To dressing gown or not AIBU

[cantpolishaturd]

Long time lurker, don't post often but I just wanted to canvass opinion.

I'm due to move in with my DP in the new year, I have a DD of 15 and a DS of 7 and he has 3 DS who live with him. I have always wandered round mine in my underwear whilst getting ready in a morning etc and see no problem with this. It's my house and I will dress how I please and I do have blinds as does he.

This has all of a sudden become a problem for him when I'm staying at his, don't get me wrong I wouldn't dream of wandering around his in my underwear when the kids are about but when they stay at their mums I can't see a problem in me nipping downstairs to grab something out the kitchen etc. DP uses the reason that he lives on a main road ( small rd outside the house, large grass verge then a main rd) and anyone could see me...I just wanted to ask if I'm being unreasonable or not really.

[Bant]

and from that 'etc' you extrapolate that the OP is flashing through the windows in order to be seen by passers by, stale?

How strange

[NumptyNameChange]

and that being told she is 'bang out of order' for how she chooses to dress in her own home is fine too?

[cantpolishaturd]

I will add that we both have blinds in our houses and I'm not wandering round doing the cleaning etc in my pants.

I don't flaunt myself in front of customers, nor do I have flirty banter, but I do work in the public industry and have to be chatty and polite.

[stalepalemale]

Bale, no by “etc” I mean it’s not just “the exact moment you’re in the kitchen” as you imagine. At least her DP seems to think so.

Numpty, no obviously it was wrong for him to get angry and say that, but I think it’s connected to the window-flashing and we’re only hearing half of what sounds like a heated argument.

[cantpolishaturd]

I wouldn't class it as 'window flashing' as that kind of implies that I hang round the windows in my underwear.

[BettySwalloxs]

A bloke's perspective.
I would find it hugely liberating that my OH was confident enough to not give a flying fuck to how she dressed in private. OP has said the kids aren't around, which is different.

The DP has trouble written all over him. I know a lady who has suffered similar jealousy issues with her OH and her life is a living nightmare. She can't wear this or that etc when out.

The work critisicm and answering the door when the OP expressly knew it was OH is also very worrying.

OP, think very carefully about what you want to do. Alarm bells are ringing on this one for me too.
Betty.

[MarysDressSways]

Were you bigger when you first met him then? And now he's jealous that you get more attention now you're slimmer? Would he prefer that nobody ever looked at you but him?

You need to talk to him about his insecurities and jealousies before moving in with him.

[Bant]

Stale - I'm sorry, I seem to have missed the part where the OP said she was flashing at the windows: I'll have another read through...

Oh no, wait, you seem to be the only one saying that..

[stalepalemale]

Hi cant, I wouldn't class it as 'window flashing' as that kind of implies that I hang round the windows in my underwear. – Sorry, I really didn’t mean to imply that, but it does sound a bit like mild exhibitionism if you know that people on a main road can see you, even at a distance, and there’s another road right next to the windows. But apologies again if I'm wrong or I offended you. I meant ‘flash’ as in a quick flash, not window displays.

I don’t know, but maybe this is something his cheating exes used to do, and his neighbours know it. Or maybe he doesn’t like the idea of local teenagers spying on you, or you becoming known as the underwear woman. Ok I’m just trying to get into his head here, not saying all of it is rational, I have no idea how easy it is to catch you half naked nipping into the kitchen etc. (I’m really sorry about how creepy that sounds.) What I do know is that your DH2B has got a problem with this, and I think that loving someone enough to want to marry them means caring enough about their feelings to compromise on something this small for you and big for him, at least while you’re settling into living together in your new home environment. I think YABU but that’s obviously just my opinion, you could always LTB2B.

The work issue might a problem, but if you compromise with him on the windows he might see more clearly how much you respect him and be more comfortable with random members of the public hitting on you at work (maybe ones who’ve seen you in your underwear – half kidding), which although of course you don’t encourage, is something you both have no control over. That’s something he just has to deal with, but he might find it easier to do so if you start wearing the dressing gown he gave you when you go downstairs. I hope you work it out between you, it’s usually a bit funny at first moving in with someone new. But maybe try it out some more before selling your house.

[Twinklestein]

Only half kidding?

You seem to be getting into the mind of a paranoid man all too well...

For the record, undies at home does not equal flashing, compromising on that point will make no difference whatsoever to how respected this man feels, as he is highly insecure, it will simply encourage him to try control the OP further.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I imagine beach holidays will be a no-no.

[Bant]

I don't often agree with twinklestein (sorry) but on this I completely agree

[Twinklestein]

No need to apologise I couldn't care less...

[LifeofFibonacci]

My partner has exactly the same view as the OP's man: he's not controlling and would never tell me what to do, but he's expressed that he is uncomfortable with any situation in which there are other men potentially checking me out. I like this attitude.

I think its wanky middle class bollocks to do this whole "everyone should be SO relaxed about everything and we all sit on a nudist beach and chat over hummus together and I'll high five the dude who checks out my wife's tits". Controlling is bad, but if you spot it, dump him?

I wouldn't want my partner not to be possessive and have an opinion about my male acquaintances when we got together? I made the choice to re-jig my male friendships when I got into a monogamous relationship: because I'd rather have the partner of my dreams than be the "oh yeah I've got lots of male buddies to hang with, aren't I lucky?" type.

