriding priority is your children.

I'm not suggesting you're a bad mother. But I am suggesting you don't get how damaging this situation is for them and that they have to be protected. Hence SS.

[Lweji]

Being supportive and understanding is not the same as condoning.
It may well involve being strict.
I just don't think they'll think the OP is being arsey.
They will be used to most women being resistant, which is different, and they know the reasons for it and know how to work with it. I'm sure they won't be arsey with the OP, either.

[Ahole]

I still can't see a single arsey thing the op has said!

[edamsavestheday]

Superdry, this must be incredibly hard for you. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this.

[Lweji]

Quite, Ahole. Other people, though...