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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

272 replies

superdry · 14/11/2013 14:04

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 14/11/2013 21:04

We later found out from my best friend as a SW that yes, it's true, they have to investigate a % of middle class families too

What the actual fucking fuck?

That is a pernicious lie.

HotDogSlaughter · 14/11/2013 21:07

So many brave women shared their stories here.

I don't think OP is ready to listen. She thinks she has it all under control.

BerstieSpotts · 14/11/2013 21:13

Social services don't have quotas about how many "middle class" or not families to investigate, how ridiculous. Apart from anything how on earth would they track, record or even classify that?

Perhaps it was a misunderstanding, meaning that, of course, middle class families are likely to be investigated if there is a suspicion that children are at risk, as much as any other class of family.

something2say · 14/11/2013 21:35

Op, this is a good thing. Let it happen. Listen to the professionals and do what they say xx you'll be fine in time and your children will thank you x

scottishmummy · 14/11/2013 21:38

The gp needs to involve other professionals and children and families sw ,this is good thing
There is no protocol or % of mc families need investigated?referrals are processed
Gp acts on statutory requirements to share child welfare concern

EirikurNoromaour · 14/11/2013 21:55

scottishmummy! There was a rumour you had buggered off mumsnet! Nice to see you're still here :)

not arse licking honest

HelloBear · 14/11/2013 22:12

Paris you say that posts are 'victim bashing'. The OP is a grown woman who makes a decision to stay with this man (I accept that domestic abuse makes this decision hard), her children can NOT make the decision to leave. They are the true victims in this situation. I'm sorry if that is harsh to say but it is the truth. I hope that the OP does what you have wisely suggested, to read the posts again with a clear head and consider people's advice.

OP - please try to trust SS and listen to what they have to say and push, push and push for counselling for YOU.

HelloBear · 14/11/2013 22:22

Also I'm distressed that women's aid did not go to SS (assuming they know you have kids). Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S duty, as a professional body they had a duty to report this situation to SS. They failed you and your kids.

deepfriedsage · 14/11/2013 22:45

There does seem to be an attitude from those working with women experiencing dv that the Woman will be receiving hb Hmm

OP, it is crunch time. Be honnest and phone WA again so they can support you through these times.

cestlavielife · 14/11/2013 22:47

I read it as weegiemum meant that even if you middle class you not immune from being assessed. That maybe she had naively mistakenly thought ss child protection only dealt with certain classes of people ?? !!!

So she meant ss investigate cases where children may be suffering and yes that also includes a percentage of middle class families...

Not that they have a quota...

Guess what , abuse happens across all walks of life ..... Just coz you apparently a naice family doesn't mean abuse cannot happen.

scottishmummy · 14/11/2013 22:53

Misinformation needs challenged there is no middle class quota that needs investigated
And cp or child in need is v structured the gp isn't their to advocate its a neutral investigation
Cp and child welfare is a statutory process the reporter cannot also advocate for alleged perpetrator

betterthanever · 14/11/2013 22:57

It is the worst feeling in the world when you realise that you don't have everything in control and that the abuse if not good and things have to change.
I can't offer anywhere near the advice others can give except that it is very hard to deal with a situation like this on your own and the professionals will be there for you and the DC, be honest with them and yourself even though I know that is really hard and it isn't how you want things to be nor deserve.

clarinsgirl · 14/11/2013 23:08

Superdry you have had some excellent advice but I don't believe you're ready for it yet. Please give your local DV charity a call and they should be able to help. Trained advisors will be able to help you deal with what is going on and make good decisions.

It may seem harsh to hear posters refer to 'protecting your children' when you feel that you are doing this. But you have felt strongly enough about the abuse to contact WA and have posted here before. You know something needs to change and you cannot protect your children unless you remove them from this situation. As a previous poster pointed out, victims of DV often need time but child protection an immediate need.

I wish you well.

passedgo · 14/11/2013 23:18

Hi Superdry, I can't believe that posters have done to you exactly what you have asked them not to, i.e "not a chorus of LTB" - that's what you seem to have got.

If you need any further opinions, mine is with LEM's - don't worry about SS, they will give you support, they aren't there to make things difficult. They haven't got the time or resources for it anyway.

