To dressing gown or not AIBU

[cantpolishaturd]

Long time lurker, don't post often but I just wanted to canvass opinion.

I'm due to move in with my DP in the new year, I have a DD of 15 and a DS of 7 and he has 3 DS who live with him. I have always wandered round mine in my underwear whilst getting ready in a morning etc and see no problem with this. It's my house and I will dress how I please and I do have blinds as does he.

This has all of a sudden become a problem for him when I'm staying at his, don't get me wrong I wouldn't dream of wandering around his in my underwear when the kids are about but when they stay at their mums I can't see a problem in me nipping downstairs to grab something out the kitchen etc. DP uses the reason that he lives on a main road ( small rd outside the house, large grass verge then a main rd) and anyone could see me...I just wanted to ask if I'm being unreasonable or not really.

[Twinklestein]

^ moving in with not marrying ^

[cantpolishaturd]

We have been together just over two years and are generally very happy/good together it's just that as people have said I find this quite controlling in the fact that he basically stomped out the house to the car when I challenged him over it, so I found myself backing down a bit

[SweetSeraphim]

Hmmm. I agree with Eirikur on this. He sees your body as his property, that's what would be ringing the alarm bells with me.

And try really hard not to back down. This is laying the groundwork for your future.

[ModreB]

I wander round my own home in the nude all the time, as does DH.

When my DS's started to grow up, DH and I covered up more and only went nude in our bedroom.

When DS2 was 15yo, and came into my bedroom while I was naked, sorting out laundry, and just sat on the bed and started a conversation about Maths homework, I decided that they wouldn't be scarred for life by seeing me in all my wobbly glory, so the house opened up to us again They are not bothered in the slightest.

I would be very wary of any man who was as controlling as your DP, when you are in your own home, which if you move in with him will be your home.

[Twinklestein]

Tbh I'd be as much concerned about his reaction to your talking to guys at work. These issues not going to go away... and may get worse once you're living together...

[FetchezLaVache]

"I would not want my new partner walking around the house half naked when my children are not use to it"

Why do people not take the trouble to RTFOP before commenting?

"don't get me wrong I wouldn't dream of wandering around his in my underwear when the kids are about but when they stay at their mums I can't see a problem(...)"

As you were.

[GiveItYourBestFucker]

Definitely the work thing is worse! Could you cope with him picking away at you about it until you decide to give it up for a quieter life? Been there, done that.... :(

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Ermm, I don't like the sound of him and deep down I don't think you do either

I really hope you are not sleepwalking into a horrible situation. It is possible he will rack up the control when he has you reliant on him for somewhere to live with your kids.

he is giving you some little glimpses of what it could be like. It may be inadvertant (which still isn't good) and it may be deliberately testign your boundaries to see how quickly he can escalate.

have your wits about you, and if I were you I would not be burning my bridges just yet

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

I think you know your own mind and I'm not really sure why you're asking the questions here.

For my own part I never go to the door in just bra and knickers, even if I know who's likely to be there and I don't relay details about who I talk to through work mentioning names over and over.

I've got no axe to grind either way and other posters may well be right about red flags, you'd know that best of all, but to me it sounds like you're newly body confident and flaunting it right up against his weak points.
If his last partners have cheated on him, and you're acting as you say you do, I can see why he feels a bit on the back foot.

I think it's something you need to have a heart to heart about before you commit further or both of you are going to be unhappy.

[Twinklestein]

'Flaunting it right up against his weak points'

Seriously?? Sounds like the Dail Misogyny talking.
.

[Twinklestein]

Daily^^

[joblot]

Jesus. I answer the door in the buff- poke head round- and gaily trot round in pants. Why not? And if someone sees- so what? There are a surprising number of uptight folk around but frankly, apart from being ginger, I've got nowt special and I don't give a flying fuck what others think.

Op- keep the kit off. He's wrong. And maybe too wrong for you

[treadpattern]

There ought to be no real issue with him being a prude, that just a quirk of personality but it does seem to go beyond that if he gets annoyed with you talking about customers FFS! and as for answering the door, tell him get real, you knew it was him. Sounds to me like he is threatened by your new found bad ass self having lost 6 stone!