The point of getting into a serious relationship is you're giving up some freedoms in exchange for someone you feel is worth it:otherwise, why bother? The whole "but when I'm a couple I want to do everything I did before and if they REALLY love and "get" me they'll agree" is the kind of attitude espoused by people who end up with phonebooks full of low calibre people they've dated but not one solid partner?

The kind of men who are "well yes we'll both have loads of opposite sex friends, I'll run round at parties making new girly chums and my bestie will be some woman I used to date who dumped me, and you can flirt with whoever you like in exchange" are 100% certified wet and not the kind I'd want to be in a 1-1 relationship with. My man and I BOTH redrew boundaries when we got into a relationship.

I got something I wanted 3 years ago, and I hope my man did, too. Why would we NOT want to keep that to ourselves? That's jealousy, yes. I'd be worried about the strength of our connection if some jealousy wasn't there. I'm not too fussed about him naked (although he is very cute) but I wouldn't want him having intimate conversations with anyone else: those are "mine"? It's not that I see those conversations as a prelude to him having sex with someone, its just that I don't like sharing things I actually want?

So I'd think the same about my body. If he started being controlling and it was detrimental to my life, then I'd finish things, but he's not so I don't see the issue.

[Lweji]

I don't think your main problems with him will come from how you dress in the house, but your work and how he reacts to you mentioning men you work with or deal with.
That's where I saw the biggest red flag.

[GeekLovesANYFUCKER]

This doesnt sit right with me. He seems to be regarding you as less of a person and more of a possession and this will intensify once you are in. And as for freedoms you should not feel you are giving any up when you move in with someone. I am unbothered as to anyone checks out DH because I know nothing would happen and vice versa. Having boundaries is one thing but dictating what to wear and how to behave is not how another adult should talk to one in a relationship.

[NumptyNameChange]

'my man' makes me feel queasy.

compromise, like where to go on holiday, which house to live in, not getting all of someone's time because they have children and work etc etc, is fine.

being told what you're allowed to wear/not wear in your own home when no one else is there and there are blinds on the windows is not compromise it's controlling and disturbing.

you'll get the usual two streams of advice OP - those who think having 'a man' or 'my man' is so important you should be prepared to bend over backwards and give up every anything and everything for them and those who think dignity, respect, boundaries and equality come first and no relationship is worth burning those values. the 'stand by your man' accuse the others of 'screaming ltb'. the have some dignity types accuse the 'the rules', 'men are from mars' types of being time warped here from the 50's.

compromise is great but what's the compromise here? do as he says or be prepared to take verbal abuse and pressure till you do? don't go to work or talk about work or mention other men's names or be prepared to be punished?

that's not compromising - it's a one way street

[Twinklestein]

Seriously LifeofFib - your partner is not comfortable with you walking down the street? Men check women out 24/7, so the only way to make sure they're not is to stay indoors, but even then there are delivery men, plumbers.. etc.

Relationships do not include giving up the kind of freedoms you talk about - I wonder what your experiences are that make you think this is normal?

My h & I have lots of opposite sex friends, and it's all completely fine. I think it is with most people tbh...

You may be ok with the status quo in your relationship but many, many would not be, who's to say the OP would be?

[ALittleStranger]

What I do know is that your DH2B has got a problem with this, and I think that loving someone enough to want to marry them means caring enough about their feelings to compromise on something this small for you and big for him, at least while you’re settling into living together in your new home environment.

Unless of course, it's unreasonable for someone to be so worked up about something...which is often the case if it's not a big issue for one partner.

As for those who seem to equate the chances of a fleeting glance of someone with infidelity, well words fail me.

And I also feel it's worth pointing out that some people have the perfectly healthy attitude that the man of their dreams wouldn't be possessive and police their male friends...

[NumptyNameChange]

incidentally, 'my woman', would make me just as queasy.

in relationships where people are seen as 'my man' or 'my woman' i should imagine all this jealousy and you can do this, you can't do that business is quite common. the people are reduced to 'my thing' (man or woman) and with that reductive projection they need to fit the narrow box allowed for that role/object.

the person is expecting to perform being that persons idea of a man/woman and more importantly their man or woman rather than be themselves and a whole person.

possessiveness and control etc really are just extensions of objectifying and see another person as your 'thing' that should behave as you expect your things to behave.

[ALittleStranger]

And numpty, I'm with you on "my man". But I also tend to treat any advice sceptically that comes from someone who uses the word "hubby" because I am a massive houmous eating snob.

[NumptyNameChange]

good point actually (came to me re-reading my last post) - how does he treat his children OP? are they whole people respected/liked/loved in their entirety or are they 'his'? does that objectification i was talking about seem to be characteristic of how he sees his children?

[NumptyNameChange]

alittlestranger. hubby sounds like a little plump gnome like creature in a cardigan.

[Iwasagnome]

Why did he get divorced 1st time?

[LifeofFibonacci]

Twinkelstein since I left Cambridge, I work abroad half the year in a male dominated profession. The travel and kick ass bonuses are nice. Do please feel free to share your superior lifestyle and relationship experiences

Re: friends: seems weird to me when its the status quo to develop blatantly flirtatious "friendships" in front of their partners eyes? I have male friends, but I draw strong boundaries about how I spend time with them and what I talk to them about.

Its fairly common, and fairly unpleasant, to see slightly mediocre chemistry in partnerships and then one member basically "strongly flirting with someone else" and that's somehow the "norm" nowadays?

I'm fairly conventionally pretty, and surprise surprise, a lot of partnered up men suddenly want to be my new best buddy (because of our "shared interests" no doubt ). Yuck to them, and sympathy to their wives.