To dressing gown or not AIBU

[cantpolishaturd]

Long time lurker, don't post often but I just wanted to canvass opinion.

I'm due to move in with my DP in the new year, I have a DD of 15 and a DS of 7 and he has 3 DS who live with him. I have always wandered round mine in my underwear whilst getting ready in a morning etc and see no problem with this. It's my house and I will dress how I please and I do have blinds as does he.

This has all of a sudden become a problem for him when I'm staying at his, don't get me wrong I wouldn't dream of wandering around his in my underwear when the kids are about but when they stay at their mums I can't see a problem in me nipping downstairs to grab something out the kitchen etc. DP uses the reason that he lives on a main road ( small rd outside the house, large grass verge then a main rd) and anyone could see me...I just wanted to ask if I'm being unreasonable or not really.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

You are going to go ahead and throw your lot in with this man, aren't you. Despite your twatometer beeping. Good luck with that.

[maypoledancer]

He is a loving, caring man in many many ways

So are many controlling partners. You can't trust him to let you be yourself. You haven't moved in with him yet, he's already trying to tell you what to do. He does sound insecure and controlling. He also should celebrate your weight loss and your new found confidence, not feel threatened by it.

To me, he sounds like a jealous nightmare and I couldn't live with someone like this.

I also find anyone who wants to be all things to their partner and couldn't tolerate them having opposite sex friendships a nightmare. I find this idea totally depressing. If you love someone then why would you try to control them and deny them other friendships and make their life smaller? This insular and narrow view of relationships is, IMO, one of the reasons they fail. Especially when a baby comes along and upsets the dynamic.

It's very foolish to think that you can be everything to another person or they to you. It's unhealthy and makes life much less colourful. I'm not advocating cheating or anything like that, but I just don't understand why friendships should be so threatening.

[Jengnr]

*knickers.

Although if you want to get your knockers out you should be able to do that too : D

[Jengnr]

The work thing is a big problem. These are relationships you have to foster and he's trying to make you feel bad about them. It's a dangerous sign.

And if you want to walk around in your knockers you should be able to. Tell him to fuck off. :)

[cantpolishaturd]

To answer the questions...
He had a few long term (ish) relationships, met the ex wife in his early twenties and married her and they remained married for 14 years until she had an affair. I know this to be true as he is on good terms with her and I often have contact with her. The next other serious relationship lasted a few years until she met someone else.

Yes I have lost all my weight since I met him and he loves my new body but I do think he struggles with the attention I get these days, but has also said that this is his problem, not mine as I don't flirt/go out of my way to warrant it.

He is a loving, caring man in many many ways and I don't want to portray him as a horrid possive man, as he isn't...as someone has said I think this has struck a chord as it's the little things which are becoming more obvious the more I read boards like this.

Oh and he doesn't read the daily mail

Thanks for all the replies

[Lweji]

I could even see your point, Fib, if the OP was actually flirty to the men she works with (we don't know and neither does her DP, all she said is that she's friendly, and that's no sin), or if she was harming anyone with going around in underwear.
There is also the reverse point of view that he could change. As her going around in underwear bothers him, maybe he should work on not bothering him, if he really likes her.

[lisianthus]

What caught my attention here was that the OP's DP is in his late forties, has only had two serious relationships in his life and believes that both those women cheated on him. It is not clear whether his belief is based on anything other than jealousy. He also seems to believe that the OP will cheat on him too, given half the chance (makes nasty comments if she mentions another man's name, etc).

He may be insecure "says he thinks [OP] is too good for him", or he may think all women are flighty creatures who need a husbandly eye kept on them or whatever. However it does strike me as something of a walking on eggshells relationship where the OP will need to spend a lot of time and effort reassuring him/boosting his (presumably Daily-Mail-reading chest-thumping he-man) ego. That's not something I'd like much myself, but the OP should ask herself if she is up for a lifetime of that.

[chamafea]

From what I've read, you like walking around in your underwear at home. If this is really important to you and you see it as an expression of freedom and individuality then maybe get downstairs curtains and take care to close them if you want to be nice to your DP without losing integrity.

All this makes me wonder about what kind of dressing gown he gave you. I hope it is silky, beautiful and lovely to wear. If not, ask for one like that! And then maybe you can forget all about the curtains.

Not everybody shares the sames views about modesty and as a couple you can look for a common ground where you are both comfortable. If this is not possible then question your compatibility.

