i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

[superdry]

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

[freemanbatch]

superdry

I had my case with social services closed yesterday having been referred by my midwife, the police and the school head teacher back in June. It was slightly different as I had requested the referrals and I had reported my ex to the police but I was still subject to a full assessment.

My advice would be to listen to everything they have to say and ask them exactly what they want you to do and then try and do as much of that as you can.

You may find that the SS involvement actually makes your husband address his behaviour and if he does SS are likely to be supportive of you as long as you are honest with them. They will hang around and monitor things of course.

If your husband doesn't engage with getting help then they will hopefully put services in place to help you and the children and look at ways of you getting yourself and your children safe.

My number one piece of advice for getting the most you can out of SS involvement is be honest and be clear about how you deal with them.

good luck with everything, I know its scary, I felt much the same way not so long ago.

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

I feel for the Op's turmoil because she was seeking advice, trying to do the right thing and, in an already complicated situation, it has all spiralled out of her control. She may have made different choices if she fully understood the implication of what she was doing. As it is, I get the impression she is alienated from most of the sources of help, which is massively counter-productive. I hope SS respect her pro-activity regarding seeking help, that their involvement does not rebound on her vis-a-vis her DH and that she is supported as she makes decisions, not condemned, frightened or victimised (by either her DH or the system). Who actively wants to be a family SS is involved with? Surely, her horror is understandable, whatever the legal position of the Doctor, etc., etc.?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not 'rafts'. The numbers of children taken into care is actually a lot lower than you think. Some say too low. Every time there's a high profile case in the papers there's a hue and cry to take more kids away but the reality is that social workers would always rather work with a cooperative parent and provide support than they would take children into care. The OP has done the right thing for her DCs and I'm sure will get the right support, even if her immediate reaction is horror at the SS involvement. As I said originally, the DH here is probably going to be the one having to make bigger changes. But that's a good thing

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

I can actually speak as a parent who temporarily lost custody to SS of a child, luckily she went to her paternal grandparents.

I had crippling depression to the point i could barely get out of bed, shes back with me, through me getting a huge figurative slap in the face, and forcing me to get better. They dont wanna take the children away, they wanna make sure that things change for the better long before they consider that.

[Noregrets78]

cogito wise words yet again... They'd rather work with a co-operative parent than take kids away.

OP it really is up to you now to be that co-operative parent. I know it's scary, but this could really help you to see things more clearly.

[cestlavielife]

who wants to be in an abusive relationship?
no one.

but if you are...one outcome - if you dont make plans to leave - is that for the sake of the DC SS may become involved.

it doesnt mean SS swooping in and taking dc unless they at immediate obvious risk - there are procedures they have to go thru first.

SS will hopefully contact op and ask what the situation is and hopefully offer support eg local dv service .

op is not powerless. she is able to post on here, talk to her gp...she can do something about this. at the moment she thinks - no icant apossibly leave we are a family....but hearing people say - is this family set up ok? is it good? is it worth it? is enabling not victimisiing.

op has the power to change things here. she is not a speechless victim.

op needs to know she can make choices here on staying versus leaving.

[expatinscotland]

The trouble is, LEM, is that the kids are at risk of being removed.

[3littlefrogs]

My father was abusive and violent to my mother mostly, but sometimes to us. We all got very good at pretending to be happy and pretending everything was normal.

It had a profound effect on me that has blighted the whole of the rest of my life. The majority of people that knew us, including relatives, would still say that we had a normal, happy childhood.

I wish my mother had left him. She thought keeping the family together was the right thing to do.

[fromparistoberlin]

wise and calming words cogito

thanks

[LEMisafucker]

unless we know the OP personally, we do not KNOW that we know that is a possibility, but we don't know that for sure. I don't think it is helpful to try and scare the OP, when SS make contact they will explain the situation, i would have thought they would make some sort of assesment etc before the children are taken away.

[RedLondonBus]

think ophas been scared off

[gingerchick]

You will have to choose, your arsehole husband or your children, I speak as someone who is a survivor of domestic violence, my children are 4 and 7 my eldest was 3 when I left ex and never actually witnessed any violence but she is still massively insecure 4 years later and scared of men, your children are not happy and you are kidding yourself if you believe that, social services are trying to protect your children your gp had a responsibility of care, you will need to face up to the choice

[EirikurNoromaour]

Yes LEM of course they will. But the assessment is likely to say that this couple need to separate. It's if the op refuses to do that or lies to them about it that legal advice would be sought (with a view to applying for a care order)

[forgetmenots]

Well said cogito.

OP I hope you find the strength to come back to your thread, there is plenty of support here for you and your dc.