If they are any any good they will help you steer the right course with the right support. Just be as honest as you can with them, it will make their job easier and yours too. Remember that they don't know you at all so let them get to know you first so they can do the right thing.

scottishmummy · 14/11/2013 23:23

The issue,the trigger for ss involvement is op allegedly abusive dh
Understandably that aggression will figure in answers given
A comprehensive answer would need to acknowledge the alleged behaviour

passedgo · 14/11/2013 23:26

Well I'm sure OP can cross that bridge when she comes to it. She's clearly not ready and certainly won't do it online here. The best thing we can do is support her to get the help she needs, not force her into some kind of confession.

bunchoffives · 15/11/2013 00:31

Hellobear if WA referred women to SS how many women do you think would go to them?

The guiding principle in DV is not always observed evidently that you do not bully, manipulate or disrespect the victim further but respect to the utmost their choices. And yes, that can mean accepting risk.

I can understand OP feeling the GP has betrayed her trust. What has happened to patient confidentiality?

I understand SS are there to help but ultimately they have the power to remove the DC so their 'help' might feel much more like persecution.

These are very hard issues to negotiate but I can certainly understand the sense of betrayal and bewilderment that telling your GP something in confidence has landed you with the prospect of everything spiralling out of your control.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2013 06:53

Patient confidentiality does not trump child protection. What the OP must have described to the GP will have been very worrying - we know this because the OP has posted about it before. Also, if the OP displayed the same sentiments that they have here of having the situation under control, that would have alarmed the doctor as well. There are too many women and children dying at the hands of violent men. Society repeatedly demands a 'joined up' solution ... GPs, SWs, police, teachers etc.... and that's what this is.

Lweji · 15/11/2013 07:13

It is an interesting point about control. Victims of domestic violence may often feel that they can control it. That they can actually control their husbands and protect the children. It's very difficult to accept we cannot control it.
Hence the problems with feeling that it's out of our hands or that we were betrayed, because we "know" what we are doing.

Unfortunately we are not in control and by wanting to stay with the abuser we don't actually in control. He is.

Taking away the decision from us will feel like we have been robbed of the last drop of control we have.
However, we are only fooling ourselves and being a danger to our children and ourselves.
The children are mere pawns in the power struggle between their father and their mother. And must be protected at all cost if the mother is too self absorbed, or self deluded to see what's happening to the children.

I've been there. I was the one who left, to protect DS, ultimately, as well as myself. But I should have left earlier.

OP take strength from your gp, from WA, from SS. They actually want the best for you and your children, unlike your husband.
You can only actually be in control as you free yourself from him. You have no actual control while you are with him. He's controlling you and you are doing mental gymnastics to feel you have control when you don't.
Stop kidding yourself that he'll change, or that you can manage him.

Wining you and your children all the best. Without the influence of this man.
If you allow his shadow to lift, you will see what really feels like being in control.

HelloBear · 15/11/2013 07:52

bunchof - you are legally wrong about your points under all legislation the CHILD is always the priority. Yes it 'trumps' patient confidentiality. If there is sufficent concern that a child is suffering or at risk of suffering harm then there is a duty to report it. For DV agencies NOT to report it is a massive risk they are taking. Also you do professionals an injustice there are ways of getting SS involved without alienating the family.

HelloBear · 15/11/2013 07:58

Also SW do NOT have the power to remove children. The courts do (or police in exceptional circumstances). No social worker in this land has the power to remove a child without consent from parents or an order from court.

basgetti · 15/11/2013 08:30

Women's Aid do have a duty to report to SS if child abuse is disclosed and the other party isn't willing to report it themselves.

However I think it is wrong to criticise WA in the OP's case. Firstly, it is possible that the OP didn't reveal her identity as many women don't. Also, she rang for advice and agreed to follow their recommendations to contact her GP so would have been seen to be taking pro active steps.

The initial contact with WA is vital for women to start the process of getting help and to have mandatory reporting to SS for every caller would put many off seeking that help and do far more harm than good.

HogFucker · 15/11/2013 08:36

Sorry you're going through this OP Sad. I think the doctor was right though.

fromparistoberlin · 15/11/2013 08:44

I am pleased to see this thread has calmed down

and yes, having slept on it I can see OP is not yet ready to read advice

she is scared of her DH
she is scared of SS

and now she is probably scared if this thread Sad

good luck OP, beleuve it or not alot of people care, and want to see you get through this

when you are ready post again x

passedgo · 15/11/2013 09:17

Was there disclosure of child abuse? I thought there was only disclosure of threats of violence to OP. It only becomes child abuse when the child is witness to violence. Is this what happened?

OP has only posted about 5 times and is being fingerwagged when people don't even seem to know the facts.