Your job should be off limits to him, but you can still be sensitive to him when you talk about your day at work. But if he starts asking you to change work or becomes obsessive about it then red flag!

My advice would be not to sell your house or even marry after only 2 years because there are children involved.

[maypoledancer]

I mentioned Muslims (or insert other conservative social group) as they are one largish section of people who seem to manage functional relationships in a community in which there are some clothing/gender friendship restrictions imposed.

What a massive and ignorant generalisation.

They are indeed a 'largish social group' but like any largish social group, there is a huge disparity in how individuals operate within and interpret that culture.

I daresay that Fib, with her shiny Cambridge education has met a very small number of educated Muslim women that she misguidedly thinks represent the whole population.

Educated female Muslims are, by definition, in a much better position to achieve satisfactory 'functional relationships' within that culture, and the fact that they are afforded an education means that their position in that culture is at the more liberal end of the spectrum.

Women like that are also the fortunate minority, because this spectrum also emcompasses 'honour killings', a denial of women's rights to education, literacy or divorce, domestic violence, underage marriage, paedophile grooming rings and female genital mutilation. Many Muslim women are hardly in 'functional relationships' either with their families or their husbands because their existence is predicated on the view that they are chattels that belong to men - fathers, brothers, husbands. It's much more sinister and extreme than just expecting them to dress modestly and not have close male friends.

I'm not simply bashing Muslims (because it would be just another stupid generalisaion), just using these examples to point out what a daft and ridiculous statement that was.

[GeekLovesANYFUCKER]

Am I weird as unlike Fib I do not assume I am being checked out ever and generally assume that everyone who sees me doesn't fancy me. This assumption has generally served me well these 20 odd years.

[GeekLovesANYFUCKER]

Sorry your thread got derailed cant but one thing is for certain for me is that if there was the slightest doubt in my mind that cohabitation would not work out (and hence the relationship) I would not be giving up the house. There are married couples who live in separate houses - does not mean you have to be separate in a relationship.

[Twinklestein]

No-one has said that the OP's partner is abusive. All people have said is that he has exhibited what possibly may be warning signs. The OP may have a chat with him, and all is good. Or she may move in with him and his problems with her behaviour increases along with the control.

In the OP's shoes I would be concerned about the level of his insecurity and I would want to be sure that it was not going to escalate. I would want to clear about my boundaries before I moved in.

There are zillions of good men in the world single (and otherwise). I certainly don't believe in a pool of eligible men so small that it's necessary for the OP to put up with behaviour that causes major problems in the long run (if that were to be the case).

[Bant]

Fib - you're right, I think - good single men aren't necessarily easy to find. At no point have I said she should LTB, but I have said that she should be free to wear what she wants, and his behaviour controlling what she wears in what is to be her home, and getting jealous of male customers, is controlling behaviour. That is unreasonable, and she can either talk about it and get him to compromise (which seems fair) or if he won't then he is not a good man and should be single

I am not particularly feminist, I think men and women should be equal partners and should agree to modify behaviour in order to keep each other content. I do not believe it is reasonable for the guy in this case to lay down the law and say what us bang out of order in the belief that his partner is cheating on him by simply doing her job or feeling free to be semi naked at home

A good relationship involved mutual trust and no great desire to flirt with all and sundry as if you were single. I don't like it on occasions when my partners have flirted in the past, I've made that clear, they either changed their behaviour out of mutual respect or we broke up.

It doesn't make me a swinging liberal if I walk round my house naked and don't have a problem with my OH doing so too. It just makes us both comfortable with each other

[LifeofFibonacci]

A lot of views here seem invested in NOT actually helping the OP but in trying to peg her partner as "abusive" to make a point?

There used to be a couple of people on the fringes of my social group who would recite the rhetoric of "all men are abusive, your man didn't get you a Xmas present shock horror despite there being a deal not to do it " and making a career of spotting "red flags" where there were none. It was more wanting to sabotage other women's potentially good relationships with men who overall were good guys (but who were twats on one isolated occasion) than any genuine concern.

Ok: the first year I was seeing my partner (this is actually quite funny) he viciously swore. At my dog. Cute little critter, too. Then he stamped out of the room.

Now if I'd posted this here at the time I'd have expected the chorus of "but he swore in your company, he's cruel to animals, that's abusive, first step to a serial killer, next thing you know you'll be black and blue. LTB!"