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

SS will come and do an initial assessment. They will see how the children interact with you and DH, positives and negatives of his impact on their life. They will be looking to you as that someone you said you are who keeps them safe. You both need to be open and honest about that and dont take it for granted that they will know the dc's are your priority, tell them. Try and get DH to open up too, it will help. If you can use it as the kick up the bum for him to start counselling now before they come that will be good too!

Then they will decide whether everything is okay and leave you alone - please dont try and force this, if they think you are holding back or not being honest and working with them they wont trust you. Hard though it is try and get to a point where you and DH agree that much as you'd rather not have contact with them SS are there to support the DC's and only have their interests at heart so it's best to work with them than consider them the enemy. Or they might decide they need more information and carry out a full assessment. Or they might decide that DH living with you and the DC's carrys too higher risk at the moment and that until such time as he has sorted himself out you have a choice to make. Google Family Rights Group for more information on the process.

Good luck and try not to worry, everyone is on DC's side so it WILL all work out for the best, just not easy...

[bubblebabeuk]

.

[DavidHarewoodsFloozy]

Some great advise superdry, I truly hope all.works out well for you and your children.

Bubblebabuek, there is a watch thread function on MN you know.

[CMP69]

I wish someone had cared enough about my brother and me to report our family to ss. I'm 44 It never leaves you TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THIS MAN

[ivegotaniphone]

This happened to me earlier this year. My ex is in the forces and I told the army welfare service (they wanted me to go to relate with him so j told them why I wouldn't) and they told me they had to talk to ss - to protect themselves as well as me and DS. As called them back two days late and said as I had removed myself and DS from the house then they were content that I was taking necessary steps and would not visit me. They didn't take my name and address and made it a condition of their non-involvement that I was given child protection service contact details. Hope things work out fir you.

[TeaAndSconesTwice]

What the doctor has done is absolutely right, i agree with what others have said about when ss come to visit, you must be 100% honest with them.

To be quite honest, reading your other thread on here, your dh is already emotionally abusing 1 of your children, i don't think any father should be calling his child a "Retard" and getting very very angry with her because she wet herself, which was making her wet herself more, you speak of his anger towards you but it does sound like he is also getting angry with your children too.

I think you need to read through this thread and take the good advice of people on here, you need to be showing ss you are protecting your children and keeping them safe from this "man".

You can cover it up all you like but the truth will come.

I wish you luck op & i hope you can come out the other side realising this is for the best and you can be happy with your children

[ivegotaniphone]

I should also add the my ex's behaviour sounds v similar to what is in your op, except he had also punched me once. Not in front of DS luckily. When the army called s&s he was appalled and shamed and cried, but over the last few months he has crept back towards his manipulative ways. The only difference is he now knows how far he can go before he gets into trouble for it, so I keep my involvement with him to a minimum.

[blackfeathers]

"We later found out from my best friend as a SW that yes, it's true, they have to investigate a % of middle class families too. We ended up as one of them"

weegie I'm sorry to break it to you but this is wholly untrue. And I speak as someone senior in child protection with years of experience, there are no quotas or targets related to investigating certain types of families (how would one even define a 'middle class' family for starters, it's so subjective).

I expect your dear friend was perhaps trying to spare your feelings during what must have been an awful time. I'm sorry you had such a distressing experience.

[chinam]

I couldn't agree more with CMP69. I don't think I will ever truly forgive my mother for not leaving my abusive step father. Like with your DH, the abuse was mainly between him and my mother but we children had to listen to it all. We were terrified. During the "good" times we were constantly on edge waiting for the bad times to roll back in. We did a good job of hiding it though.

Some of my siblings have gone on to be part of extremely abusive relationships thereby perpetuating the cycle with their own children. Others refuse to form relationships for fear of ending up like my mother.
Do yourself and your children a huge favour and leave this man. Yes I know it will not be easy and there wil be dark days but if you want to have any hope of having a lasting relationship with your children you need to get away from this man.

[Floggingmolly]

they have to investigate a % of middle class families too
What are you suggesting, weegiemum?
That families are chosen at random whether there's a case to answer or not, and you could be the subject of an investigation simply by virtue of your middle class-ness alone ();
or that only a previously agreed percentage of all reported cases are actually investigated (equally unlikely)?

[DaveBussell]

Have to say I'm glad to hear that communication is working between the GP and SS, this is exactly what everyone is saying should happen to protect children.

It's clearly a big shock to you OP but this can't just be about your decision to keep your family together. Your children belong to a wider community as well and I find it heartening to think that someone is looking out for their welfare. SS can hardly be expected to just take the word of a parent that their children are safe.