To dressing gown or not AIBU

[cantpolishaturd]

Long time lurker, don't post often but I just wanted to canvass opinion.

I'm due to move in with my DP in the new year, I have a DD of 15 and a DS of 7 and he has 3 DS who live with him. I have always wandered round mine in my underwear whilst getting ready in a morning etc and see no problem with this. It's my house and I will dress how I please and I do have blinds as does he.

This has all of a sudden become a problem for him when I'm staying at his, don't get me wrong I wouldn't dream of wandering around his in my underwear when the kids are about but when they stay at their mums I can't see a problem in me nipping downstairs to grab something out the kitchen etc. DP uses the reason that he lives on a main road ( small rd outside the house, large grass verge then a main rd) and anyone could see me...I just wanted to ask if I'm being unreasonable or not really.

To answer a few questions...

He is divorced as his ex wife had an affair.
DP is a great dad, his DS's are well behaved, polite lads. He is a very caring person and loves his family.

My best friend happens to be male and he is fine with this and has said he is more than welcome to come over whenever he pleases, so he isn't totally overbearingly possessive...I suppose it was just the sulk and stomp off to the car and then me caving in which got me thinking really (if that makes sense?)

Thanks for all your replies

I didn't realise "my man" was so controversial, btw

I'm sorry, from now on, I shall use "my partner, who is in touch with his liberal side, and is a friend emotional comfort blanket to many women, and who encourages me to go out and make more male friends because he's SO non controlling and even reads the Guardian..."

Why on earth did you mention Cambridge, LifeofFibonacci? Does it make you feel superior? If so, education has been wasted on you.

Fibonacci - strongly flirting is not the norm, no. Being able to wear what you like in the home you're going to move into soon, is the norm.

Well done on leaving Cambridge and being pretty by the way. Glad you threw those little tidbits in. Those of us who stayed in Cambridge and are handsome (and travel and can spell 'arse') are obviously missing out on your opinions

Not really, sadly the word on the street is that Imperial/MIT are better for my subject

(I am bloody good at what I do, by the way, so yes I do feel justifiably proud of that).

But I'm fairly certain "Twinklestein" was trying to imply that I have/did spend all my life locked in a room knitting socks for my man or something because I don't have the same views she does. So I thought I'd move the question back to her, which is as a debate should be.

Bant it's a publicly accessible forum here. Don't like it, don't read it

The OP was asking for perspectives, so yes, I gave mine. No-one's asking YOU to read mine. I'm not even going to justify it by using the slightly shite argument of "many, many" people agree.

Interestingly, as you will know, if you went to the same place as me, there are lots of very functional, happy relationships within communities with FAR more culturally conservative values than just "not walking round a house in one's underwear".

A couple of my mates from the Muslim community have had arranged marriages where their husband to be didn't even see their HAIR before the wedding. I suppose some would call that "controlling" and "oppressive" but they seem very content and happy to me!

They keep on wearing their hijabs in public where there are unrelated men present. Both parties - male and female - know there's a social norm where they reserve all their emotional energy and attractiveness for their spouse and although we're all at the age where "first divorces and splitting up the kids" are common they seem to be doing very well indeed in their marriages, and in their professional lives.

It's not about values, though, Fib, it's about imposing your values on someone else.

And fwiw, your first post sounded like you had given up male friendships when you got married... so that's probably where the "knitting socks" idea that you refer to came from. I'm relieved to hear that wasn't what you meant.

Fibonacci did it occur to you that "doing well" might be precisely because they come from cultures that put a huge amount of emphasis on marital stability?

And if those are not the OP's cultural values trying to lift them into her relationship isn't going to mean much. For example, some women find empowerment through the hijab, others through boob jobs. Neither is remotely relevant to my life or self-esteem.

Charlotte if you're in a relationship, unless you're going out with a clone of yourself or someone fairly wet and unable to state their opinion, I think there's bound to be differences in values.

Eg: I'm not pro marriage, my partner is from a more traditional family and although its not a dealbreaker for him, he would probably prefer to make an honest woman of me. That's definitely something I've "got my way" on for now, but I might change it in the future. Does that mean "I'm" the controlling one denying him happiness?

If both parties are fairly strong minded, then you can work out a compromise agreement about what to do and what makes the other feel comfortable.

I'd actually genuinely HATE to be in a relationship with someone who was so desperate to keep me that he just was like "well, whatever you like is fine with me" all the time.

It only gets into abusive/controlling territory if one party has a stronger say than the other. But a bit of "difference of opinion" is healthy in my view.

I suppose that his wife having an affair could explain it a bit, but it will be something he'll have to get over with by himself. You shouldn't be controlled by him because of it.

Some spectacular me-railing being displayed on this thread. A fabulous example of said sport

< but if you compromise with him on the windows he might see more clearly how much you respect him>

Really? Fucking really?

Does that mean "I'm" the controlling one denying him happiness?

It might, if you said he was "bang out of order" for suggesting marriage, for example. That would be trying to impose your values on him, rather than simply having different values and trying to find a way through together.

Compromise on the windows, and it's one small stride to Stepfordville. Death by a thousand cuts, and all that.

And what Mist said.

On work colleagues, I have always been friendly with male colleagues.
Only one thought about making a pass at me when I was married and he was dating someone at work. All others were friendly and respected boundaries. As did I, which I do naturally.
That particular one is a big order creep. All the rest are normal good guys. Not perfect, but ok.

Also my twatty violent exH used to complain about windows and me not being fully dressed. And we were talking 3rd floor with no houses for hundreds of yards in front.
And generally be that jealous.

Just sayin'.

...maybe there should be a great big couples thread party of all the people who want to make close friends with each other's husbands and wives to show how completely relaxed and non controlling they all are.

A nudist one

Bring Rioja, houmous, and your own slightly wet, non-jealous man. Guardian lifestyle supplement optional. Ex's welcome. Casual lovers and that person you have a crush on from 1975 who is still your friend even more so. Anyone got a house with a hot tub?

(funnily enough I actually think polygyny/polygamy is a fairly robust lifestyle choice. But if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship, either you're in or you're out. If you think that the partner is controlling or abusive, then leave. If not, then your partner's views and tastes carry some weight)

ps don't forget the pampas grass

Charlotte I'm glad to hear you're relieved to hear about my lifestyle situation, that warms my heart. What's your story, btw?

Or alternatively, if you're concerned that your partners views are c

LifeofFib, are you with that male poster on here who would feel free to go and punch his face in remonstrate with another man who dared to move in on his property ?

Or alternatively, if you're concerned that your partners views are controlling, then post on here and get an opinion.

Mist

No, I'd expect him to go round, shake his hand, and buy him a drink. He could watch the other man looking down my top, and feel delighted that I am so attractive and free, and feel proud to be such an easygoing chap.

That's what I thought

LifeofFib, I'm not sure why you're so defensive, nor why you feel the need to list your CV. Fwiw, there was no question in my post of any superiority/inferiority, that is purely your imagination. I was just interested by such an impassioned defence of attitudes within a relationship that many people would find hard to live with.

You're 'fairly certain' that I was 'trying to imply' that you 'have/did spend all my life locked in a room knitting socks for my man or something because I don't have the same views she does.'

Really? I never said anything of the sort! I'm surprised your education didn't teach you to read text more carefully...

I'm not sure why you're making this thread about yourself. Nor why the focus on flirty friendships when the point at issue was the OP's partner's problem with her talking to male customers at work. Flirting or indeed friendship didn't actually come into it.