Whereas you mention that IRL to people who have had or are in fairly content relationships, and they will try and get to the sine qua non of the interaction, not project their own anger into it. They would probably ascertain that given he walks the dog when I'm away for work, and he apologised the next day, despite being a twat for all of two hundred seconds, he's fine: overall I probably have a worse temper than him. He hasn't sworn at the dog since then, it's more trained now and doesn't chew shoes

I was single for a while (briefly even tried the horrors of OD) and there was a fairly depressing core of long-term single people who were intent on proving how free and independent they were by NEVER compromising on anything that might make a potential 1-1 partner more content. Nothing at all wrong with being single, but they were then whining that they weren't getting the kind of relationships they wanted...

Adjust something about yourself or your approach? No, that's controlling and you should be allowed to "be" yourself even if that doesn't attract who you want and hasn't, ever . Stop spending Friday nights snuggling on the sofa and sharing their deepest thoughts with "male/female besties"? That's controlling, too. Stop having "friends" who were former shag buddies? Hey, did you read "Abusive Partners"?

They basically saw their new lives as a couple as "doing EXACTLY the same thing as when I was single but with sex and only the good stuff thrown in, and if the other person asked anything that made them have to go out of their way that's "abusive" or "demanding too much". Seemed very counter productive to me, as the good bits of a good relationship far outweigh the compromises needed!

If it's a constant stream of "change yourself and everything about you" then someone should leave a relationship, for everyone's sake, but it takes...what...a few seconds to put a dressing gown on? Good single men where there is a mutual attraction, aren't that easy to find.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Biscuits ! Them well known instruments of anarchy ! Ban them all !

[Twinklestein]

Enrique: I did not take your quote out of context, here it is:

'I've got no axe to grind either way and other posters may well be right about red flags, you'd know that best of all, but to me it sounds like you're newly body confident and flaunting it right up against his weak points.'

You said it sounds to you like the OP is 'flaunting' herself.

If you meant that that was perhaps how the DP perceived it - that is not what you said - but how you perceived it.

Either way it's a very odd attitude to think that a woman running down to the kitchen in her underwear is 'flaunting her curves' rather than fetching a biscuit.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

I've never seen so many passive aggressive smiley faces.

I agree that his behaviour is a bit wiring OP. But more to the point, you are uncomfortable with it otherwise you wouldn't have posted. I would hold off on the moving plans and if you do think there might be a future in it, you might have to have done conversations and clarify some boundaries.

1. What is it about you being in your pants in private that bothers him? Is he embarrassed or jealous?
   
2. Does he feel it is acceptable to tell you what to do and that you must do itor does he simply feel you should make a small compromise on a little thing which makes him feel uncomfortable?
   His motives and methods are key here. The phrase 'bang out of order' does imply that he feels a sense of ownership and the jealousy about your work seems very possessive and controlling too. Please think very carefully. You sound very smart and independent. You can stay that way even if you do move in with a partner. That's not something to compromise.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Got any Scotch eggs ?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts]

Gosh what jolly japes and derailing is going on here? Takes clothes off and throws self into the melee... Dahlings I'm middle class yet not moneyed, will you accept my liberal naked body in your nudist humour picnic?

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

twinklestein
^'Flaunting it right up against his weak points'

Seriously?? Sounds like the Dail Misogyny talking.^

Talk about being taken out of context by selective quoting. You couldn't be more wrong.

If you read my post in its entirety, I was trying to see both sides of the coin for an explanation as to why the DP might feel the way he says.
And wasn't being judgemental.
What part of no axe to grind, you'd know best and have a heart to heart before you commit further didn't make that clear?

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

I will keep my pearls on though.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

< flings off clothes with gay abandon >

[Bant]

Aha twinkle - finally I disagree with you :)

I think in an AIBU type thread, then it's not about whether the OPs view is the majority view, it's just whether its a significant enough number of people to not be unreasonable.

I think in this case we share the majority view, that freedom to wear what you want is fair (and doesn't mean you're flirting with all and sundry)

[Twinklestein]

To clarify Fib, as you've gone off on a bit of a tangent: my point was simply that I found your attitude unusual, that it's not representative of people I know generally, & therefore it may not be representative of the OP either. In other words, if her bf is a bit controlling she may not be ok with it in the long run just because you are.

How many people would agree with either of us globally is not relevant.

[ALittleStranger]

Bring it on Mist, it'll be like being on my Gap Yah all over again.