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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

183 replies

Greenfircone · 11/11/2013 13:55

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2013 08:41

I agree. Cog is looking for violence here where there may be none.

Giving a dirty look certainly isn't an imprisonment offence, neither is slamming a door.

I dare say that if the OP had forgotten the bins in her hurry to get to work and been given a passive aggressive eye roll from her DH, she'd be told she was in the right to slam a door. I can't imagine she'd be told she'd been violent.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 08:48

I'm certainly not looking for violence, this isn't a double standards 'you're only getting at him because he's a man' situation, and - even though the OP appears to agree with my assessment and is best placed to do that - I'm getting the impression there's an attempt to bully me out of the picture.

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2013 08:49

Disagreement isn't bullying. Even when quite a few people disagree.

OP has had some great advice here, I'm sure she's listening to all points of view.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 08:51

Now that the OP has been chased off the thread, I see people are rounding on Cogito who has said that there might be more to this than just a bit of door slamming.

The OP has said that she is scared of her husband's aggressive responses but don't that let get in the way of "it's all a fuss about nothing".

flippinada · 13/11/2013 08:56

I think there is definitely an element of bullying going on here.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/11/2013 08:57

Bully you cog? Now I really do think you're looking for stuff that isn't there!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 08:59

I know when I'm being got at... :)

Lweji · 13/11/2013 09:02

I said loopy was jumping the gun and never uses the expression violent arse in my life. :)

People saying he just slammed the door forgot he got out of the car to do it.
People who say he was in a hurry forget he took the time to leave the car and get back in the house.
People who say it was nothing forget the words of the OP about how he generally is and the tone of the post. It's different to say look at what the bastard DH did this morning and say you are fed up of his behaviour and this was the last string. Dismissive posters should be rereading the OP's posts again.
Not saying he is abusive, but there is more to this and the OP deserved to be treated better. By her oh and here.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 09:04

Exactly Lweji.

If this was a one off flare up due to stress I doubt that the OP would have bothered posting about it on here.

Ahole · 13/11/2013 09:05

Yes and he would have been called a passive aggressive twunt.

Ahole · 13/11/2013 09:08

Just because some people disagree with you cog doesn't bullying make!

Lweji · 13/11/2013 09:10

If the op had said she does nothing at home before leaving and forgot to do the only thin she was supposed to and her oh gave her a dirty look, I'd certainly tell her she had been a twat and had massively overeacted for getting out of the car again when already driving away, storming into the house and slamming a door.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 09:11

When I'm misrepresented, accused of imagining violence and various other things that I find personally offensive, then I'll be the judge of whether I'm being bullied or not. Thanks...

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2013 09:24

Well that's never going to happen is it. Nobody is going to come on here slagging themselves off and mentioning how little they do in the home.

Anybody looking for support is going to say that they have a legitimate grievance, as is their right.

I guess they both felt justified in their reactions, for reasons that would probably sound sympathetic and credible if we heard them from the source.

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 10:08

Cog

then I'll be the judge of whether I'm being bullied or not

what you feel is your right.
what is actually happening- objectively- is another matter.

No one is bullying you. We might disagree with you on this point.

You aren't always right and it's a bit well, flouncy, to say you are being bullied off a thread just because a few posters happen to take you to task for reading more into a post than is there.

If anyone reads my posts here you will see that I have bent over backwards to say we don't know the whole story and the OPs posts are confusing at best due to either typos or words missed out .........

Rather than jumping the gun, I've been at pains to say we don't know all about this marriage. I've given another side BUT I have made it very plain that the 'other side' is an IF , not an absolute.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 10:12

If you're all about the constructive comments and being fair, why did you make a snotty comment about the OPs typing Loopy?

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 10:13

Lweji

People saying he just slammed the door forgot he got out of the car to do it.
People who say he was in a hurry forget he took the time to leave the car and get back in the house.

People didn't say this- I said he might have done any of this but we don't know. How hard is that to understand ????

Neither you nor I have any idea of the real chain of events.

You don't know why he went back to the house (if he did- it may well have been the car door he slammed shut). Maybe he went in for a pee, or to get something he'd forgotten. It is all conjecture because the OP hasn't told us.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 10:14

And I think you will find that quite a few posters on here agree with Cogitos assessment of the situation and not yours.

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 10:15

Flip - it wasn't a snotty comment. here you go again... making inferences where none exist. It wasn't a snotty comment. It was a comment saying that her post was confusing- she keeps writing 'if' when I think she means 'he' and it makes it VERY hard to understand what she is on about.

End of. This is getting silly.

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 10:16

Oh flip- do go away love. You are reverting to schoolgirl behaviour. More agree with X than Y...how childish.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 10:25

I'm being childish? Ok...

Maybe you should ask yourself why you are so keen to dismiss the possibility that there might be more to this.

If you think the OP is talking rubbish you could always just not post and leave it people who want to offer the OP support and a place to talk.

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 10:41

and you could stick to the OPs questions instead of wading in defending another poster with whom a few people have disagreed with. Maybe your next post will be along the lines of 'My dad's bigger than yours'. That seems to be the way your posts are going.

Since when were posts on this forum always supportive?

The Op asked if she had overreacted. Seems pretty reasonable to me to say yes, possibly, on the evidence she presented. She asked a question. She didn't say only reply if you agree with me.

She's had bags of opportunity to come back and fill in the gaps. If she felt I or anyone was misunderstanding her then why hasn't she come back? If, according to your maths, more people agree with Cog than me, well- she's plenty of support, hasn't she?

Isetan · 13/11/2013 10:47

WTF! I've been away one day getting all gangsta on the head lice that have set up residence on my daughters head and this thread has turned into a witch trial.

While many of you are not particularly fond of the stink eye (I personally use it sparingly with my DD as It can be very effective and has stopped her from continuing some dangerous behaviour when she was younger), In the context of the OP it is totally understandable as a one off response to behaviour which creates extra work for her. As a long term communication tool the stink eye is ineffective because the power of the stink eye lies is in its infrequent use.

Taking the bins out is a time sensitive chore and if you miss the bin men then in some parts of the country you could be left with stinking bins for a fortnight. So I can easily imagine in the mad rush of a school day morning I would be seriously pissed off if my partner forgot/ couldn't be arsed to remember one of his few chores because as always I would be expected to pick up the slack as really any house related chores should be the SAHP responsibility. The stink eye is contextually understandable, marching back into the house so as to slam a door, less so.

The OP has stated that she is fearful of her H's response in conflict situations and has to repeat herself, which suggests a breakdown in communication, add door slamming into the mix and that fearfulness only gets further cemented.

OP, I hope you are still around, Cog an Dahlen speak a lot of sense. You gave your H the stink eye not stabbed him with a dagger dipped in poison. If he has a habit of getting aggressive when challenged then that's a problem which he needs to resolve, if he doesn't protect yourself.

flippinada · 13/11/2013 10:51

You really don't like being disagreed with you? However that's not my problem. It is a problem for people who come here looking for support and feel they might not be believed though.

There are supportive posters but I doubt the OP will want to come back to this thread.

Loopyloulu · 13/11/2013 11:22

You really don't like being disagreed with you?

LOL- you are so funny.
Pots? kettles?

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