[melanie58]

I had a jealous partner, who used to get upset thinking I was flirting with other men. He said it was because he'd been cheated on in the past, so I thought it was understandable and made great efforts to reassure him. It occurred to me afterwards that he might just have imagined he'd been cheated on, because of his jealous and paranoid personality. Certainly he used to accuse me of ridiculous things, such as eyeing up men in the street who I hadn't even noticed. I agree you should be very careful indeed before you give up your home. Perhaps give it longer before you commit to moving, or rent it out rather than sell it?

[badgersoup]

YABU. If there is a risk you could be seen then I'm sure you wouldn't want that. sounds like he is just being thoughtful.

[Anniegetyourgun]

If his last partners have cheated on him

Yes, if . Being cheated on is a reason for being insecure, sure, although the insecure one has to recognise it is their issue not their new partner's. Sometimes, though, being insecure is the reason someone will tell you they were cheated on. My ex husband a case in point. He told the children, his brother and the man at the CAB (!) that I was leaving him so I would be free to shag young men, and when his solicitor met me he greeted me with "So you're the woman who's had 200 lovers". For the record, no, I really haven't.

[hopskipandthump]

Being cheated on is not a reason to be jealous of new partners. One has to get over it.

BIG RED FLAGS OP. If you were my friend, I would be hoping desperately that you keep your own place and DO NOT MOVE IN with him. This is the thin end of the wedge. Soon he will be not wanting you to go places without him, then he'll be wanting you to give up your job. And so on.

I think it could be a recipe for misery for you and your DDs. If you still like this man, keep your own home and your separate lives and see him but keep your freedom. Each bit of freedom you give up will not satisfy him but only pave the path to more losses.

[KouignAmann]

My lovely non-controlling DP pulls the curtains shut in a panic if I walk in half dressed. He is just easily embarrassed and I am used to living in the middle of nowhere country so forget that normal people in towns don't do this

It doesn't sound a deal breaker but it seems you have noticed some red bunting draped around the room... be careful!

[cestlavielife]

the naked issue is not the problem the jealousy etc is. do NOT sell your him to move in with him.
"he doesn't feel worthy to have me "
oh dear
that is bad. too much flattery can be a bad thing... you are so wonderful i cant believe how lucky i am to be with you....
putting you on a pedestal i am so lucky to have you dont ever leave me or .....

psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/the-psychopaths-hook-love-bombing-sex-and-flattery/

[hellsbellsmelons]

Eeeekkkk... Red flags flying around all over the place on this one!
You either need to sit down and talk this out as it's not good. And not just the dressing gown issue - the controlling, the horrible comments, the not talking and going the car, the jealousy, etc.......
Or you need to realise he's not the one for you and be glad you figured it out before you sold up and moved in with him.

[stalepalemale]

Dear cant, I may be missing something but it just sounds like he doesn’t want to live with someone who flashes through the windows (which is his right, whether or not you agree with his position), so I guess you have to decide whether or not you can live with that. The door-answering bollocks looks like an escalation of this exposure dispute. Getting pissed off when you go on about guys you meet at work could be a red flag, but it could also be that he’s a bit uncomfortable with random blokes chatting you up every day, if that indeed is what’s happening – but I really don’t know enough about your situation to comment more than that.

As for your OP and the window-flashing, I think you need to agree on something that works for both of you or living together will be a nightmare. We all have to make compromises sometimes, and I doubt very much that you have a need for strangers to see you half naked, whereas he may well have one for them not to.

[Twinklestein]

'Flashing through windows'?? Wtf...

[stalepalemale]

Twinklestein, from the OP: "wandering around his in my underwear ... nipping downstairs to grab something out the kitchen ... anyone could see me"

[Bant]

From the way you describe it, OP, someone would have to really make the effort to be looking in the window at the exact moment you're in the kitchen in your underwear. So what? You don't sound like you're 'flashing through windows' you just feel comfortable enough that you're not running around terrified of being seen.

I can see why a bloke can get jealous of his GF having flirty banter with people at work, but friendly chats with customers is a different thing. He does sound a tad controlling, and moving in with him without clearing the air and saying it'll be your house too and you're wear what you please, when you please, would probably be a mistake.

Otherwise he'll be telling you you can't go to work in that blouse, it's too seethrough, and you can't be friends with that bloke, he's ogling you too much..

[stalepalemale]

Bant, "kitchen etc" (emphasis added)